Love within Ashes

I'm going to regret this, but I'll give him a piece of my mind. Maybe this is for my own sanity or maybe this will prove that I lack sanity. I don't know, but now that I'm thinking of it, I know that I freaking need guts and that I'm nuts! But I'm gonna do it. I'm sorry, but I have to. Don't know why, really, but I have to. I have this desperate and cynical need of seeing the worst of Billy, and after what I would say, he won't disappoint me. I'm a freaking crazy bitch! I'm too crazy for doing this, but I'll do it. Everyone was in silent, I could hear their breathing, and some gasps. I could feel the feared and amused stares of them all. But I don't care! And... here I go.

"Did I stutter? I became a bitch the moment I knew that you shit on your pants when Bones is around. Who would of thought that you are stupid frightened punk around such an obese hippo!" I spat at Billy's face, scary face.

Billy's eyes widened becoming night black, his fist clenched on the table, his teeth gritted, his jaw compressed, his nostrils flared, his eyebrows united in the creepiest way ever, and his neck twitched several times.

"Say it, one more time. SAY IT!" he barked trying to maintain his cool posture.

I hesitated and decided not to look at the boys' faces. But if that what he wants, I'll give it to him.

"I became a bit-,"

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Billy's loud bark interrupted me, making me flinch as he clouted the table with his ferocious fists, making every glass of beer fall, spilling the beer all over the table. The guys cringed at Billy’s reaction, some of them had ‘scared’ written all over their faces, but they were waiting for Billy’s clear order.

“Yo, Billy, calm down, dawg,” Bodie tried to protect me from the hell of a punishment that Billy was going to give me.

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, BODIE! AND GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! ALL OF YOU! GET THE FUCK OUT!” Billy yelled making the guys run grabbing their coats and the hookers too.

I was going to run as well, since he said “all of you”, and I think that there’s no exception with me, I hope. Just when I stood up to run, he manhandled my arm, harming me and making me cry in pain.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going? Nobody offends me in front of my crew!” he snarled to me in the scariest way ever, while I startled, I swallowed and tried to suppress the tears from coming. I did this and now I’m going to pay. Maybe he will kill me or I don’t know.

“Sammy! Are you fucking deaf? CLOSE THE GODDAMN BAR AND GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! MOVE YOUR ASSES!” Billy continued to yell at the running people and the screaming hoes that were trying to exit the Four Roses. To accelerate the exodus, Billy kicked a chair that was near him across the door, thankfully, the people were able to dodge it and they scurried themselves between the door, jostling to the way outside.

Sammy nodded in a petrified way as he jumped over the bar and ran outside closing the door. Before Sammy left, I saw Paul looking at me, terrified and mad, I could tell. If Billy wasn’t going to kill me, Paul will.

“Billy, you’re hurting me. Let go of me,” I cried in pain trying to be spare.

“Oh, it hurts? Ah, my bad,” he said in a cynical and sadistic way while he released me.

As I rubbed my arm, I stared at him with fear, fear of him, for the first time in my life I feared Billy. He took a steps forward hastily and shoved me against the wall, making a rusty stop sign fall.

“Now, you are going to listen to me, and you‘re gonna listen well. It will be the first and the fucking last time you humiliate me like this. You don’t know shit about Bones or about me,” he growled spitting on my face.

"Let me go!" I shouted hitting him on the chest, but he didn't even flinched nor moved.

He then shook me grabbing my shoulders and manhandling me against the wall multiple times. I started to cry, I couldn’t stop, I couldn’t resist and the tears fell like the freaking Niagara Falls. I don’t know why I was crying, I mean, I did this, I provoked him and I deserved this. But I wasn’t giving up, oh, no.

“What I said it was true! You are not capable of telling the woman who you love how you feel. And that makes you a coward,” I uttered in a icy way, expecting him to punch me.

