Dance With the Devil

I had a subtle smile on my face that I just couldn’t shake. His hands lingered on my waist for only a bit longer, before he slowly slipped them away, and began walking towards the swings. There were no more usable swings, so I stared at his back as he walked. He walked around the set, tracing his hands over the old metal bars, now cold and covered in drops of snow.

I didn’t quite know what to do. I didn’t really know what I was feeling at all. I didn’t want to care about Axel. It went against everything I had ever said about him, and I had said a lot. But what I felt in that kiss wasn’t something I could just fake or wish away. Sometimes that’s the bad thing about feelings. Sometimes you like someone you're not supposed to.

He looked my way, I only noticed because I saw his eyes pop out of the dark. He motioned with his hand for me come over to him. Without really processing anything, I began to walk towards him. I heard the subtle crunch of the snow beneath my feet, as more snow fell to gently fill in the holes I was making. My heart was pounding ever so slightly. I hated to feel it, or even admit it to myself, but this was the happiest I had been since Nick and I broke up.

Nick.

The moment the thought of him came into my head; there was no getting rid of it. It had only been a week since Nick and I split, and we had been together for almost two years. I kept walking, but my pace had dramatically decreased. I didn’t really know what was going on with Axel and Nick as far as their friendship, but as far as I knew they hadn’t talked much since that day I was at Axel’s house. A sense of guilt began to overwhelm me; I didn’t want to be the reason their friendship broke. But not only that, I felt guilty as if I had done something wrong, as if I had hurt Nick by kissing Axel. In so many ways, I still thought of myself as a person in a relationship. I hadn’t dated anyone or kissed anyone else in two years. And now here I am, kissing a boy I swore I hated a week ago.

When I got up to him, he was leaning against one of the poles of the swing set, staring at the swing that I had broken. It was now hardly visible under the snow. He glanced over towards me before looking back at the swing. “You had to break the only useable swing, didn’t you?” I then turned to me with a small smile. I looked at the swing as I spoke.

“Well, I was waiting for you.” I turned towards Axel almost immediately. I hadn’t really meant for that to come out, it was just the answer I got in my head, and I spoke without a filter. I felt my cheeks get hot. He smiled right at me.

“Don’t be embarrassed. I already knew as soon as I saw your car. However, I did kind of expect you to be conscious. But I guess I can’t be right all the time.” He gave me that side smile, the one that made him look devious and daring. I couldn’t help but smile back.

He took a step towards me, and it was as soon as his foot made the crunch with the ground that I heard it. A howl. A million howls. And each sounded like they were coming from right behind us, which was a good possibility. The area beyond the park were very deep and dark woods, full of wolves. It was another reason why the park lost business.

It didn’t seem to faze Axel in the slightest. Him and I both had grown up surrounded by wolves, nearly everyone who lived in Colorado was somewhat used to it. But ever since I had started to see that wolf, that brown and black wolf with eyes of gold, they’ve scared me. Not for my safety, no. Physically speaking, I’m not frightened by them at all. When I was small I used to dream of running with wolves and being one of them. But since the night of the party, I’m terrified that they’ll look me in the eye and show me something I don’t want to know.

I was staring out at the woods, hoping that no wolves would come walking out of it like the wolf I kept seeing did earlier. I could feel Axel’s eyes on me, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to look into his yet.

I felt him grab my hand, at which I did then look down, staring at his hand in mine. I slowly traced my eyes up his arm to his face, his eyes, burning as always whenever light was around. I had always believed that a person’s eyes could tell you everything you ever needed to know about them, from the color, the brightness, how big they were; everything. When I looked into Axel’s eyes, I couldn’t see anything like that.

“Since when are you suddenly scared of wolves?” I didn’t have an answer, because I wasn’t scared of wolves. I was scared of what they were beginning to stand for. I began to turn myself away from him, almost in shame, but his grip on my hand tightened, and he tugged on me to pull me back. I glanced back at him, his face was more serious than I had ever seen, and his grip was tight. “Talk to me Karlee.” Snow was falling between us, some landing in his hair, some in mine. Howls could still lightly be heard, and we were under our own spotlight it seemed. Everything looked beautiful, but it didn’t feel that way. I watched the snow on the ground when I spoke.

“You’re going to think I’m psychotic.” He grabbed my chin and tilted my head up so I was looking at him.

“In case you don’t recall, you ran out into the woods and I went and got you out. Whatever this is, I’m sure I can handle it.” I looked at him, gazing into his eyes, trying to find something other than just those beautiful swirls of emerald and jade, but there was nothing. It was like a silent waltz in his eyes; so much going on, yet nothing to hear. I sighed, at which I saw my breath filter out of me.

