Abusive Love

“You alright?” An'i gave me a worried look as she kept pulling me along with her down the street like a five-year old with a mother. In a way—she was like my mother. She protected me, or at least, tried to.

But I had gotten hurt anyway. I didn't have any mental wall of defence.

The cruel words that Jeremy said felt like knife stabbing through my heart. No, I had to be strong. I had to be. I couldn't let him hurt me... I couldn't...

But I couldn't be strong. I couldn't do it.

“No, I'm not okay,” I said. And then I broke down—right there, in the middle of the street. Loud sobs tore free of my throat and tears were flowing down my cheeks. I bent over, my right hand clutched the cold metal fence of a nearby gate. An'i patted me on the back.

“It's okay, Em. Don't let him get to you. He can't control you. He's not important.”

But he was important. He did control me. And I was powerless. I loved him.

An'i kept patting my back—she was like a sister I never had. More like a mother, really. My mother would never be this kind and protective of me. I couldn't help but wish that An'i was my mother.

“Jeremy and his friends are stupid. He doesn't know what an amazing person you are. You'll find another boy out there. There are millions!”

But there was only one Jeremy. No one could compare to him. He was the sun and the moon. He was my heart and my soul. I couldn't live without him—no matter how hard I tried.

“I-I love him, An'i,” I sobbed.

“No! It's not real love. You're just imagining it! You'll get over him soon! He's just a crush. A minor setback. You won't even remember his name in two years.”

Oh, I would. Jeremy Evans. Forever inscribed in my brain. Those words were both blissful and painful to hear. They meant nothing to a stranger, but everything to me.

I continued sobbing, my throat was constricted. I couldn't speak unless I wanted to start retching.

“Keep crying,” An'i murmured, “keep crying and get that Jay-jerk out of your system.”

When my heaving sobs were coming to a stop, I decided to ask An'i a question.

“D-do you love Connor? Be truthful.” I wanted to hear if she knew she was aware of it.

I tried to straighten up. I used my left hand to wipe the tears on my face. My right hand was still clutching the fence.

A weird look crossed An'i's face. An emotion I couldn't decipher appeared for a second—and then disappeared. Her face was plain of emotion as she gazed at me solemnly.

“I wished I didn't,” An'i said softly. I noticed it wasn't a straight answer. But I didn't push it. She never pushed me to tell her things—I would leave her to her privacy.

“Do... do you want to go home?”

I shook my head and my eyes widen. “N-no! I can't! Not in this state.” My face was blotchy. I couldn't let them see that.

Everyday I came home, my parents would find something wrong with what I was doing. I would get yelled at and hit. An'i didn't know that my parents had beat me before. She only knew that they always yelled at me.

“Then where are you going to go?”

“Can I come to your house?” I loved going to An'i's house. Her parents were loving and polite. Their house smelled fresh and it felt welcoming. They had a grand piano in the living room too. I loved playing the piano. I only had an old keyboard at home. And my parents would barely let me play it.

“Don't your parents need you to be home?”

“They kind of don't really care. If I'm home by the end of this month, they won't...fret,” I said, feeling uncomfortable. I remembered how, last week, I had got them angry. They cast me out of the house. I stayed in the park for half the week I was gone. And I stayed at An'i's the other half.

I didn't like staying over at An'i's like that. It made me feel disgusting. It made me feel so ashamed of myself.

So immensely ashamed that I had such a...horrible life. I had only went over to An'i's because she had found me sleeping on the park bench and insisted to take me back.

An'i nodded. “Sure. As long as you won't cry about that Jay-jerk while you're there, okay?”

I'll cry about him when I'm alone in my room, I thought. “Yeah, don't worry.” She didn't need to worry about it. I wouldn't cry at her house, that was a promise.

An'i seemed satisfied with my answer. She smiled, showing dimples on her right cheek. Her dark hair shone in the sunlight...it seemed it be a red shade.

An'i's house was small and inconspicuous. Really, you could have walked by it everyday and never notice it. As I followed An'i, I kept an eye out for her house. It was this small flat that had one bathroom and two rooms. Including a kitchen that was also living room. It wasn't packed with items. But I never really got over the fact that they could fit a grand piano in that house.

They didn't have a backyard and the front yard wasn't something that would attract your attention. It was just plain grass. There were no weeds. No blossoming flowers. Nothing to draw your attention. Except for a single pine tree. But it was short and barely stood out.

Her house came to view when we were right in front of the yard.

“Home sweet home,” An'i murmured as she cut her way through the yard. I followed behind her. When we made it to the front door, An'i unlocked the door and let me inside first.

I stepped in and sighed. An'i's house never failed to comfort me.

