Fix Me, Conflict Me

Dean dragged me up to my apartment by my hair and wouldn’t let go until he’d thrown me down onto the floor of my living room. I’d been staying with Bailey for a while just to avoid my apartment. Dean and Cooper’s other customers came around a lot, and I wasn’t prepared to handle them. I only came home today because Bailey was out with Zack, and I needed more clothes. “She keeps saying she burned everything.”

I cracked my eyes open, seeing a familiar pair of slip on Vans on our living room rug. “Oh, Madds,” a familiar voice sighed, making my blood turn cold. “You really shouldn’t have done that.”

Dean hoisted me up off the floor and put me in the rocking chair facing the couch. The couch that Cooper was now sitting in. “C-Cooper?” He was wearing a plain faded blue shirt and skinny jeans with his slip on Vans, a leather jacket on the arm of the couch. “How did…”

“I’ve got friends in highly low places,” he shrugged, smirking to himself. “Madds, why did you burn the goods?” Cooper asked in a dangerously calm voice. I bit my lip, not answering. Cooper shook his head indulgently before getting to his feet. He walked over to me and rested his hands on my shoulders. “Answer me, Madds.”

I couldn’t speak. I was terrified. Cooper’s lips pressed into a thin line. “Dean, check the vents in the kitchen floor,” he told his friend. Dean disappeared for a moment. Cooper brushed some of my hair over my ear. “What’s wrong, Maddie?” he asked sweetly. It made me sick.

I heard the creak of metal and a loud clang before Dean whooped in triumph. He returned with a small plastic bag stuffed with white powder. Damn, how did I miss that? “That’s all of it?” Cooper asked, a hint of anger in his voice. Dean nodded, and he made to open up the bag, but Cooper snatched it away. He held the bag up to my face. “This bag alone is easily worth a few grand…Can you remember how much you burned, Madds? Can you imagine how much money that would be, Madds?”

I felt it, I was crying now. “And you fucking burned that shit!” Cooper roared, his hands finding my throat and tightening around it. He yelled some more things, but I couldn’t hear him, I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I knew, my mouth was being duck taped over. “Give me that,” Cooper hissed, and then he released his hold on my throat. I could only breathe through my nose now. “You deserve this, Maddie,” Cooper whispered into my ear before shoving my face onto the living room table.

My nose was the only way I could breathe, and Cooper was making me snort coke. I was screaming behind that duck tape, but no one could hear me, of course. I had no choice but to snort that white powder. I didn’t even know how much of it he made me snort, but it was a fucking lot. He hit me over the head when there was no more coke on the table, and I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was on the living room rug, completely naked and alone. The table was still dusted with some coke, but everyone was gone. Gasping and sobbing, I slowly got up and went to my room. I don’t know what happened after the coke, but I could take a guess from the way my lower back ached and the inside of my thighs had my own dried blood on them. I got dressed and peeled the tape off my mouth, trying to ignore my bruises. This is why I just wanted to die.

How could Cooper do this to me?

I washed my face, feeling dizzy from the drug use. I dusted off the table, and that was when I found the razorblade Cooper used to make the lines of coke.

I couldn’t help but smile at my escape. I rolled down my sleeve and pressed the blade to my wrist, breathing slowly as I slid it across and into my skin. I wanted to die now; I wanted to die like this. I didn’t want to live as a coke addict, because I was sure that’s what I’d be if I came to my senses.

My phone was ringing and playing the chorus of Toasted Skin by The Academy Is, so I knew it was Bailey calling. They were one of her favorite bands, and that was her favorite song by them. I couldn’t find the energy to find my phone and answer it, though. All my energy was seeping down my arm and soaking into the rug. Drugs take everything away.

Once my cell phone stopped ringing, my apartment phone started ringing. It rang until you heard our voicemail.

“Hey, you’ve reached Maddie!”

“And Cooper!”

We made that voicemail the day we moved in, and we never changed it. We sounded so happy. Thoughts of the Cooper I knew back then made me cry.

“We’re not home,” our cheerful voices said in unison.

“But leave a message,” Cooper piped up.

“After the beep!” I spoke after him.

Then, like the idiots we were, we said “BEEEEEEEEEP.” You could hear us laugh for a moment, which was cut off by the actual beep of the answering machine.

”Hey, Maddie, it’s Bailey!” she said brightly.

I sighed as I cut my arm some more.

“Why aren’t you picking up your cell? Well, anyways, I’m coming up to your apartment. Zack wants to go out this weekend, and I figured we could just double date so you won’t have to stay home alone. Zack can bring Alex for you, I know how much you like him,” Bailey giggled. “So, I’m coming up to help you pack accordingly! See you soon, Maddie!”

Bailey hung up. I turned my attention to the door of my apartment and swore when I saw that it was slightly open. Bailey would be able to get in. I perked up a bit at the mention of Alex’s name. I remembered our walks and talks and sighed to myself, cutting my arm again. I didn’t want Bailey to find me the way Alex had found Daniel. I couldn’t do that to her…but I couldn’t get up anymore. I couldn’t close and lock my apartment door.

I just closed my eyes, hoping I wouldn’t open them again.