Infinite Love, Infinite Hope, Infinite Faith
tired of being tired
That weekend I didn’t go out, I usually go out shopping or something but this time I didn’t, when some one called I said I couldn’t go. Why? Because I was tired, I was tired of everything, I was tired of pretending, I was tired of school, I was tired of those fake people who acted like they were my friends but thy all that wanted was to be around” the popular”.
I was tired of being tired.
I wanted to go out and scream in the middle of the road so some one could ask me what was wrong, because no one did, not even Emma; no one ever bothered to know what was wrong if one day I was a little upset they would say I was PMSing!
I heard a soft nock on the door but didn’t say anything. The door opened and then closed silently , I closed my eyes and simply stayed there laying on my bed; I felt as some one fell on my bed with a loud PUM and the started to jump, I laughed already knowing who it was.
“What are you doing here?” I asked between giggles.
“Well, I can go if you want me to”
I opened my eyes and turned around to find him lying besides me with a smile on his face. When he said what he said he started to get up from the bed, I took his hand and got up as well.
“What? No! Don’t go, please”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I mean… I haven’t talk to you for a while, you’ve been distant”
I whispered the last part, it wasn’t completely his fault I had been distant too and the truth is I didn’t even know why but last week he was just annoying , him and Leila for that matter.
“Let’s go somewhere! Like old times.” He said and I smiled.
I like the sound of that…
“But where? I’m tired” I whined.
“Tired? Of what? You know what? I don’t care, you’re coming”
He dragged me outside the house and we started walking; we went to a little park, one that we used to go to when we were kids.
I sighed.”I really love this place.” I said as I laid myself on the ground.
“Then why don’t you come here more often?”
His question actually got me thinking, it was a nice place and I really liked it, besides it was near my house so why didn’t I come more often?
Because people don’t like to see the school queen lying on the grass.
“I don’t know…” I answered and then we stayed like that for a few minutes or maybe hours? I’m not really sure…
I was looking at the sky, relaxing and for a second I felt like I was free of my problems, I stopped pretending to be who I wasn’t because I knew he wasn’t going to judge me for being too cheerful or for being too soft-hearted.
“Are you ready to tell me what’s bothering you? Or do you want me to wait a few more minutes?” he asked softly and I grunted.
Of course he wanted to talk about that, he knew me too well.
I turned upside down and put my head on my hands so it was resting on them.
“Well…. My problem is that I can’t wait to get out of here.”
“Why is that?” he asked and I rolled my eyes. Couldn’t he just let it go?!
“Why? Because I hate school, I hate the fact that I have to be perfect and flawless, I hate that I can’t trust anyone because they are all pretending to like me, god! Even I pretend to like them! And…”
“You can trust me and Emma”
“I know! But I don’t know ok? And… I hate my boyfriend.” I murmured.
His eyes widened and he sat down.
“What?!” he asked and I got up and started to walk around the park trying to avoid his eyes that were frantically searching mine.
“Nia… look at me” I ignored him and kept walking but he reached for my wrist and took it which made me stop.
I turned around and met his eyes.
“What you just said… did you mean that?” he asked and I looked down.
I didn’t exactly hate him did I? I simply had a bad feeling about him… but it wasn’t my fault! You can’t get to know someone in a month right?
Actually, it’s 3 months, remember?
Not a good time for you to show up.
I sighed” no… well yes… on second thoughts no” I tried to get out of his hold and he let me go.” I’m not sure, but I’ll tell you one thing, he might make me blush and he might be sweet but I don’t laugh with him as much as I do with…. Other guys” I was going to say ‘you’ but then something came to my mind, something I hadn’t thought about in a long time…
Better for you if she doesn’t love anyone…
Emma’s word had haunted me for a week but I had let them go, now that I was with him alone talking about love… what if Emma was right? I don’t know how I’d react to that.
“Besides- I continued- I don’t like him that much…”
I sat on a bench and he sat beside me.
