Where You Belong

"Britt, you're hiding something from me, and I know it."

With a sigh, I ducked out of the kitchen and into the living room, getting the apartment ready for what seemed to be the group's weekly barbeque, here at my place. As I started dusting the furniture, Zack rounded the corner and crossed his arms over his chest, giving me a pointed stare.

"Zack," I sighed, setting down the rag I'd been using before turning to face him, "Please. Not right now." I replied tiredly, holding a hand up as I leaned against the couch, all of a sudden feeling the energy drain right out of me.

"If not now, then when? For weeks, you've been off, and I decided not to question it. But now, I can see that something is really wrong, and I'm worried! Can you blame me?"

"No, I--"

"You're pale, you've gained weight. You're always tired, always crying. You can never sleep. At first, you were eating a lot, now you're not eating at all. You lie and say you're gonna go check something, or go get something, but I know you've been throwing up. What the fuck is going on?" he growled impatiently, grabbing me by the arm to keep me from moving.

"I-- I can't get into this right now, Zack, I really can't," I whispered in defeat, looking away from him. I knew he was beyond worried. I'd figured he'd had his suspicions before, just didn't voice them, but the last two weeks had been beyond rough on me. I wasn't all that surprised that he'd started noticing things; life had been too hectic lately to keep everything concealed.

And I knew if I looked into his eyes, he'd have me spilling my guts in a matter of seconds.

I was now twenty weeks into my pregnancy-- that was officially halfway through. I'd gained close to ten pounds of weight, accounting for amniotic fluid, along with the baby. I was pretty sure that everyone at work knew I was pregnant now, since the weight was easily noticeable on me because of my naturally small frame. In return, I'd spent less time around my friends, hoping to stall for as long as possible so that I could think of a way to tell them about the baby. Whenever I did see them, I wore large hoodies and sweatshirts, hoping to hide my bump, much to Leana's dismay.

As Zack had mentioned, the morning sickness was worse than it ever was before. I'd been having pain in my legs, which the doctors had told me was sciatic nerve pain, due to the baby sitting on top of a nerve responsible for sensory and motor function in the lower half of my body. I'd officially stopped wearing heels for that very reason, and it was also extremely easy for my legs to give out. Zack had noticed almost immediately that my symptoms--or health, as he was led to believe, had gotten worse, and was constantly checking up on me. He'd begun getting more and more suspicious recently because I'd had no choice but to hide away and be sick.

But it didn't end there.

Mike had been calling lately. When he'd first called, I hadn't heard my phone, and he'd ended up leaving a message. Once I saw that he'd called, I'd felt my spirits soar. I'd thought that maybe he'd thought things through and wanted to make things work again. But as I'd listened to his message, I knew he hadn't changed a bit. He was still living in denial, telling me of his plans to take me to various places as if I wasn't five months pregnant, as if he hadn't called for three months, and as if he hadn't been fucking around on me for God only knows how long.

I didn't return his call.

Ever since then, he'd been calling several times a day, every day. At first, he'd left messages expressing his confusion as to why I hadn't returned his messages. Over the next few days, his confused messages turned into ones of frustration, then annoyance. It wasn't long before he'd started leaving me angry, derogatory rants on my voice mail.

Under normal circumstances, I would've replied with a rage he'd never dreamed of seeing in his natural born life. Unfortunately, I couldn't just fly off the handle like I used to, now that I was expecting. My pregnancy was considered a difficult one, and my doctor had expressed his concern many times over about my stress levels. They were high; they'd started out high in the beginning of my pregnancy, and only seemed to be getting higher the further into pregnancy I became. The whole situation with Mike wasn't making things any easier on me, hence Zack's strengthened suspicions.

"What the fuck do you mean you can't? You're deathly sick all of the time! Every time I see you, which isn't as often as it used to be, you look worse and worse!" he snapped, reaching his hands up and yanking at his hair. "What's going on? Why can't you just tell me?"

Ouch. Well, that sure helps my self esteem.

"Zack," I sighed, causing him to growl in annoyance. I didn't bother saying anything else after that, knowing that he was getting to the end of his rope. If there was one thing I knew about this man, it was that once he got angry, there was no going back.

"When did things get so bad that you feel like you can't fucking come to me, huh? We've always told each other everything; I've been there every time you needed my help. Why shut me out now?"

I lost my nerve at that. He thought that I didn't trust him anymore, which was far from the truth. I trusted him implicitly, and always would. It hurt me to think that the secret I was keeping from him had caused him to doubt our friendship, and it hurt me even more to know that he was hurting just knowing that I was hurting. I'd never meant to hurt him at all; I was merely trying to protect not only myself, but my child.

"I'm sorry," I whispered helplessly, swiping my bangs out of my eyes as I put the dust rag down. I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly, allowing my eyes to flutter shut momentarily.

In that quick second, I'd been able to feel my own stress levels spike, resulting in a quick energy drop. I grabbed onto the arm of the couch as my knees buckled, breathing out again as I felt the tears that had welled in my eyes fall freely down my cheeks.

"Shit," Zack muttered, and within a flash, he was hovering over me, pushing me to sit down on the couch as he held my face in between his two hands, "Babe, what are you sorry for?" he asked wearily, eyeing me with worry as I bolted my lips shut, hoping to keep in the sobs that would undoubtedly rack my body soon.

I felt my heart clench as I looked into his eyes, taking notice of all the concern and fear swirling around in the depths of his green orbs, and closed my eyes. I couldn't look at him for fear of completely losing it, and I knew I had to take it easy and keep my emotions under control so that I wouldn't further complicate my pregnancy. I was silent for a while, but Zack hadn't made a single move to leave. His eyes stayed on me, and that alone was unnerving to me.

