Where You Belong

I’d never really been prepared to take on motherhood the first time around.

I’d been fresh out of college and right in the middle of a steady relationship. No experience with kids, other than the few young relatives in my extended family. I’d never done much baby sitting; I’d always had some little job to keep me busy, so I didn’t have to fall back on that option. I’d never taken any parenting class, and I wasn’t surrounded by friends who were all having kids young.

I was terrified when I’d first found out I was pregnant with Mason. I knew I was inexperienced. I knew I was too young and barely financially stable enough to make a living for myself. I knew everyone would freak out whenever they found out. But I also knew that despite my lack of preparation, I had a little life that depended on me. And I couldn’t let him down.

This time was no different. But here I was, terrified to all hell as though I hadn’t done this before.

“Calm down and take deep breaths,” Leana instructed quietly, leaning casually in the sand as she flipped through her magazine, “Someone’s gonna figure you out if you don’t keep it together.”

I kept silent, though I glared at her from behind the dark shades I wore. She said nothing else as she continued to read, and I was left alone with my thoughts once more.

Today was one of those random lazy days that the group had. While the boys were getting ready to start a small tour overseas, they had some downtime for the next two weeks before they left. The girls and I, however, were always on a different schedule. Lacey was nearing her final exams for school, and spent the majority of her time studying. Michelle was still helping out with both Brian and Zack’s clothing lines, as well as designing her own stuff. Leana and Val were a little more flexible, but not by much. And of course, I was working a lot to get Mason prepared for preschool. Free time was hard for all of us to come by at the same time these days.

“I love beach days,” Lacey mumbled from my other side, peeking an eye open and checking the developing tan on her arm.

Michelle snorted from a few feet away, “Seriously, Lace? We live in a beach town. Why you choose to coop yourself up inside when we have such great weather is beyond me.”

I figured that Lacey would retaliate, but she simply flapped a lazy hand in Michelle’s direction. Val shook her head and smiled, offering Matt a can of bear as he came strolling over. With a heavy thud, he plopped down onto the sand next to her and curled his arms around her waist. I grinned as Val’s face turned red when he started muttering into her ear, no doubt something perverted.

Looking away from the couple, I reached into the cooler between Leana and I and pulled out a water bottle. It was only spring time, but the weather had been extremely warm lately. It was nearing the upper eighties today, and I was drenched in sweat with the light coverup dress I wore over my bikini. Val had suggested earlier that I take it off, but I didn’t want to. I just didn’t feel comfortable bearing my stomach, even if we didn’t know for sure about my current condition.

It’d been a few weeks since Leana and Michelle had suggested that I take a pregnancy test, and I still hadn’t done so. I couldn’t. I was afraid of what it would say. I knew what it would say. The signs were there, and while I couldn’t just ignore them anymore, I still didn’t want to accept them. Once again, it was too soon, and I was still too young. Mason was just over a year old, and I wasn’t any more financially stable now than I had been when I’d first had him. Sure, Zack was there, but I didn’t like using his money. I would never ask him for help, though he’d take it upon himself to pay for things. I didn’t want that; it felt as though I was mooching off him.

“Something on your mind?”

Startled, I blinked and looked straight into a pair of green orbs. I smiled and leaned over, pressing my lips to Zack’s for a moment before pulling away. He was quiet, hair dripping wet with ocean water and holding my babbling son in his colorful arms as he stared expectantly at me.

I shook my head, “Just day dreaming.”

I took the opportunity to change the subject once I took a look at Mason. He was covered in sand and muttering incoherently, but he was happy. I smiled and pressed a kiss to his forehead before reaching into my tote bag and grabbing his sun screen.

“Let Momma see you,” I directed, holding out my arms to him.

His light brown eyes flickered to me instantly, and a goofy smile plastered itself on his face. I rolled my eyes and took him into my arms, sitting him between my legs as I lathered his body in sunscreen. It did nothing for the obvious tanning of his already dark skin, but it would keep him from developing a heat rash or sunburn.

I worked as quickly as I could, knowing it wouldn’t be long before he started whining and throwing a fit. The guys had turned him into a complete beach bum; he absolutely loved the sand and the ocean. He’d already begun pointing in the direction of the sea, staring out at the water with a longing expression.