He evilly frowned and compressed every facial muscle, punching a part of the wall that was just a few inches away from me, making a hole, causing me to flinch and gasp.

He took a few steps backwards, rubbing the back of his neck and breathing heavily. Then, he started to throw some of the beer against the wall, in fury, he lifted up a table and threw it away. I was covering my mouth, trying to not scream or yelp, trying to keep my posture, to not show any fear.

“And what makes you think that I love you? Eh?” he coldly asked after sniffing his nose with the back of his hand.

He was glaring at me while his dark eyes went back to his icy blue eyes. I could see that he was in some unusual way, calming down.

“What makes me think the opposite?” I replied taking a few steps towards him.

“Stop with the fucking Miss Perfect and Miss Know-it-All act.”

"Billy-,"

"The fuck you think you are?" he started to mumble and to pace side to side.

“Why can’t you just say it? Is it that hard? Well, for me it isn’t, in case you didn’t notice.”

“I won’t tell you what you want to hear,” he snarled cornering me back again in the wall.

“What I want to hear is what you feel, Billy. Say it. If you hate me, say it now. If you just used me, or it was something temporally, I don’t know, I don’t care. But just say it.”

"I hate you!" he snarled growling and scowling.

I stood there, shocked, startled, I felt a heartrending sensation when I heard his confession. I tried to capture his reaction, this would be something that I would never forget. I didn't blink and I could feel a tear falling down my cheek, I wiped it angrily and tried to suppress the other ones from falling.

He elevated his chin, glowering at me and breathing promptly. He leaned forward, positioning his arms against the wall, trapping me and leaving our faces inches away. I could hear his breathing and I could feel the compunction in his eyes, I just gazed at him, trying to figure out what just happened.

"Well, Billy-," I tried to say without cracking my voice.

"Shut up! I'm not fuckin' done!" he shouted making me flinch again.

"You know why I fuckin' hate you? Ah?" he continued to growl.

I tried to shake my head a no but I couldn't move any muscle of my body.

"I hate you because you have this stupid control over me! You turned me into this weak stupid fucker! Since the first time I saw you, you took control over my mind. The first fucking time I spoke to you, you took control over my fuckin soul. The first time you faced up to me, you took control over my emotions. The first time you kissed me, you took control over my body," he paused trying to recover air, and then continued, "And I fucking hate when somebody that's not me is in control."

What was he saying? I mean, I was so confused. My heart started to race and I wanted to know what the hell he was saying.

"Billy, wha-," I tried to ask but in that moment he dominated me.

"I said that I'm not fucking done! If you utter another word, I swear that-," he reclined his head, pressing his lips while he sniffed in anger.

I closed my mouth, biting my lips, controlling the urge of yelling to him and demanding a more clear explanation. His eyes lowered down my lips and I could sense that he missed me. He leaned more closer as I bit my lips harder, almost causing them to broke and bleed. Then, he grabbed my chin lifting it up, forcing me to look at him in the eyes. He hesitated but lastly he gave in, colliding his zealous, avid and hungry lips into mine. I was going to surrender, I was going to leave me at his fancy, at whatever he would do, so I replied his lips with the same ardent conduct. Subsequently, he broke the fiery kiss and grasped my shoulders, ordering me to stop and to pay attention to him.

"I'm going to say this only one time," he sniffed, and then continued with his icy rimed eyes in fire while I was awaiting, "So, listen carefully. I love you. I don't care for anything else. I just can't get you out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my body."

"Oh, Billy-," I tried to tell him that I love him too, but I have said it enough so he crashed his lips on top of mine.

Our tongues saluted as they playfully swayed at the arousing dance they only knew how to dance. Billy's arms crept around my body, seducing me to get closer to him and pressing his torso against mine, as I placed my arms around his neck. The kiss grew deeper as his arms moved restively on my hips, and as mine traveled to his back. Billy's goatee elated my senses as a moan slipped through my lips when he started to 'French' my neck, nibbling and sucking it. I tugged my head back, giving him more access and allowing his enticing touch give me shivers all over my spine. As he pushed me against the wall, I could feel his warm hand slid through my thigh, lifting it up and placing it around his waist. I located my other leg around him as I tried to rip his shirt off while he was kissing and sucking my neckline. I groaned at my failing attempt and then I felt him smiling against my skin.

