Maybe We're Not Meant To Be

The rain had been absolutely pounding against my car when I’d pulled up to the rat shit apartment that Arrow called ‘home’ I had hoped to find Nyk there. I had no such luck.

The door was unlocked and opened quietly, no movement or noise was heard from inside. I walked quietly through the halls, searching for any sign that Nyk might still be here. Any tiny iota of his existence here would make my heart stop pounding so painfully against my ribcage.

Finally once all rooms had been checked, I realized that Nyk really was gone. He wasn’t coming back this time. Not now, not ever. He’d chosen Arrow, and for that I don’t think I’ll ever forgive him. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, believe me I did. But there is just a part of me that screamed that letting someone get that close to me again, was a bad thing. Because like every other time, it’d blown up.

And in the end, I was the only one that got burned.

This is what I get for starting to care. This and a whole lot of whiskey. Andy sat next to me, attempting to talk to me through the liquor induced haze I was in. She was trying to make sense of what was going on, but frankly I was done talking with people. I was done being around them, and I was done expecting anything but more pain from people.

The world I lived in wasn’t fair. Did I care anymore? No. I had, at some point, deluded myself into thinking that everyone was going to be okay. That my life was stable and that I could handle it. Was I wrong? Fuck yes. The world wasn’t fair and some people were just born with tragedy in their blood, like me. These things that happened, this shit that came down on my head, most of the time I could deal with it. But when it came to Nyk I had never been good at it.

Had I just let him walk out of my life? Probably, did I think I should go look for him? Every damn day. Did I? Fuck no.

I’d shut up and shut down. Not even Rain could get me to do much other than drink now. But he called it a ‘coping mechanism’ I don’t really remember much of what happened after I found out Nyk left, willingly, with Arrow.

I remember Rain’s whole body shaking as he kept a hold of me. I remember coming to in an entirely different room than the one I’d been in. I remember…I actually don’t remember anything other than that. I just remember seeing Rain looking…terrified and after that…nothing. I don’t remember anything before that really either.

It was like I was gone, and someone else took over my body. From what I gathered the entire place had been trashed, I briefly wondered who would do that, when the answer hit me rather hard. Me, I would do something like that. Or rather…I’d do something like that when pissed off…a lot.

I shut down after waking up, just felt…numb, all the ‘progress’ I made only made this that much harder.

A while has passed since Nyk left. A lot of things had changed. I’d changed, I’d gotten angrier, more violent and a whole hell of a lot stronger. I’m numb, but not immune to Rain. Not immune to the looks he gives me, or the way he’s just always there. Rain is the one thing that no matter what was always dependable through this all.

Ryder and Andy remind me too much of Nyk, too many things are attached to them that were once attached to Nyk. They still come around, but…less frequently than they used to. Nyx…I haven’t heard anything from him than the call that made my heart stutter step. I used to watch patiently to see if something would change, if my phone would ring, if a letter would come. But then…like everyone else, I gave up hope.

There wasn’t really any hope to be had, he was gone and I knew this. I knew it from the very depths of my broken and shattered soul that Nyk wasn’t ever coming back. And if he did…he’d be a different person than he was. I doubted I’d even recognize him anymore. If he stood right in front of me, I’d probably stare at him and not know who he was.

I’m not an idiot, but I haven’t seen the real Nyk in a very long time. Only at certain points does my subconscious bring him up. Only when I’m sleeping does my mind feel free to torture me. I rarely sleep anymore; I’m running on a few hours here and a cat nap there. Rain is starting to worry again; I’d gotten good at hiding it. Now, he’s starting to figure it out. With unerring precision I have no doubt I’ll soon be in a mental hospital, with all the nut jobs. I’m not insane, really I’m not. I just can’t stand to see Nyk in my minds eye.

I hate that I can’t stop thinking about the ‘what ifs’ I used to pride myself on being cold, calculating and making sure that no one could ever hurt me. Years of physical and mental abuse and strain hadn’t managed to break me. So why was it so easy for Nyk to slip under the armor I wore and shatter every piece of me?

My eyes closed as pain assaulted me again. And then I felt the spot next to me sink down a little. I’d been lying here thinking for what seemed to be hours. Maybe that was just my mind torturing me again. My muddy golden hazel eyes opened and turned towards the source of the added weight. Rain sat in the space between my arm and my torso. The heat radiating off his knee was enough to sear my side. I blinked at him and slowly sat up. His blue eyes followed every move I made, almost like he was watching for some telltale sign of damage.

I blinked again, opting to remain silent, I knew it annoyed him when I did, but it made it easier on me.

“Can you please talk to me AJ?” He only called me that now because he could. The only people that had gotten away with it before were my family, and occasionally Nyk.

“Why?” My voice remained quiet, low even for me. Rain shifted slightly and his legs stretched out alongside my own, his hands pressed flat against the mattress holding his torso up.