“Break up with him then” he said and I sighed.
I have been doing that a lot lately, sighing.
“I, I can’t”
“Come on nia, why not? It’s easy! You’ve done it thousands of times” he said and there I broke down, yep I cried and really cried.
“What? Why, why are you crying? I thought you didn’t like him…”
I rolled my eyes and glared at him through the tears.
“Do you have any idea of what have the guys been doing lately? Including your girlfriend?”
I asked and he furrowed, I guessed he didn’t know so I kept talking.
“They are making bets over my relationship with john, to see how long it’ll last… if I break up with him then I’m going to be seen as a … as a….” I couldn’t continue because of the sobs that were making their way through my throat.
What are you doing?? Calm down…. Breathe in and out.
I took a deep breath and let it out and tried to continue but the word never left my mouth, it was like I couldn’t force them out.
I didn’t have to though, because apparently he understood because he put his arms around me and said.
“If I found out someone’s been calling you that I’ll deal with it”
I smiled and sniffed a little then I returned the hug.
“Thanks… ugh! I know I’m like totally ruining the moment and everything but…I’ve been avoiding you.” I looked up with one eye closed and the other open and I saw him furrow and then chuckle.
“I know.” He looked down at me” but what I don’t get is, why?”
Because of many, many reasons….ones that you’re not supposed to know.
“Well, first of all I’m really really mad at Leila for starting the bet and second of all I just keep having this feeling that tells me you’re hiding something from me and that you don’t want to tell me.”
He tensed and I started to wonder, what if I’ve been right all this time? Was my best friend lying to me? And if he was … then why didn’t he tell me? Didn’t he trust me?
So many questions popped into my head in so little time I was sure I was going to have a headache if I kept thinking. And why wasn’t he answering?! That was making me wonder even more!
“I am keeping something from you and I think is about time I tell you” he turned around so he was facing me and I did the same then I raised an eyebrow indicating him to continue.” Before I say anything, you need to know I was going to tell you but I didn’t know how you were going to react and ….”
I interrupted him. “You are going out of topic here…. “
He rolled his eyes and continued” shhh, shut up I’m telling a story here – that made me laugh but then I shut up because he looked very serious—you know that summer break starts in 3 weeks right? – I nodded- well I’m not going to be here because I’m leaving in a week.”
WHATTTT?????
i gasped when he said that and all the thoughts came back. He was leaving? Where? Was he coming back? Or was he staying there? And most importantly where is ‘there’?
“You, you are leaving? Where? Why? Are you coming back? You have to! I mean next year is our senior! And you have to be here!”I spoke so fast I wasn’t sure he had heard me. And no I’m not over reacting. This is my best friend telling me he’s leaving! I have the right to freak out.
“Wow! Calm down. I am coming back and I’m going to Australia for two months.”
“Ok… why are you going? I mean I understand is summer and everything but why so long?” I asked looking at him questioningly.
Prepare yourself for the worst.
“my parents believe it’d be better if I went to college there… you know they went there and everything but I don’t think I want to study in another country—he looked down at me and smiled—besides I can’t leave you and Emma alone… you’d kill each other. “
“As much as I hate to admit it…. We actually would” I laughed as I let out a relieved breath.
He’s going to come back….
“What about you? What are you doing this summer?”
I grunted.” You know what? Emma will hate us!” I said covering my eyes with my hands, he laughed and I hit him in the arm.” I’m serious! We’re practically abandoning her!”
“You’re leaving too? Where?” he asked me and I stared at him.
He was kidding right? I mean I’ve been talking about it since both my parents told me I could go; and they had told me a while ago. Both my parents! That almost never happens, if one of them allows me to do something the other one says I can’t do that and vice versa.
“France” I squealed.
I was so excited about going to France; I hadn’t been there since I was 13, I had a cousin, Annabelle, who was going to college there next year and we used that as an excuse for me to go.
