You ***ing Forced Me to Say Goodbye

After they had finished lunch they’d gone into a clothing store. Jana felt somewhat uncomfortable in the store. It had been years since she’d bought clothes from inside a mall. When she was pregnant she had been provided with maternity clothing. She had done some shopping when she’d started stripping, but in cheap places. She’d bought clothes at Wal-Mart and Salvation Army stores. These were always good for street clothes.

So now she looked through jeans and t-shirts and tank tops feeling like anything she picked out would cost far too much. She watched as Jami periodically pulled something off a rack, examined it, and wither put it back or threw it over her other arm to try it on.

“Jana, you haven’t found anything?” Jami asked as she noticed Jana looking through a rack of jeans.

“There is some nice stuff,” she said quietly.

“So why don’t you have anything?”

“It’s so…expensive.”

“Jana, you don’t have to worry about money anymore. Austin is doing fine, I’m doing fine. Money is not an issue, babe. Just get what you like and try it on. If you like it we’ll buy it,” Jamie said and took the jeans Jana was looking at and handed them to her. Jana looked down at them and sighed. What could it hurt to try it on?

She picked up a few things and they went into a fitting room together. “It’s been a long time since I’ve done this,” Jana said with some slight laughter in her voice.

“Well, I’ll make a shopper out of you yet,” Jami said with a smile. “Come on, off with Austin’s shirt.” Jana laughed a little bit, but she was nervous when she pulled the shirt off. Her bra was old and tattered, with a few tears around the seams. The few good bras she’d had before finding Austin had been left in Scotty’s grungy apartment. The night she’d been attacked she’d not been wearing a bra, and so she’d only been left with 2 bras she’d had for many years. So quickly she pulled on a shirt she’d picked out and looked in the mirror. Jami looked her over.

“I’m not sure about how it fits your chest,” she said. Jana looked down again feeling embarrassed by what things she had. In its original state the worn bra had provided good support for her c-cups. But now they fell awkwardly in it. “Maybe you just need a better bra…” Jami said and gently pushed Jana’s breasts up with her hands. “Yea, because like this it looks good.” Jana looked at herself in the mirror and she sighed.

“This is the only bra I have,” she said then, her face flushing.

“We’ll get you some,” Jami said as if it were no big deal. “And some panties too. Then once you’ve got a nice new wardrobe, we’ll pretty you up and we’ll call your dad for dinner. He can pay for that.”

“Pretty me up?” Jana asked.

“Oh, I meant like hair, nails, make-up. That kind of stuff. You are a gorgeous girl, Jana! I honestly envy your beauty,” Jami said and tried on her own top. “And your tits!” Jana laughed then.

“I never really thought much of them,” she said after a minute. “They are just there, you know. Except when I was pregnant…then I thought about them all the time. They hurt, and they were huge and swollen and just hideous. My bras didn’t fit so most days I didn’t wear one. I know you are supposed to wear a bra when pregnant. But the group home didn’t provide them, and I had no money. But that was the only time I thought about my boobs.”

“Well, I never got boobs, and never been pregnant either. So, I never experienced that.”

“Why didn’t you and Austin have kids?” Jana asked then. “If it’s okay to ask.” Jami was quiet for a minute.

“We never had the time, really. Austin was gone a lot, and then I was working. I was a model for a long time. Mostly bikinis and lingerie and stuff. And a big pregnant lady doesn’t make much of an underwear model,” Jami laughed. Jana nodded. “Then we got divorced. I love your dad, you know. I have for a long time. But it didn’t work out. It’s just too hard being alone all the time when you are supposed to have somebody with you. We always said we’d have kids later, when the time was right. I guess the right time never came.”

“Do you ever miss him?”

Jami was quiet for a long time after that. Jana felt bad for having asked such a personal question. “Sometimes,” she said after several minutes. “Sometimes I miss him terribly. I mean, we stayed best friends. I talk to him all the time. It’s actually weird that I hadn’t seen him in so long when he called me today.”

“I guess I don’t understand marriage,” Jana said honestly. “I could never get married.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because men have never been good to me. Austin has been good to me since I found him. And his friend Mike was there when…” Jana trailed off then.

“When what?”

“He was good to me when I met him,” she said. She didn’t want to share anything else today. She didn’t want to ruin the most fun she’d had in years. Jami smiled.

