Fix Me, Conflict Me

I awoke feeling particularly hung-over and groaned, rubbing my temples. I wish I didn’t get so drunk last night. Why did I even want to get so drunk last night? Fuck, fuck, fuck. I rolled around in bed when I felt myself collide with another soft, feminine body. “Oh…sorry, Maddie-bear,” I muttered, wrapping my arms around her bare waist and pulling her close. We fucked and I was too drunk to remember it? Dammit to hell! I sighed and kissed her shoulder. “Are you ok?”

She turned around and I froze, horrified. “I’m fine, Alex. What did you call me?”

“What the actual fuck…L…L-Lisa?”

Her face crumpled and she started doing that ugly silent cry. “Did you call me by her name again?”

I just pushed her away from me and gathered up my clothes, all the while cursing at myself for being so stupid. I slept with Lisa right after my argument with Maddie? I’m such a…I’m so full of…There are not enough words to describe scum of the earth like me.

“Alex, don’t you fucking go back to her!” Lisa screeched, following me out of her room, wrapping herself up in the sheets.

“I’m not going back to her!” I yelled when she latched onto my arm like a parasite. I gritted my teeth when Lisa looked so relieved. “And I sure as hell am not getting back into a relationship with you, Lisa.”

Her eyes widened. “B-but you said you’re not going back to her!”

“Because she probably won’t take me back!” I exhaled sharply, starting to tear up. I pushed Lisa away for good and stumbled out of her apartment to my car. My head was killing me and I could barely breathe because I was crying so hard. I was such a fucking pansy.

I drove to the one place that I knew I could cry in peace – the cemetery. And talking to Daniel always helped.

“Hey, Daniel,” I sniffled when I approached his headstone, sitting down on the grass before it. “Shit…I’m so fucked up without you here, bro,” I mumbled, fiercely rubbing my tears away. “Maddie…you remember her? The amazing girl that more or less saved me from myself? We’re so fucked up, Daniel. And it’s all my fucking fault,” I choked out, the thought of possibly never being with Maddie again making me shiver. “Daniel, I slept with Lisa last night.” Saying the words out loud gave them so much more weight, and it was crushing me.

I felt so guilty. Tell Maddie, don’t tell Maddie? “Did you mess up with Ashley as bad as I messed up with Maddie? Did you love Ashley like I love Maddie? Daniel, I don’t know what to do!”

I had a mini break down at that point, sobbing harder than Maddie did when Dobby died in the Harry Potter movie. Thinking about that made me laugh for about two seconds, then I was back to being intensely depressed.“Daniel, I wish you were here. I need some serious help.”

I expected the silence from the headstone. I never expected a response. Just talking to Daniel helped me think more clearly. Saying things out loud makes them sound different from when you only hear them in your head. I told Daniel all about last night, or at least what I remembered for it. Once everything was said and done, I realized what an idiot I was.

Maddie drove away, and I didn’t stop her? You should never make decisions when you’re angry, and contrariwise you should never make promises when you’re happy… Like, that time I promised Maddie we’d take Baz with us the next time we went to the harbor. I haven’t been to the harbor since that day. It seemed so long ago.

I left Daniel and drove myself to the nearest Sonic, in need of junk food. I pretty much just vegged out in my car in the parking lot for a while. I didn’t want to go home. My parents would smell the alcohol on me. I couldn’t go to my friends. What would they think of me? Maddie was their friend, too, and just because I was their friend first didn’t mean they loved her any less. They’d hate me for what I’d done for her. Except maybe… well, Jack was worth a try.

Maybe I wanted them to hate me...

I drove over to his place. Thank god he answered the door and not his mom or dad. “Alex? Damn, bro, you look a hot mess! Get in here, man, what’s going on?”

“If I tell you, how hard are you going to judge me?” I asked weakly when Jack helped me over to his living room couch.

“Um…bro, if you’re gonna get all emotional and cry on me, please, let me get Rian or something first. You know I can’t handle the crying.”

I laughed bitterly, and then I just laid it out there. “I cheated on Maddie with Lisa.” Jack stared at me blankly. “Can you please, like, flip a shit or something? This is why I came to you! You’d get angry as fuck and stuff, right?”

Jack’s lips pressed into a thin line. “Sometimes the silence hurts more.”

I exhaled sharply, feeling my eyes water, but I was controlling it. “Jack, what the fuck do I do?”

Jack swallowed hard, scratching the back of his head. “Um…look, Zack’s coming over soon. Bailey bailed because Maddie, like, needed girl time or something. I think she’s hurt, bro.”

“Hurt?” I repeated, eyes going wide as visions of Maddie in a hospital bed surfaced in my mind.

“No, no, no! Not, like, hospital hurt! Like…you know, the heart kind of hurt. I don’t know any details, but Zack was like, ‘Yeah, Maddie’s so down, have you been able to get in touch with Alex? Maybe he could cheer her up’,” Jack told me quickly, deepening his voice when he pretended to voice Zack. “…Or some shit like that. But anyways, if you wanted my opinion, I’d advise you to keep your distance. Give her time to cool off, you know?”

“Ok.” But Jack didn’t understand. If Maddie was down, then that means she had already cooled off. The anger - the fire - burned out. She was past being mad at me and just plain depressed. I was there once. We both had been, and we were back there together. I breathed out slowly, the gears in my brain grinding. Soon, Jack and I met up with Rian and Zack at TCBY, where the rest of them heard my story. I could see the disappointment in all their eyes, but tried to ignore it. I was going to make it better, but I needed their help... Thank god they agreed. My friends are a different breed.

I called up the Paper Moon Diner. “Hi, this is Alex…I was wondering if we could play a little show there tomorrow?”

Please, dear god, let this work.