Dance With the Devil

I felt my fingers shaking under my phone. I hadn’t heard Nick’s voice since the day we broke up; I feared that if I heard him speak and say pretty things to me; that I might fall under that same spell I once was. I tried to think as the phone rang almost endlessly, why I was even calling him in the first place. What could I say? That I was sorry? I wouldn’t do that, because I wasn’t. I suddenly felt foolish for being weak and picking up the phone. It was late anyway. He might not even be awake.

The ringing stopped, and it sounded like someone had picked up, but I heard no voice, I heard nothing. It was that hum of nothingness, the sound of silence slipped in through my phone. Perhaps he accidentally answered, or answered and then grew too scared to say anything. I didn’t know which one I hoped for; all I knew was that I felt stupid for calling him now. I should just hang up, hang up and go back to sleep, which I'm supposed to be doing right now anyway.

“Karlee?” I heard through the phone. It was his voice, but it was muffled and seemed to have a darker touch to it. Maybe I woke him up, or maybe he just really didn’t want to talk to me.

I wanted to speak, but what could I say? Where do I even begin? Every time I thought about Nick I always had all the right words picked out to say to him, I would write speeches in my head, all of them long and impressive. But now, now that I have the chance to actually use my words, I fell mute.

“Hi,” was all I could muster out of my lips. I felt so weak, so defeated for him having such a strong effect on me, still even after our time apart.

“It’s so nice to hear your voice. I thought I’d never hear it again.” I hadn’t woken him, because his voice didn’t sound sleepy. It sounded more…sad, like he had been crying. I didn’t even want to think about that possibility, nor even take a gander down that road. I laid myself back down onto my bed, the phone still to my ear.

“Well, you’re hearing it now.” I felt lame with all the word choices I was making. I made this phone call to get some answers out of him, to be assertive and firm. But now I just sounded like an ex girlfriend.

“And why even is that? Don’t you know what time it is?” It was a little past midnight. I stared at my clock on my nightstand, the only light in my room aside from the moonlight through my window shades.

“I think we should talk. Now that we’re both calm.” I pulled my blankets up to my neck, as if to prepare myself for whatever words were soon to come.

“I think that’s a good idea.” I didn’t really know how to start this conversation properly, and I didn’t really want to just blurt things out. I wanted to work my way into it softly, almost discretely.

“So, uh, how have you been?” It was a genuine question. I had no idea what Nick was getting himself into these days.

“I don’t really know a word to describe how I’ve been. Or one word at least. I’ve been feeling depressed, humiliated, lonely, drinking a lot, and mostly just all around hating myself.” I knew a part of me should have been satisfied to hear that, but all of me just felt bad for him, and I really hated it.

“You’re drinking again?” I knew the answer, since I had seen him at the party, but part of me felt bad since he was doing it because of me.

“I need something to keep me somewhat grounded.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” I felt my voice getting lower. I didn’t want to sound like I was really sympathizing with him, but I didn’t want to sound happy either. There was no happy medium.

“Don’t worry about it. I kind of did it to myself. How have you been?” How have I been? I’ve been up, I’ve been down, and every single stop in between.

“Alright, I guess.” I paused and thought back to what Axel had told me about Nick. He said that Nick hated it when I brought up my mother and father, so I decided to test him. “My father came by today.” His end was silent for a moment, as if he was processing what I said.

“Really? How did that go?” His voice had genuine concern, from what I could hear. I didn’t know if that angered me or made me feel better. I shrugged even though no one could see me.

“Fine. Nothing really got sorted out. Just a lot of apologizing.” I heard a small sigh escape from his end.

“Well, he’s not the only one who should be apologizing. I don’t even think I can comprehend to you in significant human words how sorry I am for what I did to you, Karlee. I think about it every single day, and it makes me want to hang myself.”

“I could say the exact same thing,” I snapped. I was getting tired of being apologized to, because it felt like no matter how many times the words came out, they still were as thin as paper, and about just as worthless. “Tell me what exactly happened that day before I got there.”

“You want everything that happened? Alright.” He took a deep breath before speaking again. “After you drove off from my house, I wanted nothing more than to just try and image that it didn’t happen. I wanted to just do something stupid to take my mind off of it. I wanted to get high, and I knew Axel had some left over weed. When I first got to his house, I had no idea that girl was there.”

“Emma,” I interrupted. I will never let him forget her name. He was quiet again for a bit. I bit my lip subconsciously, something I did when I was waiting.

“Yeah. Her.” His voice had grown exceptionally deeper, as if just saying those words filled him with an endless rage. “When I got there, I asked him if I could smoke some. He said sure. He went to go get it from his room, and he came back with her. He said that his cousin was staying overnight and asked if she could smoke with us. I didn’t care. So she did. Only a few minutes later, I started feeling the high, and everything seemed unreal, like I was in a dream.” I had only smoked marijuana once and that was with Nick. I knew exactly what he meant, but I felt like it didn’t really give him an out. “I don’t remember how many hits she had taken, or if it was her first time smoking or what, but she didn’t seem to be high at all.

