You Can Break Me Down

Two months, thirteen days, seven hours, ten minutes, and fifteen seconds of therapy.

Three years, six months, nineteen days, eleven hours, thirty-three minutes, and nineteen seconds of something that could never be fully erased.

Staring at the four walls that made up my room at the rehabilitation center made me feel like a failure. I’d gained fifteen pounds since my best friend stuck me in here. I’d also gained yet another useful habit. This one I would hide better, it would be easier to hide. I would step it up a notch when they released me from my prison. For now, it couldn’t be too extreme or I’d be here longer.

“Katherine, your brother is here to check you out,” Mathilda, the only nurse that could get me to do anything, announced as she stuck her head into the door. I nodded, not feeling the need to talk, and gathered up my things. Most of my clothes fit perfectly again, some were still baggy. Maybe I could find Stefani and have her go shopping with me.

“Kat! You look great. It’s good not seeing you so sick looking,” Rian uttered with a smile, not even bothering to beat around the bush.

“Thanks,” I muttered, still not accepting of the fact that I had gained that much weight. “It’s taking getting used to, but I’ll manage.”

“Don’t go back there. Cass is with me and, as much as I hate to say this, we’re going shopping. So, come on,” Rian laughed as he grabbed my bags and motioned for me to follow him. I rolled my eyes, but with a shake of my head I was trailing behind him like a lost puppy.

“Hi, Kat. You look good,” Cassadee Pope, Rian’s girlfriend, commented as I climbed into the back seat.

“Thanks,” I muttered, not really wanting to take the conversation of my time in Hell, or my weight, any further. “So, where are we headed?”

“Well, Rian said you liked vintage stuff and there’s this store on La Brea that I’ve been wanting to check out,” she mused hopefully.

“Jet Rag? It’s a good store. It’s not Sunday, so we’re good to go,” I shrugged, thinking of the dollar sale I’d attended last year and how it was nothing but heaps of clothes with people almost attacking each other for the ugliest items.

“You’ve been? Well, awesome. Anywhere else you think would work?” she questioned, looking at me through the rearview mirror.

“Pop Killer’s good. Other than that, I’m of no use,” I muttered with a shrug. “I don’t really shop much,” I admitted sheepishly.

“So, are you headed back to finish up your classes soon?” Rian asked, interrupting our conversation about shopping.

“I don’t know. I haven’t thought about it,” I lied. I thought about everything over the past two months. The details I didn’t want to remember from childhood embarrassment, my first party, the first time I tried “dieting” the way I had; there was no topic left uncovered. I just didn’t want to go back yet, but he didn’t need to know that. He needed to know I was okay so he could go back on tour.

“Well, there’s no need to worry about it now. We’ve got a surprise when we’re done with shopping and everything,” Rian announced with a grin in my direction.

“Do I even want to know?”

“Not really,” he laughed.

“Alright,” I sighed, leaning back into the seats, not really caring. The conversation stopped there, leaving the only sound to be blink-182 blasting in the background.

Four hours and an intense amount of Chinese food and shopping later, Rian, Cassadee, and I were headed to meet up with the rest of All Time Low. They hadn’t seen me in about a year and I figured the jokes would be worse than last time. I got called a skeleton and a twig, they even asked me why I was getting started on my Halloween costume so early. I’ve been told I hold grudges longer than necessary.

“Fuck, I hate shopping,” Rian groaned as he fell onto a couch.

“Kat! You look pretty,” Jack commented as he ran and gave me a hug, completely ignoring my brother.

“Thanks, Jack,” I murmured, not really in the mood to be bothered by his hyperactivity.

“Aren’t you excited? You’re coming with-”

“Jack, shut up! I haven’t told her yet,” Rian hissed, interrupting Jack.

“Told me what?” I asked, suspicious once again.

“Well, I know staying here might be tough for you and it’s summer, so I was thinking you could come with us on tour. The guys are alright with it and we’re going to Europe, where I know you’ve always wanted to go, so I thought it might be a good thing,” Rian explained, coming to sit beside me.

“I, er, sure,” I mumbled with a shrug. I offered a smile at the cheers that rose through the room. It would be a good thing to get away from California for a while. Maybe I could gain a new perspective over this whole disorder. Traveling would definitely keep me occupied.

“Well, come then! We’ve got to get your clothes washed and packed,” Rian laughed as he pulled me off the couch and pushed me to the laundry room.

Well, summer plans are better than nothing.