Dance With the Devil

The party scene was not my forte. I liked to go to parties every once in a while, but every time I was at one, it only reminded me of why I didn’t like them. The music was always a really crappy excuse for house music, and everyone liked to keep the lights off and pretend like they could see in the dark. I could feel that as I was walking across the room that I was stepping on cups, beer bottles, and spilled food. I think I might have even stepped on some poor shlub who passed out on the floor. I couldn’t even see where I was going, though it really didn’t matter much because Aubrey had a death grip lock on my arm pulling me behind her. She was so desperate to see Axel.

When Aubrey got to the poolroom door and pushed it open, it was like opening the pearly gates and walking into heaven. Compared to the last room, it was so bright in the poolroom, so much so that it practically blinded me for a few seconds when we first walked in. When I gained my vision back and looked around, I didn’t see as many people as in the previous room. Altogether I’d say there were about fifteen people crowded around the two pool tables. There were classic rock songs playing in the background like in a real pool hall, and off to the side was a group of guys talking to some drunken girls basically about to rip their clothes off. I tried to focus at the matter at hand.

“I see Axel.” I heard Aubrey say beside me, as she was trying to look over the people in front of her. She was such a tiny little thing. “He’s over there, by the farther table.” She pointed, though it really served no purpose since I couldn’t see past the kid standing in front of me. I nudged her slightly to get out from behind the guy, and then began scanning through the new faces that I saw.

“Where?” I asked when I hadn’t seen him, though as soon as the words left my lips I saw him. It was his eyes, actually that caught my attention. He had been bent over and focused on the cue ball on the table, though from the way the neon light glowed from behind him, small tendons of rays of light caught the mossy green of his eyes and illuminated them, making them appear as if he had an emerald itself lodged behind his eye socket. I hated how much his eyes glowed when his personality was so shady.

“Over there.” I heard her say beside me, as she pointed again, though trying to point harder this time as if it would have any effect to where my eyes really went. Without a word she began to walk over to him, and I suddenly became uneasy about our whole little “plan.” Though, begrudgingly, I followed.

As we slithered in and out of the crowd of people around the table, it looked like it was getting to be the end of the pool game; who was winning I couldn’t tell. There was only the eight ball left on the table, and both Axel and some other guy, who I didn’t recognize, were fighting over landing it in the pockets first. I watched the other guy as he took his shot. He had short sandy blonde hair, with caramel colored eyes. His mouth was a stern line, and even as he wore a varsity jacket for what looked like a football team, it was evident that he had extreme muscles. All in all, he was an attractive looking guy, but everything else about him was screaming to me that he had a horrible personality. He shot the cue ball, and it looked perfect until it stopped short of the pocket at the last second, making it a jokingly easy win for Axel. Nearly everyone in the room started yelling or laughing, depending on who they were cheering for. With that sly smile he had, Axel merely pushed the ball in and, as his little fans clapped, the other guy threw his pool stick down and stormed out of the room. Hence proving that he didn’t have a good personality, or at least that he was a sore loser.

While I was watching the last couple of minutes of the game, I hadn’t noticed that Aubrey had slipped away from me. I looked behind me, half expecting to see her trying to sneak up on me, but saw only strange faces. I turned back around and started searching for her little blonde bobble head, until I saw her and her bright blue beanie over right next to Axel.

I should have guessed honestly.

I signed the smallest of sighs and made my way over to the boy. He looked differently than he had this morning when I had seen him at the park. His dark brown hair was nicely pushed over, not quite out of his eyes, but not quite hanging in them either. His head was bare tonight, beanieless, which was not something I saw very often. Still present with his classic Vans and skinnies, he had on a black and white baseball t-shirt that seemed too light for Denver weather this time of year. His nose stud gleamed off the light. When I walked over, Aubrey had been saying something to him, that just didn’t seem to hold his attention, and seemed a little relieved when he saw me, which I wasn’t sure if I liked or not.

“Oh well look who it is.” He gave a sarcastic smile. I furrowed my eyebrows at him.

“Hi to you too.” His smile faded and for a spilt second, he just stared at me. It was a bare stare too; there was no message behind it, no facial expression. I thought he zoned out.

“So,” Aubrey’s light voice popped in after a moment that felt longer than it should have. Axel blinked back to life though he kept staring in my direction. “That was some game. You’re pretty good at pool.” He turned to face her now, tossing her a freebee smile, one that someone has whenever they get complimented.

“Thanks. I mean I must admit I’ve spent my fair share of time in a pool hall. I mean, how do you think I paid for my first car?” He chuckled at the end of his sentence, and turned back to look at me as well. I scowled at him.

“You played pool for money?”

“Hustled actually, if you must know.” He had a very generic bad boy smile. Nothing about this guy was original.

“Your parents must be so proud.” He didn’t say anything, just walked over to the other side of the pool table where the blonde guy was and grabbed a wad of money that I hadn’t even noticed was laying there until now. He walked back over to me and Aubrey counting the money out loud. “You’ve got to be kidding me, right?” He looked up for a second then went back to the money. “Did you just hustle that guy who just stormed out of here too?” As he counted, his voice and words stopped somewhere around $30. He began to put the money into his pocket as he looked at me.