“I keep seeing this wolf. The same wolf over and over again. Black and brown fur, white paws. And its paws always have blood stains on them. It only appears when I’m unconscious, and it almost appears right before my eyes, like it’s made of nothing but the shadows and just appears. It looks beautiful, one of the prettiest wolves I’ve ever seen.” I could hear my voice elevating. I wasn’t looking at Axel anymore, I was staring at the spot that the wolf had materialized from before; the shadows right before the forest. “And it’s eyes are magnificent. Beautiful, they could nearly paralyze you. They’re the color that gold and amber’s child would be. And they’re perfect,” I looked right into his eyes. “But they are single handedly the most terrifying thing I have ever seen.” I could see his expression morph a bit into confusion. I tried to keep myself calm, my voice level, but it would be the same thing as a child talking about the monster in their closet. “I can see my own life reflected back in its eyes. From when I was small to now.” I paused for a moment, glancing back at the darkness that is now where that wolf sat, until ultimately, my eyes blurred a bit, and all I saw was darkness with the bits of snow. I blinked and refocused on Axel again. “I hate what I see in its eyes. I hate everything about it. I hate those memories, I hated growing up, I hated having parents that were never there for me, I hate my father,” I paused, making a realization that I had never known until now. I could feel everything inside of me completely stirred up and flipped upside down. I felt my eyes shaking when I stared right into his. “I hate myself.”

Air flew out of my mouth, like those words had been caught in my throat for years. I had never been the type of person to put myself down, or to think badly of myself. But that was only because growing up I had no choice but to only think about the people around me. I had always put myself last; I never thought about myself that much. But saying those words, it just matched everything I felt when I looked in that wolf’s eyes.

Axel didn’t say anything at first. He just simply looked at me, his eyes never leaving mine, his hand still around mine. Everything was silent, my last words lingering and ringing in my ears. He said nothing, but more than suddenly pulled my hand towards him, causing the rest of my body to move forward somewhat. He released my hand and put his arms around me, at which I did exactly the same. I rested my head on his shoulder, not sure if I was about to cry or not. “Maybe that wolf is trying to tell you something.” I could feel his body vibrate when he spoke. “Like it’s your conscious. Maybe you're trying to tell yourself something.” I considered his words. The only thing I remember from what the wolf showed me was that it was images of me growing up, or images of things that have happened. It didn’t seem like it was telling me anything, other than the fact that I had a horrible childhood. “I’m sure it’s not just appearing to scare you. There has to be a reason.” I burrowed myself into his hold a little deeper. I knew there was a reason, I was just scared I might never find it.

Axel’s shoulder was cold, but it felt good to be in his arms; a place I never would have imagined myself to be. Just being in his arms made me feel a million things at once. My stomach was a whirlpool, spinning and splashing, flipping around and doing jumping jacks. I couldn’t make out if I was happy or nervous, or a bit of both. I liked having him near me, around me. But part of my mind couldn’t help wandering down the street of doubt. Why was he doing this, being so nice to me? Why was I here in his arms, and that kiss; a week ago none of this would have ever have been thought of. I pulled myself away from his shoulder, and reached my eyes to his. “Why did you kiss me?” His eyebrows rose a bit as if shocked, but then they slowed lowered, and his lips slithered into a smile.

“That’s not a question people hear often.” My expression didn’t change, nor did my sight waver. His grip on me released completely, and he turned the other way from me, walking away a bit. He scratched the back of his neck, like he was nervous. He suddenly looked so cold and alone. Bits of snow fell into his messy hair and into the hood of his shirt. I took a step towards him when he turned his head sideways so I could see the side of his face. His smile was gone. “I’ve liked you for a while. I remember when I first saw you; the only thing I could think of was how pretty you were.” My gut dropped, just the same as my mouth. “But you were dating Nick. And I couldn’t do anything about that. I couldn’t do anything but just sit there and watch you be so happy with him. I wanted that to be me. I wanted to make you happy. But again, Nick was in the way. So I decided to get close with Nick. It took almost a year, but I finally became one of his best friends. But I only did that so I would be able to be near you too.”

“Then why did you insult me so much? Sometimes your words really made me feel like shit.” My voice was loud, but not loud enough to sound like I was yelling. He was still for a moment, almost a frozen statue, like if I had touched him, he would have shattered into a million pieces. Axel then rotated completely and faced me again, his eyes buried under ice.