"Need help?" his gruff voice uttered while I nodded impatiently.

He started to pull his shirt off as I tried to unzip my dress, unfortunately, the zipper was in the back of the dress and I couldn't unzip it that much. When he finished undressing, he pulled me back to him kissing my neckline and unzipping my dress, exposing my back as he grabbed my waist positioning my legs around him again. He took me to the pool table, sitting me on the edge. He grasped my thighs and started to kiss them while he yanked my heels off. I used the time to push him with my feet, firmly in the chest as I stood up on the pool table and started to take my dress off in a slowly and flirtatious way while a pathetic and lustful grin appeared on his face. He couldn't stand it anymore as he crawled on top of the pool table and dragged me to him making me lie on top of him. Our petting and strokes were more intense, since the last time we were together. His treatment had changed, he treated me more delicate in some way but aggressively at the same time. We rolled and twisted, kissing, making out, becoming one, uniting once again, merging on top of that pool table. How much I have missed this bamboozler! And how much did this idiot have missed me!

"So, this means that we are back together?" I asked while I caressed his chest.

"What do you think?" he smirked as he gently fondled my lips and cheeks.

"This means no more whores around, Billy Darley!" I slightly smacked his chest while he chuckled.

"And this means no more bitching," he chortled while I grinned at him.

"I think we should clean the bar. Poor Sammy, if he sees this place."

"Babe, I own the bar."

"And? C'mon, with more reason we should clean this up. Look at this, this is a mess!"

"Do whatever you want, Emma," he groaned while I sat up glaring at him.

"Aren't you gonna help me?"

"No."

"Ah, let me guess, because it's a women's chore?"

"I'm so fucking lucky to have such a wit woman like you, babe," he jested as he sat down and pulled me to him, biting my lips in a delicate way.

"Billy Darley! I'm really flattered but you are going to clean with me. Please?!" I slightly pushed him back.

He groaned while he got out off the table and pulled his pants up. I did the same without the groaning as I dressed in with Billy's shirt. He lighted a cigarette and sat on a bar stool while I went to the back of the bar to get the cleaning tools. He grabbed a newspaper and started to read it while I began to sweep the shattered glasses.

"Listen to this: 'The gang wars are arising, due to their increment of activities and initiations. A lot of bodies have been found early this week near the woods in the north of Boston. Their names are:' ... Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? Ah, here we go. 'Albert Pennson was found dead near the Oakton river. His face was disfigured and his corpse shows extremely cuts and bruises. He was beaten to death and thrown over the river. Pennson was arrested in multiple times for drug charges and he was known to be involved with local gangs.’ That was Paul’s man, babe,” Billy related the article with his cigarette entangled in his lips.

I stood there with broom in hands, and stared at Billy who was in a good mood, I guess.

“Was he one of the Cutties?” I asked.

I feel bad that my brother had to kill a person, but at least Billy took a more respectful posture by killing a monster and not a random person. Although it wasn't for self-defense, Billy showed that even when we were separated he still protected me by killing each one of the Cutty Macks.

“Yep. If they wanted another leader, Albert boy was their man. Talking about them damn Cutties, if you see that Ethan prick again, let me know, babe.”

“Why? He seemed nice.”

“Nice, my ass. He was Norman’s brother. Although the kid never got himself into his brother’s business, you never know. Stupid asshole, he went to play as a half-wit frat boy and now he's back.”

“Ok... Baby?” I tried to catch his attention.

“Yes?” he gazed at me.

“Thank you,” I sincerely said.

