Dance With the Devil

The following Monday came faster than I would have liked. After Axel had dropped me off at my house that night, there was really no more conversation. No conversation between Axel and me, no conversation between my mother and me. I simply went inside, and went straight to bed. And that Sunday was less than what I would call interesting. My mother took me to the doctor for my knee, and determined that I had sprained it. Not horribly, but enough that I had to wear one of those knee braces for a while, and I still had a bit of a limp in my walk, but nothing like it was.
Though today, Monday, was a day that I was not prepared to deal with. I wasn’t prepared to walk the halls alone, rather than with Nick. I wasn’t ready to sit in lunch without Nick by my side. I wasn’t ready to pass him in the hallway and not even look at him like I never knew him. School is a torturous place like that. It makes you be around the people you don’t want to even be in the same state with. Schools never take those things into consideration. Classes, teachers, make you work and talk and socialize with people who might have ruined your life, but what does that matter as long as you get a good grade? Nothing really, in their eyes. I know a lot of students say they hate school, but they only hate it for the work and the classes that come with it. I hate it for a better reason, the only reason to really hate anything. The people.

I suppose I should be happy though. This was my last year here, I graduate in June. But what’s that to really be happy about? I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’ve always been told that I’ll go to college, but I don’t see the money for that laying around anywhere. And even if I could go, I don’t know what I’d be there for. I see no real talents in myself, no real potential. I’ve only had two jobs in my life, and both were simple retail jobs that I had in order to cough up enough money for a car, which I now have barely enough money to pay the insurance on. It’s scary really, to know that life is all coming at you so quickly and you don’t know how to handle it. That’s how my life has been ever since my dad left. Everything started to come at me at once.

There’s really nothing that makes you realize how lonely you are more than walking through the hallways at school alone. There are hundreds of people around me, and yet I’m standing alone, walking alone. People around me are talking, screaming, and laughing, but none of them are doing it to me. In all my years of being around these same people, I know they really have the ability to make me feel needed and wanted, but they also have the ability to make me feel like nothing would be different if I just dropped off the face of the earth. Maybe they’d ask questions, a few people, like Aubrey and Eli would probably be concerned, but I can imagine that most people would most likely think “Oh, where did that really weird girl go? The one that ran out into the woods at Holly’s party?” Ah yes. That’s become the talk of the school this morning, had I forgotten to mention it. Which is really just what I needed, more attention on me.

First period at this point might as well have been called “Suicide 101” rather than biology. It was bad enough that science and math was just not my thing, but Amber was also in my class. And the last thing I needed today was to hear her talk about my breakup and how amazing her and her lunkhead boyfriend were.

I slunk myself into my seat without as much as a look to anyone. Amber sat not too far from me, over one desk row and back two, perfect for her eyes to drill holes in the back of my head. I noticed that Mr. Lee, my regular teacher was not in today, and we had a substitute instead. I hated having substitutes, whereas most students loved it. They never knew what they were doing, and I hated explaining things to people. And it was even more annoying when I actually liked the teacher, like I did with Mr. Lee.

The sub we had was a woman, probably in her late 50’s, someone who should have retired by now, but refuses. I’d had her before, her name was Mrs. Klik. She was a very thick-headed woman, which wasn’t a good thing to be if you were going to be a substitute teacher. She was stubborn, and never let anyone change her mind.

Mrs. Klik began to address the class once all the morning announcements were over. She stood at the front of the room in her gray pantsuit, pointed heel shoes, and bunned-up white hair, and told us that our assignment today was to read a chapter in our books and answer questions on it. Quite elementary if you ask me. Nonetheless, it was easy work and I wasn’t about to argue. She was just about to dismiss us away to our work when she told us that this was a partner activity, and that the partners had already been pre-picked. I began to panic nearly immediately.

Mr. Lee knew not to mix Amber and I up, but Mrs. Klik didn’t, and most likely wouldn’t even care if she did. The chances of her and I becoming partners is so slim, but the odds tend to never be in my favor. As she spoke the names of the partners, I grew more and more nervous. Each time I heard the name of someone I could bare working with go with someone else, I grew worried. Most of the names had been called, only leaving four left, two of them being Amber and myself. So when Mrs. Klik called my name, I expected the worst, only to find that Andrew Nelson was the name spoken after mine. It was the greatest thing I had happened to me in a few days.

Andrew Nelson was no Amber, but he was no walk in the park either. He was the stereotypical jock type. He played on the hockey and lacrosse team, and was practically the star on both teams. Everyone in school knew his name and his face. If you looked at him without knowing anything about him, most would say he’s attractive. His arms were pretty muscular, nearly perfect body shape, award winning smile, and beautiful brown eyes with deep brown hair. But that’s only if you don’t know him. If you do have the pleasure to know him, most of those features don’t count anymore. He’s conceited, obnoxious, rarely does his school work, and always jokes around with his friends and often makes fun of someone who wasn’t good enough in his eyes.

He moved over to where I was before I even lifted a finger. He sat in the desk in front of me and sat in the chair backwards so he could face me. He smiled that dazzling smile my way. I gave him a pity grin.

“I haven’t talked to you in forever.” He smiled pulling out his book. I cocked an eyebrow.

“We’ve talked before?” I asked, pulling mine out as well and turning to the page on the board. He chuckled slightly. There was something unusually casual about the way he was talking, like I had been his friend for years.

“Haven’t we? I don’t really know. I just see you around so much that I guess we would have spoken at some point.” I glanced at him while he tried to find the page in his book. I was not the kind of person that Andrew Nelson associated himself with. He knew it, I knew it, anyone with working eyes and a brain knew it.

