Dance With the Devil

I wasn’t really sure how far away from the house I had run, or how long it might take Axel to find me. I thought a few times about maybe calling out or having my phone play a loud ringtone or something, but each time I decided against it. Part of me didn’t want Axel to find me. It seemed that every single time he saw me recently, I looked like some loony that has just escaped intensive care, and I was tired of him seeing me and mocking me for it.

It had seemed that in these past two days, which seemed so much longer than just two days, I had been alone a lot. I was lying on the dirt again, when I had been sitting upright to make the call to Aubrey. I was tired; I hadn’t gotten much sleep the night before. I had ended up crying myself to sleep, a notoriously cliché thing to do after a breakup. I closed my eyes, though with no real intent of sleeping. I just simply wanted to rest for a moment, to stop and slow down and just breathe. Despite my hurt and now throbbing knee, it was relaxing to lay on the wooded floor, to be surrounded completely by such natural beauty. I could hear a wolf start to howl, though I didn’t worry. It was a faded howl, meaning the wolf, and the pack that soon joined into the chorus, was miles away. The wolves and other wildlife that lived in Colorado never frightened me anyway. I had never been afraid of animals, even ones that had the ability to rip my body to shreds.

I started to hear branches and fallen leaves rustle around me. It was evident that something or someone was nearby. At first I thought it was Axel, every logical human being sense in me told me that it was. I opened my eyes and sat up, expecting him to try and jump out of the shadows of the trees and startle me, though nothing happened. The sounds stopped, and I became on edge. I could feel eyes on me, whether they were human or animal was something else. I scanned my immediate area, but I saw nothing other than just the forest. There was no sign of anything anywhere. But it was still that tingling, prickling, nerve clenching feeling of having eyes on you and not knowing who they belonged to.

I felt like I was being hunted.

I heard the smallest of rustling in the leaves and turned my body around and slowly I turned around. Then I saw it. Or, rather I saw the eyes. They were a deep and bold amber-gold color. They caught the very faint light of the moon, and that was all there was; eyes floating in the dark that didn’t have a face to name. But I didn’t need the face. I could tell it was a wolf. But I still didn’t get scared. It was merely sitting there, a good four or five yards away from me, just watching.

I didn’t move a muscle, not out of fear, but out of the fact that I didn’t want to frighten the wolf away. I had always found wolves to be so fascinating, but I had never seen one this close before. I could see its body a bit better now, if I squinted a little. Its muzzle was a white that faded into a brown for the rest of its face, and its body fur was a mixture of brown and black. The paws were white, with a reddish tint to them.

I still wasn’t scared.

I kept my gaze locked with the wolf’s. It was like we were having an unspoken conversation, a telepathic exchange. It was a weird feeling, in all honesty. It felt like this wolf was looking into my soul, into me, deeper than anyone else, or even I had ever bothered to look. I was seeing my own life reflected through the wolf’s eyes. And that scared me, more than the dark, or the woods or even the wolf itself ever could.

I saw the story of a girl, played out and projected through a wolf’s eyes and into mine. It started as just a little girl, running around and playing on the tire swing in her backyard with a little Siberian husky puppy. Two people, a man and a woman stood there watching her, and the man had his arm around the woman. The little girl was laughing; it was a genuine laugh that rang of innocence.

Then the image changed. It was that same little girl, a little older now, sitting at the dinner table with that same man and woman who watched her on the tire swing. They were all smiling, and the girl was giving that same Siberian husky puppy, now bigger, scraps under the table. They were eating macaroni and cheese with little bits of ham cut up in it.

The slide changed. The girl and the man sat beside a lake on a bench near sunset. The man had his arm around the little girl. He picked up a nearby rock, and showed her how to skip rocks across the water. The girl tried, but failed. The man laughed slightly, and then showed her again. This time the girl got the rock to skip three times, and she was so happy. She hugged the man, and he brought her over to the ice cream stand that was only a little ways away.

The image morphed into a gray one. It was the girl, now a lot older outside of a school on a gray rainy day. She was sitting on the school step alone, clutching her books close to her chest. She had her hood up, but she was still soaking wet. Her hair was sticking to her face, and her eyes were red. Headlights could be seen approaching through the rain, though they weren’t for her. The car passed her by, splashing water up and hitting her shoes and the bottom of her pants. Neither the man nor the woman could be seen.

It changed. The girl was in her room, sitting on her bed with her hands clutched around her head. Her knees were up and her face was down. It was thundering and lightning outside, though no rain could be seen. Her bed shook, from the house shaking. There were loud noises coming from below her. Screams and yells, curses and declaration of love. Then the door slammed hard enough to mimic the thunder shaking the house. A car door slammed, and then drove away. It didn’t come back.