“Anything for my babe,” he stood up and walked towards me hugging me and kissing me on the neck.

He gave me a sweet peck on the lips and then he said: “Let’s go. I'm fucking hungry."

"But-but-," I stuttered as I looked around at the mess. The tables were upside down, the beer was all over the place and you could smell it, the glass was all over the floor and the pool table was, well, used and needed to be cleaned.

"Shit, Emma! Since when did you became a clean freak? ...Don't even answer that. Look, don't worry, they'll clean it out. Now, get dress!"

"Ok, ok, ok, ok," I mumbled while I searched for my dress.

When I picked it up, the dress's zipper was ripped apart. I chuckled, at the memory of Billy unzipped it in a rough way, while I tossed Billy his shirt. I put on the dress although my back was bare, I ignored the breeze and continued to search for my heels.

"You ready?" he asked with the cigarette on his mouth.

"Yeah. Well-," I showed him my back and he slipped a laugh.

How sweet! Now, I don't regret telling him those things. Even though, I have to apologize to him. I shouldn't have said that but I'm glad I did.

"Here you go. Now, shall we?" he uttered with his smoke on lips while he placed his trench leather brown jacket on my shoulders.

I nodded and we left the chaotic cluttered bar. Billy placed his arm around me and lead me to his car and luckily, they were nobody from the gang and no one that was in the bar outside, only the sun that shone on our skin. I told myself to not expect a corny lovely relationship with Billy, but now, I don't care what our relationship is... I just know that I'm in love. I couldn't ask for more, he told me that he loved me in his own twisted way, and that made our relationship stronger. I love him, and nothing not even death is going to tear us apart. One day, when the sky is falling, I'll be standing right next to you, Billy. Right next to you.

"I shouldn't have said that to you, Billy. I'm really sorry. I didn't-," I said in mellow voice while he was focused on the road.

"It's ok, babe. There are some things that you don't understand, and it's better to leave them that way. And don't ever mention fuckin' Bones like it was Mr. Gary, Emma. You don't know him. What you saw that day, was him being nice, ok? "

"Ok."

After a couple of minutes of reflection and silence, there was a red light and Billy stopped, fixing his eyes on me.

"I'm the one who says if we're done or not. Do you know how much.... Look, I told you that you are mine and only mine. Don't dare to do that shit on me again," he said in a firm way, referring to when I broke up with him.

"I'm sorry, Billy. But I was mad that you didn't.. you know, defended me the way that I wanted. But now, I know you did protected me, in your own way."

"I missed you," he slightly mumbled as he pressed gas.

"What?"

"I fucking missed you all these weeks and you put that dress on. Torturing me. And then having a drink with that fucker? I swear-,"

"Billy Darley, at least I didn't had sex with the guy. And stop with the threats. If I were you, I keep my mouth shut. You had every hoe in Boston in your lap and now you are throwing a jealous paroxysm fit because of one 'Hello, nice to meet you'?"

He clenched his jaw and grasped the wheel harder, that showed that I was right.

"Now, promise me something. Billy Darley, promise me that you will never cheat on me with those whores. Promise me!"

"Emma, just because I have them in my fucking lap doesn't mean I fuck them. I-"

"Promise me, Billy!"

He rolled his eyes and continued fixing his eyes on the road.

"Ok, ok, I admit it! I was jealous, Billy! I was pissed at... at... I don't even know! But when I saw those women on top of you, I swear, Billy, my blood boiled and I just wanted to shoot them! Agh! Even to think about it, drives me mad! At you, at the bitch, and at me.... because I kept thinking that I was the one to be on her position not her. Ugh! I hated when you sat on my couch with them and they were kissing you, every time Paul threw a party, I just wanted to kill them! That's why I always left the apartment! I couldn't even think straight! Now, promise me that, Billy! I promise you that I won't be near a man that is not you! I don't want anyone but you, Billy. Only you! Now, fucking look at me and fucking promise me!" I yelled with such a passion and sincerity that he stopped the car on the middle of the street and gazed at me with a smirk.

