Fix Me, Conflict Me

“Be more careful next time,” I told the cute little brunette before running home. I felt good. I mean, sure, I hurt people, but they deserved it for what they were going to do to her. I didn’t know I had that fight in me, actually. I just…I thought it was something Daniel would do…

I knocked on the door, shivering now in the rain, but I didn’t regret giving that girl my hoodie. I knew I’d probably never see it again, but I really don’t give a fuck. I helped her. I did something good. Maybe if I did enough good things, I’d be at some kind of peace with myself, o-or it would atone for the bad things I’ve done, because pushing Daniel to suicide was the worst thing I’ve ever done and could ever do in my life. I shook my wet hair out of my eyes and sighed, ringing the doorbell obnoxiously. Finally, my mother answered the door, looking shocked to see me. “Alexander!”

“Hi,” I said through chattering teeth, shoving past her and heading to the kitchen. The floor was tile, so maybe she wouldn’t chew me out too bad if I just chilled there for a while.

“Alexander, where have you been?” my mother demanded hysterically. “Your father was on his way to the police office to file a missing person’s report! What were you doing out in that weather?”

“Taking a walk to clear my head,” I told her simply, peeling off my wet shirt, socks, and shoes before sitting down at the kitchen table. “Can you yell at me later? I’m tired now.”

She sighed, but called my dad and told him not to file the report, that I’d come home. Then she gathered up my wet clothes and told me to take a shower. I tiredly obeyed. It was only in the steamy hot water that I realized what I’d done. After hurriedly showering, drying off, and dressing, I hurried downstairs. “Mom! Dad!”

They both got up from the kitchen table. “What is it, Alex?” my dad asked, panic in his voice.

“I just wanted… I didn’t think… I’m sorry I walked off without saying anything,” I apologized, hanging my head. I’d just disappeared on them. They didn’t need to think they lost another son. “I’m sorry for making you worry…I’m fine. I just wanted to take a walk and be alone for a while.”

“That’s quite alright,” dad sighed, sinking into his chair again and cradling his head in his hands. I looked away. I hope I never know the pain of losing your child.

“Come have some hot chocolate, love,” my mom said, waving me over to my place at the table, where she had a tall mug of hot chocolate waiting for me.

We all sat at the table in silence, save for the ambience of the storm outside and the soft thuds of our mugs being placed down on the table when we were done drinking from them. Dinner was carried out in the same fashion, and I barely ate. I couldn’t. Part of me, still in denial, was still waiting, waiting for Daniel to sit down and complain that I was taking too much room, waiting for Daniel to elbow me and make me spill my drink...I was waiting for nothing.

“May I be excused?” I sighed, standing up and taking my plate of picked at food to the fridge. “I’m sorry, I don’t feel good… I think I’ll go to sleep now.”

“Alright…we’re here if you need anything,” my mom said hesitantly. My dad still had this vacant look on his face and he was eating his dinner in an almost robotic fashion.

“Hey, mom? Dad?” They both looked at me. I was standing on the stairwell, about to go upstairs. “I just, uh… I know I don’t say this often, but… Um, I love you.”

Dad’s eyes watered and mom’s mouth opened, but no words came out. “We love you too, son,” my dad said gruffly, before turning to focus on his dinner again. I bounded upstairs to work on the songs I’d started a little bit more.

I dreamed about Daniel for two weeks straight every night after my run in the rain. In other words, my sleeping pattern was fucked up. I didn’t really go out, but Zack, Rian, and Jack came to see me a lot. Not all at once, and that was fine by me. I don’t think I was ready to be around lots of people again just yet. It was Zack today. We were in my room and I was showing him the songs I’d started to write. I could barely sing them, though. My voice cracked all the fucking time, because all the songs were about Daniel.

“Hey, Alex?” Zack asked after a moment’s pause. We were pigging out on pizza bites and watching some reruns of That 70’s Show. “Where’s your Dulaney hoodie? You know…the gray one?”

“I gave it away,” I said simply, throwing up another pizza bite in the air and catching it in my mouth.

No more was said on the matter. When the reruns were over, we got back to working on the songs. “Boys, could you come down here, please?” I frowned. What could my mother want with us? We went downstairs after shrugging at each other. She was talking with dad pretty intently until we got there. “Perfect! Alright, Zack, take Alex here and let him pick whichever one he wants,” she said hurriedly, handing Zack a slip of paper before she pushed us both out the door.

“I don’t wanna go anywhere,” I said stiffly, trying to push back, but we were already out the front door. “Wow, ‘pick whichever one he wants’? What’s the address, to some strip club?” I said sarcastically… but then I saw recognition flash across Zack’s features when he looked at the paper. “Zack, what the fuck? Were you in on this?” I demanded angrily.

“No, I swear I…! I don’t know what’s going on, but I know this place,” he said quietly after fully reading the slip of paper my mother had scribbled on. He handed it to me before grabbing me by my collar and dragging me with him to my car, despite my protests. “C’mon, bro, you haven’t been out in, like, a month,” Zack pointed out when we were in his car and driving away from my house.

“Maybe that’s because I’m in fucking mourning,” I said a little too bitterly. Zack drove in silence after that. “Zack…Zack, man, I’m sorry…”

He didn’t answer me and instead pulled into a parking space in front of this seedy looking… animal shelter? “We’re here,” he announced, crumpling up the paper and stuffing it in his pocket.