One last slide change. A forest. It was black as night with a slightly glowing moon. The girl was lying on the dirt, face down and ready to give up. There was a wolf sitting beside her.

And then there was nothing. The wolf’s eyes went back to just being eyes, tinted of amber and gold. I kept staring into them, trying to see more, though part of me didn’t want any more to be seen. Suddenly there was another rustling of the branches and the leaves and the wolf flinched, and began to back up. I wanted to tell it to stay, to show me more, but I couldn’t form words. Then a voice, a familiar one, called out “Hello?” And then just like that, it was gone. The wolf, the one that had just showed me the movie of my soul, vanished. It ran back into the night with no more than the eyes it had arrived with. I laid myself back down in the dirt, unsure what to do. I closed my eyes for a moment.

Someone’s hand was on my shoulder. “Karlee?” I opened my eyes again, after just that second of having them closed, and then there was Axel right in front of me.

I blinked a few times, trying to get my bearings, and before I could say anything, or even stop him, Axel had moved his hand below my back and was helping to push me back upright. I steadied myself and held myself up by leaning on my hands as he removed his. Axel was squatting next to me. “God damn, I thought you passed out or died or something.” I scanned the area for a wolf, for even wolf prints, but nothing. It was just me and Axel. I must have fallen asleep after all.

“No, I didn’t.” I answered flatly. I didn’t feel like having a sarcasm war with Axel right now. Too much was swimming through my mind. I looked over at him for the first time since he got here. His damn green eyes were still glowing. Though I thought they fit his character nicely sometimes. They were green like a snake.

But he didn’t look like a snake right now; he didn’t even look like himself. Something in his face was wrong and very unlike him, but I couldn’t place what it was. He had a few scratches on his face, and the white part of his shirt was dotted with dirt all over. I furrowed my brows at his shirt, and then looked back up at his face. “What happened to you?” He glanced down at his shirt then back up at me.

“You’re not easy to find, you know. Especially when you’re taking a damn catnap in the middle of the forest.” He sounded like the regular annoying Axel I knew, but something in his voice was off. Something that didn’t sound like him anymore than something in his face didn’t look like him. I looked away from him and down at my knee. I tried to move it, and winced when it hurt. “How badly does it hurt?” He asked me in a flat tone. I didn’t look at him when I answered.

“Enough that walking back isn’t an option for me.” I heard him sigh next to me, and then he stood up.

“Bend both of your knees.” I looked up at him, to see what kind of expression he had on his face. His face was stern, and serious. My hurt knee was already bent, so I looked back down at my other knee and bent it. I didn’t bother asking why. He then was squatting next to me, though not long until I felt something under my knees. He had looped his arm under my knees and the other around my waist, and hoisted me up. I was honestly surprised at his strength, I never would have thought he was strong enough to lift me, much less in the way he was now.

It almost felt like Axel wasn’t even here, and this other guy, was; this nice guy who actually tried to help me instead of being an ass all the time. Nonetheless, I stared at him. He didn’t move, he simply stood there with me in his arms.

“What are you doing?” I asked. He looked at me with a very classic Axel expression.

“What does it look like? You said you can’t walk, so I’m going to carry you back. Now put your arms around my neck so you can hold on better.” I hesitated, but I did what he said. Axel and I had never even hugged before, much less gotten as close as we were now. He began to walk, though he was going slow.

“How far away is the house?” I asked without looking at him. I was looking ahead.

“It’s about a 10 minute walk by myself. But with you, it would probably be more than that, since I have to carry you, and I don’t have superhuman strength.” He had to take a few breaths while he was walking. It was evident that he was already getting tired out. “Like seriously, you’re so little but you weigh so much. What do you eat, bricks?” I really did appreciate him coming out here and helping me, but my pride always gets the best of me. I scowled at him.

“Well sorry. Then just put me down and I’ll call Eli or something. That way it won’t be a burden to you and I won’t have to hear you complain.” He didn’t stop walking.

“Eli’s with some girl.” I turned my head back to looking where he was going. I wanted to ask who, but Axel probably didn’t know, and I’d rather just ask Eli himself later.

“Well I’m sure there are other people at the party sober enough to do it.”

“Hardly anyone is still there. Some genius football players decided to go streaking in the park. Most people went to go watch. Only about 20 people are still there.” I felt him turn his neck to look at me; I turned to look at his face too. “You miss a lot when you go and pass out in the woods, you know.” He gave me a wryly grin. I gave him a mock smile.

“Oh ha ha.” He turned his head forward again. I was still so tired. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, but I was too aware that it was Axel and I wouldn’t let myself do that. So I mimicked him and turned my head and looked forward.