“Alright, alright, I’m done,” I chuckled, letting him go as he began squirming. He crawled his way back into Zack’s arms and curled up against his chest. I smiled at that, “Zee, this is the most I’ve ever seen you out in the sun.”

He cracked a smile, “I can’t deny my little man anything, baby; you know that.”

I believed that. Mason had Zack wrapped around his little finger, whether he knew that or not. Zack was extremely protective of him, and everyone knew it. The fact that Zack was out in the sun for hours on end with no shades or covered from head to toe in dark clothing proved Mason’s hold over him. Zack despised the sun more than a vampire ever would.

“Come with us.”

I snapped my gaze back to Zack, “Huh?”

“Come out to the water with us,” he smiled, offering his free hand to me.

I sighed, but didn’t protest. I could see how Leana had discreetly abandoned her magazine and was now eyeing us with a smile. She’d give me hell if I declined, and I knew it. I nodded and allowed him to pull me to my feet. Just as I leaned down and set my bottle on my towel, I caught Leana’s eye. She motioned to take off my cover up, and I sent her a nasty glare. She ignored it and continued pestering me. I silently spat all sorts of curses at her as I tore the dress from my body and took Zack’s hand.

“For someone who loves the beach as much as Mason, that was like pulling teeth,” Zack smirked in my direction, pulling me closer to his side as we waded into the water.

I grinned, “I’m just tired, and you know Lee. Constantly on my ass for something.”

He chuckled and nodded in understanding, “She’d make one hell of a mom.”

I nodded, chewing the inside of my lip as Mason leaned down and began splashing at the water below him. He shrieked happily, swatting some more as the water rose around Zack’s waist. That meant the water was nearly up to my chest. I held onto him as the water pushed past us and the wind kicked up. It wouldn’t take much to blow my little self away, so I made sure to anchor myself against him.

“I swear, it’s like you’ve never grown throughout all these years.”

I glared playfully at Zack, who eyed me with a cheeky grin, “I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, Mr. Baker.”

Again he grinned, “I think you know exactly how to take it.”

“I think that remark has a double meaning,” I narrowed my eyes at him, watching as his eyes darkened in color. The stare he gave me was a rather intense one, and I couldn’t break the hold he suddenly had over me.

“I think you may be right,” he murmured, nipping my bottom lip rather roughly.

“And I think that’s enough inappropriate eye contact in front of the baby,” Leana popped out from behind Zack, causing me to jump. Zack’s chuckle met my ears as he allowed her to snatch Mason from his arms, “Alright, smooch away!”

Leave it to Leana to make things awkward.

“Don’t tell me you’re shy all of a sudden,” came Zack’s laugh, and I could practically hear the smirk in his voice, “We both know you’re anything but.”

I squeaked as his arms wrapped around my waist and yanked me to him. I giggled as he lifted me into his arms, holding the back of my thighs and pressing our chests together so that I was level with him. I coiled my arms around his neck and nibbled at his lower lip, teasingly running my tongue along his snakebites. A soft groan left his lips.

Needles to say, I was in the mood already.

I smirked as Zack silently moved farther out into the ocean, the water engulfing the majority of our bodies. I kept a straight face as his hands wandered down my back, though my insides were turning into fiery mush. I silently cursed him as he looked off into the distance with a small smirk.

“We’ve never had ocean sex before,” I mused, cocking an eyebrow at him as he discreetly slipped a finger into my bikini bottoms. Gripping him tighter, I buried my face into his neck as he teasingly skimmed his fingers across my skin.

“There’s a first time for everything—“

“OH, SHIT! VENGEANCE IS GETTING SOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PACIFIC!” came Jimmy’s wild shriek from the shore.

Zack and I broke apart almost immediately, fixing our tall, lanky friend with an incredulous stare. Leave it to Jimmy to watch us like a fucking hawk, waiting for us to do something he could call us out on. Zack removed his hands from me and sighed.

“Cockblocked,” I murmured, nipping along his collarbone.

