Dance With the Devil

It wasn’t quite déjà vu I was feeling, but I figured it was something along the lines. Axel hadn’t said anything since we got into the car, and there was little to nothing for me to say. My mind was at a blank spot once again. And hating Axel was getting harder and harder each day.

I stared out the window, somewhat leaning on the glass. I was surprised that Axel drove as well as he did in the snow. I could hardly see out my own window. The world looked white, coated in a shimmering blanket of diamonds, which seemed to glow even without the sunlight on them. We passed by buildings I recognized, but I still couldn’t really make a map in my head to understand where he might possibly be going. I knew my part of Denver nearly by heart, but in the snow it’s a completely different town.

It wasn’t until we were farther away from the town that I realized where he was going. This had been the road that my father and I used to take to the park. It passed through the woods, so it was nearly a magical sight to drive under it in the falling snow. I remember that I had told my dad once while driving through here that I wanted to get married in these woods, in the snow too. I just loved the way it looked, like an image right out of a story book.

I looked over at Axel for the first time since I got in the car. The snow had completely melted into his hair, and I could see small, very faint freckles on the side of his cheeks; something that I wouldn’t have been able to notice in the dark. He had the heat on in his car, but he still looked very pale and cold. He only had a light gray hoodie and a purple beanie on. His lips were pale as well, but I had noticed they had always been a light pink. Though they seemed so much colder now.

He pulled into the parking lot of that old abandoned park. I stared at it as Axel perfected his parking. It was still tattered, still in ruins, still looked a mess. But it had some of the most beautiful memories lodged within its ugliness. However, I'm not so sure how beautiful those memories are now that I want to forget they happened.

Axel turned off his car and got out, leaving me momentarily inside alone. I watched him walk over to the ghost town of a playground. His hands were in his pockets, and he sat down on one of the swings that were still intact, though he didn’t quite swing himself. He moved his feet back and forth slightly, but not enough to really swing. He then looked over at me, his eyes like beacons through the snowy fog. There truly was something mesmerizing about them.

I got out of the car as well and walked over to the old park. The more I looked at it, the more I saw everything as it used to be. The bright colors painted on the sides of the bars, the green grass growing around where the mulch was. Flowers here and there, and children; children running around everywhere. But just the same, the more I stared at it, the more I saw what it really was; what it had turned into. Graffiti everywhere, broken bars and swings, dead grass, and no children. I sighed as I blinked myself back to the present and walked over to where Axel was.

I stood next to him; there were no other swings that were safe enough to sit on. I stared at him for a moment. He looked to be doing the same thing that I had just moments ago; trying to remember the former glory of this place. “This place used to be so beautiful.” I heard him say. He wasn’t looking at me; his eyes were still on the ruins of the playground. He seemed to be speaking to himself more than me. “I remember coming here when I was little. It wasn’t where we lived, nowhere near. But it was so beautiful that it just couldn’t be helped. I came here every time it snowed,” he paused, though it didn’t sound like that was the end of the sentence. He sounded as if he was about to choke on his own words. His face looked at ease, but there was something in his voice that sounded painful. “…with my mom. Whenever we would see it was snowing outside, she would drop everything she was doing and take me here.” I then understood the pain. “She always said that we shouldn’t waste a good thing. And she loved snow so much,” he then looked at me. “She said that she used to come here when she was little with her mom too. This exact park.” He looked away again, his eyes seeming to trace over every inch of the playground. “We would come here and make a snowman each time there was a new snowfall. That way it marked that we had been here.” He laughed humorlessly, like they were good but painful memories. I wanted to say something, anything. But there was nothing that could be said. “Some of the greatest memories I’ve ever had are here. Buried under the snow, hidden under the ruins of what this park became. She told me that I should come here with my kids one day too. She said that she couldn’t wait to see their faces light up playing in the snow, just like mine did.” He stopped, almost as if the coldness had frozen him alive for a moment. His eyes, his hands, everything was still. It was nearly as if he was stuck in his memories, if only for a moment. His voice was getting weaker, but louder at the same time. He glanced at me again. “But you know what? That’s never going to happen. Because this park has crumbled to the ground. No child will ever play here again. No child will be able to enjoy the thrills that I did. Never.” He suddenly stilled himself and got up from the swing. He slowly walked over and stood under the monkey bars, hands back in his pockets.

I stared at him from where I stood momentarily. Had I never met Axel before, had I never had the bad relationship with him that I did, or do, I would be hugging him or trying to make him feel better right now. He wasn’t a big guy, but staring at him now he looked so small and insignificant. I would imagine that’s how he felt a lot too. It’s how I felt nearly all the time. After a minute or two, I walked up closer to him again. He turned slightly when I approached, though he didn’t quite meet my eyes.

“My mom is gone.” His voice nearly made it above a whisper, and it sounded rough like it was nearly choking him to say it. “She’ll never see the faces of my kids. She’ll never get to see them play in the snow. She’ll never do anything again because she’s dead. And this entire place has turned into a graveyard of memories.” He looked down. He gave another once over of the park before making it to me.

I didn’t know what to do. Part of me wanted to console him, to make him feel better, to hug him even. But the other part of me didn’t know if that was allowed or not. Axel and I might have made some progress within the past week or so but we weren’t close with each other, not in the way that I wanted to be right now. “I come here every time it snows now. Out of respect for her.” His eyes were sad, though they flowed so beyond sad. It was a new kind of depression that I had never seen before.

