One Last Chance

He woke with a start, rolling on his side and feeling things crunching underneath his weight. His head felt like it were about to explode and his throat was so dry he couldn't utter a sound.

Opening his eyes, the room blurred for a moment before coming into focus. He had spent the last week in a drugged out daze, not really knowing or caring what he was doing. Luckily, he hadn't had anymore breakdowns like the other night. He had been beyond embarrassed the next morning and had kicked the boys out of his room.

Over the last week and a half, he had fallen into a sort of routine. If you could even call it that.
Get up, skip breakfast, have a glass of liquor with a few pills of some sort, write his classes instructions on the board for the day, zone out for the rest of the morning, make a pathetic attempt at eating lunch, sometimes take more pills, go through the same afternoon routine for his classes, go home, shoot up, skip dinner, and do whatever he felt like until the next morning.

He had barely slept at all and he knew it probably showed. He didn't care. It was nobody's business. Nobody gave a fuck anyways. The nasty greasy git of the dungeons had probably had his coffin destroyed, which is why he couldn't sleep. Severus glanced at the clock. It was nearly noon. Oh well, it wasn't a school day, or was it?

He cast a Tempus spell, which told him it was a Monday. Damn. He had already slept straight through all of his classes last Wednesday, but he had been able to play it off by saying he caught the stomach flu overnight. He doubted the same excuse would work again, but he was planning on trying it just the same.

Standing up, he cast a quick Scourgify charm to brush his teeth and slipped his shoes on. He was ready in two seconds flat, having been wearing his robes for Merlin knows how long. As he walked down the hallway, he spotted a figure sitting on his couch. He tried to creep by as silently as he could, but not silently enough.

"Severus!" It was Minerva. He would know that voice anywhere. Damn, he was definitely in for it now.

Yes?" He asked as she came to stand in front of him. He watched as her eyes swept over him, taking in his appearance. "I was just on my way to see Poppy, I think I've come down with another case of the flu." He lied, staring at the ground.

"Come with me." She ordered, beginning to walk toward the portrait hole. He opened his mouth to argue. "Don't say a word boy, just come on!" He followed her silently, wondering if he was about to be fired.

They finally reached the inside of her office and he turned to find that she had disappeared. What the hell was going on?

"SEVERUS!"

He jumped at the sudden noise, but narrowed his eyes as he realized where it had come from. That woman had brought him up here so the portrait of Albus Dumbledore could belittle him. How thoughtful.

"Yes?" He sighed, sitting down in the chair across from the headmistresses’ desk and looking up at the portrait.

"Show me your arms." Damn that stupid old man! Why did he have such a good memory? He was the one who had saved him the last time he had relapsed, but that didn't mean he had to do so now!

"My arms are right here, see?" He lifted them up to the portrait. He was being a smartass and he knew it, but he didn't care.

"That's not what I meant and you know it." Dumbledore said.

"There is nothing to see on my arms, so showing them to you would be pointless."

Dumbledore sighed before speaking again. "Severus, many people are concerned with you. You've been skipping every meal except for lunch, where you barely eat anything. You've now missed two days’ worth of classes, you look like you haven't slept in weeks, you stagger around the building like a drunk man, your quarters would be a mess if it weren't for the house elves and the two boys who live with you, you lock yourself in your bedroom every single night, and you haven't had any social contact in over a week. Now I beg of you, show me your arms."

Keeping a stoic expression on his face, Severus slowly pulled up his sleeves and held his arms out. Even he had to close his eyes briefly at what he saw there.

There were puncture marks up and down both of his arms, too many to count. His arms were purple in many spots from busting a vein when he couldn't get the needle in. Some of his marks were beginning to scab over, while others looked badly infected. He hadn't realized how awful it was until this moment.

"Severus." The portrait of Albus Dumbledore spoke quietly.

He just hung his head even lower, refusing to look up at the older man. He didn't want to see the disappointment that was probably lingering on his face. He didn't want to have to explain himself. He didn't want to admit that he was weak.

"Talk to me please."

"I do not know what to say..." He said slowly, pulling his sleeves back down. Albus did not reply, just waited for him to continue. "Up until two weeks ago, I was in a relationship with Remus Lupin. A relationship. Me. For once in my life, I was... happy. One night, we got into an argument. After he left, I drank myself stupid and showed up at his quarters. He kicked me out and I had a terrible hangover the next morning. Anyways, the next day was when Harry got hurt. Remus burst into the Hospital Wing and he threw me to the ground, screaming at me. He thought I....he thought I had hurt Harry like that. We
have not spoken since."

Severus looked up at this point. "Do you judge me?" He asked.

"Why would I judge you?"

He staggered over his words for a moment. "For...for being with a man. For being with...him...a good man." While homosexuality was not looked down upon as a whole in the Wizarding world, it was still not completely accepted. He had no idea what the man sitting in front of him thought about the issue.

