Dance With the Devil

I had a new sense of self walking into school the next day. I felt better, like I had a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Maybe I did since I had spoken to Nick last night. But even if so, I still had a million other things to carry me down. I never lacked in reasons to be depressed.

The morning air had been chilly, but also clammy, like the feeling in the air before the rain began to fall. It was a nice change I suppose, since I was getting used to it being so cold around here that rain was one of the furthest things from my thoughts.

I still felt all the sets of eyes in the school on me when I was inside. I would probably be crowned the official laughing stock of the year at graduation. I heard people snicker as I walked by, I felt their gazes on me. It was degrading really, like I was some circus freak that was let out of its cage. I can imagine that the rumors about Andrew and I will spread around like wildfire, if they hadn’t already. By the end of the year, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear from someone that I was pregnant with Andrew’s twins. My school had a tendency to do that, to run with the rumors rather than the truth. When the rumors were always so much more interesting, why would anyone want the truth?

As I walked down the hallway, I felt more alone than anything. I missed Aubrey. I had been such a jerk to her, and she hadn’t deserved it. With my books in hand, I glanced up at the clock that hung above the offices. I only had ten minutes before classes started. I wanted to see Aubrey, but I feared that I wouldn’t make it back in time. But then I reconsidered. I didn’t want to go to first period. Andrew and Amber were there, and it was evident that Mr. Lee didn’t like me anymore, or at least not as much. I didn’t really care about what we were learning anyway. It was the same stuff I’ve learned about five times now.

Our school was shaped like a giant ‘E,’ with the three prongs being different wings in the building. My first period and Aubrey’s first period were the farthest apart, with mine being in the first wing, and hers being in the third. I walked past the turning point that I would normally take to reach my class, and instead kept on heading straight. Kids were rushing past me, knocking into me, nearly shoving me into lockers, all in order to get to class on time. I probably would have been among them had I not had a fight with Aubrey, but I figured this was more important than school. In my life, I had always put school before a lot of things. I had always felt like if I couldn’t have anything in this world, a family, a father, I would be intelligent. I had always pursued school only so intently only so I wouldn't end up like how everyone thought I would. I wanted to prove that I could do something; be someone. But that didn’t matter anymore. And I knew why. Because if I didn’t have my friends, it didn't matter if I became someone or not. I wouldn’t like myself.

The warning bell sounded, which let students know that there were only five minutes left until the actual bell would sound. It sounded louder in the hallways, but I never would have known that. I turned the corner to the third wing, and I was lucky in the sense that Aubrey’s class was one of the first rooms once turned in. I gingerly stepped up towards the doorway that was still open. I poked my head in, scanning the room for that blue eyed, blonde haired girl. My eyes saw her hair before anything; it was so blonde it always stuck out.

Her head was down though, probably writing something. I quietly tapped on the door, hoping she would look up. Other kids were staring at me, but that was expected. Finally, someone next to her who must have seen that I was trying to get her attention tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around to look at him, and he pointed towards the doorway. I smiled slightly, with a bit of an apologetic look on my face. She stared at me for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face, when she finally got up and walked over to me quickly. She pushed me out of the sight of her classmates once in the hall.

“What are you doing here? Class starts in like two minutes,” she said sounding more worried for me than anything. I shrugged slightly.

“I don’t care. Look, I don’t know if you heard anything from anyone, but whatever was going on between Axel and I is done. I can now see how stupid I’ve been acting this past week, and I’m really sorry I hurt you Aubrey.” She smiled slyly and waved me off.

“Forget about it. Eli told me about Axel tricking you and Nick or whatever. And honestly, I’m just sorry that happened to you. Are you ok?” I smiled with a sigh, more so of relief than anything.

“Yeah, I think I’m alright. I’m just not the biggest fan of the male population right now.” Aubrey knew about my father coming back for the day. Eli had told me that he told her when I was with him yesterday. She giggled slightly as a kid literally ran past us in the halls.

“Yeah. Once I heard about what Axel did, everything and anything that ever led me to have an attraction to him turned off, literally like a switch it was so fast. I got my eye on someone knew now anyway.” I raised one brow at her. I was still sure Aubrey liked Eli, but I wasn’t going to pry on her about it.

“Who?”

“Andrew Nelson.” My face broke away from the expression it was making and contorted into a new one of shock and horror.

“What?”

“I’m kidding!” she began to laugh as my face returned to normal and my emotions lowered back down into the healthy zone. “As your best friend, it’s my job to make sure you never live down your stupid mistakes.” I mocked her playful face.

“Oh ha ha. You’re a comic genius.” She giggled again as my face turned into a more serious kind of smile. “So, we are best friends again?” Her face returned to a very normal, somewhat serious, somewhat humorous kind of face. I could never really grasp Aubrey’s expressions fully.

