Dance With the Devil

When I got back to my house it was dark out. I don’t know exactly how long I was at Eli’s for, but it was for the better half of my day. I didn’t say much to my mother when I got home. She was preoccupied with her renewed passion for baking anyway. I made my way up my staircase and into my room. I quietly, nearly without sound, shut my door behind me. I rested my bag next to my bed and collapsed into it. I was tired, but I couldn’t place why. I huffed into my bed, face down. I turned myself over onto my back and sat myself back up. I ripped my hoodie off, and was merely too lazy, or perhaps too tired to bother with taking my jeans off and putting only more comfortable pants. I lay back down, placing my head firmly on my pillow this time. My light was still on, and I wasn’t about to go turn it out. Despite me being so tired, I couldn’t image myself sleeping right now. I felt like I had too much on my mind for sleep to possibly take it away. Even if I did doze off, my problems would just greet me in my dreams. Or perhaps nightmares would be a better word.

In only a small glace of my room, it caught my eye; that tiny little purple pick that I had laid on my dresser days ago. It was still just as I left it, sitting there, nearly taunting me. I almost felt like I was in a staring contest with it, like if I looked away I would lose. But I had already lost. Having a day laughing with Eli was wonderful and easy, but it only merely distracted me from things that I had to face at some point. I feel like that’s the biggest misconception of teenagers; they see you laugh once and think you're perfectly fine, when you're really crumbling apart inside.

My feet swung off the bed and gently touched the floor. I carried myself over to my dresser and picked up that little Tortex pick in my hand carefully, as if it was made of glass. It looked just the same the night that Nick caught it at the concert, and just the same the night Axel handed it back to me from Nick. The pick now represented more than just me and Nick’s relationship. It represented this whole past two weeks of my life. This was evidently, between my father coming back, Nick cheating, and Axel lying to me, the worst two weeks of my life. Yet somehow, some of the best as well.

I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away either. Instead, my mine just kept going back to the person who had given it to me. I twiddled it between my fingers as my mind seemed to think for itself. Eli was right. I should call Nick. But what could I possibly say? There can’t be anything to say. But I felt like that nothingness was a necessary part if I ever wanted to get over all of this someday.

With the pick still in my hands, I leaned back over my bed again and reached for my phone, which sat on my nightstand. Just as the other night, I dialed in familiar digits and held the phone to my ear expectantly. The pick never left my fingers. I heard a voice after the second ring.

“Didn’t really think I’d be hearing from you again,” his voice said. It sounded mean and rough, like he had meant for it to be sarcastic and hurtful. Well at least he got the sarcastic part right.

“I didn’t think I’d have the need to call you again.” I heard him gulp on the other end, like he was drinking or eating something. I had a feeling I knew what it was, and I felt bad in a way. But not enough.

“Well to what to I owe this unexpected call?”

“You’ve been drinking haven’t you?” I had only talked to Nick one other time while he was drunk. He was the kind of drinker that turned angry at the world when he drank, and I hated it.

“So what if I have?” I sighed, and let myself feel bad for him.

“You shouldn’t have. You know how you get when you do.” I heard him chuckle on the other end, but I could tell there was no humor in his voice.

“And what do you care? What does anyone care what I do? I lost you, the only girl I would have laid down my life for, because my fake ass best friend set me up so he could get in your pants. No cared about me or my feelings during all that. So why should they start to care now?” I felt bad after hearing him word it that way. It made me sound like I was in on it, and I didn’t want to feel that way. I had never wanted to see Nick hurt, but I needed to look out for myself as well.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” I paused, trying to pick my words carefully. When Nick was drunk, everything was on eggshells. “I’m sorry about that whole thing.” He was quiet, but I could hear him breathing.

“What do you mean you’re sorry? What were you in on the whole thing?” His voice had gone more back to its normal Nick self, rather than angry drunk Nick.

“No, I was just as shocked as you were. Well, actually no, I was way more shocked than you were. But that doesn’t me that I'm not sorry that you were tricked like that. It’s horrible what Axel did, and I'm sorry it hurt you.” I heard him laugh humorlessly again, followed by a few more gulps. If I had been with him right now I would have taken the bottle away from him by now.

