Fix Me, Conflict Me

I was running to the place I thought she would go, and there she was, hugging her legs to her chest and leaning against a lamppost, texting someone on her phone.

“You know I’m still mad at you, right?” she said without even looking up at me when I approached her.

“Yeah,” I sighed and nodded, hesitantly sitting down on the curb with Maddie, but not too close to her.

After the one song, she ran out of the restaurant. We played a few more songs like I promised the owner of the restaurant, but then I went off to find her. She had walked a ways off, like, all the way out to the animal shelter, which frightened me. Didn’t she know what a bad time this was for a pretty girl like her to be walking around alone?

We sat in silence for a while before she spoke again. “What are you trying to prove, Lex?” Maddie asked quietly, and I saw her brush away some tears.

“That I’m sorry,” I sighed. “Bailey said you saw me kissing Lisa at the bar,” I said slowly, gauging her reaction. Maddie didn’t even flinch. “Maddie, you may not believe me, but I just want you to know, Lisa found me. She was at that club before I was. She came on to me, I swear. But it’s my fault because I let her. I let myself get drunk. I let myself…lose control with her.”

That got a reaction out of Maddie. I heard her inhale sharply. “You slept with Lisa?”

“Y…Yes.”

“I can’t believe you,” Maddie choked out, covering her eyes with one of her hands, so I knew she was crying. Fuckkk. "How long have you been cheating on me with her, Lex?"

"It was a one time thing, I swear! That night was completely unplanned. I never cheated on you before that night. Lisa's nothing to me!"

But Maddie wasn't even listening to me, I think. Her thin body shook with uncontrollable sobs, and I wanted to comfort her so badly. I gently placed my hand on her knee, but she shoved me away like I thought she would. “Why do you have to put me through so much shit? Wh-Why do I have to love you so much?”

Her first question made the guilt hit me harder than ever, but her second question made my heart soar and I instantly smiled. “I don’t know why you put up with me, either…I wonder what I did to deserve you all the time. I know I put you through so much shit recently. I know, and I’m beyond so fucking sorry.” Maddie still kept her eyes covered, but I could see her eyeliner streaking down onto her cheeks.

That wiped the smile back off my face.“Maddie… I’m not the best. I’m not the brightest. And I’m no cool kid in the slightest. But as corny as this sounds, I love you with all that I am, with every fiber of my very being. After what I’ve done to you...shit, I wouldn’t love me, either. But I still want you. I still need you. And I always will. Please, please, please forgive me.”

“Shut up…I can’t resist you when you talk like that,” Maddie groaned, and I could tell she was fighting off a smile.

“Hey, Maddie…can you hold this for me?” I asked, scooting closer to her.

Maddie just sniffled and held out her free hand, palm up. I placed my hand in it, twining our fingers together. Maddie rubbed her eyes on her sleeve, glancing at our entwined hands that I kept rested on my knee. Her eyes were puffy and her makeup was all over her face, but she still smirked. “...That was pretty slick.”

“You know it,” I chuckled, raising her hand so I could kiss the back of it…and examine her wrist. Her sleeve fell back a bit, and to my horror, I saw the tips of fresh scars slightly exposed. I tried to keep calm about it and pretend I didn’t see them. I didn't want to get onto her for cutting again. I was lucky Maddie was talking to me at all right now.

Maddie sighed and pulled her hand down so I couldn’t kiss it, but not out of my hand. “Thanks for being honest,” she mumbled, drying her tears on her sleeve. “Now, I'll be honest with you...Alex, that bag you found is something Cooper gave me, and it’s something I keep to remind myself that drugs are fucking bad for you. To remind me of how Cooper was. To encourage me not to become like that. I haven’t done cocaine since the day I was hospitalized…and, that day, I didn’t even want to do the cocaine. Cooper taped over my mouth, poured out a whole pile of the drug on our living room table, and shoved my face into it. I had to snort that shit to breathe."

My heart hurt for her. “M-Maddie…”

“Now you know why I’m a crack whore,” Maddie laughed bitterly, pulling her shaking hand out of mine and covering her face with both hands. “You wonder why you deserve me? I wonder why you even want me alive!”

“Stop talking like that,” I told her, and it came out a little harsher sounding than I meant it to, but it did the trick. “I can’t even begin to answer that question, but even if I could, I don’t know any words that would suffice to tell you how much you mean to me."

"Can you shut up and let me be mad at you for a little while longer?"

I pouted, finally making Maddie smile. "Maddie-bear...I love you..."

"Thank you."

I couldn't help but flinch. It wasn't the reply I wanted, or was used to. "...Ok, I guess I deserved that."

"I don't know, Alex...I need time," Maddie said with a soft sigh. “Saying ‘I love you’ isn’t going to make things better…”

I bit my lip and hung my head. “So many ways to say ‘I love you’, never enough to say how much,” I murmured, holding her slender hand with both of mine.

Maddie frowned at our hands now. “Love is so much more than holding hands, Alex.”

“What is love, then, Maddie?”

Maddie rolled her eyes and slipped her hand out of mine to tap the tip of my nose with her finger. “That’s something you have to figure out for yourself,” she said firmly. “But for me, right now…I think love is about two different personalities trying to confront life, trying to make sense of their responsibilities, to themselves, to each other, and to the world. And we got pretty fucking close before shit went down, Alex,” Maddie laughed bitterly.

She was done crying now, but her voice was still thick with unshed tears. “You know, I was seriously considering therapy, or rehab... Not because I think it would work or anything. Nothing can fix me at this point. But because I knew it would at least put your mind at ease. Now? Fuck no!”

“You need time, Maddie? Give me some time, too…Give me time to fix you, to change your mind.”

Maddie got to her feet, dusting off her jeans before pocketing her phone. “Good night, Alex.”

I was pretty desperate at this point. I got up and hugged her from behind so she couldn’t leave me just yet. “Maddie…”

“Alex!” Maddie yelled now, pushing me away. She’d never done that before. I just stood there, frozen in shock. “Just…Just stop it, alright? I’m done.”

I struggled for composure as I felt whatever was left of that little box that beats in my chest die a little more. First Daniel, now Maddie? Well, Maddie wasn’t dying, but she was still walking out of my life. I never had to gift of holding onto people, but losing Maddie? I can’t handle this.“So…y-you’re breaking up with me?”

Maddie brushed her hair behind her ear. She was wearing a gray Glamour Kills cardigan I got for her, a purple v-neck underneath, her usual skinny jeans, flip flops, and the gray beanie she stole from me but never gave back because I told her to keep it since it looked so good on her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted to kiss her. I selfishly still wanted her to still be mine. “Alex…”

I wanted her to say anything but what I heard her say next.