“He’s a good guy too. I just think the men you’ve known have hurt you. Someday you will find someone that isn’t some creep on the street,” Jamie said and examined herself in the mirror. “What do you think of this?”

“I like it,” Jana said.

“Really? I’m not sure…”

“I think it looks good,” Jana insisted. “And I guess I might find somebody someday. But I have my serious doubts.”

“I did too when I was 16. Don’t get me wrong, I know your reasons are a lot more serious than mine were at the time. But when I met Austin, things changed.”

“Maybe,” Jana said.

“What about your daughter’s dad? What happened with him?”

Jana was quiet for a minute. She didn’t know what to say. She badly wanted to make up a lie. But lying was not going to solve the problem. She wanted Jami to love her, and she feared both options would prevent that. Finally she took a breath and said, “I don’t actually know who her father is.” It was Jami’s turn to be silent. “Please don’t hate me,” she begged at her silence.

“Hate you? Honey, please. You aren’t the only girl out there who has a kid with an unknown father. You were young, you made a mistake.”

“I wish I knew who it was. I hated growing up without knowing my dad. That is why I never gave her way. I said to myself, it was bad enough she’d have to live without a father, I’ll be damned if I let her live without a mother. I should have given her up…I was so young, and so…immature. She’d probably have a mother and a father now.”

“But she has you, Jana. You are an amazing young woman. And Austin will help you with her, and I’ll be around. She’d safe and warm now.”

“It’s a miracle that she’s even alive. After I had her on the street with no food or clothes or a bed.”

“But she is healthy, and fed, and clothes now. You really did the right thing by finding your dad. It will be okay in a little bit longer, Jana,” Jami said with a reassuring smile. “Now let’s pay for this stuff and we’ll head over to get you some under clothes.” She gathered the things that she’d liked and Jana’s things and she walked out of the dressing room with Jana following.

Once everything was paid for and bagged Jami led the way to Victoria’s Secret. Jana was both excited and afraid. So she stood in the store with her mouth open and her eyes wide.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’ve never owned anything from her before. My mother forbade it when I was still living with her. Apparently this is a place of sinners.”

“Well, two good things. You are going to own lots of things from here in a little bit and your mother isn’t here to stop you,” Jami said with a defiant smile. Jana laughed. “Pick out whatever you like.”

Jana looked around the store. She had a fitting done to see where she was in band and cup size. And she walked out of the store with five new bra and panty sets and a pajama set. “I really can’t thank you enough,” she said to Jami.

“It’s nothing really. I’m not hurting for money,” Jami said. “We need to get you some shoes and stuff for dinner tonight.” Jana sighed. “What?”

“I’ve never met somebody that did so much for me,” Jana said. “Even my mother…she would buy me a couple pairs of cheap jeans, some Converse, and 5 or 6 t-shirts on sale once a year. If my jeans wore out I’d have to ask my grandma to get me some. She always said no. I usually also got a dress for Easter, and Christmas. My mother is Catholic,” she explained. “She bought me a few skirts, but they were all like knee length. I had some miniskirts I stole from friends. I shouldn’t say stole…”

“I know what you mean,” Jami said and looked at a pair of shoes. “What shoe size are you?”

“Uh, 8,” Jana said and nodded. “That’s one thing I’ve bought a lot of over the last few years. Shoes are easily left behind if a girl is in a hurry,” Jana laughed. Jami didn’t say anything. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry. What is there to be sorry about?”

“I’m sure I make you uncomfortable,” Jana said and slipped on a pair of leopard print pumps.

“No, you don’t make me uncomfortable. I just am not sure how to respond sometimes.”

“That’s how I’ve felt for months. Like everything I say seems wrong,” Jana sighed. Jami smiled.

The rest of the day they spent shopping and in hair and nail salons. Then Jana found herself standing in front of a dressing room mirror staring at a girl she didn’t recognize. Her dark hair was freshly cleaned, the dead ends trimmed away, and the tousled tangles brushed out. It fell in soft waves down her back and shoulders. She was dressed in a knee length black dress with a low square neckline and short cap sleeves. Her legs and underarms had been waxed free of hair, and on her feet she wore the leopard shoes she’d tried on before. Her lips were red, and her eyes lined in thick black liner, her lashes coated in black mascara. Her beauty was both classic and striking.

“You are gorgeous,” Jamie said then, tearing her from her awe.

“It’s not even me,” Jana said. “This girl is much too perfect.”

