Fix Me, Conflict Me

“Is this the last of it?” Alex asked as I laid down the box and sighed. He had been helping me move out of my old apartment. I packed the boxes. He taped them shut and did a lot of the heavy lifting. The past few days lately, we would go out to eat and then just work on cleaning and packing my apartment up. Everything that was Cooper’s got donated to Goodwill or sold. All the furniture was already in my new apartment. Bailey found me a nice apartment in this complex on the outskirts of Towson, close to Baltimore and just a twenty minute drive away from her and Zack’s house. The apartment was small and cheap, which was great since I was the only one who would be living there. I’d be moving again, anyways, when I went to school. I’d go to either Towson University or Loyola, Maryland. Loyola was my first choice, but it was so fucking expensive, I’d probably just go to Towson, anyways, so I could keep the apartment and wouldn’t have to live on campus.

“Yeah,” I said proudly, and we picked up the boxes, taking them out to my car. Moving out was the most liberating thing I think I’ve ever done.

Alex drove and helped me unload when we got there. “Alright, alright, alright! Now, you can start unpacking tomorrow. Come home with me, Maddie-bear.”

“Actually, Lexi-bear, I was gonna stay and start unpacking and sleep here already,” I said, gently removing his arms from my waist. Alex pouted and I laughed. “Stop that!”

“I won’t stop until you come home with me!”

“Please, Lex. You may never have lived away from home, but I feel awkward living with you and your parents. I hate to impose. You can come see me tomorrow, ok?”

“Fine,” he sighed, that pout still on his lips. I kissed it away, though. “You’re making it hard to leave, Maddie-bear,” he laughed a little breathlessly when I broke the kiss. We shared little kisses here and there as I walked him out of my apartment.

I liked spending time with Alex and his family, but lately I’d been feeling sick. And I knew why. I was craving cocaine. I hated myself for it, but I knew where I’d be tonight. After unpacking and stuff for a little bit, I drove down to the club I knew Cooper would be at, or at least hoped so. I had to pick him up from here, once. He lied to me about it, too. He said he was just flirting with some girl and a guy started beating him up. I later figured out that his bodyguards had left him momentarily while he did some business with a customer. The customer wasn’t happy with his prices and tried to force Cooper to give him the drugs. That didn’t end very well, and I picked him up. I wanted to take him to the hospital, but he made me take care of him myself. He said it was because he knew I’d take good care of him. I didn’t know it was because the hospital personnel would find the drugs stashed in the pocket of his jeans.

And here I was now, at this seedy club. It took a while to navigate through the dancing, sweaty bodies of the club goers, but then I remembered that I didn’t even need to get in, I just needed to get into the back alley. That’s where they put all the passed out drunks, the high as a kite idiots who were making a mess in the club. I found Cooper by the dumpster, with Dean and a few more of his lackeys. “…so, that’ll be $500,” I heard him tell his latest customer, before I saw him hand over several needles to some guy in exchange for a thick roll of bills. How the hell did he get into heroine now?

The guy that bought the heroine cradled the needles to his chest before rushing out of the alley, nearly knocking me down in the process. Dean saw me, though, and he grinned. “Well, well, well, what have we here? Look who came to visit, Cooper!”

Cooper narrowed his eyes, but then grinned as well when he saw me. “Madds! You’re out and about, I see. Any reason you’re wandering around this particular part of town by yourself?” He talked like it wasn’t a quarter past midnight, and we weren’t in an alley behind a club, and I wasn’t about to beg him for just a few more lines of coke. “Looking for something?” he asked knowingly, dangling a small plastic bag of the white powder in front of me.

“Why did you get me addicted?” I whispered, resisting the urge to snatch the bag from him. Now I understood what Dean meant by “needing his fix.”

“Because you made me very angry, Madds,” Cooper said calmly, the smile vanishing from his face.

“I’m sorry,” I choked out, feeling the tears spill down my face.

“I’m sorry, too, you miserable fuck,” Cooper said with a derisive laugh, and he tossed two plastic bags in my direction. I actually scrambled for them, getting down on my hands and knees in that alley to feel around for it in the dark. I could hear them laughing at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. This…this wasn’t me. This was the drug addict me, and like any living thing, when it gets fed, it grows. “That’s a freebie,” he yelled to me when I found it and got back up on my feet. “Next time, you better have some serious cash on you, Madds! Now, get lost.”

Dean and some of his friends walked towards me, but I was already running back to my car. I felt the adrenaline in my veins, the excitement that I’d gotten what I came for. I raced home and locked up in my apartment once I was there. I spilled out the white powder onto my kitchen counter and took one of the kitchen knives to push them into lines, like I’d seen Cooper do it so many times. I could make three thin lines, and I did them all in rapid succession. I never thought drugs would make me feel so good, but I never thought I’d get so low. Once the high wore off and I realized just what I’d done, I slumped to the kitchen floor, sobbing.

Why did I give in? That’s exactly what Cooper would want. I hated myself for being so weak. I couldn’t tell Alex about this little relapse. He’d be even more disappointed with me than I was with myself. I was tempted to cut again, but I at least had enough self control not to do that. Alex would know if I cut, for sure. At least, with the drugs, I had time to recover before seeing him again.

I dusted off the kitchen counter and washed the white powder off my nose. My eyes were so damn puffy from crying so hard. I stuck some spoons in the freezer so I could make my eyes not look puffy in the morning. I fell asleep listening to Alex’s band’s album “Nothing Personal.” Well, I just put the song “Therapy” on repeat for the whole night.

…Maybe that’s what I needed.