Fix Me, Conflict Me

“Alex, I said I’m done.”

Alex looked absolutely heartbroken. I had to turn away. “So…So you’re breaking up with me?”

“I don’t want to, but…Alex, you cheated on me. Really bad! I-I…we need to take break,” I managed to say, breathing hard because I was trying not to cry.

“…Ok,” Alex said softly, and I turned back to look at him this time. He looked so defeated, staring blankly at his shoes on the sidewalk.

“Alright,” I huffed, fiercely rubbing my eyes. “And, by break, I mean this – you don’t talk to me. You don’t come see me. You don’t make contact with me at all. For…the rest of the month.”

That certainly caught his attention. “But that’s, like, three weeks!”

“Go be single for those three fucking weeks, then!” Alex was taken aback by my outburst. “I want…I need to trust you again, Alex. I’m not even going to deny it… I need you in my life.” That seemed to perk him up a bit. “Prove I can trust you. Behave over this break, please?” Alex nodded dejectedly, so I sighed and began to walk home.

“Maddie, wait!” Alex called, trotting over to me and grabbing my hand. “Can I just…Can I say goodb – Can I say, see you later, then?” I rolled my eyes, but turned around, arms folded across my chest. I was determined to be mad at Alex, no matter what. Alex wrapped his arms around me tightly, lifting me off the ground a bit. I didn’t hug him back, but I did press my face against the crook of his neck, taking in his scent for the last time in a long time. “See you later, Maddie,” he murmured into my ear, and then he gently lowered me back down to the ground.

I only managed a wave before I turned around and walked home. I knew if I opened my mouth to say anything else, I’d take back everything I just said. Alex affected me more than he knew.


He was pretty good about following my rules. I didn’t see him anywhere the next few days. It was like he fell off the face of the earth the next week. Bailey said they were starting to record, so that explained it. I loved and hated this time away from Alex. It gave me time to think, to get my priorities back in order.

“Bailey!” I screamed, running into work with the envelope from Loyola Maryland in my hand. “Bailey, Bailey, Bailey!”

“Maddie, Maddie, Maddie!” she mimicked me. I wordlessly held the envelope out to her. “Oh, wow! Well, aren’t you going to open it?” I vigorously shook my head, shoving it into her hands. Bailey sighed, but tore the envelope open and slipped the paper out to open it up. She looked at it for a few minutes before sympathy crossed her features. That was all I needed to see on her face to know I didn’t get in. “Maddie,” Bailey sighed when I slumped to the floor. “Maddie, it’s not the end of the world…”

“Yeah,” I mumbled, crumpling up the rejection letter in my fist. “There’s always the University of Maryland…because, you know, terrapin turtles are so much cooler than grey hounds.”

Bailey wrinkled her nose. “Ew, their mascot is the turtle?”

“And their motto is, like, ‘Fear the turtle’ or something…so…stupid.” We laughed it off and I tried to play off my disappointment. It worked with Bailey. It would never have worked with Alex.

…Oh, Alex. I felt like he’s been away forever. When he’s gone, it’s like a piece of me is missing. And I mean a really big piece. It sucked, but I brought it upon myself. I’d be fine, though – just one more week, and we’re going to see each other again, and I’m going to forgive him, and we’re going to pretend this never happened…

Why forgive him, you ask? I know, I know. “Once a cheater, always a cheater”, right? If that’s true, maybe I’m just a masochist. I know deep down I’d always take Alex back. We needed each other too much. He was the glue that held me together after Cooper, like I held him together after Daniel. I can’t just cut him out of my life now.

After work that day, I headed back to my apartment to just fucking rest. I felt like without Alex around, I didn’t have enough to do. Not that my life revolved around him or anything, just that I wasn’t doing enough, or something. I started to work more to fill the gaps, so, of course, I got more tired. That was alright, though. The physical exertion distracted from the emotional turmoil. I needed that.

I was just calmly eating my grilled cheese and watching How I Met Your Mother when there was a knock on my door. When I went over to look through the peep hole, though, no one was there. I frowned and opened the door to step out. “Hello…?” I said hesitantly, looking down the hallways.

And then Cooper’s hand covered my mouth. “Hey, Madds,” he greeted my calmly, as he shoved me by my throat into my apartment, choking me so I couldn’t scream. He pushed me into one of my kitchen table chairs and I was trying to fight him so hard, but his punch to my face left me dazed. I didn’t struggle against him when he duct taped my ankles and wrists to the chair. Dammit.

“How the fuck did you find out where I live?” I choked out, still gasping for breath.

Cooper looked rather unkempt now. He sat down across from me, putting his elbows on the table. He knew I hated when he did that. “Why did you tell the cops about me?” he asked tiredly, resting his chin on his fist.

“What?”

“My whole operation was blown. They rolled up into that club one night and nearly caught me. Business has been bad ever since,” Cooper informed me, his voice accusing. “I had to leave our apartment, too,” Cooper sighed wistfully. I wanted to laugh when he used the word “our.” Yeah fucking right. “And now…” He glared at me hatefully. “They’re fucking looking for me.”

“I never said anything to the police.”

He slapped me so hard, I swear, my neighbors could probably hear it. “Don’t lie to me!”

“I. Never. Said –“

Cooper choked me some more while he taped over my mouth. “I don’t want to hear your lies,” he hissed, throwing down the roll of duct tape when he was done. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Nice place you’ve got for yourself, Madds…I guess this is an alright place for us to live together again.” Wow. I’m not a killer, but Cooper was really pushing it.

He dragged the chair over to the stove and taped it to the handle of the stove, so I couldn’t move. “I think I’ll take a shower…stay put now, alright, Madds?” Cooper said sweetly, smiling at me. I think he overdosed on something, to be doing all this crazy shit to me, still. “Hmm…one more thing…” He rummaged around in my kitchen drawers until he found a large chef knife. I panicked, but he cut all the phone lines in my apartment. Then he pocketed my cell phone. Damn him.

“Don’t even think about trying anything,” he said in a low voice, pressing the flat side of the blade against my cheek. “No calling the police, or your little girly friend, or that boy toy of yours. No.” Cooper sliced my cheek for good measure before smiling at me, kissing my forehead, putting down the knife where I couldn’t possibly reach it, and strolling into my bathroom.

Where was Alex when I needed him?!