Retarded In Love

At first, the bull riding school didn't want me to ride, because I was a girl, but after we convinced them to let me ride, Johnny and I filmed all day that day, learning what we could about how to properly ride a bull in the short breaks we had between shots. I knew that the other guys were somewhere else, shooting just as much as we were, and eventually we would all end up at the hotel and hang out until the early hours of the morning.

The next few days went like that. I'd wake up and wait for the day's plans, and shoot all day. Some of it was with Johnny, and some of it I was just there to watch. Around nightfall we'd all decide what we were going to do. Sometimes, we split up, and some went to bars, some went to clubs, some slept, they did whatever they wanted to do. I'd hang out with them for a while, but find my way back to my hotel room and sneak Billy in. We'd have sex, and then he'd leave. I'd go to bed, wake up the next morning, and start all over.

Billy and I's relationship was nothing like David and I's relationship, if it was even a relationship at all. We had talked about it, and neither of us wanted a complicated relationship, neither of us wanted any strings, and surprisingly, I wasn't attached to Billy, and I didn't think he was attached to me. I bet he thought he was taking advantage of me, but he didn't know I was taking advantage of him as well. In some aspects, it was wrong, but it was our decision. We were two adults who understood completely what we were doing. The hardest part was keeping it a secret. Liz was the only one who knew...

Speaking of Liz, she and Bam had gotten pretty close. A lot of the time she would come along and film with us, or Bam was talking to her on the phone. I'm sure that their relationship was nothing like Billy and I's. Liz wasn't that kind of person, she was a real people person and she instantly hit it off with Bam and the guys just like she had instantly hit it off with me. Liz replaced Maria quickly, and I told her everything... Well, almost everything...

I was still sick. I was constantly dizzy, and I didn't know why. Every morning I would wake up with a pounding headache. I didn't know why. It could have to do with the sudden stress I'd gained. It could have to do with me hitting my head a lot, just like Bam had said. I didn't know. One thing I did know, is that eating changed the way I felt. Sometimes it would make it better, sometimes it would make it worse. Sometimes I would avoid food all together because I was scared it would make it worse. I just couldn't figure it out, but I had gotten good at hiding it. I'd push the dizziness into the back of my mind and fight off the headaches, take pain killers whenever I could and blame it on the falls I take on a daily basis.

I remember one morning when it wasn't that bad, and I was extremely glad, because I was going back to West Chester that day to do some filming. We were all splitting up. Jeff, Trip, Cliver, Kosick, Elyashkevich, all of the crew and cast were splitting up in an attempt to get some things filmed faster. Bam, Dunn, and I were supposed to go back to West Chester and plan some bits, then wait for the crew to show up so we could shoot.

I laid in bed that morning, replaying the past week or so over in my mind. I did that a lot. Replay my life, think of what happened, what could had happened, what I wish would have happened. I try to remember exact words, exact everything. I don't know why, it was something I always did...

One thing seemed to stick out to me, and that was Steve-O. He had been so straight forward the first couple days, then apologetic when he thought I had a boyfriend, and then was right back to his straight forward self. That day at the river on the tail gate was the last time I had really spoken to him. It struck me as odd, but I didn't really mind. One less problem I had to worry about.

I got up to take my shower, but when I was almost to the bathroom there was a knock at the door. I jogged over and peeked through the blinds, and there stood Steve-O, stomping a cigarette out on the sidewalk. 'Speak of the devil...', I thought to myself as I opened the door. Steve-O smirked and pushed passed me. I closed the door and watched as he looked around a bit.

"Where's Billy?" He walked over and sat down on the chair.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ran my fingers through my hair lightly.

"Ellie, I know about you and Billy. I see him coming or going almost every night when I'm out smoking."

I glared at him. "You better not tell anyone, or I swear I'll-"

"I'm not going to tell anyone, but I was just thinking, you skipped my turn."

I gave him a puzzled look.

"You totally lead me on, and then started with that Billy dude after Dico left. It's no big secret, Ellie. You're hot as hell."

"I'm not going to sleep with you just because you ask!" I turned away and started to pack one of my bags.

"That's not what I'm asking."

"Then what the fuck do you want?" I turned to him, annoyed.

"I'm just saying, Ellie. We're not always going to be where Billy is, and I know you're not the type of girl to pick up some random guy at a bar or something. My offer still stands."

And with that, he got up and walked out of the hotel room. "What a jerk!" I yelled as soon as he shut the door. I grabbed a pair of clean clothes and went to take my shower, mad as hell.