I spotted Ms. Terrence immediately. She was a average height woman with square-framed glasses and black hair like An'i tied into a neat bun. Ms. Terrence was working in the kitchen.

“Hello, Ms. Terrence,” I greeted cheerfully. I've always wondered why I couldn't have been born in this family. Maybe I could be An'i's twin—or sister.

“Oh! Hello Emma! Nice to see you, how was school?”

I thought back to Jeremy, both at the end of school and in English class. And my eyes started to prickle with tears. If I said anything, I felt like I would start crying. I didn't want to cry again.

Thankfully, An'i came to my rescue. She shut the door, not looking at me or noticing that I was about to cry. “Oh, it was fine,” she said. She lied with ease. I've always wondered who anyone can lie that easily. I didn't like lying.

“Any homework? Finish that first before you go on the computer!”

An'i grumbled. “Yeah, yeah. Okay.”

I looked at An'i. “I don't have any homework, you?”

“Just a bit. I'll go finish it now so I can chill with you later, okay?” An'i asked. I nodded and she hurried away to her room.

“Ms. Terrence, would you mind if I played the piano?”

“No! Not at all. You're amazing at it.”

I blushed at the compliment—something I would barely get from my own parents. No—they never complimented me.

“Thankyou,” I said softly. If only my parents of Jeremy would compliment me—I would be so grateful for it. If even just once.

I settled in front of the piano. Mr. Terrence had a couple of music books on the stand. I picked through it until I found a higher level book. I opened it to a song of my choice.

Mr. Terrence had taught me how to play piano. He was a professional piano teacher. I knew An'i since I was in kindergarten. I would come over to her house often. I showed interest in the piano and Mr. Terrence decided to teacher me—no charge.

I was a fast learner and I loved playing the piano. Just like An'i liked reading. An'i told me it helped her escape her world in particularly hard times. That was same with me. It helped me escape. Escape from my life. Escape from the horrible things that gripped onto me with it's nasty claws—refusing to let go. Only music would help me escape their claws.

The song I had chosen was Butterfly Wings. It was short but alive. It was so flouncy and full of vivid life. My fingers were posed over the keys. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get in the right moment. There was silence, and then music started.

My fingers flowed over the keys naturally, like they have a thousand times. Music filled my ears and I smiled. The rich tone of the grand piano rang through my ears. I thought about a world filled with happiness and love. In other words—my Fantasy World. How I wished that it were real. I would leave the Reality and never come back. I would take An'i with me. In my Fantasy World, there will be another version of Jeremy Evans.

Jeremy Evans...

Jeremy...

'That's where your fantasies belong. In the garbage. Along with you. Freak.'

No, I couldn't think about the cruel words he had spoken. Tears were starting to prickle at the corner of my eyes. I urged myself to forget it and focus on the music.

The song was almost over now. I finished the last few bars with a flourish. Then it was silent again. I slowly opened my eyes. Just as I did, I heard Ms. Terrence say: “That was amazing!”

A tiny smile crept to my lips. Every compliment meant so much to me. I would never take it for granted.

An'i applauded loudly from her room. She had left her door open.

“That was great! I wished I could play like you do!”

I blushed at that compliment. It made me feel like I've finally achieved something worth boasting.

But then I thought about my parents and the words that Jeremy had told me this morning. They would never be as proud as the Terrence family. My parents were never proud of me. And Jeremy...I could only wish that he would notice my achievements.

“Thanks,” I said very softly, though no one could really hear me.

I fingered through the pages and settled with a bittersweet piece. My fingers touched the keys softly, but enough to make music flow from the piano.

I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in the haunting music. The touch of melody and harmony was just right. The minor key set the mood. Oh, how easily things can change form uphill to down. From the happy piece I had just played—to this depressing one.

I let myself think about my parents and Jeremy. Who held the whip? Not me, of course.

My parents would hit me when they were in a bad mood. They were almost always in a bad mood. If they weren't arguing with each other, they were yelling at me. It seemed like that was the one thing they could agree on. But my mind told me not to think badly of them. They were my parents—after all.

And Jeremy... Jeremy... How could he be so...cruel? Why was the Reality like that? Why was the world unfair? Why couldn't everyone live in perfect harmony?

“The world is just like that. It's never fair, Emma.” An'i's comments were always in my head.

But why? I wanted to ask. Why?

It seemed like there was no good reason for that. There was no good reason for all the hatred and unfairness in this world.

If there was no hatred or violence in the world, wouldn't it be a better place?

“There's no place without hatred and violence. No matter where you go, those factors are hiding in the cracks—waiting to attack.” That was An'i again.