“Because, I can’t stand it anymore, I’ve tried to play the waiting game, but I just can’t anymore. Sixx this is killing me, hell it’s killing everyone; you’re…not you anymore.” His voice trailed off slightly at the end. I brought my eyes around to his and found that the pain there mirrored my own, only this was slightly different.

“What do you want to know?” My voice seemed to choke me in the middle of the sentence, making it hard for me to breathe past the lump. Rain’s body shifted and he flipped over on to his stomach, his hands folding over each other and his chin resting on them.

“Do you remember what happened after you went to the apartment?” His voice was soft, something I hadn’t been expecting. My head shook ‘no’ and he sighed softly “you were really angry, or maybe it was that you were hurt. I couldn’t exactly tell, but you scared me. I’d never seen someone look like…that before in my life. And I’ve seen a lot of things.” And there it was the reason that he’d been so afraid.

“That’s the only part of that that I do remember.” My voice was slightly hollow “what?” Rain sat up and looked at me curiously.

“I remember seeing you, looking really afraid and you had a hold of me, and after that…it was just nothing.” The words seemed to come out and it felt like a little bit of the weight on my chest had lifted. Not enough to breathe properly, but enough. Rain stayed where he was, but there was something different about him. I couldn’t figure out what, but it was there. His black hair was without the blonde chunks he used to have. His blue eyes were brighter than I remembered them being. I knew Rain he was home to me now.

The drugs had left my system, the liquor was a necessity still, but he was always there. Long after he’d told me a little bit about what had happened that night he was asleep. I watched him quietly for a little bit before getting up and leaving the apartment quietly. It was around noon, though for me the whole schedule I’d had had been shot to hell. I didn’t run on the same one I used to. I slept whenever I could now, ate a little more than I used to and took out everything inside of me in a strict workout routine I’d formed.

Too raw to drive my car still I walked a little ways until I found a salon of sorts, walking in I chuckled lowly as the women stared. One of the hair dressers walked up and asked if I had an appointment, shaking my head simply she grinned and tugged me into a chair asking if she could do what she felt like with my hair. Apperances didn’t matter much to me so I shrugged and allowed her to change much of my hair. My bangs still covered my eyes, shielding them from view, though my hair was longer now and she’d somehow managed to keep it the jaw/shoulder length it was and spiked the back up.

“There,” she grinned and my snake bitten lips smirked in return “how much?”

“You were in desperate need of that, so it’s on me…if I can get your number.” She was good. I chuckled and pulled out my phone handing it to her and shifting the chair with my boot covered feet to face her. Sitting I was just an inch or so shorter than she was. Standing I was definitely taller. She licked over her full lips and typed her number into my new iPhone before handing it back and letting me walk out of the building. My black leather jacket was hot, but it was nice to feel something other than numb. The ripped to shreds skinny jeans were nearly skin tight and yet they were more hole than anything else. I hadn’t really bothered looking at my shirt, but I guess the white one I wore was fine. It had a dinosaur on the front with ‘Bring Me the Horizon’ printed on the front. I hadn’t noticed while she’d been working, but the girl had put tiny blonde streaks in my hair. I shook my head lightly and rolled my eyes before walking up the steps of the apartment quietly and opening the door.

Rain was pacing quietly in the kitchen his eyes darting to the phone every once and a while until I snuck up behind him and stopped him from pacing with my torso. After the initial shock wore off he looked me over and his jaw dropped. Was that good or bad, I couldn’t tell.

“It’s different,” he murmured his eyes taking in the whole of my appearance; satisfied that I was unharmed he looped his arms around my midsection and rested his cheek against my sternum. I could tell he didn’t like that my bangs were back in my eyes, but he could deal with it. I didn’t like seeing my own eyes, why would someone else?

“I thought you’d gone off to wander again.” He muttered, and I recalled one of the times shortly after Nyk had left that I’d gotten trashed beyond belief and had stumbled my way to the old bridge. I hadn’t told Rain what I’d been doing there, but I’m sure he had come to the same conclusion I had, that I had been bound and determined to throw myself off the bridge. Lucky, or unluckily, for me Ryder had found me, subdued me and returned me to the apartment I was now living in. After that I’d been on pretty careful watch till I’d convinced Rain I wasn’t a threat to myself or others. We both knew what ‘wandering’ had meant and that could only mean he had been about to call Ryder, Andy, Matt and Danny when I’d walked through the door.

“Nah, I just needed to stretch my legs, trust me on that one.” He nodded and slowly I found my arms had worked their way around him. Whether it was conscious or subconscious I couldn’t tell, but for whatever reason, even if he was older than me, I thought he needed the hug to be returned. Rain may be older, may be wiser, but he was still the same person that was still afraid for my life most days. And that’s more than most people I know.

Maybe, this was why Rain had been the one to find me. Maybe it wasn’t just that he was passing by, but that not only did I need him, yes I am admitting that now, but that he needed me. The slight shaking in his frame stopped when my arms went around his body and I couldn’t help but almost crack a smile. A real one. It’d been a long time since I’d felt like I was mostly normal. Maybe this was my way of picking up the pieces.

Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to argue with it anymore.