You Know It's Just Rock and Roll

When the door shut, my heart stopped and suddenly, it was so hard to breathe. What could I do now? I was so scared that day, where the hell could I go? What could I do? What could I say? I knew nothing. Just a naive little girl. Fresh out of school, thank god I had some qualifications.

I was so pathetic.

Always crying. I could never stop. Feeling sorry for myself. I just needed someone. I couldn’t admit what was ever wrong. I was somewhere unknown. In my heart, I knew it was wrong all along. Everything was always wrong. I was never found. I hid for too long. Somewhere unknown.

Of all the people, I never thought it would ever be him. He came back for me. He said he’d be there. I never thought for one second that he would actually mean it. I can’t believe I ever doubted him, but I’m sure anyone would have from my point of view. I never have since. I know he’s there. I just got to call him. I can tell him anything that’s wrong. He knows how I feel at least.

My parents kicked me out of their home, when I was only seventeen. I can’t blame them. I was always drunk, sometimes high and just the worse daughter they could ever have given birth too. Even if I amazingly got the grades I needed. I treated them like shit. The people who were suppose to love me unconditionally. But instead, wanted to kill me from the moment I could walk and talk.

From the moment they shut the door on me, I was lost. I was now homeless, vulnerable and terrified. I’ve stayed in shelters, I’ve slept rough. I’ve been in danger, I’ve been a drunken tramp. I’m twenty years old now. Traveling the world, thanks to him.

***

I stood out of view at the side of the stage. My eyes followed Ben as he moved and jumped around on stage. Ben made me smile when I watched him. I enjoyed this, every night, standing at the side of the stage. Watching them perform.

And as the final chords of the final song of the night rings out, he looks at me. I smile at him before he walks off to the side of the stage. Handing his roadie his guitar before he finally walks over to me.

His arms wrap around me tightly and I relax against him before I wrap mine around him. I lean my head against his shoulder before he pulls away from me. I laugh at how much he sweats and how much of it transferred to my clothes. How he smelt didn’t bother me anymore, I was used to it.

“You look tired Alyssa.”

His comment catches me off guard as I look at him. He shrugged his shoulders as I look at him confused. I was the tired one? It didn’t seem right to be that way around.

“Oh.” Was all I could say at first. “Maybe I’ll miss out on tonight’s antics.”

“I think it’ll do you good to be honest.”

Again, his comment caught me off guard. It seemed weird hearing the table being turned. I’m not telling him this for once. But Ben seemed to be looking his best. He hadn’t looked this good for a while, even when just coming off of stage.

We started to walk back to their tour bus. The venue was now empty and it was clean up time but for the band and the rest of us, we were just getting started. Drinks were already being ramped down each other’s throats. Danny could barely stand and Cameron could just about greet me when I got onto the bus with Ben.

His comment was still present in my mind. Did I really look that tired? How could I be so tired? So I just said my goodnights being rewarded with a bottle of tequila from Sam. I retreated back to the bunk that me and Ben often shared. We weren’t anything other than friends, but we were close. We didn’t care about sharing beds and such. He’s been looking after me since he found out I was homeless. I guess it’s also a comfort for him to have me close to him.

His mac was on my lap when I got myself comfy. I took a sig of tequila while Ben’s background images of naked women loaded up. I checked my emails. It was mainly spam as most people’s are. Facebook, twitter, some bank that I don’t even have an account with... I’ve seen it before.

But a Facebook email caught my eye. A name I hadn’t seem for three years appeared. For once I logged into Facebook. There was a message. From my dad. The man that kicked me out three years ago with the intention of never seeing me again.

I didn’t think this was you when I first saw the suggestion come up. But it is actually you. I can’t believe it, you’ve changed so much. I’m glad you’re okay, you’re safe... I know what happened those years ago... I know this will be shocking for you to read and you’ll probably go off on one I’d imagine. But please try and carry on reading.
We worried about you so much. We just couldn’t cope with you anymore. Especially when we found out it was actually coke, Alyssa we just couldn’t. I guess this is trying to say, you are our daughter. We love you no matter what. You are part of us after all. How can we hate parts of ourselves? We’re glad to see Ben helped you and you’re safe with him and his friends. I know we’re not going to speak much, but there is just so much left unsaid. We love Alyssa, you are our daughter forever. We are proud.

So, my brain racked through what they had said. Over Facebook. It didn’t seem true, when they hadn’t shown much love to me for most of my life anyway, they only loved me when I couldn’t talk. I was fine without them, I’ve proved that in my life. I needed a different type of family.

Well, I’m okay, I know I there is more to this. I could have been a better kid blah blah blah, but don’t worry. I have a new family now. Thanks for the message, but you taught me one thing at least and that was to forgive and move on. I forgive you, and goodbye.

It hurt to send. I didn’t even believe a word they said. I knew them better. I took another mouthful of the tequila before Ben came back into the bunk area. Completely smashed, girls hanging off his arm. I quickly shut his mac.

“Oh, Alyssa babe!” I was surprised he managed to say my name perfectly. “Could I have my bed please? You can go back in there after!”

I just nodded my head as I climbed out of his bunk. He quickly pushed passed me and climbed in with the girls. I sighed placing his mac on Danny’s bunk leaving before I heard something that burned into my mind permanently.

I was thankful we hadn’t started to move yet. The guys and god knows who else was in the back of the bus partying as usual. With the bottle of tequila still in my hand I left the bus walking the few yards needed to get to the roadies bus. Luckily one of them wasn’t joining the guys tonight and they all knew what was happening whenever I came to their bus.

My mind was restless. I didn’t know what was bothering me. Whether it was the message from my parents or knowing Ben wouldn’t care about me till he was fully recovered from his hang over and god knows when that was. It was relieving to hear the bus start up and feel it start to move. But there was still something bothering me about where I was right now. I was sick of traveling, always moving, always changing. I just want to be stable.

I need a home sweet home.