Exhausted

i don't know i've always been the type who loved to try new things. it's just i never knew what to try when to try it and who to try it with. if i wanted to try something new with someone it would had to be someone i thoroughly enjoy otherwise the experience would be ruined. oh god oh god what did i do last night i can't remember all i remember is the magenta sky and a girl.

oh yes a girl i remember girls she was pretty but i don't talk to pretty girls because they ignore me and look at me like i'm a freak its a monday today. it's monday and i'm going to school I have to ride the bus. its a yellow bus a normal one with brown seats and annoying kids and a bus driver that always seems to make eye contact with me when we're driving to school. i smile but i don't want to. my eyes look sad the blue underneath is blinding to the naked eye. someone better put on some sunglasses.

i have no friends i dont talk to people i dont want to talk to anyone but i feel like i have to. i avoid it at all costs i sit alone in the library, i do homework , but i still get c's and d's i'm a fucking failiure with no friends. i'm sitting behind the school for first period i take out that fucking blunt its rolled like shit because i'm shit and i take it out and bring it to my lips. i move my short hair out of my face. my freckled face my black hair, my dark eyebrows, my green eyes. everything that's fucking unnatural. no one has black hair - but me, freckles are unique, green eyes are rare. can't ijust be fucking normal.

no i'm sitting behind the school instead of in history and i'm smoking some dope and i'm not thinking about anything because i'm not anything. i'm the speck on your windshield that's a nuicense, i'm ....the gum on the sidewalk, the tick on the dog, the mold on a ripe strawberry. nobody wants that shit.

I see a girl come up to me. she's a pretty girl she's wearing a plaid shirt and she has long brown wavy hair that i want to touch gently. but I"m unable to talk to anyone for that matter so what makees me think that i can talk to her or something i hate talking at all i hate talking so much i wish voices didn't exist and we could all live in our minds.

she sits next to me her shorts are riding up her thighs and exposing nearly all of them. its almost too much to handle for this early in the morning. but I'm high so it doesn't matter. she takes out a cigarette and looks at me. the joint is hanging out of my mouth. i think i'm gaping at her. she giggles and i turn away because i'm nervous and don't know how to respond to that giggle or anything for that matter. i'm alone so much that i think i've become used to it and unable to function around other people. i'm not functioning right now i think its just automatic, i'm on automatic right now.

she said hey i said hey back and now the conversation i think is over.

"what class are you supposed to be in."
"history, and...uh...you?"
"geometry"

i look around and there's no way out of this. i'm a fucking mess, stuck in this except i recognize her from somewhere she looked like the girl who was in my dreams or whatever she was the annoying pestering one i think im psychic i saw this comign why did i come to school tomorrow fuck me.

" i gotta go back to class sorry"

"cool" she looks up at me and i'm getting up my plaid shirt white shirt black jeans vans i'm a typical person and nothing unique but she's looking at me like i'm a specimen that's just living. i'm just living and that's it.

"see you here tomorrow then" she says and i almost die.

"sure" i say and i walk away with my awkward swag if you can even call it that. my long hair is unbelieveably long and short at the same time. its long for a guy, but would be short for a girl. i don't know how to describe it then. medium. i have to meet her at this curb tomorrow and i dont' know if i should come. she asked so i guess i have to. what a fucken rut i'm stuck in.