Love within Ashes

Chapter 13: At the beginning

I woke up delighted by the scent of cigarette and cologne. My morning with Billy was full of pleasure and delight. I had the best sex of my life. I was his, and he was mine. I opened my eyes to see that it was midday and Billy was gone.

"He went to Joe's trial", I thought.

I sat on my bed, looking at my lap and remembering my day with Billy. I was really happy. I felt more happier than ever. I looked at the past and all my sufferings and for the first time in my life, I smiled and thanked them. Because if it wasn't for them , I would never met Billy, the love of my life. I saw the clock and it was 4:45 PM. Next to my alarm clock, was a piece of written paper. I reached out to get it and started to read it, it said: "Thank you for paying Bob's debt the way I wanted! Looks like it wasn't a dream, or was it? Till never."

My heart stopped! Was this a joke? Did Billy wrote this? Was he joking? Is this a dream? I began panting, I couldn't breath. It felt like somebody penetrated my heart with a knife. That somebody was Billy. He stabbed me in my heart, soul, in my faith in love. I wanted to cry, but I hold my tears, as always. I ran to my bathroom and turned on the shower. when I felt the water drops all over my body my tears began to fall. I crumbled. I fell on my knees in that shower. I yelled angry at myself for being so stupid. For falling in love with him. He used me, I tried to tell my soul, but she didn't listened. My soul insisted that what he wrote was lie, a falsehood, while my mind tried to convinced her, Billy used me, and now he dumped me like some trash. Like a whore. I felt dirty and hopeless. I stayed in the shower crying, weeping and howling for about two hours.
When I felt strong enough to stand up from the shower floor, I decided to call Billy. I wanted an explanation. I wanted to hear him say that he was joking, taunting me.
He didn't answered any of my calls. I wasn't on a nightmare, I was awake and this was happening, this was real.

Four days passed, almost a week, and Billy didn't called me nor visited me. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I couldn't remove him from my mind, my soul, my heart. At night I felt his skin, his hands around me and his manly cologne. He left me with the ability of staying in my room.

Aubrey visited me but I didn't talked to her about this. She knew that something was wrong and that Billy and I weren't Billy and I anymore. She asked but I couldn't answer her, I was too busy, painting. I had an art exhibition in a couple of days so I was painting. All the time I painted. I wanted to throw away the paintings of the Windmill but I didn't had the courage.

Joe called me like two times, and all we talked about was art. I invited him to my art exhibition and he accepted. He was like a brother to me, and no matter if he had an asshole as his brother, that won't change my affection towards Joe. When we talked over the cell phone we didn't mentioned the name Billy. Joe probably knew that we broke up, I mean, that he dumped me, so he didn't said anything that had to do with his brother.

My paintings were about disillusion. I painted Billy's eyes and a lot of hands. My paintings were now creepy but artistic. I didn't understand it, but that was how I was feeling, I was feeling chaotic. I was recovering my spirits and by the night of the art exhibition I looked like a tough bitch. In the mirror, I tried to practice my fake smile and tried to forget about Billy. I wore a hot sexy green cocktail dress and high heels. My hair was down and my make up was smoky. I wanted to feel pretty, and not used. I was searching for the right purse to use when I saw the bag that Billy gave me and I took my purse out of it. I tossed the bag to my bed and then, through the mirror, I stared at the birthday bag and flashed back at the moment Billy gave it to me. I saw the card, and decided to see if that bastard had written something for me.

"I'm wasting my time. Of course he wrote absolutely nothing, nothing," I uttered to myself.

I opened the envelope that came with the bag and I took out the card. I opened it and to my surprise, Billy wrote: "I knew there was somebody somewhere that made love in the dark. Now I know my dream will live on, I've been waiting so long. Nothing's gonna tear us apart".

I gasped. Those were the lyrics of my favorite song, "At the beginning".

"That stupid bastard, he's so evil. Why the heck he wrote this, knowing that he was going to dump me?" I snarled but ended sobbing, "It's such a stupid childish song."

I wiped my tears and called a taxi to go to the art gallery. I arranged with Aubrey and Joe that I will met them in the gallery, so I just needed to go there. In fifteen minutes I was there. The taxi left me in front of the gallery. I went inside and founded Joe gazing with lust at the women who were there.

"Hey, piece of tart, thanks for coming!" I greeted Joe with a hug.

Paul was my piece of pie while Joe was my piece of tart. Both hated their nicknames, but I just love it!

"Why do you have to call me that? –Holy shit, Emma! You look fucking hot!" he exclaimed as I punched him in the shoulder.

"Thanks, it's good to know that I don't look trashy for my art exhibition."

