Infallible

I swayed along with the music blasting from my stereo, my fingers tapping lightly against the gauzy material of my skirt. As the words belted out of my mouth right on time and key, I wasn’t alone anymore. In that moment, I wasn’t terrified, or hiding, or being crushed by the pressure. I was just Rylan, and it was beautiful.

Melodic notes filled the room in a way that could only be described as magical. I stood, my eyes shut, as I instinctively allowed the lyrics to roll off of my lips and the music took over. Singing had always come naturally to me; there was no other way to describe it. It was the one thing that I truly shone at, the only thing that differentiated me from Aven. And at the moment, it was the only thing keeping me sane.

“You could at least sing something from this century,” Aven sneered, a slamming door announcing her intrusion. I froze, quickly fumbling around to silence the CD, but the damage was already done.

“I’m practicing. Ms. Asher gave me a solo for the winter concert,” I mumbled, my gaze focused on the plush carpeting beneath my bare feet. Aven made a face between a scowl and sickening smile, quickly closing the distance between the us.

“Well isn’t that just lovely,” she hissed, popping open the small CD player and twirling the reflecting disc around her finger. I winced a bit, praying it wouldn't go flying across the room or get snapped in half.

“What are you doing in my room? Haven’t you heard of knocking?” Aven widened her eyes innocently, blinking her ebony lashes a few times for show. I knew the sharp words were a mistake as soon as they left my mouth, but I tried not to show it.

“Of course I have. I didn’t mean to offend you, baby sister.” Her voice was patronizing as she refocused on the silver object in her hands. “You spend so much time practicing this stupid music.”

“What do you want, Aven?” I snapped, stealthily snatching my CD back. Aven rolled her eyes, perching on my bed like it was hers, and I was the intruder here. “Yes, and by that I mean ‘come in and make yourself welcome’.”

My eyes locked with the icy ones of my older sister, and we were completely still as we watched each other. My eyes narrowed suspiciously as I wrapped an arm around myself. Aven wore a haughty smile and her expression gave away the joy she received from watching me squirm. Moments passed without a word spoken, and finally, I let out an annoyed and exasperated groan as I realized Aven wasn’t going to leave. Honestly, I should have realized it sooner. Aven did things on her terms and played by her rules, even with my life.

“You spend too much time rehearsing,” Aven began slowly.

An outsider might have seen it as a statement of concern, one said out of caring. I just snorted and raised my eyebrows at my dearest sister. I wish she would just cut to the chase already, and I found myself egging her on with my sarcasm.

“You said that already, oddly enough. At the rate you’re going, you just might win an Oscar," I informed her before turning to put my CD back in the stereo.

“Fine, have it your way, I’ll stop the hinting and sugarcoating,” Aven said coldly. “You spend all your time at school for rehearsals or something for that stupid choir. Mom and Dad aren’t going to say anything about it, because they’re so damn proud. We both know Mom’s got a death sentence, Rylan. You need to be here. You need to quit.”

It struck a nerve in me, and I shook my head slowly. Aven didn't falter or backtrack, she just watched me expectantly as it sunk in. I shut my eyes, but only saw my mother's tear-stained face. It was more torture than anything Aven could conjure up.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked thickly, feeling the tears prickling at my eyes.

I wanted to chalk it up to jealousy. I wanted to scream, to point out to Aven how little time she spent at the house. However, my stomach was churning in a way that made all of those things impossible.

“It needed to be said,” she shrugged. “It’s all up to you Rylan. I just don’t want to see you do something you’ll regret.”

The words felt like a knife being dragged across my skin. My heart was being ripped to pieces in my chest cavity as my dreams slipped from my grasp. Shallow breaths were all I could manage as my eyes fell to look at my feet.

“You’re right,” I whimpered gently.

Saying the words to Aven felt foreign; it felt wrong. But I saw my mother's face, and I just had to agree. I couldn't turn my back on her now; I wouldn't. I felt Aven's arms wrap around me and her breath tickled the skin of my ear.

“I knew you’d make the right choice. You’re such a sweet, good little girl.”

I choked back a sob, instead gnawing on the inside of my cheek. Aven's words stung like the final blow. I nodded and watched my older sister turn and saunter out of my bedroom, carelessly dragging the door behind her. As soon as she was gone, I crumbled to the ground, pulling my knees to my chest. The conversation bounced through my head, and I could feel my heart sinking even further.

How had everything gone so wrong? I was losing my mother to an unseen assailant, and now, I was losing my passion and dream. I squeezed my teary eyes shut, trying to block out reality. It was useless though. Why was the world so determined to tear me to shreds?



“Great job today, guys. Keep practicing, and I’ll see you tomorrow!” Ms. Asher called cheerily as the clock announced our after-school practice was over.