“You’d think,” I felt him look up at me from where my eyes were on the book, and I felt them linger on me for longer than I would classify as normal.

“Hey,” I looked up slightly. “I uh, heard about you and Nick. You okay?” There was something in his voice that gave away that it was a very sincere question. I didn’t quite know how to respond for a moment.

“Uh,” I stuttered. I was more shocked at the question rather than the fact that I didn’t even know the answer.

“Cause I heard about you and, uh yeah, and I was at Holly’s party when you sort of, left early.” I wasn’t looking at him. I was drawing scribbles in the corner of my paper as he spoke, something I often did when I was annoyed. In my mind he was just another person who thought I was some sort of freak for running out, no matter how sincere he made his voice sound. Though, it was very unlike him to show interest in anyone other than himself, so I suppose I have to give him brownie points for that.

“Uhm, yeah. I’m fine. Break ups happen, you know? It’s no big deal.” He rose an eyebrow at me.

“Then, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly happened at Holly’s party?” I stopped doodling and looked up at Andrew.

“Why do you care? What does it even matter anyway? What, do you want to know so you can go and laugh and joke around about me being a freak with your hockey buddies? Lacrosse buddies? I’ve never spoken more than two words to you before, and now you suddenly care about me? About what’s happened to me? Sorry but I don’t need your pity or your mockery, or whatever your trying to do here.” I hadn’t yelled at him, but I had spoken quickly and loudly enough that Amber turned her head. Lovely.

Andrew didn’t seem to have a reaction at first; perhaps his brain was still processing it. But then once it seemed to have sunk in, he gave me a slight apologetic smile, which was far from the reaction I was expecting.

“I’m not mocking you at all. I just figured I’d ask. I’ve been cheated on a good amount of times, and I know how badly it can sting. I just thought I’d ask, but if you don’t want to talk about it, that’s alright.” Andrew turned his attention back to the book. “Besides, I should be more focused on this work. I really need a good grade in it this year to pass.” As his attention turned to the book I stared at him, trying to figure out what he was really trying to do. Or maybe he wasn’t trying to do anything. I’ve become so used to the idea that people are such liars, that sometimes I can’t make out when a liar is telling the truth or not.

I looked down at the page and figured I’d let it go and just not comment on it. But if he really was just trying to talk to me, then I feel bad. These moments, the moments when I let my pride get the best of me are when I really hate myself. I looked back up at Andrew.

“I had a panic attack,” he looked up at me. “At Holly’s. That’s why I ran out so fast. I couldn’t breathe. And the only thing I could think of was to just get away from everything.” I paused for a slight moment. “And I’m sorry I just yelled at you.” He chuckled slightly.

“Nah, don’t be. A lot of people think I’m the person you do. I can’t really blame you for what I’ve labeled myself as.” I was a little taken back, his words were smarter than I even thought he was.

“It’s just that I’ve only seen you with your sports teams. Your different with your friends I guess.” He slightly shrugged and chuckled humorlessly.

“They’re not my friends. They’re my teammates. They think being a jerk comes with being on a sports team. They expect me to act like an ass. And I hate to disappoint.” I couldn’t completely relate to what Andrew was saying, but I sure knew what it was like to disappoint people.

“Excuse me you two,” I turned around to the voice, Mrs. Klik stood not too far behind me. “If your conversations do not consist of what is in your textbooks, then you are not permitted to speak. Am I clear?” I sighed.

“Yes.”

“Yes” I heard Andrew say after me. Mrs. Klik pivoted on one foot and then walked away. I turned my attention back to Andrew, and apparently, back to my book as well.

“Lovely woman, isn’t she?” I said as I sighed. Andrew laughed slightly.

“Yeah, a real Mary Poppins.” It wasn’t always an easy task to make me laugh or smile, or show any emotion at all really, but that made me giggle slightly. “Are you any good at this stuff?” He said, pointing to the textbook. The chapter we were on at the moment had to do with covalent and ionic bonds, which I’ve pretty much had down since middle school.

“I don’t fail, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“I’m horrible at this crap. Academics are just not my thing.” I raised an eyebrow. Andrew might not have been as bad as I had thought, but I still wasn’t up for doing the work and letting him take my answers.

“You can’t be that bad. You got to 12th grade, didn’t you?” His expression itself didn’t alter, but the look in his eyes dropped.

“Hardly. I’ve been to summer school like four times.” I tried to relate, but I couldn’t really. I had never been a perfect student, but I always got passing grades.

“Have you ever had a tutor?”

“Yeah, five of them. They all spoke way too fast though, and never explained things properly.” I had never been the kind of person to help people when I wasn’t really needed, but I was in a good mood.

“Well, I could tutor you.” He raised his eyebrows at me, like he was shocked I offered. In all honesty, I was shocked I offered.

“You’d do that?” I shrugged.

“Sure, why not? I need something to get my mind off of my life right now anyway.” He smiled slightly.

“Well okay.”

“Stay after school today. We’ll start then.” He smiled bigger. You would have thought a kid who hates school wouldn’t be so excited to learn. He thanked me again, and turned his attention back to his book, to actually begin reading. I stared at him as he did, even though I really should have been reading too. He was kinda cute. Not really my type though. I had never been into guys who played sports, too much fake interest in the sport for me. Though he was being nice. His question about Nick and I was genuine, I could tell. But I wasn’t ready to let myself like anyone. I didn’t even know how I felt about Nick at this point. I didn’t even know how I felt about myself.

But it was way too soon to even think about dating again. It was way too soon to think about anything going on in my life right now.