Why do we have violence and hatred? Why do we have it—even though we know it's no good? Why are we unfair to one another? We're all human beings, aren't we? Why is the world unfair?

It was so confusing—the Reality. If things didn't have to be so complicated and separate, we would never have such big problems. Why couldn't everything be like the Fantasy World? Where everything is...good?

Then I thought about Connor and An'i. Connor and An'i should have gotten together the day they met. But no, Connor was already starting to become a player which made An'i distasteful to him. What if being a player meant nothing—in another world? What if it was just a label that meant nothing?

“It does mean something. It identifies his actions and tells us what he truly is,” An'i had insisted.

So what if... What if sex didn't mean anything? What if it didn't give satisfaction and create lust? What if it was as simple as the grass that we step on? It is simple. It was just...us, who had given it a bad name.

The song ended suddenly, the shrill and echoing note haunting the rooms of this house. Then it shrank back, and came to a halt.

An'i applauded again. Ms. Terrence seem to be almost crying.

“That was such a wonderful piece, Emma!” I turned to see Ms. Terrence beaming at me like I was her child. I blushed.

The door suddenly opened. And I had a feeling of dread. But I realized that this wasn't my home... It wasn't my father at the door.

It was An'i's father. My piano teacher. The dread faded to be replaced with respect. Mr. Terrence entered the kitchen-crossed-living room.

“Good afternoon Mr. Terrence,” I said.

“Oh! Hello, Emma! Nice to see you!”

“Hi dad!” An'i was saying. I never greeted my father—he scared me more than my mother. He got angry more often than my mother. And when he did, he would strike immediately. Like...a ruthless rattlesnake.

“Hello, An'i!” Mr. Terrence smiled as An'i appeared in the room. An'i gave him a bright smile.

Mr. Terrence was a little on the taller side. He looked around twenty-five. He had raven-black hair.

“So... I'm going to steal Emma away for a while. Do you mind, mom?”

Ms. Terrence gasped. “And lose the wonderful music? Of course not!” I was confused if they were joking or not. But apparently, by the mischievous gleam in An'i's eyes, they were playing around.

“Still practising hard the playing the piano?” Mr. Terrence asked, some sort of pride in his voice. I nodded happily.

“Yes,” I said. I was the highest level in piano, but I still didn't stop practising on improving my my techniques.

“Maybe you can teach An'i,” Mr. Terrence said.

“Oh, no. She doesn't like playing piano. Plus, I'm not a good teacher,” I immediately said.

“You don't know unless you actually try. I'm sure you'll be a great teacher, better than me,” Mr. Terrence told me happily. Before I could reply, he turned to go help his wife make dinner.

Did he really believe that I was that good? The thoughts of that made me feel so proud of myself. A professional piano teacher telling me that I was great at playing the piano. And that I could be able to teach...even better than himself!

I've always loved coming here. It seemed that An'i's parents had no end of compliments. But I didn't come here fishing for compliments. I came here simply because I loved the feeling here. Like nothing could fall apart.

“Come on!” An'i dragged me over to her room.

Her room was small. It consisted of a drawer, a single bed, and a closet. Not to mention a small table with a lamp on it for doing homework on. And a laptop on the table too.

Notes were scattered on the table beside her laptop, which was closed. Stuffed animals were all over her bed. An'i was the type of girl who loved stuffed animals.

Connor can give her one and she'll keep it, even thought she dislikes everything and everyone he touches, I thought.

“So!” An'i plopped herself on her bed in a sitting position. I sat down on the chair by the table. I felt like this was therapy. I've never been to therapy before. But the way that An'i looked at me felt like it.

“Yeah?”

“Are you still okay?” She kept her voice low because the door was wide open. She knew that I didn't want her parents to know about the fiasco with Jeremy. Or anything bad happening at school.

I nodded. “I guess so...” I thought about Jeremy's harsh words and I wanted to break down and cry, all over again. But then, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry in An'i's house.

You can do that at home, I told myself. Where no one will see you. Or at least—where no one who cares about you can see you. Only the people who don't care will see you.

“One hundred percent sure?”

I didn't like lying. When I had to, it was a half-lie.

“Fifty,” I told her. I couldn't bear lying.

An'i gave me a sharp look. “Forget about him, please. Look, there's a nerdy boy looking at you from across the school grounds.”

I didn't care about any other boys. I wanted Jeremy.

“You're joking,” I said.

An'i hung her head. “Yeah, I am. But still! It won't mean there won't be! There's going to be a jock who'll stare at you longingly from across the school grounds.”

“I don't want some jock,” I insisted, “I want... Jeremy...”