“and I guess I don’t have to ask you if you’re studying there..” he teased and I laughed.
“of course not and you know that—I pointed a finger at him—as much as I love Paris, the Eiffel tower, the weather, the language… I don’t want to leave America, at least not yet.”
Taylor knew where I wanted to study and he also knew that the possibilities of me going there were one in a million. Why? Because my mother didn’t think I should go there, she thought I should study something like medicine or architecture or something like that, but I didn’t want to study that because one: I don’t like math, neither do I like biology an two: I wanted to study what I wanted to study. I bet no one told her what she could and couldn’t study; why did she have to make me do something I didn’t want to?
“have you talked to your mom about that?”
I rolled my eyes; of course I had talked to my mom and we had argued and she had won.
“She said I can go if I get the fucking scholarship which I won’t have because I haven’t played or performed since my freshman year.”
We both sighed.
I wanted to go to Julliard University, I’ve always wanted to go there; my father always supported me, he taught me how to play the piano and then I had learnt how to play the violin. I’ve always liked arts, when I was at elementary school I was part of the dramatic arts club and I always got the main roles, but most importantly I had fun.
My mother never liked the fact that I wanted to be an artist and when I started high school I had to quit because it wasn’t ‘cool’, and I hate to say that my mother was very happy about it.
Ugh. I hate how something as stupid as what people would say can ruin your future. I mean if I hadn’t worried about they’d say about me being an artist then I’d have kept performing and then Julliard would have given me a scholarship and then I would be able to go without my mother authorization… but now.
“How the hell am I supposed to get a scholarship?” I whispered, this really was getting me down.
“Oh men I don’t know…we’ll think of something” Taylor said quietly and I smile a little” maybe you should get into the drama club next year!”
“Thanks tay… but I don’t think that performing for a year is gonna get their attention and even if it did, I’m Efigenia Gomez remember? I don’t think that the guys from the drama club are gonna take me in, not after I ditched them.”
He got up and started walking then he turned around and smirked at me.
“you coming?”
I laughed as I got up and ran after him and got into his back, we went home like this, joking, laughing and, for the first time in a long time, I felt great.
I was tired of being tired.
I wanted to go out and scream in the middle of the road so some one could ask me what was wrong, because no one did, not even Emma; no one ever bothered to know what was wrong if one day I was a little upset they would say I was PMSing!
I heard a soft nock on the door but didn’t say anything. The door opened and then closed silently , I closed my eyes and simply stayed there laying on my bed; I felt as some one fell on my bed with a loud PUM and the started to jump, I laughed already knowing who it was.
“What are you doing here?” I asked between giggles.
“Well, I can go if you want me to”
I opened my eyes and turned around to find him lying besides me with a smile on his face. When he said what he said he started to get up from the bed, I took his hand and got up as well.
“What? No! Don’t go, please”
He raised an eyebrow.
“I mean… I haven’t talk to you for a while, you’ve been distant”
I whispered the last part, it wasn’t completely his fault I had been distant too and the truth is I didn’t even know why but last week he was just annoying , him and Leila for that matter.
“Let’s go somewhere! Like old times.” He said and I smiled.
I like the sound of that…
“But where? I’m tired” I whined.
“Tired? Of what? You know what? I don’t care, you’re coming”
He dragged me outside the house and we started walking; we went to a little park, one that we used to go to when we were kids.
I sighed.”I really love this place.” I said as I laid myself on the ground.
“Then why don’t you come here more often?”
His question actually got me thinking, it was a nice place and I really liked it, besides it was near my house so why didn’t I come more often?
Because people don’t like to see the school queen lying on the grass.
“I don’t know…” I answered and then we stayed like that for a few minutes or maybe hours? I’m not really sure…
I was looking at the sky, relaxing and for a second I felt like I was free of my problems, I stopped pretending to be who I wasn’t because I knew he wasn’t going to judge me for being too cheerful or for being too soft-hearted.
