Love within Ashes

Chapter 26: Pondered Elements

I slightly groaned at the painful headache that a hangover donated me. I open my eyes and found myself on Billy’s bed, and no Billy beside me. I check what I’m wearing to verify that my intoxicated state didn’t made me do some thing that wasn’t planned, and I discover that I’m wearing Billy’s t-shirt and nothing else. What the heck happened last night?

I rubbed the sleep of my dry eyes while a roar was heard from my stomach. My stomach was empty, and now I remember why. Oh, my.... Bones, the fight, the ride with Bodie, the hooker, the fight again, and then.... the vomit. Ew! I groaned at how embarrassed it must have been to puke all over this man and then to pass out. Did I.... Did we? No, I mean, he will be by my side right now, besides, I don't think vomit is really a turn on, to any human being.

I got off the bed and made my way looking around for Billy or a note, at least. Nothing found. Maybe he went to work, after all it's 6:00am. Yawning at my horrible hangover state, I walked through the living room to make it to the kitchen. I stopped at a familiar sound that only Billy could emit: snore. After looking around, I saw a peaceful topless Billy sleeping on his red dark couch. He was only wearing his jeans, like who would wear something after being puked, right? He had his arms flexed and his hands rested behind his head. He looked so diplomatic and calm. I toddled to where he was lying, and leaned to hear his snoring breathing. His goatee never looked so appealing and the scars on his facial features fulfilled the bad boy image. But Billy wasn't a bad boy, no, he was the bad boy. He could look so serene in his sleep, but if you awake him, you'll awake a monster and the most twisted thing about it was that I fell in love with the monster and the peaceful guy.

"This is your moment, Emma. It's the moment to say goodbye, and farewell. I will keep this picture of him with me, forever," I thought as I inclined towards his forehead to kiss him.

Just when I placed my lips on his temple, he suddenly awakes and grabs me from the waist, dragging me to lie on top of him.

"Let me go! Billy Darley, don't touch me!" I fought him by smacking him on the chest.

"You were the one touching me first. Correction, kissing me," he replied gazing at me with his piercing eyes as I was becoming breathless.

"I'm sorry, for.... puking-"

"Don't.. even.. fuckin' mention it," his smirk became a scowl in a matter of seconds.

"Fine. I try to freaking apologize, but-never mind. Take me home, I can't be here with you."

"You know you can die if you go to your house?" he warned me as I just gazed at his beautiful face and his masculinity that sprouted out of him.

"Don't you get tired of this, of this life?" I asked forgetting for a moment that we broke up and referring to his lifestyle.

"Yes, but we can't give up. There's no fucking way we are going to give up. It's like a chain that only death can tear apart," he answered with wise words for the first time since I've known him. In those minutes we forgot we were mad at each other, that we were separated and that we hated each other, we just sank in each other's beating hearts.

Suddenly the memory of Billy's treatment towards me stroked me and made me go mad. I couldn't be with him anymore, or we will end up killing each other.

"Take me home," I insisted breaking the beautiful and amorous silent.

"Emma?" he uttered in the deepest tone of voice that my ears had heard.

"Yes?" I obtusely asked hypnotized by his skin, his presence and his voice.

"Shut the fuck up", he murmured while I nodded and placed my head on his chest, hearing his beautiful heartbeat.

He started to petting my back and to caress my cheeks as I was falling into a delightful sleep, that only prince charming could awake me from. And there's no prince charming nearby, only my Billy Darley. And the weird thing is: I don't want prince charming I want Billy.

He started to comb and run his fingers through my hair and that was my weakness.
It was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. Did he slept on the couch because he wanted to give me space or to avoid temptation? I know that he could take advantage of me in my drunk state, but he didn't. What are you Billy Darley? What are you doing to me? I'm not the Emma I used to be. And all that I have done that I have meant it you make me regret it. And all that once I loved now I hate it. Things that I found horrible and unreasonable now you have given a reasonable explanation that changes my perspective. You have changed my life, in a permanent way, Billy.

"Get up!" he barked in my ear.

"Huh?" I moaned at the pain on my lower back. I sat down the couch and saw Billy standing in front of me, all dressed and with the Darley poker face.

"Get dressed. We're out of here in five minutes," he tossed me my only clothes that somehow were cleaned.

"Where are we going?" I was wondering if he was going to take me to the Office or to a corner.

"You said you wanted to go home. Now get fucking dressed."

"Oh," I forgot, we are not together anymore.

