Where You Belong

I stared up at the ceiling as I lay on my back, my mind void of any sort of coherent thought. The fan was on, sending wisps of my hair flying into my face as the room was flooded with cool air. It was dark, but my eyes had long since adjusted to every shadow cast on the room. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the alarm clock on the nightstand, blaring the bright green number, 3:48 AM.

I sighed, turning just my head to look at Zack’s sleeping figure. He clutched onto one of the many pillows on the other side of the bed, out cold and snoring loudly. It wouldn’t be long before he was up and moving around, preparing to meet the guys at Matt’s house before the bus arrived.

Though he was just a few feet away from me, it felt like thousands of miles. I couldn’t remember a single night that I’d spent in this bed with him, not in his arms. Even before when we were nothing more than friends, there hadn’t been a time where I felt nearly as lonely in Zack’s company as I did right now.

For hours I’d been up, tiptoeing back and forth to the bathroom in the dark for bout after bout of morning sickness. My stomach had been all over the place for a while now, and I knew there was no point in going back to sleep. I stayed up, checking over both Mason and Zack every few minutes and wishing desperately that my favorite sushi restaurant was open twenty-four hours despite my queasy stomach.

I was once again turning back to my hormonal, insomniac, nausea-ridden ways of pregnancy.

By the time four thirty rolled around, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was feeling like shit, to be honest, and I couldn’t even look to Zack for comfort. In the past two days, he hadn’t spoken to me much. Hell, he wasn’t even home much. If there was some sort of off chance that we were in the same room for more than five minutes, then he simply ignored me. We didn’t go anywhere together, and we barely slept in the same bed together. Him being all the way on the other side of the bed, his back facing me, was almost worse than him taking the couch for the night. That fact alone had been enough for me to know that I’d truly upset him. I couldn’t blame him for his actions. I could only bow my head in shame.

Swinging my legs over the side of the bed, I quickly made an exit from the room and headed down the hall towards the nursery. Mason stood wide awake in his crib, eyeing me expectantly with his hands on the railing as I walked through the door. He’d become an early riser during the past few months, so it was nothing new to see him up so early. I walked over and plucked him from the crib, hoisting him into my arms and covering his face with kisses.

He giggled happily, hiding his face in the crook of my neck as I continued my assault, “Mummy!”

“Good morning, good morning to you,” I sang softly, taking a seat in the rocking chair in the corner, placing him on my lap facing me, “We’re all in our places with sunshiny faces, and this is the way to start a new day!” I grinned in his direction, giggling through the song as he sloppily mimicked the rhythm, “Good morning to you, good morning to you! Our day is beginning, there’s so much to do. So good morning, good morning, good morning to you!”

At the end of my song, I cheered quietly and clapped, feeling my heart swell as Mason’s face lit up. With a giggle, he squealed and clapped his little hands as well before laying against my chest. I cradled him close to me and raked a hand through his curly locks, working out a small knot that had formed while he’d been asleep.

I liked quiet time like this with him. He wasn’t asleep by any means, just in a very calm state. This was my quality time with him, bright and early every morning, before Zack got up or we were visited by friends and family. When Zack woke up, then I knew my time with Mason would be over, as he’d be bouncing off the walls and itching to stay by Zack’s side for the rest of the day.

I stopped at that thought. Would Zack do the same for the new baby? Why wouldn’t he? Then, my thoughts started getting pessimistic. Who said he’d even want to stick around after he found out what I’d been keeping from him? If he could even stand the sight of me when all was said and done, then I would be amazed. Lord knows, he could hardly stand to be around me now.

The thought of it brought a searing pain to my chest. What would I do if Zack were to leave? Mason and Baby Baker aside, emotionally, what would I do? Since I’d begun dating Zack, we’d become even closer than ever. We did everything together, as annoyingly cliché as that sounded. If he took the news badly, then we’d be done. I knew from experience that bad breakups made it impossible to be around that other person, even as friends or mere acquaintances.

Could I live without him? Or would his absence absolutely kill me?