"Haha, very funny. No seriously, if Bill-... " he stopped and I looked down at my hands.

"So show me your paintings!" he tried to change the subject, which it worked.

We walked to a corner and there were the abstract weird paintings about Billy's eyes and hands.

"Wow! Geez, you are good doing this shit!" he complimented me looking at the paintings in awe.

"Thank you! My piece of tart!" I teased.

"Hey! Those eyes... they are familiar!"

"So do you want wine or those yummy spinach-taleggio bites?" I tried to change the subject.

"I prefer beer..." he went along as he raised an eyebrow looking at the picture with Billy's eyes in the center. I am busted, he knew they were Billy's.

"Ok then, let's go to the mini bar."

We went and Joe leered at any cute girl that passed by our side. He was acting a little bit weird since the trial. When we talked over the phone he sounded strange and never talked about the trial, he only asked me things about paintings. I think he wants to know more about art, or maybe he wants to paint.

"So, Joe, you never told me what happened in court," I asked and as soon as I made the question he stared at the beer on his hand, in a deep thought.

"It was nothing... Just that some fucker accused me for stucking some dude on a gas station," he answered as he shrugged like it was not a serious matter.

"What?! Oh my God! Joe, this is serious!"

"Nah, the fucker didn't testified. I was sent off, they didn't had proves."

"Oh... Wow, I'm sorry, Joe. How could they judge you!? Bastards!"

"Don't worry, I'm fine," he shrugged, never looking at me in the eye.

"I saw in the newspaper, that some kid died on a gas station. It was a robbery, poor family."

Joe's eye shone brightly as I said that, they were watery and distanced.

"Joey, are you ok?" I asked, and as I gave him a hug, "Don't worry, tart, be strong. I'm here for you," I whispered in his ear.

He was like my brother and it was not fair that he was judged like that. How could he'd been arrested because the way he looked and acted? He froze at my warm hug as I patted his back.

"Emma! Shit, I'm older than you!" he growled breaking the hug and looking around with an embarrassed look.

I smiled at him, I knew that he needed that hug and that sisterly affection.

"You may be older than me for a couple of months but I'm much smarter than you," I joked as he showed me the finger.

"Hey... Emma this place is so.... snobby," said Aubrey while she greeted us.

"Yeah, it's so disgusting!" I joked.

"Yeah, its like fucking gross," Joe added.

The night went on and all my paintings were sold. I wasn't that happy but I was glad to be more popular in the gallery. A lot of people congratulated me, and wanted to meet me. Even Arthur came by. I called him one day but only to chat, I didn't wanted to give him wrong signals or anything, he was just a friend.

At the end of the art exhibition Joe and Aubrey invited me to the Four Roses, to celebrate my success. If it was a couple of days ago, I would say no, because of Billy. But that night I didn't care that much. I was acquitted from everything, so I accepted.

We got a cab and got to the bar in a matter of minutes. Joe assured us that the gang will not come tonight and invited us to their spot, but I refused to. I didn't wanted to be there. So we sat on a table near the back. We ordered beers and I accepted to drink just a little.

"Cheers, to the best fucking painter!" shouted Joe as we all raised our glasses.

"Thank you, guys, it means a lot to me," I thanked them.

"No problem, honey! We are here for you!" said Aubrey.

"How much did you made?" asked Joe.

"You won't believe it! I earned $1,988!!! And it's only my second exhibition!" I exclaimed excited.

We chatted about things and life. Joe went to the bartender to get more beers and Aubrey and I made fun of his petite figure. I love Joe, he's so cute and makes me want to squeeze his cheeks. Just when I was starting to have fun, the worst happened. Joe was going to our table with our beers when Billy and the gang entered the bar. When I saw Billy, my reaction was the one I didn't wanted to have. I felt a ticklish rush running through my body that made me shudder. My hands began to sweat, and my heart started to race promptly. Great! Just when I was getting over him, I feel what a pathetic girl that's in love feels.

"Joe, you little fucker! Where the fuck have you been?" asked Billy and at the same time he placed his arm around Joe, he was smiling.

"Of course, he's smiling, he got what he wanted", I thought in mind trying to ignore him.

"I was with Emma," said Joe pointing with the beer our table.

"Hey! Guys! Heco, baby!" greeted a joyful Aubrey while Heco went to her and kissed her.

Billy looked at our table and saw me, I am sure of that. I was fucking hot, or at least that was what Joe said. I took a quick glance at him and then made a greeting gesture with my head to the boys. Billy continued his way to the back of the bar, while the others followed him.

"Aren't you coming, Emma?" asked Joe with a smirk.