I put on my clothes and ordered Billy's, placing it on top of his bed. While I was leaving his room and house, I took a last glance saying goodbye to his house, to his personal space, to him.

"Bodie!" I exclaimed in joy running to hug Bodie who was waiting for us on the house's sidewalk.

"How you doin', Emma?" he asked at me with a smile.

"Oh, I'm good! I'll tell you all about it later, ok?" I whispered to him while I gave him a wink.

"What the fuck you pussy girls are doing there? Chatting? Get in the fucking car," Billy barked at us glaring at Bodie and me.

"Bodie, remember, you can pass by my house any day! You are more than welcomed!" I expressed my friendship to Bodie as Billy walked to where we were.

"Bodie, what the fuck are you doing there? Get to your fucking corner," he snarled and Bodie got to his car and drove away.

"Geez, Billy, I was just saying goodbye," I complained at his ill mood.

He ignored me and got in the car while I did the same. He drove me to my house and on the way, we were silent, but this time was awkward and hurt silence.

"Thanks for the ride," I coldly said without looking at him, slamming my door as I walked towards my front door and heard the mustang's tires screech behind me.

I entered my apartment and it was like somebody lived in there, someone that was not me. Yes, Emma Collins lived there, not me, this Emma. I chuckled at the thought of being called Emma Darley.

I had a lot of mails from Mrs. Torrance firing me and saying that I wasn't an exclusive painter in her gallery, anymore. Great, just my luck. I went to the fridge and saw a couple of beers and grabbed one. I took my ice cream too and I lied on my couch, becoming the lively example of a couch potato. Turned my TV and permitted the weeks go by without taking advantage of them.

Three weeks has passed and I was becoming fatter and lazier. Stupid Billy! Yes, I know, three weeks and I haven't stopped thinking about Billy. But the bastard doesn't help me, you know. At 2:45 PM, I can hear the engine of his mustang outside my house. At first I used to peek to see him and there he was smoking and looking at my door. But one day I went to where he was and asked him to leave.

"Get fucking over it, Emma. I have a new chore now, and it's to keep you alive. Give thanks to your uncle, cuz thanks to him you're still breathing. Because if it was for me you would be God knows where," he answered me with a snarl.

So, that's why I have stopped looking at him through my window and started to ignore the sound of his idling engine.

Only Aubrey and Joe are the ones that come and visit me, Bodie never showed up and that disappointed me a little. But to see Aubrey and Joe kinda together made me happy. They swore that they weren't dating nor they will ever will, because they are just "friends". Yeah, friends with benefits. Anyways, their visit always lifted up my spirits but I didn't got out of my house that much. Only for groceries and every single time I always saw Tommy or Jamie or Spink following me. I wanted to say hello but they just hid from me. Dang it, my life was from worst to shit.

Nevertheless, I'm going to go grocery shopping, maybe some new books, chocolates and an Icee would make feel just freaking blazing. So, according to my short plans for today, I took my jacket, my keys and my pepper spray and went to the Mini Market. It brought me memories of the first time I saw Billy and the gang.

Gosh! I try to look away from what Billy did, making heartache my friend. He walked away from me and I did the same. For a moment he made me feel like our love was not real, that I was the only one who loved between the two of us. We both threw it all away. That's why I don't want to wait for him, I don't want to wake up thinking and hoping that he will get it right this time, because he's so damn cold. But, I can't get away from him, it's one of the reasons why I just can't get him out of my mind. And all I keep seeing is his picture, and I don't want to see no more. No, no more.

I walked to my apartment, at the end of my "shopping" and when I was getting near my door , I heard it. Freaking dang it! That engine, he's near. Get out of my head, Billy Darley! In my desperation to forget him , I didn't saw the man leaning besides my door.

"Hey, hot thang!" uttered the man, who's head was inclined.

"Who are you?" I asked trying to have a peek of his face.

Then, he takes a standing posture and reveals his face. When I saw his face, I immediately dropped all of the plastic bags and jumped to him.

"Paul! Pauly! My piece of pie!" I screamed in gladness while I hugged him so tight that he was choking for air.

"Damn it, I didn't knew that a pig could be an assassin," he joked as I grabbed his hands in delight of his presence.

I didn't even recognized him. He had a different cut making his curls manlier and mature. His smile was the same, enchanting and bright. But something in his eyes was different, it was like those eyes weren't my Paul's eyes, they were a man's eyes now. He was bit taller than what he used to be and his skin was tanner, after hanging in the beach. He was more fit, and his muscles were bigger, he has definitely become a man.