Also, Remus was a great man. Sure he had his moments, but he was wonderful. Whereas he was nothing but a retired Death Eater who harmed everybody that ever meant something to him. It was beyond him how anybody could ever love him.

The former headmaster was shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "Although it would be completely out of character for myself, I wouldn't be able to resist slapping you upside the head if I were standing in front of you right now."

Albus chuckled as he saw the startled look on his face.
"There are many things I have never told you about my life, Severus." He was suddenly very serious.

Severus didn't say a word, just waited for him to continue. Why did he have a feeling he wasn't going to like what the older man had to say?

"When I was twenty years old, I fell in love for the first time. For the only time. It was scary. Pure insanity. I had no idea what I was doing. Neither of us did. It was also the most wonderful experience of my life. We were together for that entire summer. We learned from each other. We worked together for a great cause, or so I thought at the time. Worked together to find the Hallows. Then one night, everything changed. There was a big altercation between us and Aberforth. We all started throwing curses at one another and when the battle ended, my baby sister Ariana lay dead."

Tears were now leaking out from underneath his half-moon spectacles and there was silence in the air. Severus felt a sharp pang right in the center of his heart. He had known about Ariana. About what those terrible Muggles had done to her, about her accidental magical bursts, about how she had accidently murdered their mother. He had never known the details of her death, though. He doubted many people ever had. It was obvious that the headmaster had rarely talked about it, if ever.

He had never been a man of comfort, but he badly wished he could reach out to the man in that moment. Albus had always been a comfort to him and now it was his turn. It was his turn and he could not seize it.

He hated himself for killing the man in the portrait in front of him. He hated himself for killing the one family member he had left. He hated himself for killing the only person who had ever truly known him. He hated himself for killing the only person he had ever allowed himself to show emotion in front of or be comforted by. He wished he were dead. He would give anything to go back to that night and kill himself instead.

Without thinking, he lifted his hand up to the portrait and touched where the mans shoulder would be. Albus looked at him curiously.

"I cannot touch you." He stated.

"It's quite alright, my boy. The fact that you wish to do so speaks more about your character than actions ever could. Now where was I?" He paused for a moment. "Ah yes. We only met once more after that night. It was many, many years later. Things changed over those thirty years we went without seeing each other. The whole world changed, as a matter of fact. The one thing that did not change was my love. I still love him to this day."

Severus felt his eyes widen. "HIM?!" He exclaimed. Perhaps he had heard wrong, but it sounded as if the headmaster had just informed him that he was gay himself. There was no way in hell. Although, when he thought about it, Albus had never showed any interest in women, wore purple sparkling robes, and obsessed over his beard. Now that he really thought about it, he was positively flaming.

Albus chuckled loudly. "Yes, him. I would have thought it were obvious. In all of my years I have never shown any interest in women. Severus, my point to this story is that you cannot allow a simple happening to tear your relationship apart with another person. Things happen, people do terrible things to one another and they wish they could take it back, but they cannot. We, as humans, have to learn to accustom ourselves. We have to learn how to forget and find it in our hearts to forgive. Without that ability, we will never be satisfied. I could not find it in my heart to forgive him and by the time I did, it was too late. I have spent almost my entire life grieving over him, as you spent the last sixteen years grieving over Lily. I would have to say that my situation is worse than yours, Severus. You see, I am the reason he no longer inhabits this earth."

"Y-y-y-y-ou mean you k-k-killed h-him?" He choked out. Did he really just say that? What was this world coming to? He could never picture the other man killing somebody out of revenge. No matter what they had done to deserve it. This was Albus Dumbledore they were talking about with his twinkling eyes and those damned lemon drops.

"I would never kill out of revenge, Severus." He said, as if he could read his mind. "I would have thought that you with your brilliant mind and all would be able to figure out who this man was."

Severus thought for a moment. Albus had killed this man, not out of revenge...so that would mean it would have been in a battle...He said they didn't meet again until they were fifty...The year would have been 1945...He felt his eyes widen. No way. It couldn't be...

"You mean to say...it wasn't...Grindelwald?"

Albus nodded his head. "Ah yes, yes it was."

That was when it all hit him. What had this world come to? He knew about the battle between the two men, it was over the fact that Grindelwald was killing off Muggles. He wanted to teach them their place in the world, at the bottom of it. Albus had said that they had been working together for the greater good, or so they thought at the time. He had at one point felt the same way toward Muggles as Grindelwald, the Dark Lord, and many of the Death Eaters had. Of course he would feel that way after what those Muggles had done to his little sister. It was all beginning to make perfect sense now.

That fight...that was when Albus had obtained the Elder Wand. For all of these years, he had wondered why the old man hadn't destroyed the wand. He thought it had something to do with the war, but it had nothing to do with it. That wand was the only possession he had left of the man he loved. It was a selfish move, but he understood it.

He stood suddenly, his chair scraping back. "Thank you."

"For what, my boy?" He asked. Severus saw the twinkle in his eyes and knew that he knew damn well what for. He shook his head, smiling a little.

"I have to go find Remus."