You ***ing Forced Me to Say Goodbye

“I can’t do this!” Jana screamed and slammed her hands down on the table that separated her from police. First she’d been taken to the hospital and given a rape exam. It was an experience that she’d never like to relive or remember. Austin had been with her through everything, and she was grateful to have somebody to help her through the trauma of the night.

“We’ll give you a few minutes to think,” said one of the two uniformed police officers. Both of them stood then, leaving her alone with Austin. She cried and fell against his side. He put his arms around her and held her tightly against himself.

“Calm down,” he said into her hair. He was happy to have found her, but he hated that it couldn’t have been sooner. If Mike had been to the street five minutes faster, Jana would have never been raped.

“They keep asking me questions! I told them everything! Everything that happened, and there is more questions! I just want to go some place safe and warm and away from here. Away from all of their god damn questions,” she cried.

“It won’t be long before you can come home, Jana.”

“Where is Stephanie?” she asked abruptly. She’d had to force herself to stop thinking about Stephanie during the crisis. Now the child was creeping into her shattered thoughts again.

“I left her with a friend. She’s perfectly safe, Jana. Let’s just worry about getting out of here,” he said gently. She nodded.

She had not been arrested when the police arrived at the scene to find her attacker shot to death. He’d still held the hunting knife limply in his hand, and Jana’s wrists bore evidence of the ropes that once held them captive to a clothing rack. At the hospital her wounds had been cleaned and bandaged, and it had been verified that she’d been raped violently and she had killed him out of self defense and nothing else. She was safe from any criminal charges.

But she was tired and scared and talking to the police was making her nerves run raw. She’d told them that he’d forced her into his car from the street and that he’d threatened her and raped her. But he was dead and she didn’t understand why it mattered. It wasn’t like they could arrest him now. She’d shot him in the chest and he’d bled to death.

The police came back into the room soon after and she sat up straight, pulling out of Austin’s arms. The police sat across from her and she looked at them without saying anything. She couldn’t even think of their names and she had no desire to speak anymore of the attack.

“We understand you’ve had a bad night, Miss James,” the male officer started.

“Bad? A bad night?! I was kidnapped, tied to a clothing rack and raped multiple times! He was going to kill me! He made no effort to deny it. So a bad night does not begin to cover it,” she snapped. She was standing now, with tears pouring down her cheeks. Austin stood then and took her shoulders before forcing her gently into her seat.

“Calm down, Jana,” he said softly. She sniffed and wiped her eyes. She was still wearing Mike’s jacket and she took a breath to try and calm herself.

“I know it’s hard, sweetie. The only reason we need to ask you these questions is because the suspect was found dead. If any complications are to arise this way we have everything documented so you won’t get into trouble.”

“In trouble? Why would I be in trouble? For killing him?! I’m going to get in trouble because I shot the man that was trying to kill me!?”

“You won’t, we promise. That is why we are asking questions, that’s why we had you sent to the hospital for the rape kit. So that we have proof that it was an act of self defense.”

Soon she was released into Austin’s custody. He was silent on the drive home. He couldn’t help but be thankful she’d killed the “suspect” before he’d arrived to do it himself. He could hardly stand to look at her, she was so broken. He knew once he saw her standing in that hotel room, if she wouldn’t have already shot the man that had been lying dead on the ground, he’d have killed him and not thought twice. But he figured that would have probably damaged Jana more than she already had been.

Jana was also silent, sitting in the passenger’s seat with her knees pulled up to her chest. She had no tears left, and she felt like her body was physically drained of energy, and her mind of emotions. He’d be her last “client” she promised herself. She knew she could never gain trust a man she didn’t know. But she stared out the window of Austin’s SUV, taking in the darkness of the empty streets. There was certain sadness in leaving it all behind.

“It’s weird,” she said quietly. Austin looked at her.

“What?” he asked.

“The streets. They are so empty. I’m not used to seeing them like this.”

“It gets quiet on this side of town,” he said. She nodded and looked at the clock on his radio. It read 3:30 am. “Jana…I was worried about you. I wish you wouldn’t have run away from me,” he said. She looked at him.

“I didn’t want you to have to deal with me,” she said.

“Deal with you?” he asked with his eyebrows furrowed. She nodded.

“My mother made it pretty clear that I was useless. I didn’t think it was fair for me to force myself on you. You shouldn’t be responsible for me and all my fuck ups,” she explained.