I stood awkwardly behind as the other students flocked to the door. My heart was thudding against my chest and I could feel my palms sweating as I thought about I had to do. My eyes flickered from the white and gray speckled tiles to Ms. Asher, who was straightening up the chorus room.

“Ms. Asher, could I talk to you?” I sputtered out hesitantly. Confrontations of any sort had never been my strong point.

The blond woman looked up curiously, pushing her glasses up her nose a bit. She gave me a warm smile though, her hazel eyes sparkling as she leaned against the baby grand piano. That look made everything even harder and I looked at the black and white keys of the piano instead.

“Of course, Rylan. What’s on your mind?”

I bit down on my lip, trying to think of any reason not to say what I was about to. I wrung my hands together, my mind completely at war. I wanted more than anything to keep my spot and solo; I had worked and fought like hell for it. However, I didn’t know what the future held, and I couldn’t bring myself to waste any precious time I had with Mom, not even for this.

“Rylan?” Ms. Asher’s soprano voice broke through my internal debate, and as I snapped back into focus, I was made well aware of the concerned look she was shooting in my direction.

“Sorry. Ms. Asher, I’m so incredibly humbled and grateful that you picked me for honors and asked me to do the solo. The thing is,” my voice cracked, and I winced before continuing in a whisper. “I can’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I have to drop out.”

“You’re quitting?”

I focused intently on my gray boots and the tile underneath them. The shocked note my mentor’s voice had taken was a good enough indicator of the disappointment. I hated disappointing her, after she had put so much faith and time into me. I hated doing this to myself and to her. But it was a war of my heart against itself, and in the end, I had to make sure my my mother wouldn't take a hit at my hands.

“Yeah,” I confirmed weakly. Silence enveloped us, and I wanted more than anything to sprint out of the room.

“Rylan, you’re so incredibly talented. What brought this on?” Ms. Asher sounded hurt, and I felt so, so ashamed.

I bowed my head further, my wild curls hiding my torn face since I couldn't.

“I just can’t. I’m so sorry.”

I didn’t wait for a response. I turned so quickly I nearly took out a chair and myself. My eyes were watering dangerously as I flew blindly away. At least for once, I didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing me. Rehearsals for honors choir always ran until five, and school ended at three. I was alone in my misery.

I made it to my locker, spinning the dial furiously. It refused to open, though, no matter how many times I spun it to the right code. Finally, I let out a terrible shriek and I fell into a pattern of mercilessly pounding my fists against the cool metal then tugging at the handle. It still refused to budge, and my frustrated cry echoed the vacant hallways.

“Whoa, what are you doing?” Brent called from out from out of nowhere. Before I even had time to react, his hands looping around my wrist, willing me to stop.

Being calm and collected was far from my mind as I fought and thrashed against him, but I wasn't nearly strong enough and my energy quickly drained. Eventually, I gave up, the warm, salty tears covering my face. I whipped around, my features contorted into a mask of fury. All of the anger and rage and frustration I had was suddenly channeled towards him. The look I gave him must have been awful, because it accomplished what my physical strength couldn't. Brent’s eyes widened, and he released my wrists immediately.

“Why are you here so late?” I snapped. Embarrassment was seeping through me as I realized he had saw the whole episode. It was easier to be bitchy than deal with the questions, I guess. There was no mercy left in me for him.

“I had basketball practice,” he said carefully, evaluating me while speaking. “Now can you answer my question?”

“The stupid locker won’t open,” I said, involuntarily sniffling. I cursed inside my mind as his concern deepened with that simple action.

“What’s going on, Ry?” He waited for an answer, but I crossed my arms, looking past him stubbornly. “Ry, c’mon.”

“I just quit honors choir and gave up my solo,” I said shortly and started walking towards the glass double doors at the end of the hall that would lead me to the parking lot. I figured the shock and my tone would be enough to catch him off guard so I could leave, but after a few moments I heard his footsteps right behind me.

“Ry, why would you do that? You love singing!” he said as if I didn't already know. I turned around to face him, but never slowed down my pace. He was still out of breath from practice and couldn't quite keep up.

“I know that! It doesn’t even matter, Brent. Just drop it!” I called, my jaw set. Brent pursed his lips, quickening his speed.

“Rylan—“ he called, nearly tripping as I halted right in front of him. He barely avoided toppling both of us over, but skittered to a stop with a few centimeters to spare.

“Brentley, I do not want to talk about it. End of story,” I hissed.

I didn't give him the opportunity to reply or protest. I spun around and walked briskly away, hoping he hadn't noticed the damn tears that had started up again. I pushed the door open so hard it slammed against the wall outside, the awful bang reverberating through the halls behind me. As I emerged into the crisp air I broke into a run, barely making it into my car before my knees gave out and I was full on sobbing into my knees. And I couldn't help but think of the looks on Ms. Asher and Brent's faces, like I was a stranger they didn't recognize.

Hell, as I caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror, I didn't recognize me either.