I couldn’t imagine him not being by my side. I couldn’t imagine waking up and not having him there, even though his ignoring me stung badly enough. He was the one who understood me the most, the one who cared enough to be there for me no matter what. Would that mean anything to him once I dropped the fucking bomb on him?

I was getting overwhelmed, my stomach twisting painfully as my thoughts went wild. I took several deep breaths, closing my eyes as I concentrated on calming myself. There was no need to alert Mason. He knew when I was upset, and he tended to react badly to that. He would be flat out inconsolable if I didn’t get it together.

“Would you like a quick snack before breakfast?” I asked Mason quietly, opening my eyes once more and gazing into his light brown orbs. He eyed me carefully, clumsily nodding his head in response, though I was sure he hadn’t paid my question any mind. He always nodded when someone asked him a question, simply because he’d seen others do it.

With that, I slowly stood, ignoring the clenching of the muscles in my stomach, and padded quietly down the hallway. I took the stairs one at a time, making sure to breath in and out of my mouth between each step as I felt the bile in the back of my throat rise.

Setting my son on my hip, I made a bee-line for the kitchen and grabbed hold of his high chair, dragging it from the corner with one hand before proceeding to set it up in the middle of the kitchen. I sat Mason down in the chair before snapping the plastic table top into place and bending down to straighten out the plastic covering on the floor. I turned for a quick second, snatching a clean baby spoon from the dish rack and swiping a small jar of apple sauce from the countertop.

“Alright, baby, you ready?” I asked sweetly, hoping that Mason wouldn’t detect the uncertainty in my voice as I approached him with the spoonful of applesauce, “Here we go.”

The second my hand neared his face, he stared blankly at me and turned his head to the side. With a sigh, I tried again, calling his name softly and holding the spoon to his lips. He refused to the open them, dodging my hand once again. I fought the urge to grumble irritably under my breath. Today was going to be one of those only-Zacky-can-feed-me days.

“Mason,” I pleaded with a soft sigh, holding the spoon out once more.

Mason took one look at the spoon and burst into tears, a high-pitched wail bursting from his lips. I groaned and gave up, clutching my squirming stomach as I sat down on the top of the island. Mason continued to holler and scream from his seat.

Well, I tried. So much for quiet time.

“Hey, hey,” came Zack’s soothing voice, and my eyes shot open to see him standing above Mason’s high chair in just his boxers. Mason looked up at him and cried silently, reaching his arms up.

Without hesitation, Zack obliged and lifted Mason out of his high chair, taking a seat at the island just a few feet away and cradling the tearful boy to his chest. I watched as he rocked him back and forth, cooing softly to him and running his fingers through his hair. Mason’s tears dried up in a matter of seconds.

“That’s better,” Zack murmured, shifting my son onto his hip and pressing a kiss to his forehead with a tiny smile on his tired face, “Now, you know you’re still gonna have to eat, little man.”

Silently, I handed him the spoon and jar of applesauce. He muttered a thanks and held the spoon out to Mason as I had, smiling again when Mason effortlessly turned his head and ate the applesauce. I shook my head and laid it down on the cool, smooth surface of the island, breathing out through my mouth as another wave of nausea hit me.

“You okay?”

Looking back in Zack’s direction, I saw that he was regarding me suspiciously, though his voice gave the impression that he was disinterested. I knew that wasn’t the case, however. I knew he wouldn’t ask unless he wanted to know, no matter how upset he was with me.

I nodded, “Just tired.” Hell, that was my excuse for everything these days.

He didn’t seem convinced, but didn’t push the matter, “Oh.”

Nothing else was said between us as he continued to feed Mason, interacting quietly with him as if I wasn’t even standing in the room. I tried to ignore the horrible feeling gnawing at my stomach, but after a few more minutes, I just couldn’t do it.

“I’m gonna go ahead and start getting ready,” I mumbled, straightening up and moving for the kitchen door, “Then I’ll take him off your hands so that you can get settled.”

“Okay,” Zack muttered distractedly, focused solely on Mason as I moved past the two of them. Mason flashed me a quick smile, but Zack’s gaze never darted in my direction.