“We never stopped. Oh come on, you should know that I’ll always be here with power tools when some of your screws come loose.” Her lips moved into a cheesy smile. I grabbed at the strap of my bag as I peered down the hallway. It was nearly vacant except for the kids who were always late to class. The bell would sound any second. I turned back to her with a fox-like grin.

“Aw, what a pal.” I jokingly punched her in the arm.

“Yeah, and as a pal, I would suggest you mosey on down to your class. The bell’s going to ring any second. Can’t keep the peasants waiting, you know.” I laughed as I began to back up slightly. I loved Aubrey’s sense of humor more than anyone else’s. She retreated back into her room as well.

“Oh well, wait they shall.” I began to turn back so I could walk properly down the hallway. I heard her laugh from behind me before the bell rang out. Normally being late would have made me so angry, but as I walked through the nearly vacant halls, I felt very alright for the first time in a few days.

When the dismissal bell rang out at the end of last period, I was one of the first people out of the door, only because unlike most days I had to go to my locker and put my big bulky math book away. I hated taking it home, mostly because it didn’t fit in my bag and I hated carrying books around physically by hand. I scurried my way through the hustle and bustle of the traffic of students at the end of the day all the way to my locker. I didn’t like my locker at all. It was right in the second wing, the middle one and also the busiest at all times. When I finally did reach my locker I twisted in the numbers matching my combination and had to pull it open forcefully. My locker had a tendency to stick shut, leaving me to have to pry it open almost every time. As I said, I hate my locker.

Upon pulling the door away from the wall, I little piece of paper fluttered down to my feet. It looked like a crumpled up piece of paper, sloppily folded and crammed through the small vents in the locker. I reached down and picked it up, unfolding it in the process. I allowed my eyes to scan the page and make sense of the messy words and letters.

Is it still the night if the moon is lost in sight?
Is still the day when the sun will not shine?
Forgive me for I was so blind.
You are the rose in the field of thorns,
A millennium it seems for you I have adored.
Return to me my moon and my sun,
There is no yin and yang if they are not one.

I recognized the familiar poetry and writing style after the first line. The words were so beautiful, but I didn’t want to look at them as beautiful. I wanted to see them as something more terrible than that, something faultier. But there was nothing. They were just beautiful. There was more writing near the bottom of the page.

I know you’re mad at me, and you have the right to be. I was really wrong. Trust me; I've been beating myself up ever since yesterday. But let me make it up to you, if you’ll allow that. Meet me after school in the greenhouse around back. At least give me a chance for you to see how sorry I am. –Axel

I could feel every bone in my body telling me not to go, that it was going to another sort of elaborate trick. I stared at the crinkled piece of paper in my hands. There were eraser marks all over it, over the poem and the letter itself, like he had spent so much thought and time on the words he was putting down. Axel made it hard for me to try to dislike him when he still seemed so lost in everything he did. It made me pity him more than anything. I threw my book into my locker and slammed it shut, the letter still in my hand. I then began walking down the hall, still trying to dodge people and things that might be getting thrown in the end of the day havoc.

When I emerged from the school, it was raining. It was a nice change from snow, but I hated the rain. I hated when the earth was all wet, it made me feel like I was going to slip at any second. There were a few busses that loaded from around the back, and some kids were in the process of running to their busses before they left without them. I stood under the landing that connected to the school to shield myself from the rain. I could hear the faint pitter patter of it hitting the roof above me. I hated the actual thing, but I loved the sound of rain. It was so calming.

The engines of the busses all began to steam to life, a sign that they were about to leave. One by one they followed each other out around to the other side of the school, exposing the other side of the road they were blocking. Beyond it stood a greenhouse for the gardening club. It was small, but normally really cozy inside and a very common place for kids to sneak off to and make out in. I prayed that’s not what waited for me inside.

I ran through the rain as quickly as I could before I got soaked. It wasn’t coming down that hard, but hard enough that if I was exposed to the clouds, I would get pretty wet. I opened the door slowly, just in case he was going to jump out at me or something along those lines. Though, upon entering, I felt like I walked into my dreams. All along the tables, in the pots, and even hanging from ceilings were flowers. Everywhere there were flowers of every color, every variety. I stepped in even further and walked along some of the tables. Each and every plant seemed to be so closely looked after, so closely examined. It partly broke my heart in the process though. I ran my fingers gently over the petal of a more sad looking flower. It broke my heart because he remembered, and I didn’t want to be with him anymore.

It had been the night that we went to the diner and he was taking me home. The ride had been mostly silence, except for one distinct part, that I was almost positive he wasn’t listening to. The roads had been icy from the weather and snow, and a car in front of Axel was coming to a red light and the car’s tires slid on the ice, nearly not stopping in time. I remember Axel heaving a big sigh. I turned to him and tried to examine his face. It was a mixture between annoyed and worried.