“Are you ready to tell me what’s bothering you? Or do you want me to wait a few more minutes?” he asked softly and I grunted.
Of course he wanted to talk about that, he knew me too well.
I turned upside down and put my head on my hands so it was resting on them.
“Well…. My problem is that I can’t wait to get out of here.”
“Why is that?” he asked and I rolled my eyes. Couldn’t he just let it go?!
“Why? Because I hate school, I hate the fact that I have to be perfect and flawless, I hate that I can’t trust anyone because they are all pretending to like me, god! Even I pretend to like them! And…”
“You can trust me and Emma”
“I know! But I don’t know ok? And… I hate my boyfriend.” I murmured.
His eyes widened and he sat down.
“What?!” he asked and I got up and started to walk around the park trying to avoid his eyes that were frantically searching mine.
“Nia… look at me” I ignored him and kept walking but he reached for my wrist and took it which made me stop.
I turned around and met his eyes.
“What you just said… did you mean that?” he asked and I looked down.
I didn’t exactly hate him did I? I simply had a bad feeling about him… but it wasn’t my fault! You can’t get to know someone in a month right?
Actually, it’s 3 months, remember?
Not a good time for you to show up.
I sighed” no… well yes… on second thoughts no” I tried to get out of his hold and he let me go.” I’m not sure, but I’ll tell you one thing, he might make me blush and he might be sweet but I don’t laugh with him as much as I do with…. Other guys” I was going to say ‘you’ but then something came to my mind, something I hadn’t thought about in a long time…
Better for you if she doesn’t love anyone…
Emma’s word had haunted me for a week but I had let them go, now that I was with him alone talking about love… what if Emma was right? I don’t know how I’d react to that.
“Besides- I continued- I don’t like him that much…”
I sat on a bench and he sat beside me.
“Break up with him then” he said and I sighed.
I have been doing that a lot lately, sighing.
“I, I can’t”
“Come on nia, why not? It’s easy! You’ve done it thousands of times” he said and there I broke down, yep I cried and really cried.
“What? Why, why are you crying? I thought you didn’t like him…”
I rolled my eyes and glared at him through the tears.
“Do you have any idea of what have the guys been doing lately? Including your girlfriend?”
I asked and he furrowed, I guessed he didn’t know so I kept talking.
“They are making bets over my relationship with john, to see how long it’ll last… if I break up with him then I’m going to be seen as a … as a….” I couldn’t continue because of the sobs that were making their way through my throat.
What are you doing?? Calm down…. Breathe in and out.
I took a deep breath and let it out and tried to continue but the word never left my mouth, it was like I couldn’t force them out.
I didn’t have to though, because apparently he understood because he put his arms around me and said.
“If I found out someone’s been calling you that I’ll deal with it”
I smiled and sniffed a little then I returned the hug.
“Thanks… ugh! I know I’m like totally ruining the moment and everything but…I’ve been avoiding you.” I looked up with one eye closed and the other open and I saw him furrow and then chuckle.
“I know.” He looked down at me” but what I don’t get is, why?”
Because of many, many reasons….ones that you’re not supposed to know.
“Well, first of all I’m really really mad at Leila for starting the bet and second of all I just keep having this feeling that tells me you’re hiding something from me and that you don’t want to tell me.”
He tensed and I started to wonder, what if I’ve been right all this time? Was my best friend lying to me? And if he was … then why didn’t he tell me? Didn’t he trust me?
So many questions popped into my head in so little time I was sure I was going to have a headache if I kept thinking. And why wasn’t he answering?! That was making me wonder even more!
“I am keeping something from you and I think is about time I tell you” he turned around so he was facing me and I did the same then I raised an eyebrow indicating him to continue.” Before I say anything, you need to know I was going to tell you but I didn’t know how you were going to react and ….”
