Fix Me, Conflict Me

Alex left me with a note that had a time and address on it, the words “Come see me” underneath it all. I was a little hurt that he left, but I was also counting down the hours. The address, I noticed, was the address of the park we often brought Baz to, and he wanted to meet there at seven tonight. What did he have up his sleeve?

I tried not to worry about it, but that didn’t work out. I just wore some TOMS, skinny jeans, and a striped tank top, putting his beanie on as well. I’d accumulated quite a bit of his clothing, but I think he left his things here on purpose, because he either wanted them here in case he was here and just needed them, or he knew that I loved to wear his clothes…probably both. I drove out to the park. Alex was there, sitting on a bench with his elbows on his knees and his chin resting on his fists as his mouth moved along like he was singing a song.

I smiled, feeling my heart flutter in my chest. I got out of my car and made my way over to him. “Hey, you,” I greeted him, sliding onto the bench so I was sitting beside him.

Alex made no move towards me, but he opened his eyes and straightened up. “Maddie…”

I swallowed, that fluttering feeling instantly vanishing and getting replaced by a sinking feeling. “So, you said you wanted me to come see you?”

Alex pulled a small plastic bag out from his pocket and tossed it onto my lap. I flinched like it had burned me. I would know that white powder anywhere. “Why,” he said flatly.

And I was burning – with anger. “Why did you go through my stuff? Or more specifically, why did you take that?” I mocked him bitterly.

“Madison,” Alex said sternly, his eyes hard and cold.

I got to my feet, the bag falling to the ground. A month ago, I would’ve snatched it up and cradled it like it was some precious artifact. The more I busied myself with work and just everyday life, the easier it became to ignore the need I felt for cocaine. I prided myself on never going back to Cooper after that one night. This was one of the bags he flung into the street, one of the bags that I was scrambling to find while he and his junkie friends laughed at me. I hadn’t opened this one, but it was a reminder that I kept for myself to stay strong.

“I have a feeling you’ve already made up your mind not to listen to what I have to say and drag me to some rehab center, so, forget about it,” I snapped, kicking the bag to his feet and storming off.

I wanted to run, but only far enough to make him miss me. Well, I was in my car, starting it, and he was still just sitting on that bench, staring at the pack of drugs on his shoes. I gritted my teeth and turned on the CD Bailey made me – a bunch of random The Academy Is songs – before driving. Just driving. I didn’t want to go home. I still couldn’t believe Alex went through my stuff while I was asleep. I hoped to god he just stumbled upon it and didn’t actively search for it. I mean, really, couldn’t he trust me by now? I was pissed off, so I ended up parking somewhere that looked vaguely familiar for some reason to blast my stereo and eventually cry my eyes out when “Everything We Had” came on.

Our first real argument. We would get through this…We just had to.

I dried my eyes, feeling like I needed a drink. I laughed bitterly when I saw where I had driven myself – the club that Cooper’s always at. I went inside, but walked straight to the bar. I ordered a few shots of Patron just to loosen up. Some douchey looking guy paid for my drinks, but I made sure that only alcohol was in them. He tried to get my number and dance with me. I declined on the number part, but gladly danced with him.

Alex wanted a reason not to trust me, huh? Oh, hell, he would get one.

I danced a few songs with that random guy, but I didn’t let it go anywhere. He started pissing me off when he tried to get into the grind train with me. I’m not really like that. I went back to the bar to rehydrate, when I bumped into none other than Lisa.

“Sorry!” She giggled, obviously plastered since she didn’t recognize me and bitch at me. “Hey, Alex! Come on, you need some more Jack Daniels or something!”

What did she just say?

“You’re buying,” said Alex, my Alex, taking a seat at the bar beside her. I think he threw back five shots of Jack Daniel’s before he smiled in my direction. But he was only smiling in my direction. He was smiling at Lisa. “I forgot how much fun you can be, Lisa,” I heard Alex tell her, and I wanted to scream. I was right here, but the both of them were too drunk to notice.

“I bet I’m so much more fun than that other girl you’re with,” Lisa said in a voice that was meant to be seductive as she fingered the buttons of his shirt. I wanted to tear her fucking hair out.

“Show me,” Alex murmured, taking her hand and pulling her to the dance floor. I felt like the Patron that I had consumed would come back up anytime now. Not because I had too much, but because I was watching my boyfriend cheat on me right in front of me. And I do mean cheat. She was all over him, grinding on him and putting her arms reaching up behind her to wrap around his neck and pull him closer to her. It was that kind of dancing, the "sex-with-all-your-clothes-on" kind of dancing. I felt sick. Alex’s face was flushed with alcohol and he was ginning like a fool, but he shouldn’t have done that.

He shouldn’t have kissed her.

Breathing hard, I ran out of the club for my car. I fumbled with my keys for a few minutes. This would be my first time drinking and driving, but right now, I didn’t give a fuck. I could crash for all I care. I turned my The Academy Is CD back on, putting “Everything We Had” on repeat because I’m a fucking masochist. It took me a while to get home, but I unfortunately made it home in one piece. I went inside and stripped down to nothing for a nice, hot shower to clear my head.

Alex was mad at me for having cocaine in my possession? He wouldn’t even listen to my side of the story! And from the way he didn’t come after me in the park, I could tell he didn’t want to hear it, either. I, on the other hand, totally had every right to be mad at him. Who started this little affair, Alex or Lisa? Who knows how often, how long they’d been seeing each other behind my back? What if they’d done more than just kiss?

I got dressed after showering, tearing through the place for my razor. I knew it was wrong, but I needed it. I needed the physical pain to distract from the emotional pain. Alex got closer to killing me in one night than I ever got in an entire year.

I gave up looking and grabbed a drinking glass from my cupboard, smashing it into a bunch of pieces in the kitchen sink. I got the largest, sharpest piece and brought it to my already scarred wrist, slicing deep. A few more slices and I was in a comfortably numb mental state. I sighed happily, stopping the blood flow and leaving the glass in the sink. Once I had wrapped up my arm so that my bed wouldn’t get bloody, I laid down and slept dreamlessly. At least I didn’t cry myself to sleep.

It’s only love, it’s not real, anyways...