Be My Life Jacket

The days slipped through my fingers like sand. No matter how much I tried to hold on, no matter how much I denied it, my days with Landon were becoming limited. His hair vanished in the blink of an eye, but that didn't even matter to me. He was just as beautiful as ever.

I brought Sam to the hospital to visit with him. They really hit it off. I brought him newspapers, I brought him fast food so he didn't have to eat that stuff the hospital tries to pass off as food. I bought him a hat to keep his head warm and I bought him fuzzy socks. He wasn't too happy about me showering him in gifts, but it was all I could think of to help. And since I couldn't reverse what was inevitable, it made me feel better to know that I was helping somehow.

And the last thing, I couldn't say those three words enough. Every time I told him that I loved him, it almost seemed as if he was gaining his strength back, but I knew better. And I knew that I knew better, but it didn't stop that little stream of light from shining through the window, that little ray of hope from puncturing my chest. And that's what it felt like too, every time reality came crashing back. That every time I hoped he'd get better, I'd realize the truth, and my heart felt like it'd been slashed open and sewn up haphazardly.

I wanted to badly to just be his life jacket, like he’d done for me.

"Micky." Landon croaked through chapped lips. He wet them as a tear streamed from his left eye. That meant he was in pain.

"Hmm?"

I cupped his face from my position on the bed in front of him. His IV tube was laying on top of me, but it didn't bother me much. I dragged my thumb under his eye, disposing of the rogue droplet.

"I tried to be strong. I tried to act like I was fine." Landon told me. "But I'm scared. I don't want to die." he admitted.

"You won't have to suffer anymore." I said. "All the pain will just disappear and you won't have to worry about a thing."

"Promise me one thing." His eyes were wet and pleading. Not only were his under eyes dark, but so were his irises. They'd lost their light. I nodded in response. "Finish my bucket list for me."

“Of course.” I nodded vehemently. “Where is it?”

“Sheryl has it.” He replied, eyes closing, revealing dark eyelids.

“Hey, don’t be falling asleep on me.” I chuckled, nudging him playfully.

“Micky, I love you.” He mumbled, voice scratchy, like he was recovering from a cold. If only it was just that.

“I love you too.” I replied. “Now open your eyes.”

“I can’t. It’s too hard.” He whispered. “Eat lots for me and take care of yourself. Thank you for everything.”

I grabbed his hand desperately. This couldn’t be happening. “Landon, stay strong. Just hold on a little longer.” I rapped frantically on the ‘Help’ button above the bed. I kissed Landon in every place I could reach. “Don’t go. I need you.”

Tears were streaming violently as I pulled him as close to me as I could get him. His body was becoming cold and stiff. I tried everything I could think of to get him to come back. His chest stopped rising and falling and his warm breath stopped warming my neck. The beeping that I’d become accustomed to faded away before becoming one annoying beep, cutting through the silence like the knife in my chest.

I refused to let go. I promised to fulfill his dying wish.

And most importantly, I became his life jacket, hugging him for dear life, guiding him to the shore of peace.