Memories

I had every intention to delete this story so I wouldn't have to face the truth. But dealing with it is supposed to help you cope and grow. I'm hoping that's true, because I'm about to reveal my biggest secret to everyone reading this. Whether you're my friend on facebook and you saw this link cause I posted it, or if you stumbled across this under the stories section, please don't judge me. That's all I ask.

Society today makes everything extremely hard. My generation is probably the worst so far. People are having their kisses before they're even teenagers, and having sex before they're legal. They cheat on people they claim they love, and leave when it gets tough. This was never my plan, and never will be. I plan on always being honest, and I plan on respecting myself and whoever I'm with.

In grade nine I was asked out by a boy that was known to do some pretty gross stuff, so I declined. In grade ten one of my best friends asked me out. Sadly though, after I said no cause I didn't want to ruin our friendship, it got ruined anyways from the awkwardness.
In grade twelve I was asked out three times. Once by my best friends ex who was also one of my friends. I turned him down though to respect my friend, and I wasn't ready for a relationship. The second time was by a known druggie. I turned him down for obvious reasons. And the third time, I should have said no.

All of my friends had been in multiple relationships. Some of them had even had pregnancy scares. So with me not even having my first kiss at seventeen, I felt like a loser. I let the pressure get to me, and I caved. I allowed myself to become this person's girlfriend.
I feel the name of my ex shouldn't be said, but if you know me, you know I've only had one boyfriend, so you probably know who he is anyways.

I first met Jeremey in social studies, but never really paid attention to him at all. I was there to see my friends and do work, and that was it. And plus I sat in the front right corner and he sat near the back left corner.
When the new quarter started though, I had English with him and my friend Brittany. The first week we kind of sat wherever, but at the same time, we had a seating arrangement. A lot of people didn't follow it though. I remember we had to do a project, I don't even remember what kind it was. But he sat beside me, and we just casually talked about whatever. He got along with Brittany and my other friend Will which was cool. I really didn't see him as a potential boyfriend or anything.

It's funny, cause last year I tried writing a story about this to get my mind off it, but I ended up deleting it because I was so horrified by the memories.

Anyways, eventually we sat in groups of four and I got moved from my group cause there wasn't enough room, which was stupid cause only two people sat there, and they moved someone else there after I moved. I ended up sitting with Jeremey, his friend Ash and this other girl who was never there. After a week, Brittany took over her spot anyways.
The four of us all kind of got along. Ash was difficult sometimes, but other than that, it was fine.

I should point out now before I forget that I had English in the morning for three hours, and then a spare for three hours. And since I usually took the bus home, and never felt like walking the hour walk home in the afternoon, I usually just hung out in the café for my spare.

One day Brittany didn't come to school, cause she was sick or something. So when I was sitting in the café alone, Jeremey came up and sat beside me. We talked, and he casually just sat his phone in front of me. Without thinking, I grabbed it then entered my number. Halfway through though, I asked what I was doing, cause it was just a reflex. I always liked playing with peoples phones, even though we happened to have the exact same one just in different colors.

After he had my number, we went to the library cause I planned on helping him with some homework cause he had missed a day. But I got in trouble for helping and being too loud. Which is stupid cause I was whispering. So I got kicked out and he texted me right away. I'm not the kind of person to ignore a text, so I kept texting back.

When he came out and to the cafe, we just talked, and texted which was stupid cause we were right beside each other. Less than two feet away. It was ridiculous.

This went on for about two weeks, and in that time period I realized that I liked him. I think in reality though, I think I liked the fact that I could have a boyfriend. If I could go back in time, I would kick myself repeatedly in the face. But since I can't do that, I'll just stick with hating myself forever.

I remember he asked to come over once, so I said sure. We just watched tv on the couch, and texted cause my mom was in the room and he was too afraid to speak. And once again, we were right beside each other.

Then for the first time in my life, I decided to be brave. I was going to tell him that I liked him. Keep that word in mind. Liked. Okay? Thank you.
But when I told him I had to tell him something, he guessed it and said he knew. I don't even know how cause I didn't tell anyone. We were unsure if we should stay friends or not, so he said we could talk about it at school. He meant text.

At school though, he totally avoided the subject. So when I brought it up, he texted me that we would wait a bit again. He finally brought it up when I was in Fort Macleod. I think we were cleaning my old house that day.

The way he brought it up, I should have known then that this was going to be trouble. The way he asked me out was just messed up. He started off declaring his love for me. After two weeks of us knowing each other. Two weeks. I should have ran, deleted his number, ran over my phone, and changed my name and face. But no, in my stupid panic attack I had in the middle of A&W, I told him I loved him as well.

Something you should know about me; I find it impossible to love someone in that way that quickly. I believe that it takes months. Maybe even years. So please, next time you see me, tell me how stupid I am. Please!

Instead though, I just stupidly mentioned the fact that we loved each other and we're not dating. I said it was funny. It wasn't. A funeral is funnier.

So with that being said, we were dating. But whenever people ask now, I just say that he said he loved me the same day he asked me out. It sounds a little better on my part. It makes me sound less desperate.

I was smart enough though to at least put off our first kiss until a week later. But when I kissed him, he laughed and said he believed that this was my first time. I'm not a lip whore. I don't kiss the first moving thing that moves. So sorry that I had no experience.

Gosh.

Then, it started getting more... Awkward is the best word for this. He would attempt to make out with me, but I would just shove him away. I didn't like it, I thought it was too soon. We had only been 'together' for a week, and only had our first kiss two days prior I think.

And then (this is the part I'm super ashamed of) we would actually make out, with one of us on top of the other. And as I type this, my cheeks are burning from embarrassment. He even reached up my shirt to remove my bra. And then I told him no.

Okay, this is the part that makes me want to shoot myself in the face a million times. I let this happen and I waited a year to finally tell my mom. This is the reason I despise so many guys. It's the reason I can't trust.

While we were laying in his bed, he put his hand down my shirt and my fucking underwear. I had the sense to stop him, but I didn't have the sense to break up with him. Okay that there is called molestation. And you're about to figure why it's so horrible, especially in this case.

Oh yeah, and in front of my grandma, he attempted to make out with me and touch my butt. FORGOT THAT PART.

Anyways, when I first tried to break up with him, he cried into the phone (yeah, I did it over the phone.) and told me that he loved me. And then he decided to add the fact that he hates people that molest people they love.
Hello idiot, what did you do to me again?

I bet you just hate yourself now. If I was you, I would hate myself too.
Yeah, I just used lyrics from a song. What are you gonna do about it?

We only dated for two months, but this was enough time for him to also propose to me. I broke up with him shortly after that.

I think this is a lesson though that you shouldn't give into peer pressure, no matter what. It's not gonna work in your favor. It's only gonna work against you.

If I hadn't been so desperate to fit in with society, I wouldn't have been sexually abused. I often don't feel safe anymore, and I'm not able to trust anyone.
It takes me a minute to prepare myself for even a hug now.