“I know. And I’m so sorry about that. I never meant any of that. I just, I didn’t know how to handle my feelings towards you. Every time I would be around you, I would get so nervous that sarcasm was the only thing I could result to. I would go home and think about all the horrible thing I would say to you, and I would just hate myself for it. I never meant to hurt you, Karlee.” He grabbed both of my hands slowly, I didn’t pull them away. Both of our hands were so cold, that the other almost felt warm. “You were the first girl I really liked since, Darcy. I just, I didn’t want to hurt myself again,” he paused, seemingly drilling holes into my eyes. “And I guess I hurt you in the process. I’m just so sorry.” He put his hand on my cheek slightly, and I could feel the coldness from his hand on my face, but I didn’t bother to move it. His eyes were too haunting to focus on anything else. “I wrote about you all the time, and I was just so happy whenever I was near you, even if I wasn’t talking to you. And I just figured this week, since you and I had been getting along so much better that I…well I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m sorry I kissed you.” He pulled his hand away from my cheek and other hand. “I’m sorry for everything, I just…” He began backing up away from me, until he was turned around and walking the other way.

I didn’t want him to leave, but I couldn’t think of what I could possibly say back to him. Everything in me was rushing around, trying to find something to say to make him stay here with me, if only for a little bit longer, but I had no romantic words for him, no matter how I felt. I was never good trying to be romantic, or trying to make someone see that I cared about them. I got that from watching my parents growing up. But I couldn’t just let him walk away, because as much as I didn’t want to admit it, or didn’t want to understand how I was feeling, I felt something for Axel, and I was struggling with every bone in my body not to just run after him and hold him again.

“Axel wait!” He was out of the circle of light at this point, so I could barely see him anymore. I began walking towards him, jogging almost. I wanted to catch up to him, I needed to. I had missed my chance to say something, and I knew if I didn’t do it soon I wouldn’t get that chance again. I ran out from under the light, now nearly blinded by the darkness. I couldn’t see him anywhere, I couldn’t see anything at all, until a bright flash of light illuminated everything. I turned around and saw headlights staring right at me, and I saw them backing up.

He was leaving.

I acted without thinking, and just began to run towards his car. I knew the parking lot wasn’t that big, and there was little to no traffic on this street at night. I didn’t know where I was running, all I knew was that I was going towards his headlights. I felt my feet change from running on the snowy grass to the snowed over pavement, and I knew I was getting close. His car was nearing the exit of the parking lot, and about to drive out onto the main road. I ran as fast as my feet could carry me, when I reached the backlights of his car. I reached out and started banging on his car, not caring if I dented it. I felt the car move under my hands, until I finally got up to the driver’s window and banged ferociously, as loud as I could. I saw him look over at me from under the window, and the car stopped. The front half of his car was out of the parking lot, on the street ready to leave. I was panting heavily, my breath making heavy little fogs in front of me. He rolled down his window with an expectant look on his face.

“What did you write about me?” I said through breaths.

“What?”

“You said you wrote about me all the time. What did you write?” He still had his car in drive, so I knew that he could pull away at any moment. That scared me a bit. His eyes looked dull, and more of grass green than a shining emerald.

“Everything. Every single thing I could think of about you. Your face, your smile, your eyes. Your laugh, how lovely your personality was. Just everything.” I had finally caught my breath somewhat, and my breathing returned to a mostly normal pace. I had my hands on his wrapped around the door where the window was down. It was all I could do to try and keep him here.

“Recite me something?” I saw the smallest of smiles wipe over his face before he made it disappear.

“I…” His voice sounded like he was about to disappoint me.

“Please?” I saw the yes before he said anything; he smiled at me with his eyes.

“Like the rain that falls from the sky,
She is simple, just like time.
My peace at night is by her,
The smile on her face is my muse.
She is on my mind all the day,
To think of her, I cannot refuse.”

He spoke in a sort of singsong voice, which was nearly entrancing to listen to. Never in my life had I ever had someone care so much for me as to write me something as beautiful as that, and it was only a few words. I couldn’t help but smile by the end of his poem. “That was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.” He smiled at me, a genuine smile, but it still seemed to have pain masked behind it. I still hadn’t said something, and I needed to, no matter how bad I was at it. “Axel, you should know that, if I could write like you can, I would have been writing about you all this week.” His mask crumbled right before my eyes, and I saw the light be restored in his smile.

“Well, I uh, I need to get back to Savannah.” He couldn’t take his smile off his face, and I could see he was trying to. “So, I’ll definitely see you around.” I nodded with a small smile. I let go of his car and he began to pull out into the street when he suddenly stopped again. He looked straight in my eyes as he spoke. “And try not to hate yourself. I think you’re pretty great just the way you are.” He then fully pulled out and I watched him drive down the road until his backlights disappeared.