“Damn weather,” he muttered. “I swear I can’t wait to leave this state.” From his face I could tell that the light had flicked to green, as it reflected off of his face. I turned to look back forward again, a small smile crossing my lips.

“I don’t mind Colorado. Honestly, I don’t think I would mind anywhere. I just want to go someplace beautiful one day. Anywhere. Maybe someplace with thousands of flowers, blue skies, animals running around freely. Someplace with a lot of vibrant color and pretty sounds.”

“So basically, you want to live in a Disney movie.” I had looked over and he had glanced at me as well, that wry little smile peeking out from under his lips. I mirrored his smile and turned back to face forward.

“A girl can dream, can’t she?”

And then that was it. That was the end of the conversation. The rest of the ride home was complete and utter silence. And yet, he remembered. A smile couldn’t help but cross my lips.

I peered around every table but I didn’t see Axel anywhere. Maybe he didn’t actually want to be here, he just wanted me to see what he did. That is, if he even did it. I might be giving him too much credit.

The greenhouse door opened again, and I could only tell because the sound of the rain got louder for a moment before it got quiet again. I turned to face the door, and just as I had figured, the boy with eyes the color of a snake came dripping in. His hair and clothes looked damp, and he just looked all around freezing. I walked up to him slowly, lacing my fingers around the pots as I approached. When his eyes met mine, there was something different in them, but I couldn’t place what.

“Did you do all of this?” I asked. He looked around himself, admiring all the flowers and other plants around us. He then took his attention back to me.

“I wish.” Well there goes that idea. I knew I was giving him too much credit. “It was the best thing I could think to do for you on such short notice.” I smiled at him. I had to admit, as wrong as he was, and as bad as what he did was, he such was doing everything he could to try and make up for it. He took looked around the house again. It looked beautiful, completely. There wasn’t one ugly part inside. And the tapping of the rain on the thin glasshouse walls only made it feel cozier. “Do you like it?”

“I love it,” I replied without hesitation. I saw him staring at a rose bush next to him. He had a smile on his face, though I think more subconsciously than anything.

“Good. I just want you to be happy Darcy.” I felt the sides of my mouth quickly recede back down to normal. I blinked at Axel a few times; his eyes were still on the rose.

“Darcy?” I egged, in a more quiet voice than I was speaking in. His face and entire body nearly spun to face me. The smile on his face disappeared too.

“Karlee. I mean Karlee.” The biggest realization of my entire life slowly began to be eaten alive by my conscious, and I felt my heart sink. I hung my head down slightly lower and closed my eyes some, I wiped my hand over my eyelids until it ended up sitting on top of my mouth. “Karlee?” I heard Axel say when I was quiet for a moment. I tried to gather all the sanity and strength that I had, and lifted my head back up. I could now see what was so different in his eyes. I pointed to one of the benches by the wall.

“Sit down Axel. I think I just figured you out.” He let out a chuckle, yet there wasn’t the slightest trace of humor in his voice.

“What are you talking about?” I walked towards him and placed my hand on his chest. I was right, he was damp. His clothes were freezing cold from not only being wet, but from how chilling the wind is. It’s a miracle that the plants can even grow in here with just the sun and a small heater. I pushed him lightly towards the bench and he sat down without a word. I placed myself next to him. I took his hand in mine, though not in a romantic way. I wanted to do it in a comforting way.

“Axel,” I said looking into his eyes. They were still just as beautiful as the first day I had seen them, however now I could see all the darker shades of green that clouded the brightness was just a metaphor for what he actually went through. Maybe that’s what was so different about them now. “I want you to tell me about Darcy again. But this time, I don’t want to know about what she did. I don’t care what she did. I want to know how you felt when it happened.” I sounded like a therapist and I didn’t really like it. I could feel him shivering, and I hoped it was from the cold.

“I, uh,” he stuttered. He stared at me like he didn’t know how to speak English. I think he had made the realization at the same time as I did, and I think it scared him. I felt him squeeze my hand. “I felt like dying. It was the worst thing I ever remember feeling. It was shortly after my mom died that I found her, and I had depended on her to help me through the death. She did, but then I started to see her as someone I could completely trust. We were friends for years before we dated. I trusted her with my life practically. And then when I found out about her and her cheating, her multiple cheatings, I should say, it felt like being murdered while alive. I just couldn’t understand what I had done that was so wrong.” His grip on my hand never let up. I wasn’t going to let my pride get me this time. I allowed myself to feel bad for him. No one should be forced to feel that way.

“I’m sure you didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it was her problem.” I somewhat expected a violent reaction, I wasn’t quite sure what I was dealing with here. I knew it was some sort of psychological issue, but I in no means of the word was a psychologist. However, he stayed completely calm.

“All I wanted to do was make her happy.” I ran strings of words through my head, speaking them over and over again in my mind, trying to make sure they sounded alright before I spoke. I knew I was dealing with a very delicate issue, and I wanted to treat it as such.

