Dance With the Devil

I remember taking these kinds of rides with Nick. The world outside is cold, but it’s nice and cozy inside the car. The radio would play softly in the background while Nick and I would just talk, about anything really. I remember the time he told me about how his dog died when he was six, and how it scared him from ever getting another pet ever again. There were a lot of conversations like that. They didn’t really have any real importance, but they were there to let us know more about each other. The lights of all the buildings outside and the streetlights blazed into the car and made it shine from the inside out. It’s a really comfortable feeling; a nice drive can take your mind off of anything really. But, I wasn’t with Nick right now, and that’s for the best.

We drove in my car. Axel didn’t have a car at the moment. I remember Nick telling me about how three months after Axel got his license that he got into an accident and completely totaled his car. He was in the hospital for a few days too. I felt a little cautious about him driving my car, but everything seemed to be going just fine. I tried to relax myself in the passenger seat; I wasn’t used to being on this side of my own car.

I didn’t feel the need to make conversation with Axel, which was actually a nice change from being with Nick. The silences between us were very sickening, in the sense that it just didn’t feel right, like one of us had to be speaking at all times. Now after breaking up, I realize that’s not how a relationship should be. It should be just like it is now, that there’s no need to speak. That silence is just fine. I’ve always been a fan of silence. You can hear more in the silence than you ever could with words.

I wanted to sleep, but I felt like I shouldn’t, since it’s my car, and that it would be rude. But, after all it was just Axel; some boy I didn’t even like. Although, he had been unusually nice to me today. Actually, come to think of it, he’s been much nicer to me since me and Nick broke up. Maybe he really doesn’t like cheaters, and that he feels bad for me, since I guess he was in my spot at one point.

That is if his story is true.

Axel may not like cheaters, but I know that he’s a good liar. I want to know more about this Darcy Fink girl, but I don’t know how Axel would react if I brought it up. I don’t want to upset him, but at the same time I don’t want to seem too interested in her, or too interested in his life for that matter. Though, I could ask him for advice. I see no problem with that, since I could honestly use some.

I sit myself up a little bit straighter in the seat, as I stare out the window. Small specks of water are starting to appear on the glass. Axel turns the windshield wipers on soon after they start to fall a little harder. Without looking at him, I speak. “Axel?”

“Hm?” He doesn’t turn his head, which I suppose is the smarter idea since his driving history isn’t wonderful.

“What did you do the night you found out about uh…” I cut myself off. I suddenly didn’t want to say her name, in fear of upsetting him. I couldn’t afford him getting too distracted with the thought of an ex-girlfriend that he doesn’t focus on the road, especially in the rain. “…her.”

“You mean Darcy.” His voice sounded very conversational, like the name didn’t upset him whatsoever.

“Yeah. What did you do?”

“Cried.” His response was immediate, but his tone stayed the same. I stared at his profile from where I sat next to him. I realized that this was the first time I had ever really looked at Axel. His hair was a mixture between auburn red and very dark brown, and it came down just slightly over his ears, and his bangs, well they were more of a fringe that slightly hung into one of his eyes. And his eyes, oh his eyes. They really are something when you stare at them. They’re not your normal green eyes, no. They’re the very color of emerald, a rich dark green that glowed in the light coming from outside the car. He was almost cute. Almost.

I turned my focus back to his words rather than his appearance. I couldn’t imagine Axel crying. It was hard to imagine someone who always seemed so okay, and so confident, crying themselves to sleep. But I suppose it happens, and maybe that’s why those people never let it show. Because it does happen. “I cried for days too. I didn’t come out of my room. I never wanted to leave my bed.” I can level with him on that. The night me and Nick broke up, I didn’t even feel like moving, much less being awake.

“Didn’t your parents do anything?” He gave a humorless laugh as we came to a red light. He turned to look at me. His voice sounded colder than it had before.

“My mom would have. But she died years ago. My dad doesn’t give a shit about me. He’s hardly even home. He’s always away on business trips or his own private vacations with a different woman each time. He hardly even knows he has a son let alone the fact that he’s depressed. He wouldn’t have cared anyway.” He turned back towards the road to wait for the green light. I felt like I never really knew Axel until tonight. I never thought that he had so many problems, that so many things had happened in his life. Part of me really wanted to feel bad for him.

“Well, then who takes care of you?” The light turned to green as I spoke.

“I do.” His voice softened a bit, back to its normal sound. The car began to pick up speed once again. “I don’t need anyone to take care of me. I take care of myself and Savannah, my sister, on my own. I make sure there’s food, and anything else we need. Thankfully, since the house is still technically my dad’s, he pays all the bills and stuff like that, so I don’t have to worry about it. And he sends us $200 every two weeks to make sure we don’t starve to death. This is how it’s been ever since my mom died.” I took my eyes off of him since the first time I looked, and I stared at the road. Puddles were now beginning to form near the curbs.

“I had no idea you lived like that.” I debated whether or not I should ask the question that was floating around my mind, but I figured that since we were being so open with each other right now, that I might as well try my luck. “How did your mom die?”

“She was born with HIV.” He looked over at me for a split second before his eyes were back on the road. “Don’t worry. I don’t have it.” I wasn’t going to ask, but the thought did sail by my head. “She was 35 when she died. In all honesty, she was lucky to live to the age she did. In a way, I had been trained to deal with her death ever since I was small. She never tried to hide her condition from me. But that didn’t make her actual death any easier. Especially considering the fact that it meant I would be left with my dad.” He made a sharp left turn that made me lean against the car door. It was weird, I used to think of Axel as a complete asshole, but I never thought of the things that might have made him that way.

“I’m really sorry about that.” He waved me off with one hand.