"What are you doing here, Pauly? AH! I'm so glad you are here! I freaking love and you know that? Pie!"

"Pig, cut it out. Bob sent me, he told me that you wanted me here if I didn't got back to college."

"You didn't went to college?"

"No, Emma. College isn't for us. Now, feed me, I'm fucking starving."

"Gimme another hug, you piece of pie!"

"This is embarrassing, pig. Now, wow, you look older and ..."

"Say it!"

"You are my sis, so for that I'll compliment you admitting that you look hot!"

"Aw! Thank you, swine! You look handsome, Paul! You are not my baby, anymore!"

"Did I mentioned that this is embarrassing?"

"Yes! Now gimme a hug!"

He came closer and squeezed me while I jumped joyfully at his visit. When we finished our hug, he took a steps backwards to lift his luggage up, and I walked to the door to unlock it when suddenly, a loud and painful thud was heard. I turned to see and to my horrible surprise I see Paul lying on the floor coughing blood.

"What is your fucking problem, Billy!?" I yelled at him when I saw him standing next to Paul.

"You are the one who obviously has a fucking problem. You are dating lil kids, now? How low have you fucking descended," he nagged in an offended expression and tone.

"Leave me alone! Who the fuck you think you are?" I barked at him while I was faintly punching his chest. Great, now he was going to punch every man in my family. What a way of winning them over, Billy!

As I tried to harm physically Billy with no success, he was trying to grasp my swinging arms. And unexpectedly, a laughter was heard. I stopped and both, Billy and I, looked down at the laughing bloody Paul.

"Ha ha ha! I like him, Emma. He sure knows how to protect what's his," Paul said while he stood up and spat the blood. Paul looked like he wasn't even attacked, he took his normal posture and walked towards Billy. Maybe those fights in Florida made him tougher. Heck, that wasn't even the lil brother that stood behind me when we were in the alley the night we met Billy's gang.

"I'm Paul. Emma's brother. And, yeah, it's ok, I forgive you. It was only a slight punch," Paul grinned at frowning Billy.

"A slight punch, Paul?! Are you ok?" I tried to check his jaw but he clenched it proving that he was fine.

"How old are you?" Billy coldly asked while he cocked his head.

"19 in a couple of weeks. Why?" Paul answered coolly.

"Get inside, Paul. I'll talk with Billy here."

"Yeah, but don't have too much fun," Paul scorned at me while he gave Billy a short nod.

Billy responded Paul's nod with a another sharp nod. They were having a quick bond and I was not liking it.

"I want you out of my life! Billy! That means no more creepy staring at my house at 3 o clock, no more sending one of your men to baby-sit me, and no more punching every single relative I have! " I growled at him.

"You are in no conditions to tell me what to do. Instead of fucking bitching you should be thanking me for fucking fighting every Cutty in the damn town!"

"Oh, yes, my freaking savior!" I sarcastically said.

"At least you could get over me and make a life."

"Oh, and I'm the one who's asking if I was dating kids."

"See you around," he smirked and walked to his car while I ran to my apartment slamming the door.

"What the fuck did you do to Bob's apartment, pig?!" Paul asked me while he looked around at the womanly home.

"I cleaned it just a bit," I shrugged at his reaction and then ordered, "Paul, sit down, I have to talk to ya."

"Tell me that my room is still sterile!"

"You can do whatever you want with it. Now, sit."

"Ok, fine with me," he raised his hands and sat on the couch.

"Look, I don't want you near him, ok? And if you are living in here, you have to follow my rules. First: No hookers. Second: No sneaking out. Third: No smoking inside the house. Fourth: NO hookers. Fifth: NO Drugs! Got it?"

"Better than Peter's sake. But.. I thought you were with him."

"I was."

"He must be crazy for ya, to be punching me like that."

"In no time I'll get you a job. I barley can sell a couple of my paintings, so you need to pay bills."

"OK."

"Did it hurt? Did his punch hurt?"

"At first, like hell. He had fucking rings. But I manage to press down the pain. That's how I made it in Florida."

"Speaking of Florida... What the heck is Bob doing?"

"He's baking, Emma."

"And selling cupcakes.. yeah. He's on shit, right? Don't dare to lie to me, swine!"

"Yes, I was the beating man," he said explicitly as my suspicions were confirmed.

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah, it's not a bakery, it's a drug house. He doesn't use, he sells. And now, that you had a boyfriend in the same career, you can't try to act all Miss Perfect."