“Yeah, I’m sure you're really sorry. Don’t give me that crap, Karlee. I know that you and Axel have been sneaking around together. Don’t make me look stupid. I know everything that’s going on.” The pick, still in my hands, began to weigh heavier and heavier.

“If you know everything then I guess I shouldn’t bother telling you that I confronted Axel about what he did to you, and to me, today.” His line went completely quiet. I couldn’t hear him breathing, nor could I hear any background noise. For a moment, I wondered if he hung up. I tried to listen as hard as I could, but only when I heard a small sigh on his line did I know he was there. I felt like I was talking to a ghost.

“What happened with that?” His voice sounded small and apologetic. A common voice of his to hear when he was intoxicated.

“I broke up with him. That is, if we were even going out. We didn’t really have a defined relationship.” I stopped myself for a moment. It was so weird to think that Axel and I, whatever we did have, only lasted for about a week. It felt so much longer than that. “Not like you and I did, anyway.”

“So, you're forgiving me?” I twirled the pick in my hand for a long time before I responded.

“No.” I cared about Nick a lot, even after what we went through. I wanted him to be happy, I always wanted him to be happy. I never wanted any of this to happen, neither of us deserved it. But I know that life doesn’t go by what people deserve. “Nick, you still cheated on me. Whether it was set up or not, you kissed another girl. You were feeling up another girl half naked on top of you. I know that Axel couldn’t have directed the whole thing. You still knew what you were doing. You might have been tricked, but you were still alive and conscious during the whole thing. You could have turned away at any time, and you didn’t.” I flipped the pick in my hands, but I didn’t catch it in time. I felt it slip through my fingers, and in a second it was out of my sight on the floor. “You know exactly what happened with my mother and my father. And I have always admired my mother for not running right back to him. I’ve learned everything I know from my mom, including this. I’m sorry.” I heard a loud bang from his end. It sounded like a bang and then glass shattering shortly after. “What was that?”

“If you weren’t going to forgive me, then what the hell did you even call for?” His voice had grown considerably from the small sounds it was making only minutes ago. I was somewhat glad I wasn’t with him right now. Nick genuinely scared me when he got drunk like this.

“I guess I don’t really know. I’m just trying to do the best things for myself. I’m actually doing that now.”

“What are you talking about? I always tried to do the best for you while we were together!” I felt myself smile slowly.

“No, you made me think you were doing what was best for me. But you were actually doing what was best for you. I was always the one that had the make the effort in our relationship. And it shouldn’t be that way Nick. Relationships should be easy, they should come naturally. With ours, I felt like I had to do work. I don’t want to feel like I needed to work for your affection. And I did. Honestly, if Axel hadn’t of broken us up then, we would have eventually anyway. Nick, I will always care about you. You were the most important person in my life for the better half of two years. But everything dies eventually, and it’s just our time.” He wasn’t making a sound the entire time I spoke. I felt myself constantly wondering if he was even listening anymore. “I’m sorry.” I pulled the phone away from my ear, just about to end the call when I heard him pip up. I put the phone back to my ear.

“Karlee,” he said sounding like he was just learning how to speak again. Everything in his voice sounded shaky. “You deserve better than me.” I smiled slightly to myself.

“You deserve better than what you give yourself.” I pulled the phone from my ear, and this time I near no voice before I hung up.

I hung my head over the side of my bed, letting it hang. I wasn’t quite sure what I was feeling, but I wanted to image it was something along the lines of being content. I hadn’t really felt alright in a few days. It was nice to let some air back into my lungs finally.

I reached down a grabbed the pick from where it landed beside my bed. I stared at it for a moment, a smile creeping onto my face. I remembered the night. I couldn’t throw it away. I got it at a You Me At Six concert, from the guitarist himself. No matter who caught it, I couldn’t throw it away. It had some good memories attached to it, and not just because of the concert I was at.

I opened my nightstand drawer and threw the pick in with everything else in there. The drawer itself might as well be a time machine. It had so many little pieces of memorabilia from other things that had happened in my past. Some of them bad, some good, but all helping to make me who I am today.