“The next thing I know, Axel says he’s going to the kitchen for a minute. From what I remember, nearly right after he was out of sight, she moved herself closer to me and put her hands all over me. Now, I was still kind of out of it. But I didn’t touch her. Then she started kissing my neck until she got up to my face, and it all just kind of went from there.” I felt the water hiding behind my eyes, but I refused to cry over Nick. I wouldn’t do that again.

“You know that doesn’t make anything any better. It still hurt like hell Nick. Just because you were high does not mean that I wasn’t hurt. Just because you didn’t know what you were doing doesn’t mean that it’s any excuse.” I heard a lot of moving on his line; it sounded like he was getting himself under his sheets.

I had a strange and short sense of déjà vu. There were so many nights that Nick and I would spend on the phone up until crazy hours of the night, just talking, until we both fell asleep listening to each other. Every minute longer I spent on the phone with him, I regretted calling him even more and more.

“I know. Don’t you think I would understand by now how horrible I was? But what was I supposed to do? I thought I lost you.”

“Then chase after me!” I yelled, so loud that I worried that my mother heard. I was quiet if only for a few seconds to make sure she was still in bed. After I heard no movement, I figured I was in the clear. “That’s what you were supposed to do, Nick. I figured that if you really wanted me, you would fight for me. But maybe all of this is partially my fault. Maybe I shouldn’t have thought so highly of you.” I felt my voice growing lower and lower just as my emotions were. I got so low until it was almost a whisper. “You weren’t a knight in shining armor.” I spoke mostly for myself as the last words passed my lips. “You never were.”

“Karlee, I…” he trailed off. We both knew there was nothing to say, because we both knew it was true. “I wanted to be as much as I could be for you.” His voice got low again, and I could almost hear him holding back tears. I just hoped he couldn’t hear me doing the same.

“Let’s just face it. You and I never should have been together. It was just a freak slip of the universe. Sure, it started out great. But, you have to admit that as time went on, we began to drift and we didn’t do anything about it.” I thought back to those days with Nick, when we would sit on the phone in silence because we had nothing to say to each other. When he began to hang out with Axel more than me because we didn’t know what to do when we were with each other. I wanted to believe that it was just a rough patch, not because we were so horrible for each other. His end was silent for a long time.

“Well there was one thing we had in common,” he finally piped up, just above a whisper.

“What?”

“We loved each other. Or, at least I loved you.” I couldn’t deny it. I couldn’t sit here and say to him that I never had strong feelings for him, that I wasn’t infatuated with him, that I hadn’t loved him. I had, and that was one of the reasons it hurt so much. “I still love you.”

I had seen it coming. I knew those words were going to connect to my ear at some point within our conversation. And I tried to mentally prepare myself for it; I tried to think of words to say to him. But when it did come from his mouth, all I wanted to do was break down and tell him that I still felt the same. But I couldn’t. I refuse to lie to him.

“Don’t make me say it. Don’t make me be that person. I don’t want to hear it just as much as you.” I heard him laugh slightly, which was a bit of a shock.

“I’m sure I don’t want to hear it much more than you, actually. But it’s just as well. I figured you would feel that way. I just thought I would take a swing at it.” He was quiet for a minute, and the only thing that could be heard was our breathing and the static in the airways between phones. I stared at my clock, trying to count down to when the numbers would change. “I do mean it though.” I grabbed my blanket and ran it through my fingers.

“I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“You being in love with me.” I heard the softest of chuckles come from his end, and I could almost imagine that boyish smile that went with that sound.

“Don’t be. I don’t regret it.” I tried to hold it back, but I couldn’t stop a small smile from appearing on my face. It was always those sneaky comments that had always made me smile back when we were dating too.

“Well then, I guess I’ll see you around.” I felt weird trying to end the conversation after he had just admitted his feelings for me, but I had nothing else to say and I didn’t want to hear anything else either.

“I guess so. Hey one good thing about not having me around is that Axel won’t pick on you anymore. You won’t have to worry about him at all.” That small smile that had appeared on my face was completely gone. I didn’t know if I wanted to let Nick know what was going on with Axel and I or not. I more or so spoke without completely thinking, as I've realized I do a lot.

“Axel and I are actually getting along really well now.” I could almost hear his face morph into a shocked one.

“Really?”

“Yeah. We kind of kissed.” I wasn’t sure if I should have told him or not, but he was the one who cheated on me, so I think I have a little bit of a free pass on this one.

“Karlee,” his voice suddenly got really deep and serious, as if he was about to scold me. “Do not trust him.” I creased my brows, trying to make sense of his words.

“I thought he was your best friend?”

“He is. And because he is, I know all his dirty little secrets. Just please, do not trust him. Promise me.” I couldn’t really make a promise to not do something I've already done. Either way, I imagine that Nick was just saying things to make me stay away from him. My ex boyfriend who cheated on me is trying to tell me to stay away from a boy I really like. This is my reality.

“Okay well bye Nick.” I took my phone away from my ear to hit the end call button.

“Karlee—”

The line disconnected.

I placed my phone back down on my nightstand and pulled my blankets up closer to my shoulders. I closed my eyes, trying to block out everything. I didn’t want to bother trying to analyze Nick’s words. It was too late for that and I could feel my eyelids growing heavier and heavier, until they completely caved in.