Mysteries of the Universe

Have you ever sat on a bench? Have you ever sat on a bench and pondered the mysteries of the universe while your cockhead of a ‘boyfriend’ skates with his friends that he lies to on a daily basis? If your answer is no then you have absolutely no idea how I am feeling right now, which means you’re one lucky individual. Yes, I can admit – without bias – that he seems to be quite good at skating. I don’t have any interest in it myself but the awe and adoration in the other’s eyes makes me believe that he is continuously doing impressive things. The fact that I can’t even tell if he actually is good or not should surely be some sort of indication to him that I do not want to be here. That being said, I wouldn’t be able to sit on this particular bench and ponder the mysteries of the universe if he hadn’t brought me here.

His friends clap and cheer as he, once again, successfully lands a trick. I roll my eyes at the disturbance and in a true ‘diva’ moment – as he would call it - stand up and leave my bench of pondering for something far more interesting. I have only been walking for a minute or two when he notices and chases after me. I don’t stop though, not when I hear him calling my name and not when he rolls up alongside me on that damn board of his.

“Dean? Dean, come on. I didn’t mean to be there for so long. I just got distracted and you know how it is.” Clearly the glare I’m sending him is doing nothing to deter him. “Please Dean, I’m really sorry.”

“Did you know that when you look at the sun you’re looking back in time? It’s only about 8 minutes, but it’s still in the past. So while I was sitting there I turned back time. I sat and stared at it for so long that I turned time so far back that you and I don’t speak, so far back that you still look at me like I’m nothing more than that weird kid that shares the same school as you. So far back that I never fell for you and you never partially came out of that closet you so happily inhabit. So far back that I’m happy.” My words had the desired effect and he stops rolling beside me and I’m left alone once more to ponder the mysteries of the universe.

Have you ever sat on the roof of your school? Have you ever sat on the roof of your school and prayed and hoped that your secret ‘boyfriend’ would still come despite the face that you practically broke up with him yesterday? For your sake, I hope you say no. This is worse than being left on a bench for nearly two hours. I don’t even know if I did break up with him. I didn’t think I had but after copious discussion with my sister she convinced me otherwise. I suppose it all depends on how he interpreted it… No, I definitely broke up with him. There is no other way he could’ve taken my statement. Which means that he won’t come and meet me. Which means that I should leave… I think I’ll stay a little while longer.

Three hours later and he still isn’t here. I guess I did break up with him.

Have you ever sat on a bed? Have you ever sat on a bed and thought of your ex whilst another is straddling you? I know I can’t be alone with this one. Surely there is someone else in the world that has thought that fucking someone while still be heartbroken over another?

“Dean… Oh God, Dean!” He used to say that to me. Maybe I’m good at this? No matter what it doesn’t change the fact that I shouldn’t be here, that I should stop this before it goes to far, before some other drunk buffoon walks in on us. Before he’s obligated to return the favour and before I feel even more sorry for myself.

“I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”

“What the fuck dude? You can’t take a guy that close and just stop!” I shrug my shoulders. “Seriously? Fuck you!” Well, that went well.

So well that he left without his shirt. What do I do with it? Do I fold it up and pin a note on it explaining its existence? Or do I just leave it to be rendered useless in the confines of this room? I stare at the shirt for a long time contemplating its future. When it occurs to me; why do I get to decide a shirt’s future? I can’t even figure out my own life so why should I be allowed to dictate a shirt that doesn’t even belong to me?

I leave the shirt were it is figuring that it is its destiny to remain there, maybe the owner will return or maybe it will be adopted by a new one. I don’t know, and I don’t need to know because that shirt isn’t mine and never will be.

Have you ever sat on the stump of a tree? Have you ever sat on the stump of a tree and wondered if some guy’s shirt is a metaphor for your ex? If you have, I think our lives are eerily similar and that you and I might be long lost twins separated at birth. Back to the shirt, is it possible that it represents him? Does this mean that I need to let him go? That I can’t question everything regarding him as his destiny is his and shares no path with mine? I hope not, but how do I know? I don’t, all I know is that it is time to return to my home. This tree stump can’t help me any more than my bench of pondering could.

As I walk the path to my front door I notice a blue ‘blob’ resting there. When I reach the steps I see that the blob is in fact a shirt. Just an ordinary shirt that has no place on any set of stairs let alone mine. Once again, I find myself contemplating the destiny of a shirt.

Only this time, I decide that the shirt is mine and that its destiny can in fact be decided by me.

Have you ever sat on a bench? Have you ever sat on a bench waiting for your ex to stop skating so you can ponder the mysteries of the universe together? I sit and wait for longer than I should have, but this needed to be done and it needed to be done at this bench. Eventually all of his friends leave and it is just him and I present. He rolls over to me and hesitates to sit next to me but with a quick nod from me he’s resting beside me.

“I went to a party recently and had an incident with a shirt that wasn’t mine. At first, it was just a shirt. Then it was a metaphor. Now it has returned to its rightful place as ‘just a shirt’. Then I had another incident with another shirt and was distressed as I had just overcome my first shirt related problem. I realise now that the shirts probably weren’t even real, just figments of my imagination to represent the only issue in my life. You.

You meant so much to me, then you dragged me here and left me to ponder the universe alone on an uncomfortable bench. I pondered so much, that I convinced myself that I didn’t need you and that I wanted you to feel worse than I did after being left alone on a bench for almost two hours. Then the shirts happened and it occurred to me that I need you in my life or else I question my right to dictate the life of a shirt. I’m so sorry about what I said that day Cade and, if it means anything I really wish I could look at the sun and stop myself from saying what I did.”

I stood up to leave but he stopped me.

“Don’t apologise Dean, I deserved it, all of it. Now, sit back down. I believe you and I have the universe’s mysteries to ponder.”

Have you ever sat on the concrete ground? Have you ever sat on the concrete ground as your boyfriend introduced you to all his skating friends? I have, and I can honestly say that I would rather be sitting on a bench with him contemplating the mysteries of the universe.