Maybe We're Not Meant To Be

I rolled over and grabbed at my buzzing phone, unhappy about being woken up from probably the only decent sleep I’d gotten in a while I growled at whoever happened to be on the other end of the phone.

“Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Sam’s voice floated through the phone to meet my ears. Sure, once Arrow left Sam actively sought my little group of misfits out, claiming that she merely went along with what Arrow had done and that she was more afraid of what he would have done to her or Nyk to come forward. Andy believed her, as did Rain…he trusted too many people too easily. Ryder and I were a little more skeptical, Krystal on the other hand was nowhere to be found. She had vanished not long after my stunt in the hospital. I don’t know what happened to her or where she went, but I was willing her to be alright.

“I literally just went to sleep,” I scoffed at the blonde on the other end of the phone “you take ‘night owl’ to a whole other level you know that right?” I could picture her rolling her eyes at me. I didn’t respond to her as I rolled back onto my stomach, hoping to pass out on the phone so I could go back to sleep and ignore her and whoever else called me.

“Sixx, you got my text right?” I felt my gut clench tightly and bile rose up in my throat at her reminder, not only was Arrow back in town, ignoring my warning to stay the fuck out, but he’d dragged Nyk back as well. Could it get much worse? No I don’t think so.

“Yeah I got it.” I growled lowly as I kept my eyes shut, hoping that the slight darkness would make sleep that much more appealing to my overactive brain.

“So what are you gonna do?” She sounded slightly panicked, like she wasn’t sure she wanted me to do anything, but at the same time, she wanted me to rid her of Arrow once and for all. Like she was afraid he’d drag her back into his delusional and psychotic world.

“I’m gonna go back to sleep and pretend that I didn’t get this phone call, that’s what I’m going to do. Arrow will leave on his own, you said it yourself Sam, he always does.” I pointed out with a sigh, rolling onto my back as I groaned quietly. Why couldn’t I just sleep in peace? Oh that’s right, because it’s me, I’m not supposed to find peace, ever.

“Yeah, but this time I think it’s different. And…I know you still care about Nyk…” her voice trailed off as if she knew she’d hit a nerve that shouldn’t be perturbed. “What I feel is none of your concern, whether or not it’s different this time doesn’t matter to me. He’ll do what he always does; he’ll leave and if he doesn’t I’ll make him leave.” With that I hit the red ‘end call’ button and threw the phone on the carpeted floor of my room.

Lying there the hate and the anger started to surge. And I welcomed them with open arms. The drugs I’d been forced into taking made me numb, I both loved and loathed the numbed state I’d been in since my hospital incident. It freed me from the agony I lived in daily, but it kept me from feeling anything, joy, lamentation, rage, anxious. Nothing, I was completely numb to it. They’d force fed me the pills until they’d sunk into my system and I hadn’t refused them anymore. Too numb to care about how they made me feel…or lack thereof.

Rain walked into my room and crawled into the large black sheeted bed, his chin resting on his folded hands while his eyes watched me. “You look like you’re feeling better.” He said that every day, hoping for a different answer each day. The definition of insanity is doing the same actions over and over again, expecting a different outcome than the time before.

Suicidal tendencies had finally forced them to put me on the drugs that numbed me, Lithium being one of their favorites. Since it seemed to them I was a major manic depressive. Extents of time where I was angry and lashing out at every one, and times where I wouldn’t want to move for the agony I was in, the times when I attempted to end my pathetic existence. The drugs were supposed to even out my mood swings, they only made me numb all the time. A state I had worked so hard to achieve. A state I’d bled long and hard to reach. Numerous amounts of pills and alcohol had almost achieved me numbness, only to be brought down or brought back by someone or something I hadn’t accounted for.

I turned my head to look at the older, smaller man laying next to me. His blue eyes watching me carefully, sadness hinting at the edges of his vision “I know you hate them Sixx…I know you do.” I turned my head away from his sad blue eyes. Eyes that made my heart hurt, that made me want to get better. Ones that I would do anything to take the sad tears out of, I found my body doing something I hadn’t told it to. It turned towards him, and curled him against my torso, Rain curled against me quietly and I felt my eyes close. The presence of someone I trusted next to me made sleeping easier. It made the numbness I was in ease a little. I wanted something to kill me, I wanted something to take my pain away. To allow me to float in the blissful abyss of sleep forever. Nothing could hurt me there, nothing could touch me. Nothing could bring me back to this horrid existence.