"I promise, Emma. Now, calm the fuck down," he gave me a sharp nod and a smirk curled on his lips while we locked our gazes in an affectionate way.

A couple of honks were heard and that broke our stares, bringing us back to reality.

"Fucking prick!" Billy mumbled at the car that passed next to us.

I grabbed Billy's hands and caressed it, smiling at him, smiling at my love, smiling at my happiness.

"I love you, Billy Darley," I whispered to him while he smirked and kissed my hand.

"Thanks for the ride, Billy" I smiled as I started to open my front door.

"I told you that I'm hungry," he slammed the driver's door as he walked towards me.

"You didn't bought groceries, didn't you?" I raised an eyebrow, already knowing the answer.

He shook his head a no and pulled up a smirk. I opened the door and we both entered but Billy seemed more pleased to enter not like the gang lord but as the maybe man of the house. If I could try to read his mind he would be thinking that this place was now his. Ugh! And then he says that I have control? He has this twisted hegemony over me, that elates me!

"I guess that you missed my cooking too, eh?" I teased while he sat down in the breakfast table as I put on the apron, "What will the sir would like to order?"

He grinned as I sat down on his lap and twirled his cross necklace. Then, he gave me a sweet and heated kiss, placing his hands around my butt.

"Let me guess," I narrowed my eyes as I broke the kiss, "Pancakes? With strawberries?"

"Yeah," he expressed with his deep husky voice followed by a slow nod.

"It'll be in just a minute, sir!" I chimed and started to make the pancakes while he read another newspaper.

"There you go," I placed the breakfast on the table while I placed mine too.

I was going to grab the butter that was on the fridge but Billy's hands interrupted me.
He turned me to face him and crashed his lips with mines, sneaking his hands round my body and arousing the heat.

"I thought that you were hungry," I teased him while I kissed his jaw line.

"I am. I'm hungry for you," he replied with his resonant tone sending me chills all over my spine.

I started to bite his earlobe and whispered: "I suggest that you eat that pancake before Paul comes and sees this show."

"Paul is here? No, but I sent him loaded," he stopped, frowned and looked around the place.

"Nope, his jacket is there. He was wearing that jacket last night. He must be sleeping."

"Then, let him sleep," he ignored the fact that my lil brother could see us and continued to caress his nose against my neck smelling what it was left of my perfume.

"Holy fucking shit! I though Bodie was playing! Sorry if I interrupted something's something. Do I smell pancakes?" Joe joined the room, making us split, clearing our throats.

"How did you got in here? I locked the door," I asked to Joe who sat in Billy's chair and rubbed his hands tasting already the pancakes.

"Haven't you heard about carjacking? Well, there's doorjacking as well, Emma," he answered as he grabbed the fork.

"You Darleys and your ways."

"What the fuck do you think you are doing, Joe? Get out of my chair," Billy barked at the smiling Joe who did what his brother ordered.

"It's ok, Joey. I'll prepare another plate for you. There's plenty," I smiled and went to the kitchen counter to prepare his plate.

"There you go," I placed the plate in front of him. Poor, he seemed hungry.

"Wow, thanks, Emma," he grinned looking at the plate like it was something that he only had seen a couple of times in his life.

"Who brought you?" Billy asked while he started to munch the pancake.

"Spink. He's now on his way to the Office," Joe replied with his mouth full of food.

"Joey! Don't talk with your mouth full," I ordered.

"What? Don't give me that baby shit, Emma," Joe spat back annoyed.

"Do as she says Joe!" Billy smacked Joe's head and continued eating.

"Sorry," Joe mumbled as I grinned, " So you guys are back together?"

"Yep!" I ecstatically nodded while Billy gazed grinning at me.