“I think that’s the most beautifully saddening story I’ve ever heard.” He tossed a sad wry smile.

“It’s the best memory I have. And also the one that keeps me up at night.” I smiled at him slightly, and beyond my thoughts, I placed my hand on his shoulder. “You know, you're the first person I've ever told that to. I've been dying to tell someone for so long.” I stared at him, a little dumbfounded, or perhaps shocked is a better word to explain it.

“Why?” He looked confused, and a little offended slightly. “Why me of all people?” He grabbed my hand on his shoulder, and gave a very weak smile. His voice was soft as well.

“Cause you’re not like other people.” I smiled to myself, more than at him. He then removed his hand and began to walk past me. “Come on, I’ll take you home now.” He began to walk towards his car once again, leaving me behind again.

“Wait,” I called. He stopped and turned to look at me, his breath nearly becoming fog as it left his mouth. “I don’t want to leave yet.” He began to walk back over to me, slowly this time, though his eyes stayed on mine the entire time, swirls and shades of emerald and jade dancing with each other, serenading their way from his eyes to mine. It was tantalizing, and nearly seductive. They were so beautiful, as if the essence of Mother Nature and all things green lived within him.

He wandered his way to me, stopping closer than he ever has before. His chest was only mere inches from mine, and something within me wanted to hold him, to hug him, embrace him. Our breath was colliding in the cold air in front of us, and I could feel the heat on my face each time he exhaled. I had to control myself to not grab his arm, to not touch him in any sense. He wore no smile, his lips just a thin pink line, but he didn’t need to smile when his eyes did everything for him.

“Then, what do you want to do?” I nearly didn’t hear him; his essence was so consuming and captivating. I then had to mentally smack myself, and regain thought and control of everything around me. I didn’t like the idea of being vulnerable. I backed up slowly and trotted to the swing that he had sat on before. It didn’t feel strong, but it was still intact whereas the others hung in shame.

“Come push me.” I saw the smallest of smiles creep along that thin line that was his lips. He made his way over to where I was and stood behind me. A chill ran up my spine when his fingers touched my back, though I couldn’t tell if it was from how cold his hands were, or something else.

He didn’t swing me fast, nor high; just enough for the snow to hit my face a little harder and faster. From where the swing set was I had a perfect view of the picnic area, or what was left of it. I stared at the rotten wood that was once the tables and seats, the snow that was placing itself gently on the surface. While my eyes saw all this happening right in front of me, my mind continued to see the image of a girl and her father in the spring, sitting, smiling and laughing; happy. She was that happy little girl with the long braid and blue and white polka dot dress.

“I used to come here with my father,” I spoke before I knew what I was saying. When I swung back to Axel this time he grabbed the chains holding the swing and stopped them. “We would come here after school; talk about our days. He always used to make me a peanut butter and marshmallow fluff sandwich. That was back when things were really different though.” I heard the crunching of snow, and felt Axel’s presence move until he was standing next to me, holding one of the swing’s chains and looking down at me.

“Do you miss him?” He looked so sincere. I had never personally told Axel what happened between my parents, but I had told Nick, and I guessed that he might have told Axel. I shrugged slightly as my eyes stayed on the little girl in the blue dress in my mind. “Do you forgive him?” The little girl vanished as my eyes and attention shot right back to Axel. Every time my father passed through my mind the only thing I think of is how horribly he hurt my mother and I. Nothing else really ever came to mind. I didn’t know the answer to that question. I shook my head slightly.

“I don’t know.” He took his hand off the chain and treaded himself slightly more in front of me; his back was turned, like he too was looking at the little girl sitting at the picnic tables.

“Do you forgive Nick?” His words caught me off guard. I gazed at the back of his hoodie, as to that was all I could look at. Just as my father, I never gave much consideration to forgiving Nick. The only thing I associated him with now was pain.

“It’s only been a week since…,” I didn’t let myself finish the sentence. “I don’t know how to forgive someone that quickly for doing something so, wrong.” Axel was silent. “Does he, miss me?” He turned slightly, only giving me a glimpse of his eyes.

“You’re not going to like the answer.” I sighed looking down and began playing with my fingers on my lap.

“So, no.” He turned around fully so I could see his face again. I looked up to examine his expression. It was sullen, as if he hadn’t known happiness in years. Which, maybe he hadn’t.

“No, he misses you. He just doesn’t miss, you.” I glanced away from Axel and sucked on my lip, trying to contain all my feelings, and tears, to stay in my body. “I told you Karlee. You only knew him as he wanted you to know him.” It was nearly pathetic how I still wanted to cry thinking about Nick. I knew I couldn’t speak, or I’d begin to cry. It didn’t make much of a difference; I didn’t have anything to say anyway.

The snow had let up, to the point that it was simple flurries, and barely any at that. The world around me was now completely white. The snow had made a perfect coat on everything within miles. I heard Axel shuffle in the snow beside me, sounding like he was coming closer to where the swing hung.

“I can take you home now, if you want.” I nodded without a sound or a look up at him. I pulled myself up from the swing and followed him into his car.