“It’s not your fault. And nothing can be done about it anyway, so I just let it be, and try to get out of the house as much as possible. But uh, I normally don’t tell people about my family, and I’d appreciate if you didn’t say anything either.” I glanced over at him.

“Then why’d you tell me?” He shot me a look with a slight smile.

“Story for a story. What’s the deal with that guitar pick?” I suddenly felt the weight of it in my pocket, which my hand automatically went to.

“You’re probably going to think it’s stupid and cheesy. Which it really is, honestly.” He turned up an entrance ramp to the highway, and began to speed up to keep up with the other cars. From where I sat next to him, I saw a smile slowly curve on his lips.

“If you tell, I’ll tell you something unbelievably stupid and cheesy about me.” I stared at him, with a confused look at the fact that he really wanted to know about the guitar pick. Though, I found curiosity getting the best of me at the fact that I wanted to know his story probably just as badly as he wanted to know mine. Beside myself, I found that I was smiling too.

“Alright, fine.” I took a deep breath, the pick still beneath my hand. “When me and Nick were around our one year anniversary, we went to a You Me At Six concert together. And I had told him that I had always wanted to catch one of the guitar picks that the guitarist always throws at the end of the show. Well, it turns out that I didn’t end up catching it, but Nick did. And he tried to give it to me, but I knew he wanted it too, and I honestly wanted to catch one myself. But he wouldn’t quit pushing, so I told him that,” I took a deep breath and prepared myself for Axel to laugh at me. “That he could keep it as long as he kept my heart.” I waited for the laughter, but to my surprise I heard none. All I saw was a small little smile curved on Axel’s lips. I stared at him, waiting for some kind of reaction, when he looked at me and giggled.

“You’re right, that is stupid and cheesy.” To my own surprise, I smiled a bit and lightly slapped Axel’s arm. I realized seconds after I did that that was the first time I had ever willingly touched Axel.

“Shut up, don’t laugh!” He laughed more when I hit him, probably because it mustn’t have even felt like anything to him, though it seems that his laugh was contagious, and I began to giggle myself. It was weird really, to think that Axel and I were in a car alone together, laughing, like we were actually friends. When in reality, we’re not friends. He’s simply just doing a good deed for someone who needs a little help. Though I haven’t quite come up with an explanation as to why we’re exchanging personal stories yet.

“Don’t worry; you’re probably going to piss yourself laughing when you hear mine.” He put his blinker on to signal he was getting off the highway. I felt the car’s speed decrease.

“Well then tell me and we’ll see.” I heard him sigh, and I saw that his smile had dramatically decreased.

“Look, you can’t tell anyone this. Like, it’s not the same with my parents. There are other people who know that. But this, no one knows. And I mean no one. If this ever got out, I can’t tell you how many people would make fun of me. Promise me you won’t say anything.” His voice sounded drastically serious by the end of his sentence. I couldn’t even imagine what he was about to tell me.

“Promise.” I didn’t like the idea of promising Axel anything. Promises are for people who trust each other, and I didn’t like the idea of Axel and me trusting one another. I keep trying to remind myself that he’s a dirty snake, but the more I find out about him, I realize he isn’t a snake at all. And I don’t like it. He took a deep breath.

“This is one of the many things that no one knows about me. None of my friends, relatives, not even my sister.” I braced myself for something bad, terrifying even. Like something along the lines of suicide, or self-harm, or even murder. A list of a million things suddenly began to materialize itself in my mind. “I absolutely love to write. Poetry mostly. And I write almost all the time. If you even took a look at any page in one of my notebooks, I guarantee you that some sort of writing or stanza, or even lyric will be written there.” His words were a shock and a relief all at once. A relief that it was something so small and nothing that was on the horrendous list in my mind, but also a shock, as he warned me. “And actually, that’s your real answer to the first question you asked. What I did when Darcy and I broke up. I wrote nearly all day. So many feelings were inside of me, and so many words floated around my mind. The only thing I could even think to do was to get them out of my brain and onto paper. And once I stared, it was like I couldn’t stop. It was like I was addicted to writing, and there was no remedy for it.” I tried frantically to search my mind for the right words to say to him, but nothing came to mind. “Since I can slightly play guitar, I try to put some of my writing to lyrics, but I’m no singer so it never really comes out right. Most of my writing just stays as poetry, which I’m sure you can understand why no one can ever know.” I stared at the side of his face, trying to get my answer out of the way his features were illuminated by the light, that was slightly dotted by the water on the windshield. But I got nothing.

“Why?” He looked over at me for a split second, in order to keep his eyes on the road.

“You’re kidding right? If any of my friends find out, they’ll never let me live it down. When someone finds out that a girl writes, it’s like oh okay, that’s cool. But when someone finds out that a guy likes to write, it’s essentially hell. People will look at you and think oh he must be gay, or nerdy, or weak, or anything like that. It’s bad for reputation, and I’d prefer that no one ever finds out. So please, keep this to yourself?” I didn’t take my eyes off of him. He seemed hurried to get off the topic. Maybe half way through telling me, if decided that he didn’t want to tell me anymore. It made me mad really, to think that he thought he couldn’t trust me. But then again, I didn’t want to trust him either. Nonetheless, I really have no on to tell, so no one will be told. My voice sounded harder when I spoke.

“Sure.” I heard the relief in his voice.

“Thanks. So,” He made a hard right turn, into a parking lot of sorts. I hadn’t really been paying attention to where we were going or where he was taking me, but I knew this was far from my house. When I looked out the window, I saw the harmless neon sign that signified a diner glowing in the night. I looked back over at him; he raised one of his eyebrows. “You hungry?”