He groaned, pushing my hips against his, “Not for long, if you don’t quit doing that.”

I smiled and kissed him one last time before he began walking back towards the shore. Once the water got below his waist, he set me down and let me walk on my own. I tangled my fingers with his, allowing him to lead us back to our spot on the beach.

I squealed when I hit a spot in the water where the sand sunk low. I nearly fell forward, but luckily, Zack was there to catch me. With a surprised grunt, he coiled his arms around my middle and hoisted me back upright, causing me to giggle.

“Baby, you were attempting to seduce me in the ocean and it’s that time of the month?” Zack laughed, shaking his head as he made a face at me.

I blinked in his direction, “What? What do you mean?”

“I might be a guy, baby, but I’m not stupid. Your period is on, otherwise you wouldn’t be…” he trailed off, motioning to his stomach. I furrowed my eyebrows, not understanding what he was talking about.

Then it hit me.

I felt the smile drop right off my face. I shimmied out of his grasp, wanting to get his arms from around me as quickly as possible. He made a move to speak, but I cut him off, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

Before he could say another word, I splashed my way back to the shore and made a beeline for my towel. Leana was right where I’d left her, cooing over at Mason with Michelle, and didn’t notice me step into my flip flops and walk away. I heard Zack call my name but acted as though I hadn’t, continuing to the bathroom. Brushing past a few strangers, I held my head low and ducked into the women’s restroom.

Once inside, I felt my façade falter. I took a deep breath and walked over to the sinks, splashing some cool water on my face. I’d never felt so nervous and repulsive in my life. Well, I had once before. But I didn’t ever think I’d have to go through it again. Clearly God had other plans for me.

My eyes zeroed in on my torso in the mirror. I still looked the same, even if I didn’t feel it. So maybe I was just being paranoid. Maybe I could prove Leana and Michelle wrong, after all. Then I dropped my gaze from the mirror and looked straight down. My stomach wasn’t looking as flat as it had in the mirror. Maybe I was wrong. I folded my arms over my middle attempt to cover myself, though it didn’t work so well.

With a scowl, I pushed my way out of the empty restroom and stalked off back to the group, where Zack sat waiting with the others. His gaze followed me as I silently moved back to my seat and put my cover up back on, though I didn’t dare look at him. I knew him. He was curious. And if I looked into his eyes for a single second, he’d have me spilling my guts to him. I didn’t want that.

“Uh oh,” I heard Val sigh softly, and looked in her direction, “I think I’m starting to burn.”

I frowned, “You should go inside, then. I’ll come with you if you want.”

“Ooh! Me too,” Leana nodded, quickly sitting up and gathering her things, “Besides, Mason’s been out here long enough in the sun. I’m sure he’s ready for his lunch and a good nap.”

“You’re probably right,” I sighed softly, smiling as Zack handed Mason over to me.

I took notice of the way Zack’s eyes burned into mine, but I quickly glanced in the other direction. He didn’t say anything as he stood in front of me, hands planting themselves on my hips and pulling me closer to him.

“You feeling okay?” he murmured into my ear, taking a moment to nibble softly on my earlobe.

I fought the bubbling feeling in my stomach and offered him a reassuring smile, “Of course, baby. I’m just a little out of it, is all. Mother nature calls, y’know.” Might as well play up an excuse.

He didn’t seem all that convinced, but he didn’t push the mater either, “Okay. We’ll meet you girls inside in a bit. We’ll be out here if any of you need us.”

Nodding, I leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to his pierced lips, a shriek leaving my lips as his arms snaked around my waist and yanked me back towards his body. I fought the urge to moan as he cupped the back of my neck and held me in place, applying more pressure to my lips. Every negative, doubtful thought I had was erased from my mind.

Pulling away from him, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t ignore this anymore, nor could I deny it. Zack was the second most important person in my life, after Mason, and for good reason. He cared. He’d always been there for me and even supported me when I’d been pregnant with Mason, despite the ache in his own heart for a family of his own.