I think he planned all this. I didn't wanted to but when Joe asked me, Billy stopped and stared at me with hostile eyes, it scared me a bit, I have to admit.

"Of course, why not?" I took the dare while I looked at Billy with a smirk on my face.

I entered and the room was the same since the last time I had been there. The only thing that changed was where I was sitting. Aubrey abandoned me again, but thankfully Joe always was with me so I felt comfortable. I sat next to Joe and just in front of Billy. I felt his eyes over me, and his intense gaze. I ignored him all I could. The guys tried to pretend that it was all normal, and that nothing happened, everyone except Billy. He kept staring at me with his freaking blue rimed eyes that were so bright and beautiful, and all he did was smoke. He inhaled and exhaled the nicotine from his stupid cigarette, he looked so hot. But I managed my way to ignore him. Thankfully Joe told the guys that my art exhibition was a success and complimented my talent. Some of the guys congratulated me.

"Yeah, but those eyes were so familiar, Emma. I mean, did you used inspiration from someone?" asked me Joe.

He was doing something, I don't know but I didn't like the game he was playing.

"Yeah, I did! Those detestable eyes are the disillusion of life," I responded calmly.

"Detestable? Oh, like fucking gross? Ah, but they were good-looking BLUE eyes, Emma."

"It depends at the point of view of the person," I responded while I tried to change the subject, "Where's Dog? I haven't seen him in a while."

"He's on vacations, he went to visit his uncle Adolf," responded Billy with his deep voice.

I swear that the sound of his voice made me melt. But I kept my posture and tried to appear as unaffected as possible. Awkward silence contaminated the room. Joe lighted a cigarette and I just stared at my beer, but couldn't drink it. And as always Billy's eyes were shooting me bullets of intimidation all the time.

"Baggy where's your sister?" Billy asked to Baggy who was with some hooker.

Baggy made some gesture to a blonde waiter and she came. Billy grabbed her by the waist and sat her on his lap. I couldn't gasp nor yell to Billy, because he wasn't my boyfriend anymore. He was free to do what he wanted and so was I. I tried not to watch and ignored as possible the urge in me to get that whore off of him. I just swallowed my beer and started to chat with Joe, not looking at Billy.
Billy, then, kissed her and touched her. I don't know how, but I controlled my heart and emotions and ignored them. Joe looked at them and back at me, he had an offended expression in his face. But I gestured him that I was fine and continued to chat. I could feel Billy's eyes on me, all the time. I think that gave me strength to pay no attention to him. He then stopped the kiss and looked at me while the girl kissed his neck. I stared at him feeling no emotion, because I knew he didn't loved me. Even though I knew I loved him, I just wanted him to be happy and if with that girl he was going to be happy then I will try to feel bliss, temporally bliss. He gazed at me with angry eyes, they were fuming and bright. The only thing that I could do was smile to him, because I knew he was doing better without me.

"What the fuck, Billy? Get that whore off you!" yelled Joe heatedly.

"Why?" asked Billy while he tilted his head to face Joe.

"How could you do this to her? I thought Emma was keeper! Joe replied altered.

"And so did I," I mumbled staring at the table.

"What? Don't tell me that you are jealous!" Billy smirked.

"More than that, disappointed," I replied.

Billy ignored me and exhaled a cloud of smoke.

"It was good to see you guys, goodnight," I said goodbye to the boys while I stood up and walked to the exit.

"You are an asshole!" Joe yelled

"Shut the fuck up, Joe!" Billy barked back at him.

I exited the room, the bar and Billy's life. I smelled the night's scent and discovered that I was sad. I think that because I was so used to it, being sad felt like normal. But when I was with Billy, he made me differentiate bliss from poignant. Just when I was going to walk not knowing my pathway, somebody called me.

"Emma! Emma! Wait up!" Joe shouted as he waved his hand.

"Joe!"

"Fuck, you are fast! Let me take you home, then!" he suggested me.

"It's ok, Joe. I'll walk from here."

"No, let me ask Heco to drive you home," Joe insisted.

"I don't want to bother-"

"Get in the car!" Billy growled as he exited the bar with his long brown leather coat.

"It's ok," I said rejecting him.

"Did you forget what fucking happened to you the last time you didn't wanted to get in the car? Now, get in the motherfucking car!" he yelled.

"I'll go with you!" Joe said while he tried to get in but Billy pulled him back.

"Stay here! And go home with the boys. I'll fucking deal with you later," illy snarled to Joe.

"Fine, I'll be waiting. Goodnight, Emma!" Joe said as he entered the bar.

I did as he said and got into the car. I wasn't expecting this and neither anything from Billy. I just sat in the passenger's sit, staring at our memories and gazing at what we had that now is lost.