I followed him inside. He walked around like he’d been there before. “Bailey? Madison?” he said loudly, walking up to the counter. “Oh, hey there, Maddie!”

The cute brunette from that rainy night stood before me. She was even wearing my hoodie. Zack glanced at me out of the corner of his eyes, though, so I had to keep my composure. “Hi, Zack… who’s your friend?”

“Maddie, this is Alex Gaskarth,” Zack kicked my shin and introduced me when I wouldn’t introduce myself.

I waved at her lamely. “Madison Bonner,” she introduced herself with a bright smile. My snarky side that I thought had died wanted to ridicule her last name - pronounce it Boner instead of Bonner just to see how she'd react. I didn't. She reached over the counter with an outstretched hand that she wanted me to shake. I didn’t.

Her face fell and she dropped her hand. Things would’ve gotten awkward if it weren’t for this little uppity blonde girl skipping over and kissing Zack. “Zack! Hey, sweetie!”

“Hey, Bay,” he mumbled around her lips, intensifying the kiss. Ah, so this was the infamous girlfriend Zack was seeing. I guess she was pretty. Zack always had a very specific type, and, boy, was Bailey his type. After a while, Madison coughed loudly and they broke the kiss.

“So, is there a real reason for this visit or can I go back to the employee lounge?” Madison asked Zack.

Bailey wrapped her arms around Zack’s waist while he draped his arm over her shoulders, jerking his thumb in my direction. “Alex here would like to adopt a dog.”

I had to do a double take. “What did you just say?”

“That’s what your mom told you to do, ‘pick whichever one you want’,” Zack repeated, smirking at the look on my face. “Maddie, show Alex the dogs, would you?”

Maddie walked around the counter and unlocked the door at the far end of the room. Already you could hear the barking. “This way, Alex,” she called my name. I followed her to where all the dog cages were, wrinkling my nose at the distinct animal smell, but Maddie seemed used to it. “Come on in and take a look around! When you see a dog you like, let me know, and I’ll open their cage for you.”

I nodded and walked up and down the aisle, looking at every dog in every cage. Some were really young, and some were really old. Some were huge, and some were tiny. But they all looked so sad and forlorn. Then I saw him – the dog that she walked the night I beat up those guys before they had their way with her. I knelt by his cage and poked my fingers in. he barked happily, licking my fingers and wagging his tail. I could feel a smile spread on my face. It hurt, only because I hadn’t smiled in so long.

Maddie knelt down beside me, her eyes widening as she saw which dog I was playing with. “Oh… do you, uh, want me to open the cage?” she asked a little reluctantly. She looked at this little dog with nothing but love in her big brown eyes. I nodded, so she unlocked it and let him out. She watched me play with the little dog, but her eyes were ambivalent. She looked like she was happy the dog like me and like she wanted to tear the dog from my arms.

“What’s his name?” I asked, trying not to stare at the yellowing, hand shaped bruise on her neck. She seemed to notice and flipped her hair around to cover the bruise.

“He’s called Sebastian,” Maddie answered, toying with the drawstrings of the hoodie. It was big on her, It only made her cuter though. “Baz for short.” Yeah, I know.

“I want to adopt him,” I said, watching her eyes carefully. They still contained that ambivalence.

“Ok,” Maddie said simply, getting up. “Just bring him up here and fill out a little paperwork, then-“

“I don’t want him right now,” I said hurriedly. When I said that, her whole face lit up. Aha, I knew she was really attached to this dog. “Can I just… fill in the paperwork right now, and get him…later? My house is so not ready for a dog right now.”

“Oh, ok,” Maddie laughed, and she looked so relieved. “Right this way, then.” She brought me back to the counter and signed Sebastian over to me. “You keep these papers, and you can pick up Sebastian at your earliest convenience,” She said so very formally, handing me the papers.

“You really love that dog, don’t you?” I asked her quietly. Zack and Bailey had vanished.

Maddie blushed, but laughed it off. “Yeah, Baz has always been one of my favorites. I’d adopt him myself, but my apartment building doesn’t allow pets,” she sighed wistfully. “You’ll take good care of Sebastian, won’t you?”

“Absolutely. I promise I’ll take good care of him,” I told her, watching a smile ease onto her face. But still, my eyes were drawn to her bruised neck. “What happened to your neck?” I asked before I could stop myself.

Her eyes widened and she covered her neck with her hair again. I would’ve pried some more, but Zack came over. “So, you picked a dog?” he asked, letting go of Bailey to stand by me. Damn, Zack. Way to ruin the moment.

“Yeah, but I’ll get it later…Come on, Zack, let’s go,” I muttered, forcing myself to look away from Maddie. “Bye, Bailey, Bye Maddie,” I said, only because Zack was clutching my shoulder so hard and giving me this crazy glare. “It was nice to meet you. See you around.”

The girls said their goodbyes, too, and then Zack and I were in the car. “Damn, Lex, I know you’re mad at the world, but you can still be civil to it!”

“Take me home,” I sighed, ignoring Zack’s rant about my rudeness and looking at my picture of Baz.

Maybe Maddie and I could share.