“Jana, you are not a useless person. Everything you’ve done can be changed. I’ve really come to care about you. If I’m your father then I have to accept the responsibility…”

“You shouldn’t have to! Look at me, Austin. I’m a drug addict, I’m a teen mother. I’m a stripper, a hooker, and an alcoholic. All I’ve accomplished in my life was having a baby at 14, and tonight I got myself raped, almost murdered, and I killed a man. So don’t tell me I’m not useless. Because I fucked up my life.”

“Jana…” he sighed. She looked down. He pulled the car into his driveway and parked before looking at her again. “Jana, you made mistakes. That doesn’t mean you are useless. You can get your life together. You are still young.”

“My mom won’t accept me now. If she finds out about Stephanie, about the cocaine, and the…the men, she’ll ship me off to some Catholic school where they’ll condemn me to hell. And Stephanie will be given away without my permission.”

“Then stay with me, Jana. I’ll make sure you don’t lose anything. Not your daughter, or your dignity or whatever you are concerned about. I’ll put you in rehab. You’ll be okay.”

“Rehab,” Jana said with a bitter laugh. “Rehab isn’t going to change the things I’ve done.”

“But it can help you chance the things that you do,” he said. “Look, I’m going to talk to your mother. I’m not going to tell her anything other than that you are staying with me. But I need you to promise me you aren’t going to run away again. I’ll do anything and everything you need me to do, but promise me you won’t put me through that again.”

Jana didn’t say anything for a long time. She looked down at her hands and let out a shaky breath. “I promise I won’t run away again. All night long I was making deals with God. Begging him to let me get through it. And I’m still alive, so I guess I better make good on my part.” She wiped her eyes quickly. “Austin…?” she asked.

“Yea.”

“I called you daddy when you got to the hotel. You know I’ve never had the chance to call somebody daddy,” she said. She sniffed. “I hope you didn’t mind.” He looked at her.

“I don’t mind,” he said. “I love you, Jana.” Jana’s head shot up then and she looked at him with red rimmed eyes laced with watery tears.

“What?” she asked with her voice cracking harshly. He nodded.

“I know, it hasn’t been long since you showed up. But…I love you. I wish I’d had the chance to know about you when you were little. I’d have taken care of you,” he said. It seemed he was talking to himself more than to her. She looked down at her hands.

“She lied to me,” she said to herself then and realization sunk in. “For 14 years she lied to me. About everything.”

“What are you talking about, Jana?” he asked with a little bit of confusion lacing the rasp in his voice. She looked up at him then.

“You really never knew. She never told you about me, and then I showed up acting like such a bitch. That’s why she made me promise to never find you! Because then I’d know that my whole life was a fucking lie!” she cried, her voice rising with every word. New tears were filling in her eyes, and they slowly started to spill down her cheeks.

“Just calm down, Jana. We’ll work everything out tomorrow. I haven’t slept since you disappeared. Let’s go inside and rest.”

Jana nodded and let him lead her into the house. When she got up the stairs she went into her bathroom and slowly she stripped out of her clothes before throwing them into a bag and putting them in the hallway. She was going to burn them in the morning.

She got into the shower then, and as she let the water wash away what evidence it could she started to cry. The memories of the night filled her mind and she wished she could erase everything. She cried so violently that she fell to her knees, letting the water rain down on her.

Her night was filled with nightmares. More than once her screaming had gotten so bad that Austin had to wake her up. Then she couldn’t fall back to sleep. Every time she closed her eyes she could see that man, with his gun pressed against her forehead. Finally near 8 o’clock in the morning, Austin agreed to stay in her room with her and she slept with more ease.

After 3 months of sleepless nights, Austin put her into therapy. She didn’t like sitting in the office with a stranger, telling her deepest darkest feelings. She sat quietly in the chair, not looking up at the woman with a clip board laid in her lap.

“Why don’t you tell me what’s up, Jana?” said the woman. She had long black hair and soft lines around her eyes. She was a small woman, with a kind face. But Jana was afraid to put her trust in a therapist.

“I don’t sleep at night,” Jana said then. “My dad has been sleeping in my room with me.”

“Your dad seems like good guy.”

“Austin is great,” Jana said and looked down at her hands. She started to pick at something that was stuck to her jeans.

“He told me you have nightmares.”

“I do,” Jana said. “I don’t know how this is going to help. I don’t think telling you what happened to me can make them go away.”

“I might be able to help you. Sometimes it’s nice to have somebody to talk to. We don’t have to talk about what happened. We can talk about anything. Girl things. The move. Your dad told me you have only been with him for a few months.

“I moved a long time ago.”