“Axel, I think—”

“You don’t need to say it. I already know what it’s going to be anyway.” He paused momentarily. He played with my fingers for a moment, going back and forth between locking our hands together and unlocking them. He wasn’t look at me though, but at our hands. “I think I’ve known for some time. I just didn’t want to think about it.” His eyes wandered back to me. “When I first moved here, I wanted nothing to do with her. I didn’t want to think about her at all. But when I met you, I saw so much of her in you. So much that I couldn’t help but be pulled to you.” His voice sounded normal, but if you listened close enough, you could hear the pain behind it. With every word he said, more and more pieces of the puzzle I created of Axel in my head fell into place.

“I figured that if I could make you happy, then maybe I could make her happy too.” He was looking around the room now, his eyes not staying on the same thing for more than a minute. His fingers had gone still, and he would look at everything except for me. “I do want you to know though however that I do really have feelings for you. I didn’t just use you. I have a genuine attraction to you, but I feel like I wouldn’t have that, had you not reminded me of her, and that just made me want to be with you even more than I already did,” he paused. His fingers twitched slightly. “But then of course there was the matter of Nick. I—,” he stopped himself short again. His head shook lightly from side to side, like he was unsure of an answer. Axel turned his head towards me then. “You’re going to hate me for saying this.” It was so obvious now, the pain in his eyes. I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.

“I probably won’t.” He shook his head again and looked away.

“I thought that if I broke you and Nick up, and you came running to me, then it would justify why Darcy cheated on me all those times. I thought it would make me feel better, but after I did it I realized that I was just as bad as her. And I, no. No, I can’t say it.” I was the one to squeeze his hand this time. I spoke to the back of his head.

“Axel, I don’t care if what you're about to say offends me. I think it’s more important that you admit these things to yourself rather than try to worry about my feelings.” His head turned to face forward.

“When I split you and Nick up, it made me happy because it felt like I split up Darcy and one of her cheaters.” He turned nearly his entire body to face me now. His words hadn’t hurt because I had already guessed that was the case in my mind, or at least something like it. “Now that I’ve done all this, you can’t imagine how sorry I am. I never meant to do any of this to you. I’m not upset with you, or even Nick to be honest. I was mad at myself and mad at Darcy. I had a feeling that after we broke up that I should have gone to a therapist or something, but I refused. I thought I was alright. But I’m clearly not, and I’m now the reason that you and your boyfriend aren’t together and I feel like shit and I’m just so sorry.” His voice caught on his last sentence, and the moisture in his eyes had been building as he was talking. Again, I didn’t let my pride get to me this time. I placed my arm around his shoulder and kept my other hand in his. He was the one apologizing to me, yet I was the one who felt bad for him. I had no idea that he had been through so much trauma in the breakup that it left emotional and psychological scars on him. As far as I knew, I thought his girlfriend cheated on him a lot and he was pissed.

I didn’t know what to say to Axel. What could I possibly say to someone in this state of mind? I hadn’t been insulted or offended at all by anything he said. If anything, it made me feel better to know that it wasn’t something personal. He was shivering under my arm, but I still couldn’t tell if it was from coldness or sadness, but I didn’t think it was from the cold anymore. I felt like there were no real words to help, only Band-Aid words that stopped the pain momentarily.

“Axel,” I somewhat cooed. “What Darcy did to you, you didn’t deserve it. I might not know the entire story, but I can tell you one thing. Two weeks ago I damn near hated you. But within a few simple days you made me go from hating you to caring about you above other people. I don’t know many people who can do that. Whatever made Darcy cheat on you and leave you, I have no idea, because you are not a bad person. Whatever happened between you and her, it was her fault to lose someone like you.” He lifted his head up slightly, and I could see the trail that a tear led down his cheek. I took my hand away from his and pull my sleep down over my fingers and wiped away the tear. I tried to smile at him sweetly.

“Thank you. And I don’t just mean for this. I mean for everything.” I pat his back lightly and stood up. I extended out my hand to him to help him get up. He grabbed it, but didn’t really need my assistance since he was stronger and taller than me. He took his hand away after he was up, however he did lean in to hug me. I hugged him back probably tighter than he was. When he pulled away, his eyes looked drier and there was a tiny smile placed on his thin lips.

“So, you going to be ok?” Axel’s head nodded slowly.

“Yeah, should be. I think I’m finally going to advance on that therapist thing. Or at least a counselor. I need someone to get into my head other than me once in a while. It gets pretty damn dark and lonely in there.”

“Want me to go with you?” I asked.

“Nah. I think your role in this whole thing is finally done. Well played, though.” It was actually refreshing to hear his regular sarcastic self again. My grin evolved into a smile, and it was the most genuine smile that I had worn in days.