"I wasn't-"

"Yah, yah, yah. Face it, Emma. We were born to be in this shit."

"I saw Edward a couple of weeks ago."

"What?! What did that bastard said?"

"That mom was killed and that she didnt-"

"Fuck! He's crazy shit! Emma! You know that! That fucker wouldn't be able to recognize the mother who gave birth and her tit to him."

"Pauly, he's our father."

"NO, Emma! He's not our father. Get that! Our father died when Edward appeared in our lives."

With that, Paul had proven me that he was a man now, not a kid who pretended to be strong. Now he was strong. I was glad to have him with me, but, I just hope that he helps me. And also, I didn't liked how he wasn't afraid of Billy, because that will make Billy interested in him. I don't know. Billy likes people who are brave and what Paul did was brave and smart. Paul didn't fought him and just laughed. I just hope that I can bury my dangerous life that I had with Billy and now that Paul is by my side, together we can make a new future. But it was sad to see so much hate and hatred in his eyes.

"Ok, Paul. Tell me, are you on drugs?" I used that moment to open to him since we didn't hide any secrets until now.

"No, Emma! If somebody owed Bob's boss money I would beat the shit out of that person. That's it."

"Have you killed?"

"Why the question, Emma?"

"Have you?!"

"Yes, Emma. I couldn't stop hitting him and when I stopped he wasn't breathing," he shrugged it off.

I stood up and placed my hands on my hips, "Do you feel like a man , now?"

"Oh, fuck it, Emma! I know how much you like 'real' man, now. Eh, I know all about that Billy guy. Bob told me everything before I left," then he stood up and walked closer to me hastily and continued, "Do you think I had fun killing that man? Shit, that man probably had children a wife, who knows? But the only thing that soothed me was to hope that that man was like an Edward. So I just made a fucking favor to that family."

"How could you say that?"

"He loved drugs more than he loved his family, Emma! If it wasn't like that, he would have quitted. Stop being so naive, Emma. For Peter's sake! I thought that you will be more tougher now, since you and that gang lord were together. That's why I told you everything! But, no, you have to nag me and point your holy finger to me."

"I saw how people died, and I don't want that for you, Paul."

"Too late, I guess. I've seen people die, too. I'll respect a couple of your rules, but I don't promise anything."

"Are you going to hang out with them?"

"Bob told me that that was the best thing for me to do. I'll be kissing his ass since you broke up with him."

"Paul-"

"No, Emma! You don't understand. It's like I fucking click with this life. I chose my path, and you chose yours. We entered when we were kids, and now there's no going back. I won't fucking be a doctor or a stupid lawyer. For what? To be another Edward? Hell, no!"

"Paul-"

"No, Emma! I don't care if you nag me all the time, but I won't sneak out. Now, I'm a man, and I'm going to tell you what I will do, I don't want to hide anything from you."

"Ok, Paul-"

"Whatever. Even if I screw- Aren't you gonna yell at me?"

"No, you are a man, you are not a kid anymore. If you want to be with them, be with them. I know they are good people but I just want a better future for you. That's all. And you are right, we were born to be in this shit."

"You should get back with Billy. He was even jealous."

"He was, right?" I laughed at Billy's offended face when he nagged me.

" 'You are dating kids, now?' ", Paul mimicked him as I cackled at his jokes.

"He even hit Edward a couple of weeks ago."

"He did? Shit, I love that Billy. You better get back with him before I steal him from you, bitch!" Paul smacked me in the head with a gay gesture. He always used to act gayish and crazy, I missed those times.

"Haha! We'll see. We'll see."

Maybe I should ask Billy to forgive me, forgetting what he did. Maybe I should forgive myself and him first. I do. I forgive him... and I forgive myself, I forgive whatever he did, I forgive him. I choose to be healthy and I grip my sanity, for my good and his, as well. I forgive you, Billy Darley, but would you be able to forgive me? I forgive him and heal myself but I won't afford to get hurt again, so I forgive and let him go.

I release you, Billy. I died the day you disappeared, so why you would be welcomed here? So, Billy, ride the wind that brought you, back away. Because, you can't come in, no you can't come inside my broken heart, no, no more. If the sea should swallow up my house, I will turn the rooftop inside out, and the wind will be wailing but I will be sailing faster. Oh, the elements I do not fear, but I fall apart when you appear, cause you, Billy Darley, you are the greatest disaster of my life.