“You catch on quick.” I looked over at Aubrey, who was staring at Axel, most likely at his eyes, which still seemed to be glowing. They kept catching my attention too. I glared at them.

“I didn’t ask for sarcasm.”

“Don’t say stupid things then.” It was amazing how quickly Axel could get on my nerves. I looked over at Aubrey, who had her gaze on me now, and a small smile on her face like she wanted to laugh at what he said.

“I dunno Bree, maybe he isn’t the guy for the job after all.” Aubrey made a small, choking laugh.

“Don’t be overdramatic Kar. He’s fine for it.” Axel shifted his weight in an awkward way, not the normal left foot to right maneuver, but it was more of a backward to frontward weight shift. His face was puzzled.

“What job?”

“Do you think you’re mature enough to try and keep Nick away from me? I know he’s here, and he’s drunk and he wants to talk to me and that’s just not a good idea.” A smile began to slither through his thin lips, and I began to regret asking him.

“What’s in it for me?” I looked over to Aubrey for help, since it was her idea to ask him. I gave her a tired look.

“Please Axel? Just do this for Karlee. And for Nick too. He would just end up making a fool out of himself.” Axel looked down and chuckled.

“Pretty sure he already checked that one off his list.” Suddenly a pang of pain washed through my entire body. I now saw yesterday so clearly. It had all started out so normal. Picking Nick up from school, going to school, holding hands and kissing in the hallway. Driving him home afterwards, and kissing in his house, and remembering that I wanted more. Then Axel’s call. And everything went downward from there. The fight Nick and I had at his house, me storming off and going to Aubrey’s. Then driving around searching for Axel’s house and trying to apologize to Nick, the boy I loved more than anything, and finding him kissing another girl. It raced through my mind over and over again until it was just a silent movie that I had memorized. It felt like time was passing quickly, but only a few seconds had passed in reality. Reality. That word was losing meaning with every breath I took.

I suddenly wanted to cry. And not just one of those ‘I lost my boyfriend’ cries. It was one of the loud wailing, violent shaking kind of cries. I could feel it tingling in the back of my spine, beating to the sound of the bass in the music playing overhead. The music grew louder and louder, competing with the booming of my heart in my ears. It suddenly hit me then like I had been punched in the stomach.

No air.

I could feel the air around me, I could see the smoke in the room from the bongs and lit cigarettes, but I couldn’t get any in my lungs. I began to inhale hard and deep, but nothing. It was like I would take it in, then push it all right back out. I grabbed at myself, one on my stomach, the other around my neck even though it felt as if everyone in this room had a hand around my neck. I saw Aubrey’s smile quickly disappear, but morph into more of a confused and concerned face. I didn’t bother to look at Axel.

My body knew what was happening, but I couldn’t process the thoughts through my brain to relay to my mind what I needed to do. I saw the floor getting closer, until the message was finally received.

Panic attack.

I used to get them all the time when I was younger, and they would come for all different reasons, and almost always out of nowhere. Nerves, paranoia, claustrophobia. Whatever it came for, it needed to go. And I didn’t have time to think about what to do. So I did the only sensible thing that my body could think to do. I ran out the door.

Running back into the room that was as black as night was not my smartest idea. But I wasn't really in control of anything at the moment, much less my own actions. My legs carried me across the floor littered with red plastic cups and liquids of all sorts that I didn’t care to find out what they really were. I surprised myself with my own agility, jumping over people and running faster than I ever had in gym class. The back door to Holly’s house was wide open, and I could already feel the cool Denver wind at the door as I ran straight to it. The icy wind hit me straight in the face, and nearly knocked me over. Still without control over my feet or body in general, I didn’t stop running when I got out the door, but I didn’t keep going much further either. Holly lived nearly on the border of city and forest, and behind her house sat a hundred tall trees looming aside the entire neighborhood. It would have looked a little scary if you stared at it, but I only got a mere glance of it from the outside before I was emerged in the dark again, now surrounded by the uncertainty of wilderness. I could feel that the temperature had dropped a significant amount within the time I was inside Holly’s house, which wasn’t long at all.

Something grabbed at my leg and I was suddenly on the ground. My knee was the first thing to hit the dirt, and I either heard my own bone break or a twig snapped in half, but I couldn’t decipher the two apart, and I was still filled with so much adrenaline that I couldn’t feel any pain at the moment if there was any. I started to take deep breaths, feeling the air moving back into my lungs finally. Panic attacks never really scared me; it was just the amount of adrenaline that started to surge through my veins all at once, and without warning that really got to me. The up and down of my chest began to resume a normal speed after laying in the dirt for a good few minutes.