“Jay-jerk again? What's so good about him?”

I thought about it for a while. “I don't know... The way he smiles. The way he talks... The way he looks.”

“Looks! That's lust! That's being shallow!”

“No!” I covered my mouth, it had become a loud shout. But luckily, Ms. and Mr. Terrence didn't pay much attention.

“I... It's just that I...feel something around him...”

An'i rolled her eyes.

“Don't you feel the same way about Connor? Don't you just have this...urge—”

“No!” Now it was An'i's turn to cover her mouth. She then spoke in a softer voice. “Don't you dare say the devil's name.”

“He's not a devil...he's just...misguided.”

“He uses sex for fun! His whole life will go downhill when he develops some sex-related disease!”

“So you do care for him,” I said quietly.

An'i sighed. “Honestly, I don't know what to feel for him.”

An'i's phone started to make an alarming sound. She cursed, making me cringe. Then she opened her phone to close the alarm.

“Sorry, that was some thing that my dad set, just to annoy me. I don't know how to undo it. Anyway, it's almost four.”

“Four? I should go, or else your parents might think I'm bad influence by staying over too long.” I didn't want to go yet, but An'i's parents were quite strict.

“You? Bad influence? If anyone's the bad influence, it's me. I'm pure rebel,” An'i joked.

I cracked a smile. “Yeah. You are. Bye,” I said.

She smiled. “Bye!”

I left the room and headed for the exit.

“Oh Emma! Where are you going?” Ms. Terrence had spotted me.

“I'm heading home. My parents might start to wonder.” It wasn't a lie. It was the truth. Yes, they didn't care. But they would wonder where I went. And sometimes—the wondering wasn't great.

“Bye! Have a nice time!”

A nice time...something that would barely be possible at home.

I left the house and I sighed. I loved being there. Now—leaving, it made me feel slightly sad.

I headed along home. It was a few blocks further from school, a few blocks further than An'i's house.

From the outside, it looked like a normal house that wouldn't draw any stereotypes about the people living in the house or about it's state. It was just...normal/ But inside—it was a havoc.

We had a fenced front yard that was just plain grass. The house had a small porch, a second floor and a couple of big windows. Nothing wacky or out of place.

I spotted my house. A gloomy cloud always seemed to hang from it. To me—this place was barely my home. But I caught sight of the second floor window—the one to the top right, and it relieved me at once. That was my favourite place in that house.

I sighed as I walked towards the door. When I was right in front of it, I just stared at the plain white door. It meant so little, but so much. It was a door, and entrance to a shelter—a house. But it was also a door, an entrance to all the horrors that lived inside.

I unlocked the door and stepped inside. Hopefully, my father wasn't home from work yet. Another thing I couldn't stand here was the sound of my parents screaming at each other. Sometimes, I wished that they would divorce. But in my heart, I wished they wouldn't.

I wished that they would wake up one day and decide that all the fighting was stupid. And they would be with one another again in peace.

The house was silent except for the blaring of the television. It must be my mother.

“I'm home,” I called. I heard a grumble in return. It sounded feminine enough.

“Go cook dinner!”

I nodded, though she couldn't see. She didn't care about what my replies were, as long as I'd make her what she requested.

I went to the kitchen and looked through the drawers on what to cook. There wasn't much. I would have to go buy more groceries using my own money later. My heart sank. I would need to find another part-time job. But only summer jobs had hired me. Not ever the year-round ones.

In the end, I managed making salad and some spaghetti. My father hadn't come home yet. I brought out a bowl to my mother and ate at the kitchen table by myself.

I heard my mother make a spitting noise outside. I braced myself for what was coming.

“This is horrible! You call this food? You're such a shame of a daughter!”

Tears started to prick. Even though I went through this almost everyday, I wasn't use to it.

I went outside and cleaned up the food that my mother had spitted out, trying not to block her view of the television. I brought her bowl inside and washed it. Then I saved the left-overs for my father.

I went upstairs quietly to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and took a quick shower. I blow-dried my hair and went to my room and shut the door. My room was a little bigger than An'i's room. It contained a single bed, a drawer, and a table like An'i's room. But I didn't have a laptop and that many stuffed animals. I only had one.

I was like An'i. I loved stuff animals. But the only one I had was a soft, old rabbit from when I was a child—from when things were better in this family. It was like a memory preserver—that rabbit.

I closed the curtains and curled up in my bed. I pulled the covers tightly over myself—as if protecting myself from harm. But of course, it wouldn't work.

I hugged my rabbit tight and I let everything I held in from today pour out.

The encounters with Jeremy... My parents... My thoughts...

But most of it... Most of the tears were caused by Jeremy.