Nyx and Arrow were back in town, I had to deal with that fact like I would any other, by medicating myself up to my eyeballs and pretending that they weren’t. If I was too numb to care, I couldn’t hurt over the fact that after a long while he was back. I could pretend that I didn’t hurt over the fact he left with Arrow, I could be as numb as I wanted. Rain, these drugs and a lot of alcohol would solve all of my problems, death would be preferable, but I knew Rain wouldn’t let me leave him. Rain, for whatever reason, cared about me. He took me out of the life I lived and for a while brought me into the light of a life I’d never known. I’d lived so long in the darkness that this new light was astonishing, seeing that people could actually care about each other was scary. And then I’d learned that I was not cut out for that life. I was destined to forever live in the dark.

But Rain, Rain never left my side. He never wavered when he found me in a drug and alcohol induced haze. He never abandoned me when I sliced my arms open from wrist to elbow, he never gave up on me when people told him I was a lost cause and maybe it was best to let me just kill myself off. Either way I was dying slowly, emotionally I was dead inside, but physically I wasn’t dead yet. I had too much to gain…too many people to piss off by staying alive, to die yet. But I craved it, craved death like a pregnant woman craved chocolate and pickles.

I was not going to live to see 23. Whether I killed myself off, or I finally snapped and had a psychotic break that wouldn’t let go of my mind. Whether my uncle found me and did me in, or whether my parents cared enough to put me into an institution that would leave me in a drooling dazed coma. Where I wound up, whether it was six feet under, or in a mental hospital, didn’t matter. What mattered was the fact that I knew I wasn’t going to see my twenty third birthday, and I had to ready Rain, Andy and Ryder for that fact. I didn’t know if Nyk cared anymore, I doubted he did, but I knew Sam would tell him if I were to vanish from this world. Death would be my preference; I didn’t want to live my life as a vegetable. But my parents weren’t so kind as to kill me.

I buried my face against Rain’s soft hair; he was like a puppy, soothing the ache that settled in my chest. His small hands rested on the planes of my back, easing the tension out of them and making my life seem a little less hellish. I didn’t have to talk for him to understand me. He just…understood it. He didn’t seem to mind that my anger took hold of me, he waited it out, and he didn’t mind that I rarely showed emotion. He was there, he held me when I could barely hold my torso upright…he held me together.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to put you through this. I just…I just want to die, I’m done now.” The words left my lips before I could stop them, the numbness had traveled to my brain, stopping me from thinking through the fog my mind was in. Rain’s blue eyes trailed up from my bare chest to my own eyes. “Well you said to me that you’re not ready to make nice, and if you’re not ready to make nice, you’re not ready to die.”

I stared at the man who looked up at me with eyes so sincere that I had to believe them. I, for once in a long time, couldn’t help but kiss him. I just wanted to see if that goodness inside him, if that warmth that he seemed to carry with him would somehow transfer to me. I didn’t intend to notice how much I enjoyed kissing him. I didn’t intend to realize how…scarily alive I felt. His slim fingers tangled in my hair, as I kept his head from moving, by holding on to either of his cheeks. As though it wasn’t my own to command, my body reacted to him by pulling him closer. The possessive nature that I’d had as a teenager came forth in waves, crashing onto the numbness created by the drugs and battering it. My whole world had narrowed to this. Tongues tangling in a dance of dominance, as my hands wandered under his tee shirt, across the slim planes of his torso. His short nails bit into the skin on my back, I hissed a little as I could feel his lips turning up into a small smirk, and in return I broke our kiss and dropped my lips to his throat. Nipping and biting at the skin, relishing in the noises he made.

I broke away from his skin, panting slightly as I hovered over him, staring down at the man who’d taken me in and had given me a home. Where that animalistic need to claim his mouth and body had come from I wasn’t entirely sure, but I wasn’t about to stop, not even a little bit.