I interrupted him. “You are going out of topic here…. “
He rolled his eyes and continued” shhh, shut up I’m telling a story here – that made me laugh but then I shut up because he looked very serious—you know that summer break starts in 3 weeks right? – I nodded- well I’m not going to be here because I’m leaving in a week.”
WHATTTT?????
i gasped when he said that and all the thoughts came back. He was leaving? Where? Was he coming back? Or was he staying there? And most importantly where is ‘there’?
“You, you are leaving? Where? Why? Are you coming back? You have to! I mean next year is our senior! And you have to be here!”I spoke so fast I wasn’t sure he had heard me. And no I’m not over reacting. This is my best friend telling me he’s leaving! I have the right to freak out.
“Wow! Calm down. I am coming back and I’m going to Australia for two months.”
“Ok… why are you going? I mean I understand is summer and everything but why so long?” I asked looking at him questioningly.
Prepare yourself for the worst.
“my parents believe it’d be better if I went to college there… you know they went there and everything but I don’t think I want to study in another country—he looked down at me and smiled—besides I can’t leave you and Emma alone… you’d kill each other. “
“As much as I hate to admit it…. We actually would” I laughed as I let out a relieved breath.
He’s going to come back….
“What about you? What are you doing this summer?”
I grunted.” You know what? Emma will hate us!” I said covering my eyes with my hands, he laughed and I hit him in the arm.” I’m serious! We’re practically abandoning her!”
“You’re leaving too? Where?” he asked me and I stared at him.
He was kidding right? I mean I’ve been talking about it since both my parents told me I could go; and they had told me a while ago. Both my parents! That almost never happens, if one of them allows me to do something the other one says I can’t do that and vice versa.
“France” I squealed.
I was so excited about going to France; I hadn’t been there since I was 13, I had a cousin, Annabelle, who was going to college there next year and we used that as an excuse for me to go.
“and I guess I don’t have to ask you if you’re studying there..” he teased and I laughed.
“of course not and you know that—I pointed a finger at him—as much as I love Paris, the Eiffel tower, the weather, the language… I don’t want to leave America, at least not yet.”
Taylor knew where I wanted to study and he also knew that the possibilities of me going there were one in a million. Why? Because my mother didn’t think I should go there, she thought I should study something like medicine or architecture or something like that, but I didn’t want to study that because one: I don’t like math, neither do I like biology an two: I wanted to study what I wanted to study. I bet no one told her what she could and couldn’t study; why did she have to make me do something I didn’t want to?
“have you talked to your mom about that?”
I rolled my eyes; of course I had talked to my mom and we had argued and she had won.
“She said I can go if I get the fucking scholarship which I won’t have because I haven’t played or performed since my freshman year.”
We both sighed.
I wanted to go to Julliard University, I’ve always wanted to go there; my father always supported me, he taught me how to play the piano and then I had learnt how to play the violin. I’ve always liked arts, when I was at elementary school I was part of the dramatic arts club and I always got the main roles, but most importantly I had fun.
My mother never liked the fact that I wanted to be an artist and when I started high school I had to quit because it wasn’t ‘cool’, and I hate to say that my mother was very happy about it.
Ugh. I hate how something as stupid as what people would say can ruin your future. I mean if I hadn’t worried about they’d say about me being an artist then I’d have kept performing and then Julliard would have given me a scholarship and then I would be able to go without my mother authorization… but now.
“How the hell am I supposed to get a scholarship?” I whispered, this really was getting me down.
“Oh men I don’t know…we’ll think of something” Taylor said quietly and I smile a little” maybe you should get into the drama club next year!”
“Thanks tay… but I don’t think that performing for a year is gonna get their attention and even if it did, I’m Efigenia Gomez remember? I don’t think that the guys from the drama club are gonna take me in, not after I ditched them.”
He got up and started walking then he turned around and smirked at me.
“you coming?”
I laughed as I got up and ran after him and got into his back, we went home like this, joking, laughing and, for the first time in a long time, I felt great.