If I Love You, Why Do I Keep Getting Hurt?

Gerard’s P.O.V

Every part of me hurts, and I can’t see anything. I don’t know what’s going on or how I got here but I remember before that. The crash. My mum’s body being thrown forward in a sea of glass and Frankie screaming my name. I couldn’t feel my legs. Now I can though, and I’m in so much pain. But it’s not time to think about myself, I should find my mum and my Frankie. I can here a sort of rustling noise and something high pitched, almost like a scream, but a more mechanic wailing one. If I’m going to find my mum and Frankie I should probably stand up, but try opening my eyes first? Yeah that’s a good idea.

I can’t open my eyes. It feels like they’re open but I can’t see and the air isn’t hitting them, creating that usually annoying feeling, but now I wish it would come, just to prove I’m still alive. Wait, am I still alive though? I can’t see where I am, and that’s not a good thing. I was always taught good people go to heaven when they die, but heaven’s a nice place, so I don’t think this painful place is heaven. Perhaps hell? I always thought I’d go to hell, all the things they told me I had to do to go to heaven I haven’t done, and sometimes I’ve done the complete opposite. But what I was taught about hell was fire and demons and stuff, but this is dark and lonely and painful, with a wailing siren… WAIT a siren.

That’s something you get when you’re alive right? But that noise has stopped now, it got louder and then it just stopped. I can here tapping somewhere nearby. Is there a waiting place to get into heaven or hell? I think I might be there actually, just waiting for my fate. So if I’m dead that’ll suck. I never got to say goodbye to Frankie, or my mum and dad or Mikey. But when I saw mum before everything went black she didn’t look alive anymore, she was all limp and broken. Maybe she’ll be in heaven with me then, or I’ll be in hell looking up at her. She definitely won’t go to hell, she’s an angel already, always done everything right.

I don’t wish for a last moment with Frankie too much, even though you can never have too many last moments with Frankie. The last time I was with him we were hugging and the last thing I said to him was ‘I love you too baby’ so I don’t have a problem with that. The last thing I said to my dad was ‘have a nice day’ which isn’t perfect but it’s not too bad I suppose. Lastly, Mikey. What was the last thing I said to Mikey? Oh yeah, ‘remember little brother, safe sex is happy sex, so play nice.’ Then he hit me and ran out the door. Not the best last thing to say, but it was still left on a fairly happy note, and I guess he knows I love him. I wonder how long it’ll take for them to decide where to put me. I hope they decide soon, I don’t like where I am now, it hurts.

I wonder if Frank’s here? I hope not. Lots of people think I’m selfish and I suppose they could e right but not when it comes to Frankie. I want him to stay alive and be happy and forget about me. I want the band to find a new singer and carry on and make me proud. Even though I’ll be below them and will no longer be able to hear them. I want Frankie to find someone new and be so happy again, but to look up at the sky and imagine I’m watching over him, because even if I’m beneath him, I’ll be looking up and watching him every second until he goes up to heaven.

I feel like I’m turning, ever so gently and slowly but it instantly brings back sickening and painful memories from turning and flying and screaming out to Frankie. I guess I’m going down now then.