I sighed dejectedly and moved up the stairs. The second I made it into the master bedroom, I began high tailing it for the bathroom. I tripped over one of Mason’s toys in the process, effectively stumbling straight into the toilet. I landed rather uncomfortably on my side, though I was close enough to where I needed to be as the bile came rushing up the back of my throat, causing me to clutch onto the toilet and heave fiercely into it.

Luckily, vomiting made me feel a little better, though I was drained by the time I stood back up. I flushed the toilet and reached for my toothbrush, scrubbing away at the revolting taste in my mouth. I finished up and followed with mouthwash before washing my hands and moving to start the shower.

Once freshly showered, I toweled myself dry and lathered myself in scented lotion before returning to the bedroom. Zack was probably still downstairs, as he wasn’t in the room yet. I moved over to the walk-in and dropped my towel as I searched for a new bra and matching underwear to put on. I grabbed the first pair that I saw and quickly pulled them on, wanting to cover my body as quickly as possible.

Turning around, I noticed Zack standing in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest and gaze darkened. I knew that look on his face and stepped back, wanting to shield myself from him. In the back of my mind, I was afraid that he’d be able to take one look at me without my shirt on and figure me out. It was much too early to show, but Zack knew my body better than I did.

I whirled around and began searching through the racks of clothes for something to wear. Judging by how tired I felt as well as the time of morning that it was, I went for something simple. I grabbed a pair of leggings and Uggs, along with a fitted t-shirt. I shoved my arms into a thin jacket and turned to face Zack once more, heading for the door.

He caught my arm as I attempted to walk by, “Hey.”

My eyes widened as he pulled me towards him, heat radiating from his pale skin, “I-I…what is it?”

He sighed then, “I’m annoyed as shit with you, but that doesn’t mean that I want it to be like this between us when I’m about to leave in a couple of hours.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh,” he sneered suddenly, before dropping his scowl and pulling me straight into his chest. I melted like butter in his arms, immediately curling my limbs around his middle.

We stayed that was for the longest time, not moving an inch as we clutched onto one another. I leaned against him, resting my head on his chest as he ran his hands up and down my back. My body screamed at him to touch me, but my mind’s rebuttal was rather overpowering.

“IGGY!” came Mason’s shriek from the other room, and with a sigh, I let Zack go.

“I’ll get him straightened out while you get dressed,” I murmured quietly, ducking my head and slipping from Zack’s grasp.

Mason was seated in his playpen in the corner of the master bedroom, looking at Ichabod, who was sitting outside the playpen, with a long expression on his face. I giggled and put Icky in the playpen with him, smiling as Mason cuddled the little fur ball with a happy shriek. I left them there for a moment so that I could grab something for him to wear from the nursery. I picked out a simple blue and white striped shirt and a pair of red shorts for him to wear. I found some socks and took them with me as well before returning to the bedroom.

After lifting both Mason and Icky out of the playpen, I set Icky down and held onto my son. Icky ran off with a yelp, no doubt finding something to get into. I stripped Mason of his onesie and tossed his used diaper into the trash before hauling his cackling, naked butt into the bathroom.

“ACKY!” he screeched once inside, hearing the shower going and instantly knowing who was there. I shook my head and paid him no mind as he struggled in my arms, reaching for Zack even though he couldn’t see him right then. I continued hauling him towards the tub, which was separate from the shower.

“You’ll see Zacky in a minute, baby,” I murmured, setting him straight into the empty tub. I handed him a few bath toys before stopping the drain and starting some warm water. Mason attempted to stand on his feet, but since he couldn’t figure out how to walk yet, he fell back onto his bottom with a whine, “Have a seat so we can get done. Then you’ll be able to see him.”

He paid me no mind and continued to whine, though as the water began rising around his legs, he squealed and began splashing madly at the ounce of water that had filled the tub. I stopped the water a minute or two later, knowing that babies never needed to be bathed in much water in order to prevent drowning situations.

I worked quickly, knowing that it wouldn’t take Mason long to become bored with his bath toys and begin splashing water all over the floor. I lathered his skin in baby wash and rinsed him off before dunking a cup in the water to wet his hair down. Once it was wet and flattened to his head, I grabbed some shampoo and scrubbed at his scalp, making sure to get every bit of oil out of it before rinsing and repeating. He babbled happily and played with a little truck Zack had bought him, not seeming to mind as I yanked and pulled at his hair.