Now it was possible that I could give him what he’d been longing for. No matter how scared and unprepared I felt, if the girls’ suspicions were right, then I had to get over what I was feeling. This wasn’t just about me anymore. This could be Zack’s child, too. I couldn’t and wouldn’t be so selfish as to keep him from the one thing he’s wanted most all along. I had to do this.

I murmured a quiet goodbye to him, pulling him in for another kiss before I tore myself from his side, turning to follow the girls up the sand. Brian and Michelle’s house was only a few yards away from where we were, so we didn’t have far to walk. Lacey stayed by my side and made small talk as the others chattered excitedly just in front of us.

Once inside, I took Mason from Val’s arms and patted the bottom of his diaper, taking note of how heavy it felt. Indeed, he was in need of a severe diaper change before he did anything else. Michelle went in search of his diaper bag, which she’d stashed away somewhere upstairs. As I waited for her, I took a seat on the living room sofa and cradled Mason in my arms. He was clearly ready for his nap.

“Here, sweetie,” Michelle rounded the corner with Mason’s bag.

I smiled and thanked her before unwrapping the little beach towel from Mason’s body and tugging off the board shorts Zack had gotten him. Holding my breath, I expertly tugged off the dirty diaper before wiping him clean and slipping on a new one. Leana appeared to take the soiled diaper so that she could toss it out. Mason began whining as I continued to dry him off, so I left him alone.

“That wasn’t so bad, now was it?” I asked teasingly, running my fingertips along his tummy, causing him to giggle happily. He watched me for the longest time, a simple smile spread across his face. I grinned and ran my fingers through his curly locks.

This made it all worth it. Moments like these with my son. He made me forget about all the heartbreak I’d experienced with his father after he’d been conceived. He made me forget what all I’d given up and would continue to give up for him. I’d do anything for that little boy.

It was time.

“Lee?” my voice wavered as I called her name.

“You okay?” she asked cautiously, rounding the corner and taking a seat next to me.

I nodded slowly, “I am, I just…I need to—“ I didn’t know how to say it.

“Okay,” she nodded quietly in understanding, “Let’s put him down for a nap first.”

I allowed Leana to lead the way upstairs to the guest room. My legs shook as I slowly climbed the long staircase, gripping onto the railing with one hand as I held Mason with my other arm. I was nervous. More nervous than I had ever been before.

That’s when the negative thought set back in.

If I was pregnant, then this was Zack’s baby, too. What if he’d changed his mind about children? What if he’d come to terms with not being a parent like he’d wanted, and had decided it best to wait until he was a little older? What if he had no intentions of having children anymore at all?

And then there was the fact that he was in a famous band. The boys traveled the world, and tour was no place for a baby. He wouldn’t be home nearly as often as he would need to be, and while I understood that, I didn’t think I could stay on my own with two babies for extended periods of time. Then that would just put more pressure on him, and I didn’t want to stand in the way of his career. He’d worked far too hard to get where he was now.

“I can tell the nerves are getting to you,” Lee murmured comfortingly, pulling me into her side and running a hand down my back, “Just go to the bathroom and wait for me there. I’ll put him down.”

I was too riled up to even speak at this point. I stood and watched as she took Mason from my arms and set laid him down in the bed Brian had set up for his visits. He didn’t even put up a fight as she covered his little body with a blanket and walked towards the door. I knew he was tired from playing at the beach for so long today.

“C’mon,” Leana instructed, closing the bedroom door and ushering me across the hall to the next guest room. I took a deep breath as she stepped inside and darted in after her.

“You ready?”

Startled, I turned to see Val, Lacey, and Michelle spread out across the room. Val was seated with her legs crossed on the end of the bed while Michelle sat on the floor with a huge bucket of snacks. She winked knowingly at me when I eyed those. Lacey was also on the floor with her, munching on a bag of potato chips. I turned just in time to see Leana motioning towards the attached bathroom, so I followed her inside it. She partially closed the door behind us.

“Here,” she nodded, stretching her hand out towards me. I held out my own hand and felt all the air leave my lungs as I glanced down at the small, pink piece of plastic she placed in my palm, “I’ve already set up two others. Use the cup and set all three tests in it. Come meet us outside to wait.”