When I knew I could handle my emotions, I spoke, "I don't mean to worry you, or make you feel upset," I whispered hoarsely, keeping my eyes away from his, "There are just some things I haven't been able to come to terms with yet...things that sometimes I wish I could change, or...I don't know. It just, it hurts, okay? And the longer I can stay in denial about everything, the longer I'll have to let myself heal." I ended with a sigh, watching his chest heave up and down rapidly at my statement. I knew he was getting angry now.

"It's because of what he did, isn't it?" he asked tensely, clearly holding back a snarl.
I decided to be as honest as I could, "It is," I confirmed, feeling his grip on my hips tighten slightly, "And one day everyone will know the truth. I'm just not ready for that, yet."

It was long before Zack spoke again. I knew he was trying to rope his anger back in, and wouldn't risk saying anything else to upset the both of us before he'd calmed down some. I'd since settled back into the couch some, my gaze never leaving Zack's face as he struggled to regain his composure. I watched as he continued breathing heavily, his own gaze focused downwards as he subconsciously rubbed my legs, from my knees to mid thigh. I knew he wasn't thinking anything of his actions, he was just doing it to take his mind off his anger, but it didn't mean that I wasn't thinking about it.

He doesn't mean to, I thought desperately to myself, He doesn't realize how it's affecting you, and you can't help how you feel. You're pregnant, it happens all the time.

I had to convince myself of that. I had to remember that we were just friends, and that anytime I felt slightly turned on by his touch, no matter how innocent, it was just because of all the extra blood flow going through my body, due to my being pregnant. It was nothing but my hormones driving me banana sandwiches. Nothing more, nothing less.

"I'll kill him for putting you in this state," he uttered quietly, his gaze far away, "He'll never get away with doing this to you. I guarantee you that."

I couldn't help but feel worried as I picked up on the determined edge in his voice.

***

"I don't know how you managed to do all of this, babe," Michelle groaned as took a bite of one of the cakes I'd made, gesturing towards all the dishes of food and deserts that I'd made for our little gathering of sorts. "By yourself, none the less! It's total suicide."

It sure felt like suicide, too.

I smiled tiredly from my spot on the couch, taking a deep breath and exhaling. I could feel Leana's worried gaze on me, as well as Zack's. I'd stood up for hours, cooking meats, boiling noodles, frying fish, baking and frosting cakes, mixing drinks before everyone had arrived. To say that I was worn out was an understatement, but I didn't mind doing these things for my friends. They were the best, and deserved the best.

"It's so fucking amazing though, Britt," Matt sighed, walking out of the small kitchen with another plate full of fried fish, slathered in ketchup. A beer sat in his other hand, and I couldn't help but to giggle as he went to go sit by Val on the loveseat, who'd long since eaten herself into oblivion and fallen asleep for a little catnap.

I yawned, stretching my legs out in front of myself, "I'm glad you all like it."

"Like it?" Jimmy gasped incredulously, eyeing me strangely, "I fucking love it! I always have missed your cooking, B, you know that!"

"Yeah, Lacey agreed, trying a piece of the fish and potato salad for herself, "You've completely outdone yourself. Though you look a little tired. Have you eaten?"

I cringed as Lacey's remark alerted Zack to the fact that I actually hadn't eaten. I'd been so busy cooking and serving everyone, that I'd forgotten to at least serve myself. Zack immediately stood from his spot next to me and headed straight for the kitchen, mumbling profanities under his breath. Leana fixed me with a pointed stare from across the room, silently scolding me for not remembering to eat, and I shrugged sheepishly.

I sighed, noticing Lacey was looking at me expectantly, "I guess I was just so busy that I forgot," I mumbled. She nodded and turned back to Johnny, seemingly satisfied with the answer I'd given her."

Zack returned with a large plate of food, "Well, now you don't have to worry. Here." he handed me the plate he'd loaded down with various foods, his tone firm and daring me to argue.

"Thanks," I mumbled tiredly, setting the plate on Zack's legs once he sat down. He eyed me with a strange expression as I leaned into his side, his arm instantly coiling around my shoulders as I used a fork to dig into the potato salad on the plate. I didn't want to tell him I was feeling too weak to hold my own plate, but I assumed he'd already figured that out when he sighed heavily.

I stopped eating once I'd finished everything on my plate, knowing Zack would have my head otherwise. With a smile, he leaned down and kissed my temple before Leana walked over and took the plate to return it to the kitchen sink. I silently thanked her when she came back and caught my gaze.

From there, I fell silent as I watched the rest of my friends joke around and share stories, some I'd been a part of, others that I'd missed. I'd felt Zack stick a pillow behind my back at some point, though I hadn't paid it much attention. Brian and Michelle argued playfully over whose eyeliner was better, causing me to chuckle softly at the two of them. I could feel the food I'd eaten beginning to settle into my stomach, hopefully properly, and curled into Zack's side once he'd begun stroking my knee, slowly lulling me to sleep.

I should've known it wouldn't last for long.

As soon as my eyes had started to flutter shut, the doorbell rang. With a sigh, I moved to sit up and go answer the door, but Zack held me down. Brian laughed as I sleepily scowled up at Zack, offering to answer the door himself. I didn't say anything in reply; I simply reclosed my eyes and curled back into Zack's body, hoping to get in a good nap before having to clean the kitchen later.

"Hey, man," I heard Bri's voice from the door down the hallway, "Can I help you with something?"

The voice I'd heard next made my blood run cold, and my eyes snapped open as I sat up quickly, gaining everyone's attention, "No, you can't. But if my girlfriend is here, then she sure as hell can help me."

I felt my heart drop into my stomach as Michael rounded the corner, not looking pleased in the least bit.

It seemed as though the truth had decided to come out today, whether I wanted it to, or not.