Fix Me, Conflict Me

“I can give blood,” I quickly offered. Alex was unconscious and in desperate need of a blood transfusion. He gave me some of his blood… I felt like I needed to return the favor.

“I’m sorry, Ms. Bonner, but you can’t. We think the bullet has infected your bloodstream, your iron levels are too low, and you don’t weigh enough,” the doctor informed me. “We can take care of this problem for you in a few hours, but Mr. Gaskarth needs blood now.”

“Oh,” was all I could say as I leaned back in my hospital bed and rolled my sleeve down. They put something in my IV that made me go the fuck to sleep, and when I woke up it was two in the morning. I was worried, so I slipped out of bed and stumbled around the hospital hallways until I found Alex’s room. He was so still and pale on the hospital bed, especially in the moonlight.

I sighed before pulling the recliner out into its laying down position and getting into it.

“Maddie?”

I froze at the hoarse sound of his voice and straightened up the chair, scooting closer to him to grab his hand in both of mine. “I’m here, Alex…how are you feeling?”

“Like a million bucks,” he sighed, and I felt him pull one of my hands up to kiss it. “And you? You’re the one that’s hurt the most, there was no exit wound…”

“I’m fine,” I promised him, trying not to cry. “You know, I feel like the doctors made it sound like you were worse off than you really were just to mind fuck me,” I laughed, resting my head on the side of his bed.

Alex laughed, and I felt him playing with my hair. “I was worried about you, too, Maddie – bear.”

“Alright, well, we can stop worrying now. Let’s get some sleep…”


With Cooper gone, I wasn’t living in fear anymore. Alex helped me straighten out my apartment again once we were out of the hospital. “Hey… I love you. A lot. It’s, like, weird,” I told Alex one day. We were just sitting on my kitchen floor on a lazy Tuesday afternoon, with Baz sandwiched between us where I could pet his head just perfectly.

Alex laughed, taking my hand and holding it to his chest. “I love you, like, a lot, too,” he teased, and then I felt something cold on my hand.

“What the fuck?” I complained, taking my hand out of his grip. I had to swallow thickly when I saw what was on my hand, though – the prettiest ring ever. “O-Oh, Alex…”

Alex scooted away from me a little bit to watch me and gauge my reaction. “I got one, too,” he said, lifting up his right hand so I could see his ring. “Promise rings. Do…you like it?”

“I love it,” I whispered, doing my best not to cry. “I just…I…” I sighed and turned my head the other way so he couldn’t see my face and the tears that threatened to spill over. “Never mind.”

“What is it?” Alex murmured, nudging my shoulder, but I didn’t budge. Alex sighed and wrapped his arm around my waist, easily pulling me onto his lap. “Maddie,” Alex sighed, his breath down my neck making me shiver. “I hate when you do that to me. Just tell me. If you don’t want to wear promise rings, that’s fine, just –“

“No, I do want to wear promise rings,” I cut him off, leaning back into him. “It’s just…I feel like you’re leaving me…” Alex fell silent, confirming my worst fears. “Fuck, Alex,” I choked out, trying to pry his arms off me and get up.

“Maddie, please, just hear me out,” Alex begged, his grip on me only tightening. I sighed and gave up after a few minutes. Alex was stronger than me. “We’ll wrap up recording soon, and then we’ve got tour coming up…”

“How long is the tour?” I asked hesitantly, twisting the promise ring around and around on my finger.

“Well…we’re looking at…about an eight month long tour, maybe longer.”

I sighed, but leaned back, resting my head on his shoulder so I could kiss his skull and crossbones tattoo just behind his ear. “I’ll try not to miss you too much,” I murmured, closing my eyes and just enjoying his presence. “When do you leave?”

“ A week from today. We’re touring with The Starting Line, Mayday Parade, We Are the In Crowd, Cartel, The Cab, and Brighter…and that’s just in the US…”

I was conflicted between being happy for Alex and his band and being sad for Alex and I. And then I was kind of mad that he was telling me on such short notice, but at least he told me. “We’ll be alright,” I tried to say with a nonchalant shrug. “I’ll be in school, you’ll be on tour….we’ll be alright,” I repeated, feeling the need to convince myself of that fact more than the need to convince Alex of that fact.

“I’d bring you if I could, but –“

“No girlfriends allowed by order of Matt, I understand,” I laughed, pulling his arms around me tighter. “Hey…let’s go do something stupid.”

Alex arched an eyebrow at me, but gladly went along with it. We got ready to head out and we went…bar hopping…in the middle of the day. That’s pretty fucking stupid if you ask me. “You know what? I want to get a tattoo,” I declared. Probably not the best thing to do while pretty drunk. But it was stupid, and that was the point.

“Ok,” Alex agreed, and we were off to the tattoo parlor where he got his skull and crossbones on his neck and the trick or treating skeleton on his arm. “What are we getting?” Alex asked when we got inside.

“We?” I repeated, arching an eyebrow at my wonderful boyfriend

“We need to get matching tattoos,” Alex decided, nodding to himself. “You know what I feel like we should get? We should get anchors. Because, you’re my anchor,” Alex said, slinging his arm over my shoulder.

“What, I weigh you down?” I asked, and it was a semi serious question because I was semi sober when I asked it.

Alex grinned and kissed the side of my head before telling the tattoo artist there what we wanted to get.“Nope, you just keep my feet on the ground.”