With that, she stepped back into the room with the girls and closed the door behind her, leaving me alone with my thoughts. My heart beat erratically as I stared down at the first test in my hand. My finger trembled and my stomach churned at the thought of what situation I could possibly be in.

Zack and I were still a new couple. Mason was still a baby, as far as I was concerned. He wasn’t even in preschool yet. I had a nine to five job and millions of bills to pay. Sure, if I was pregnant, then Zack would help out. But then, the problem with his career once again arose.

I was terrified. There were so many things that Zack and I had yet to accomplish or even get a handle on. There were so many things that could go wrong within both our lives and our relationship if things turned out how the girls had predicted. Most importantly, there was a small chance that I could somehow lose him in all this. Hell, it’d happened the first time around.

“No,” I hissed to myself, pushing every pessimistic thought from my mind, “I can do this. I can fucking do this.”

I was thinking too much about the what if’s and I knew it. I forced my eyes shut and took a deep breath, slowing my heart rate and relaxing my muscles. I willed my legs to be still as I breathed in and out from my mouth. Once I was calm enough, I snatched the cup off the counter so that I could do my business. My hands shook as I placed each of the three tests in the cup and then washed them afterward.

“It’ll be okay, Britt,” Val smiled encouragingly, patting a space next to her on the bed as I joined the others. I took a seat next to her and allowed her to pull me in for a hug. It was times like these when I was glad to have someone around with such maternal instincts. For once, I could stop being a mom and just be a kid again as she comforted me.

“You’d make a great mom, Val,” I muttered tiredly, tightening my arms around her shoulders as she rocked us from side to side in a soothing manner.

She giggled at that, “And you’re already an amazing one. Whether you end up being a mother again or not, you’ll always be prepared.”

“I wish I was prepared,” I sighed into the crook of her neck, forcing myself to relax a little before my grip crushed her, “I don’t think I’ve ever been or ever will be prepared.”

“You may be right about that,” she shrugged quietly, “But you always manage in the end. You’re strong, babe.”

“C’mon, Britt, lighten up a bit!” Lacey giggled from her spot on the floor. “Think fast!”

I squeaked as something came flying in my direction, squeezing my eyes shut and blocking my face as something light hit my arm. Opening my eyes, I spotted a bag of skittles sitting in my lap and grinned, snatching up the little bag of candy and tearing it open. I ate a few handfuls, picking out the purple ones and giving them to Michelle. Those were her favorite. I was rather sad when I finished off the bag, but Lacey assured me that we had one hell of a stash on hand.

“Alright, sweetie,” Leana spoke up, nodding in my direction, “You ready?”

“No,” I mumbled with a sigh, feeling the nerves from earlier return.

“We’ll all be right here with you, babe,” Michelle linked arms with me as she pulled me towards the bathroom, “Everything’s gonna be fine.”

I didn’t reply as I pushed past the others and sat on the toilet seat. I didn’t think standing would be a good idea with my legs being as shaky as they were at the moment. The girls were silent, no one moving to speak as we all stared at the Styrofoam cup on the countertop. I knew they were waiting for me to make the first move, but I honestly didn’t want to. I fiddled with my fingers for the longest time, trying to work up enough courage to move over to the counter.

“You can do it,” Leana finally spoke, reaching over and placing a warm hand on my arm, “Go ahead. One line is pregnant; two is not. Plus is yes, minus is no.”

“Breathe deep. Be calm,” Lacey coached, sticking to her spot against the wall.

I did as she said and reached a trembling hand towards the cup. I knew if I moved the cup itself, I’d drop it so I opted for simply grabbing the tests themselves rather than the whole cup. I breathed in and out some more, closing my eyes as I pulled out the first test and held it between my fingers. This was it. There was no turning back.

“Just breathe,” Val whispered, rubbing my back, “You can do this.”

“O-Okay,” I swallowed hard, cracking an eye open.

Slowly but surely, I opened my eyes and peered down at the plastic materials in my hand. One test had a plus sign, and the other had a solid line. It was almost as if their meanings didn’t register in my mind. At least, not as clearly as the reading of the last test. It had my heart racing and my knees buckling.

It read, ‘Pregnant’.