“How come you ran out here in the first place?” His voice was lower now, the kind of lower that someone gets when they’re being more serious.

“I was having a panic attack. The only thing I know to do when I have one is to run away and go someplace away from people.”

“Why were you having a panic attack?” I considered lying to him, telling him that I just randomly get them sometimes, which isn’t a lie, I do. But I knew the reason for this one, and I went back and forth with myself for several seconds debating whether or not I wanted to be honest with him. I eventually came to my conclusion to tell him, since he already knew everything about me and Nick anyway.

“I was thinking about Nick.” He grunted and stopped walking.

“Oh my god, I need a break for a second.” He only walked a little ways to the left and set me down on an open spot of dirt. He set me down awfully gently too. A little bit to my surprise, he joined me on the ground and crossed his legs and sat beside me.

“So,” I looked up at him from where I was looking at the dirt on the ground. He turned his head to me after he spoke. “What were you thinking about him that made you get all panicky?” I couldn’t tell if he was asking a genuine question or if he was trying to make fun of me. I responded like any normal question either way.

“Everything.”

“Like?” He seemed generally interested now.

“How it used to be. How normal yesterday was until I went to your house. How much it hurt me. And how much I wished it didn’t happen and that we were still together.” I had been playing with the dirt while he spoke, so when he laughed lightly I looked back up.

“Yeah, that is a reason to panic.” I scowled again.

“What do you mean?”

“Why the hell would you still want to be with him? Look, I don’t really do all this love bullshit you’re into,” he made air quotes around the word ‘love.’ “But I sure as hell know that if someone cheated on me, I wouldn’t want to stay with them. Look, Nick is my friend. My best friend actually. But that doesn’t change what he did. It was wrong and he shouldn’t have done it. And honestly I just can’t grasp why you would still want to be with someone who hurt you.” I didn’t say anything. I just stared at him. “And trust me, it’s just as weird for me as it is for you for us to be on agreement on something, that Nick was wrong. But that doesn’t make what I said any less correct.” I knew he was right, but I didn’t want to admit it.

“It’s because I still love him, whether you believe in that stuff or not. I do, and I still love him. And part of me wants to be with him. But I know it’s not a good idea, and that’s why I broke up with him.” He shook his head at me then looked into the blackness of the forest.

“I think love is stupid.”

“Yeah, cause you kind of need a heart to be able to love. You’ve probably never even been in love.” He looked at me quickly and stared at me hard.

“Yeah? I don’t have a heart? I’ve never been in love? Darcy. Darcy Fink. We dated for two years. She was my everything. She was amazing, and beautiful, and just the greatest person I had ever known. She made me feel amazing; she made me feel like my worst days were some of my best. I wanted to marry her one day. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. For the longest time, she was the only good thing in my life. She was the reason I made it through my mom’s death. And then you want to know what happened last summer? The summer before I moved to Denver? The reason I moved to Denver? She cheated on me. And not just once. She had been cheating on me the whole damn time. With six different guys. Do you know how badly it hurts to know that the person you love more than anything in this world, cheated on you six goddamn times for two years? You think Nick cheating on you once was bad? That Nick kissing another girl was the end of the world? Yeah my girlfriend slept with six guys, and then told me that she still loved me. So yeah, there’s a love story for you. That’s why I don’t want to believe in it anymore. It’s bullshit.”

I didn’t have anything to say to him. What could I say? Axel had just spilled his entire heart onto the table for me and I had no words for him. All I did was stare at him. He wasn’t looking at me, he had his knees bent and he was leaning on them, looking in the opposite direction of where I was sitting. I had never seen this side of him before. I felt the need to apologize, and I wouldn’t let my pride get the best of me this time.

“I’m sorry Axel. I shouldn’t have said what I did.” I heard him take a deep sigh, and then he slowly turned and looked back at me.

“Look, it’s not my business what you and Nick do. But I’m trying to help you, Karlee. I’ve been in your position before, a million times worse your position, actually. And trust me, going back to him is a mistake. I know you and I have never seen eye to eye, but ever since it’s happened to me, I’ve tried to protect anyone who’s been cheated on from making the mistake that I did, and going back to them and just letting it happen again.” I hated it whenever I was proved wrong. But I hated it even more when it was Axel.

Thunder started to roll and boom over our heads. It wouldn’t be long until the lightning arrived with it, and then sure enough the rain, and a forest wasn’t the greatest place to be during a thunderstorm. “Come on.” I heard Axel say. He stood up next to me, and silently picked me back up in his arms, and I put my arms around his neck to hold myself. He began walking again. I sat in his arms looking forward. “It can’t be comfortable to hold your head up like that. You can rest your head against my shoulder you know.” Without a word, I did.