“Who were you living with before your dad?”

“My daughter. But I think it’s better now, because my dad helps out with Stephanie a lot. I don’t always have the patience for my daughter.”

“How old is Stephanie, Jana?”

“She’s just past two. I had her when I was 14. That’s why I left my mom’s place,” Jana explained. She didn’t realize she’d opened up. It had taken her two one hour sessions of total silence, and half the third, to finally start talking.

Austin was waiting outside the therapist’s office with Stephanie. He lit a cigarette and sighed. He pulled out his cell phone. In three months since Jana had been raped, he hadn’t called Heather. He’d thought about it nearly every day, but he was sure it would cause a fight. With everything he’d been through with Jana he couldn’t handle another fight. But now he blew out a long trail of smoke with a sigh. He knew he had to call her, and with some slight hesitation he hit the dial button. It rang twice before Heather’s voice came over the phone like velvet.

“Hello,” she said.

“Heather,” Austin said gently. “We need to talk about Jana.” There was short silence.

“Jana? Is this Austin? Did she turn up again? I told you to send her back to me.”

“Heather, Jana is staying with me. She doesn’t want to…”

“I don’t give a fuck what she wants! You send her back or I’ll call the police!”

“Call them, Heather! What are you going to tell them? Your missing daughter is living with her father? That she’s safe and fed and healthy.”

“You don’t even know her.”

“Because you wouldn’t let me! If you had told me about her, Heather, she wouldn’t be such a…”

“A fuck up, Austin! She’s nothing but a useless fuck up! What would you have prevented!? From what I’ve heard you are quite the wild lunatic yourself.”

“Maybe I could have made sure she didn’t run away from home! Maybe I could have let her know somebody loved her!”

“You don’t love her…”

“I do. I love her, so much in fact that I’m prepared to do whatever I have to to ensure that she doesn’t end up back with you! So don’t fight me, Heather. You fucked me over once, I’ll be damned if you do it again.” He hung up the phone then and looked down at Stephanie. She smiled up at him. He smiled back weakly.

“Mama better?” she asked.

“Your mama s going to be okay,” he said. “She just had a bad thing happen to her.”

“Hungry,” Stephanie said then.

“When Jana comes out we’ll get you something to eat.” Stephanie nodded and played with a Barbie doll he’d bought her earlier in the day. He took a drag off his cigarette and he sighed as he realized it had mostly burned down during his fight with Heather. “God, tell me what ever possessed me to put it in that bitch,” he said to himself.

He was happy to have Jana in his life, but he was not excited about Heather. Even when they’d been together it had been a rocky relationship. She’d been difficult to please and she always wanted a fight. The first time he’d slept with her she was insisting someday they’d be married and have many children. Then suddenly she’d ended the relationship. Though he was a bit stunned when she’d decided not to speak to him anymore, he had only been hurt for a moment. Now with Jana coming into his life he was forced to confront Heather again and again.

Though his friends knew of Jana, he’d yet to tell his own parents he had a daughter and granddaughter. He wasn’t sure how they’d react. His mother had been after him about grandchildren since the beginning of his marriage, and when it ended in divorce she’d joked of how it was too bad the failure had produced no offspring.

He hadn’t even told his ex wife, though they’d remained friends. He looked down at Stephanie then and sighed. He had no idea what to do with girls. So far he’d done okay, but Jana was not always and easy road to cross. She was emotional and dramatic, and at times completely impossible. So he put his fingers through his hair.

“I need some kind of help,” he said to himself.

“Me too,” Jana said then, causing him to jump a bit from the start. She laughed slightly. “I’m finished for today, and I’ve got my appointment for next week.”

“Make any progress?” he asked.

“A little. I mostly talked about Stephanie,” she explained and put her fingers through her dark brown hair, giving it a little bit of a tousle. Austin nodded.

“I’ve been thinking…maybe you should meet my ex-wife. Maybe you could make friends with her. She’s a little older than you, obviously…”

“I think I’d like that…if it’s not weird for you. Being as she’s your ex-wife.”

“We are still good friends. She just couldn’t take waiting on me so much. It got to be difficult to keep the relationship up with me gone all the time, and her work. So we decided to give it up. But Jami is a nice girl. We just couldn’t make it work on limited time.”

“Well…I could use a girlfriend,” Jana said and nodded. “Somebody to understand some things.”

“I’ll give Jami a call. But for now, let’s go get something to eat.”

“Let’s,” she agreed. “By the way, thank you, Austin.”

“For?”

“Being my dad.”