“Jana, don’t sell yourself short. You are a beautiful girl.”

“But I’m not this girl. I’m just a cocaine addict hooker.”

“That is in your past,” Jami said and smiled.

“Now to call your dad so he can take us to dinner.” Jana laughed as Jami pulled out her cell phone. She hit some buttons and put the phone to her ear. “Hey Austin. Get over here and meet us at the Italian place in the mall parking lot. You are taking us to dinner.”

“Nice to hear from you,” he said with sarcasm. “How is your day going? Oh, mine is going fine. Thank you for asking.”

“Austin, you are taking us to dinner,” Jami said.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I’ll be there.” He hung up his phone. Jami laughed.

“Come on, Jana. Get your bags together and we’ll head over to the restaurant.” Jana gathered her many bags and walked out of the dressing room with Jami. She tried to ignore the looks from young boys that stood throughout the mall in groups. One whistled at her and both she and Jami rolled their eyes in unison. Jana laughed.

They loaded their bags into Jami’s car and headed to the restaurant they’d be meeting Austin at. “Those boys seemed interested,” Jamie laughed as they walked into the restaurant.

“I hate boys. Besides, they were my age. A boy my age would turn and run full speed ahead if they really knew me,” Jana said. Jami laughed and nodded.

“You are right. But you will find somebody soon enough. Somebody that will love you and your little Stephanie and won’t judge you,” she said. Jana shrugged.

“If I don’t I don’t think I’ll be upset. Right now I’m happy to have Austin. To be off the street. Off the coke,” she said and coughed. Jami nodded.

“That makes perfect sense,” she said. “I’m glad you found Austin. He needed you.”

“All I’ve done is brought him trouble and drama,” Jana said with laughter.

“She’s right you know,” said a raspy voice from behind, causing Jana to jump and spin around. She was somewhat surprised to see Austin looking back at her. “Wow…who is this beautiful girl?”

“Stop it,” Jana said.

“No, it can’t be! Jana? My Jana?”

“Mama, pretty!” Stephanie said from where she was balanced on Austin’s hip.

“Come on, Austin,” Jana said and looked down, her face blushing harshly. He laughed at her.

“You did good Jami,” he said. Jami smiled.

“I only paid for her things. She brought the beauty herself.”

“You guys are making me blush,” Jana said. She fiddled with a ring on her right hand. Jami laughed and took Stephanie from Austin. He looked at her with confusion and with a simple jerk of her head she gestured towards Jana.

“Hug her,” she mouthed when he continued to look confused. He sighed and put his arms around his daughter. Jana tensed for a moment, as if a hug was something unusual for her, and then she wrapped her arms around his waist.

“You are beautiful, Jana. A beautiful gift from God,” he said into her hair.

“I love you,” she said, her voice muffled from where she’d buried her head between his neck and his shoulder. “I love you so much.”

“Mama happy?” Stephanie asked. Jamie looked at her with a wide smile and sniffled back some tears.

“Your mama will be just fine,” she promised the little girl.

Austin pulled away from Jana then and watched her wife tears from her face. “Don’t cry babe,” he said. She smiled against her tears.

“Nobody has ever made me feel as wanted, and as loved as you do. And I can’t possibly thank you enough for that.”

“You don’t have to thank me, honey. Not at all,” he said and kissed her forehead. “Now, let’s have dinner. I hate to be with two gorgeous ladies and standing in the lobby. I can’t show you off well enough.” He put one arm around each of the women’s shoulders and they were led to a table.

After dinner Jami said goodbye and left in her car. Jana had moved her bags to Austin’s SUV and sat in the passenger’s seat while he smoked a cigarette and listened to his voice mail. He’d gotten a phone call while having dinner from a number he didn’t quite recognize. He’d ignored it, hoping it would go away, but had been disappointed by his voice mail notifications beeping. Now he took a long drag odd his cigarette and listened to find out who had called. Tension lined his jaw as the message played in his ear.

“Austin, this is Heather James. Don’t think you can just ignore my calls and get rid of me. I told you many times to send Jana home and she still hasn’t showed up. So, I was actually calling to let you know that I’m going to be in your area in less than a week. Jana will be coming home! It’s time the little whore came home and faced her consequences! So I’ll be seeing you soon. Should be interesting after all these years. Bye now.” With that her message ended. He frowned and got into his car.

“Jana…your mother is coming,” he said.