I was still lying down, and I wanted to stay down, but the throbbing in my knee started now that I had feeling back. I slowly sat myself up and turned myself so my back was to the earth. I put my hand on my knee, and it stung immediately, but I could tell that nothing was cracked or broken, most likely just bruises and cuts, and a sprain at the very worse.

I looked at the trees around me. It had been so long since I had submerged myself in the forest, though I didn’t really think the next time I did it would be because I was dying from lack of air and then tripping over god knows what. The trees were black lines against a gray canvas, and it would have looked beautiful and very peaceful if I wasn’t stuck out here. I tried to straighten out my leg. A burning sensation crawled up from my right knee and I instantly refrained and bent my knee as it was once again.

I thought of yelling, or screaming, or calling Aubrey from my phone, but none seemed like a good idea. So I simply lay on the earth and stared at the bit of sky that I could see through the trees. My arms were extended and my fingers crawled at the dirt, getting fistfuls in my hands and then releasing it. My mind wandered, and Nick was becoming the default for my wandering mind.

It was hard for me to think about him without feeling like I was a huge contradiction. I missed him like crazy and not talking to him the entire day was so foreign that it felt wrong. But I knew I had to stand on what I said to him yesterday. He wasn’t good for me. He had cheated on me and hurt me, and letting him back in would only destroy me in the long run. But my heart ached. It ached for his fingers in mine, for his chin resting on my shoulder when he hugged me from behind, for his quiet pecks on the cheek when I least expected them. My heart didn’t care about the long run, it only cared about him.

I thought back to my mother’s own words.

It’s the little things you miss when someone leaves.

I wished her words weren’t true, that I could sit there in the dirt and laugh at the stupidity of it, but I couldn’t really deny them when there were tears running down my cheeks. I hated myself for crying for someone who hurt me so badly.

I lost track of real time, and started to measure my time in the woods by how many times I had cried. I would cry, then stop and tell myself that I shouldn’t be crying, but then I would begin to let my mind wander and rinse and repeat.

I had guessed that maybe an hour passed, and I was beginning to feel hopeless. It shocked me to some extent to think that no one was looking for me, or that Aubrey hadn’t called me, but then again Aubrey knew me well, and knew that when I was upset I wanted to be alone. But I had overthought everything and was growing sick of myself. I was wearing thin, and figured I would call her to come and help me since I couldn’t walk. I had tried to get up a few times after my fits of crying, with no luck and just more of a fiery burning in my knee. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket, to see that either I had sat on my phone wrong and accidentally turned it off, or it died.

I prayed it was just turned off.

I began to think what I would do if it had died. I would be stuck out here, trapped, abandoned. I couldn’t walk, and the forest was dark enough to get lost in even if I could. And with that, I had somehow forgotten that I was in a wild forest and that wild animals, like wolves, lived in these forests. I had never been scared of the wolves, I still wasn’t now. I knew they were more afraid of me than I was of them. Though I couldn’t begin to think of the other animals. Coyotes were much more outgoing than wolves around these parts. And less human friendly.

My phone turned on. I had simply accidentally turned it off. I had never been so happy to be holding my crappy little phone in my entire life.

I called Aubrey. She answered on the third ring.

“Oh my god Karlee finally. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for the last hour. Where the hell did you run off to, and why did you run off so quickly? You looked like you had just seen a ghost.”

“I was having a panic attack. I couldn’t breathe. So my only instinct was to get outside. I’m in the woods in the back of Holly’s house.” I heard her give a little huff.

“Well come back in, I’m still here. Eli had to go, but I’ve been here waiting for you.” I made a soft groan as I repositioned my leg.

“I can’t walk. I tripped over a rock or a root or something when I was running in here, and I’ve been in the same spot since. I think I might have sprained my knee, or even broken it, I don’t know. All I know is that it hurts like hell and it’s too painful to walk on.” I heard people talking behind her, and she didn’t say anything so she must have been listening to whoever was talking. She then made a shushing sound and made a noise like she was moving out of an uncomfortable position.

“The woods? Of course you’d be in there. Kar, I can’t go in there, especially not at night.” She paused for a moment. I had forgotten that Aubrey was scared to death of the woods. When she was younger she had gotten lost in there for nearly a whole day, and in that time she was attacked by two coyotes three different times. She never got over it, and still won’t go in the woods. She hasn’t since. “I can get someone else to go in for you though.” I furrowed my eyebrows even though no one but the trees was around me to see it.

“Like who? You said Eli already went home, and everyone else there is drunk off their ass.”

“I’ll get Axel to go.”

“Never mind. I’ll crawl back. Or I’ll die out here. Either is a good alternative.”

“Oh come on.” Her voice was a little harder. “Just suck it up and let him help you.” She must have turned her head to talk to Axel, or someone else because her voice became muffled.

“He’s coming now.” She said after a minute.

“Oh goodie.” Someone called her name from further away, and she told me that she would talk to me once I was back under a roof and hung up. I sat there in the dark forest waiting for Axel, with hardly a thing on my mind after having so much to think about. Anyone would have been better than Axel coming to get me.

Even Nick.