"Good! Cuz all these weeks, Billy was putting us through shit. We doubled our shifts and made us do shit for nothing. He was fucking a pain in the ass. All he needed was a good fuck," Joe said glaring at Billy while he slapped the back of his neck.

"What the fuck?! Stop hitting me, you asshole!" Joe whined.

"What the fuck?! Stop hitting me, you asshole," Billy imitated Joe's whine, "Fucking crying baby."

"Then, I think he wouldn't treat you guys that badly from now on," I gave Billy a naughty smile while he chuckled.

"Woo! You guys had a pleasant night, did you? Glad to see you guys back together!"

"Anyways, Joey, did you saw Aubrey? Last night, you and Aubrey disappeared."

"Yeah," he avoided my stare and continued to chew his pancake, " She's ok. She's fine."

"Are you blushing?"

"No-What-Fuck! It's hot in here. Hey, Billy, can you drop me off in the hospital?"

"I thought that you finished all the shit with those medical exams," Billy frowned.

"Yeah, man. But, this is my last analysis. I'm not gonna end in a wheelchair. There's no fucking way!"

"Morning," Paul entered to the kitchen yawning, "Good to see the entire family together."

"Morning, Pauly."

"Liking the PJ's, Mr. Licky," Joey snickered at the topless Paul who was wearing only Joe Boxers with smileys.

"Only real men wear real boxers, Joe. I don't wear pink thongs like you," Paul snapped back at Joe while Billy and I started to laugh.

"Calm down, tiger. I'll get your plate," I said trying to not laugh as I got up and prepared Paul's plate.

Paul sat next to Joe as Joe shot him a glare.

"There you go," I placed another plate in front of Paul and sat again next to Billy.

"Hmm.. Emma this is delicious!" Paul complimented my cooking while the both Darleys looked confused.

"Thank you, pie. Joey, Billy, learn from Paul. A flattering remark always brings a smile to my face," I jested while Paul sniggered.

"Oh, sorry, Emma. This is fucking yummy," Joe smiled and kept eating.

"How come you are still alive, pig?" Paul asked pointing me with his fork.

"Who the hell are you calling pig?!" Billy smacked Paul's head while Joe and I cackled.

"Sorry, man! It's a sweet nickname-" Billy's glare made Paul stop explaining, "Sorry, Emma, my dear beloved sister, the woman of my beloved brother-in-law."

"It's ok, Billy. I call him swine sometimes. And Paul, can you see me that I'm alive?"

"What?! Don't tell me that you mouthed off to Billy," Joe said sarcastically while he smiled in a rascally way.

"Didn't Bodie gossiped every scoop to you, tart?" I stuck my tongue out to Joe.

"Yeah, yeah! He told me that you spat back at Billy and he snapped at you, big time. I just regret not being there to see the show."

"Shut the fuck up, Joe! It's not any of your business, neither yours, Paul" Billy spat pointing at the two of them.

"Aren't you gonna smoke, Billy?" Paul pushed Billy while he snickered with Joe.

"Now I have to smoke when you fucking want? Now, shut up and eat, you punk!" Billy retorted.

"My bad. Joe, now we know who's in charge," Paul snickered while he prodded Joe.

"That's enough, Paul. Shut up!" I ordered.

"See?!" he laughed while Joe nodded with his mouth full of food laughing at the scowling Billy, coughing out all the gnawed pancakes.

"Ew, Joe! I told you to not talk with your mouth full of food," I groaned while I cleaned the mess.

"Sorry, but I never uttered a word, I just laughed," he replied smiling.

Paul and Billy were laughing at the disgusting scene, apparently for men this kind of sicken reaction is funny for them. I wiped the food and saw how the three men treated each other as brothers. It was so soothing and blissful to see that I could have a beautiful family. I have a wonderful family. It's not perfect but it's my new family. Now, all that I need to do is wait is for eternity to pass by, standing with Billy and having my brothers and friends by our side. We could face the whole world and our enemies. Bring it on, world, 'cause we are prepared.