Carried Away.

The days seemed to drag until it was finally the night before we would be leaving for North Carolina. Though Mom and I had gone over everything I might need twice I still felt the need to unpack and then repack everything again, just to be safe. With 2 brothers in the same month to be with, it was obvious I’d be spending 2 weeks with each brother. The guys and I had decided that I would spend the first two weeks with Eric, and the second with Jared. Then in July I’d be in Pittsburgh, and in August I was off to New York. The guys all seemed to be really excited about me staying with them, all telling me things that they definitely planned on showing or teaching me. As excited as I was, I was still incredibly nervous. All the time I’d spent with the boys, I’d never actually spent any real one on one time with them. I was terrified of something happening making us never quite the same as we are right now, and right now things are pretty close to perfect. I was lost in all these thoughts when I heard a light tap on the door. I looked at the clock. 10:53pm. Confused, I said come in. It was Jared. He chuckled when he saw me repacking my bag again.

“What is this, the 6th time you’ve repacked?” I stuck my tongue out at him. He laughed again. “Very mature.”

“You have so much room to talk my friend.” Again he laughed and just nodded his head. I noticed that something about him was off though. He laughed, but there was something about his eyes that made him look off.

“You okay J?” I asked curiously. The emotion on his face matched his eyes this time. He sat down on the floor and leaned back against the bed. He patted the spot beside him, wanting me to sit down with him.

“I want to talk to you about something. Please don’t interrupt, but just let me say everything that I have to say. Though, I’m not so sure you’ll want to hear it. God I’m not even sure I want to say it, if I even know how to.”

He looked so torn it made me want to cry. “You can tell me anything. Just say whatever you have to say and I’ll do my best to understand and listen. Though I promise nothing about not interrupting, that’s just a deal breaker right there.” He chuckled and nodded.

“I should expect nothing less from a Staal. “ We both smiled and sat there in silence for a few minutes. I decided to be patient and let him talk when he was ready. He seemed to be thinking about the best way to start saying whatever it was he wanted to say.

“Okay look I’m just going to say it. Part of me really doesn’t want you to come and stay with me. It’s… It’s not that I don’t love you and don’t want you there, its... God I don’t know what it is.” He sat there and stared at the floor, and I sat there and stared at him.

“Don’t take that the wrong way. I just don’t.. What if something happens? What if I leave for 5 minutes and something bad happens to you because I wasn’t there? I mean I never wanted a little sibling anyways, mostly just because I was terrified of letting them down. What if while you’re with me, I can’t protect you? What if I’m not a good older brother? I don’t want to take that risk with you. I’m scared.”

Somewhere during his rant he had started to cry, which in turn made me cry. We again sat in silence while I tried to think of some way to respond.

“You know, I’ve always been an only child. When I found out I actually had 4 brothers, I was flat out terrified. You guys scare me J, or I guess did scare me. I’ve never truly felt safe or protected. Like if something was going to happen to me, no one would try and stop it. But now I finally do. If something happened to me, I would never hold it against you because I know that you would do absolutely everything you could to stop it. I trust you J, trust yourself.” He looked up at me, his pain clearly etched on his face. I reached over and hugged him, holding him as tightly as I could.

“I love you J.”
“I love you too Kaylee.”

He gave me a kiss on the head, stood up, and reached down to help me up. He smiled, turned around, and walked out the door. He was still upset, and I definitely hadn’t made him fell 100% better, but he would be okay for now. At least I hoped so. I turned off the light, and got in bed already knowing I probably wouldn’t be able to sleep. I looked at the clock. 11:11. I closed my eyes, and made a wish, then I slowly found myself drifting off to sleep.