Sleeping With Ghosts

For the first time since the accident, I slept soundly through the night. I was relieved when I woke up feeling refreshed; I had to return to work the next week, and the last thing I needed was to suffer from insomnia. When I put on a pot of coffee, I chuckled to myself. The sound caught me off guard, and I was awed. I hadn’t lost the capability of feeling good things, after all. But as this thought crossed my mind, I immediately felt guilty. How could I feel even a twinge of happiness when my love wasn’t here to share it with me?

A whole new wave of mixed up emotions consumed me as I climbed into the shower. He would want me to be happy, of that I was certain. But could I be, alone? That word sent me into a panic attack, and I found myself curled up on the floor of the shower, shaking. ‘Alone’ was an awfully scary word for someone who was basically attached to their significant other at the hip.

Being in the apartment was a little overbearing. But I realized that I didn’t have to be by myself for much longer, at least for the day. I still had my coffee date with Charlie. Or, not a date, just a meet-up. I almost smacked myself in the forehead in exasperation. And then another daunting task presented itself: what on earth was I going to wear?

I hadn’t ventured out much since the funeral, and hadn’t bothered to put on anything other than pajamas. I pulled out a pair of comfortable jeans and a plain white tee, deciding that would do. He didn’t seem like he cared much about fashion, so I didn’t sweat it. I grabbed my purse and slipped on some sneakers before leaving the apartment.

The sunlight nearly blinded me, and I felt like I should hiss like a movie vampire for the effect. I didn’t feel much like driving, so I caught a cab and gave him the address of the coffee shop. I was nervous on the ride over, hardly able to sit still. I didn’t want to see pity in his eyes. I just wanted to hang out and have a semi-normal day.

He was sitting at a table outside when the cab pulled into the parking lot. I quickly paid the driver and thanked him, climbing out and trying not to trip over my feet. I felt like a little kid on their first day of kindergarten, not wanting to leave the safety of their parent’s arms. He looked up when I closed the door and gave me a big, heartwarming smile. Most of the nervousness I felt quickly evaporated as I walked shyly over.

Charlie stood as I approached and gave me a big hug. “Are you holding up okay?” He asked me, as we sat down.

I gulped, afraid to look in his eyes for fear I would see what I dreaded. “Okay, I think. I mean, I have my bad days but I feel like I’ll eventually be okay, you know?”

When I finally looked up at him, he was nodding, a serious expression on his face but no sign of pity. “Yeah, I get it. Thanks for meeting up with me. Going out is probably the last thing you want to do.”

“Actually, it’s nice to be out of the house,” I admitted, leaning back in my chair and looking up at the sky briefly. “I thought the sun might turn me to ash though.”

This brought forth a laugh from my companion, and the sound was amazing. It sounded like everything good and right in the world, and I marveled at it. When I stared at him, he fidgeted nervously. “Sorry, my laugh is pretty dorky, huh?”

“No, not at all!” I said hurriedly, feeling like an idiot. “It’s just been awhile since I’ve heard laughter. And…your laugh isn’t dorky, it’s nice.”

His cheeks turned a little pink at this, and he smiled down at the table. “Oh! That reminds me, what did you want to drink? My treat, I’ll go grab it.”

Though I protested, he insisted on buying and I finally gave in. A few minutes later he was back with my pumpkin spice latte. I took an appreciative sip and then looked curiously at his beverage. “What did you get?”

“Hot chocolate,” He said smugly.

I wrinkled my nose. “Why? We’re at a coffee shop.”

He leaned in, and without thinking I did the same. “Can I tell you a secret?” He said in a low voice, looking around hurriedly. When I nodded with wide eyes, he said, “I hate coffee.”

I was overcome with the giggles. While we drank our beverages, we talked about music and movies and everything not related to the subject that had brought us together in the first place. When both of our containers were empty and thrown in the trash, he looked at me and asked, “Want to get out of here?”



For whatever reason I had expected him to drive a nice car; after all, that was how these things went, right? Instead, the passenger door of a maroon car that had seen better days was opened for me. He smiled briefly, catching the look on my face. “She may not look like much, but she runs. And she has a working stereo.” He said the last part a bit too proudly.

Against the voice in my head yelling at me to run while I still could, I folded myself into the seat and clicked the seat belt on as he closed my door and hopped in on the other side. The car started up with a bit of a whine, but soon enough we were rolling down the street.

A million thoughts were racing around my head as I stared out the window. Though I knew only a thin pane of glass separated me from outside, it felt like everything out there was a billion miles away. It was difficult to watch the life going on out there, so detached from me. I couldn’t bear to look at the happy young couple strolling down the side walk hand in hand, smiles and glances and words meant only for each other. That was what I should have been doing – with him.

“Where to?” Charlie asked, finally breaking the silence. Perhaps he had noticed the lovebirds as well.

“I-I’m not sure,” I answered, tearing my eyes away from the window to look over at him. “Something funny?”

A small smile was on his face, and I narrowed my eyes at him. It disappeared for the most part, but I could still see it hiding in the corner of his mouth. “Ah, no sorry. How about the beach? I know this cool little spot that’s usually deserted.”

“You’re not some sort of creepy molester, are you?” I retorted, a little viciously. I’d been told my coppery red hair had something to do with that, but nothing was proven. I winced a bit. “God, sorry. I don’t mean to be a bitch.”

His iPod had been playing at a low volume in the background, but a tense silence stretched between us as the next song began to play. “She wore her wedding dress to the funeral…”

He almost swerved out of his lane as he frantically reached for the skip button. As a SOAD song started up, he looked over at me fearfully. “Oh shit, I am so sorry. Sometimes shuffle is just so inappropriate.”

My first thought was that I should punch him right in the side of his face. But the absurdity of the whole situation struck me, and I began to laugh. It started out as a little hiccup, then a nervous giggle until I was full on doubled over in the seat. He started to chuckle too, until my laughter turned into hysterical tears. “Fuck, I miss him,” I gasped out, trying unsuccessfully to turn off the water works.

The car came to a stop, and I realized he had pulled over to the side of the road. He reached over and opened his glove compartment, snatching up a few napkins and handing them to me. I accepted them without looking at him, too embarrassed to let him see my face. “Do you want to talk about it?” He asked softly.

“Not…right now,” I sniffled, wiping furiously at my tear-stained face.

“Hey, that’s okay,” He said gently, squeezing my shoulder lightly. “Do you want me to take you home?”

I hiccupped as I shook my head no. “I don’t want to be by myself right now.” I sounded like a little kid, and I hated it.

But Charlie nodded in understanding and got us underway once again. We didn’t talk, but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. He let me be, but at the same time he was right there keeping me up. Who was this guy that I felt so oddly at peace around? How did I get so lucky to meet a real life guardian angel?