“Alright, we’re all done,” I announced, dousing his head with water from the little cup, shielding his eyes so that nothing got in them. He screamed dramatically, pumping his tiny fists in the air as I lifted him up from the water and wrapped him in a towel.

“ACKY!” Mason bellowed clearly, scrunching up his face with the biggest smile he could muster. I turned my head and saw that Zack was out of the shower, towel wrapped around his waist as water droplets ran down his body. I swallowed, feeling my body heat up and looked away from him.

“Let’s get you dressed first, baby,” I chuckled, struggling to keep hold of my son as he wriggled about in my arms, reaching for Zack and screeching at the top of his lungs.

Zack smirked and took hold of him, “I’ll get him ready. You won’t get anything accomplished with him like this.”

He was right, and I nodded, “Okay. His clothes are laid out on the bed.”

“Alright,” Zack called as I left the bathroom and began picking random things off the floor.

I was a little dizzy, but I pushed through it. I tidied up a bit, moving toys, tossing dirty clothes in the hamper, and putting things back in their place. It was only a matter of minutes before Zack brought Mason downstairs where I was, the two of them dressed and ready to go. I looked to the clock on the wall and saw that it was just after five.

“The bus will be there at six,” Zacky stated, taking note of the time himself.

That was all it took for me to get it in gear. I wanted to hurry and get over to Matt’s so that I had enough time to spend with everyone together before the boys left. As I kept Mason occupied, Zack busied himself with stuffing his luggage into his SUV, as my coupe was just a little too small to house five months’ worth of clothing and other tour necessities.

It wasn’t long before Zack had finished packing everything away, and once he began leaning against the side of the car, I knew he was ready to go. I hurried then, handing Mason a toy before nearly breaking my back to stretch across the middle of the backseat and buckle him into his car seat. He babbled happily to himself, eyes trained solely on the action figure in his chubby hand as Zack hopped into the driver’s seat and started the engine.

The three block drive to Matt’s house seemed to drag on and on. Mason stayed occupied with his toys in the backseat, while Zack leaned back in his seat, shades pulled over his eyes despite the fact that the sun hadn’t risen yet. The unmistakable sound of Pantera floated through the speakers, and every now and then, he’d reach over and turn it up some more. Again, he was ignoring me.

I sighed heavily in my seat and turned towards the darkened window, chewing the inside of my cheek as I watched the houses and other buildings fly by. We passed an IHOP in a blur, but the second my eyes landed on the sign, I was hit with a strong craving for blueberry pancakes covered in maple syrup. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and kept that information to myself.

I remembered back to when I was pregnant with Mason. After everyone had learned of my hidden pregnancy, Zack did nothing but hover protectively over me. Every doctor’s appointment and birthing class, he’d been there. Every time I couldn’t sleep because my back hurt, or my swollen ankles kept me from walking, he’d been there. He’d been my shoulder to lean on when I was having mood swings and meltdowns, and he’d been my personal chauffer whenever I had a bizarre midnight craving. He couldn’t keep his hands off my stomach, and I was certain that Mason had grown accustomed to hearing his voice long before mine. Zack had been there in every way that a perfect father could’ve been.

I could just picture him in the nursery, leaning over a second crib in the far corner of the room, lifting a small, tanned and dark haired infant from inside of it. I could see him grinning from ear to ear, mumbling affectionately to the child before cradling it to his chest, his eyes fluttering shut with happiness as the two bonded.

Pictures would litter the walls in this room; some of Mason and I when he was just born, as well as some of Zack, Mason and I during the few months we’d all shared together so far. More pictures of Zack, Mason, and a very pregnant version of myself would also have places among the others, along with pictures of us all with the tiny infant that resembled both Zack and I. Dark hair, just as curly as Mason’s, maybe. A skin tone that represented a happy medium between those of Zack and I. Maybe Zack’s green eyes, or hazel, even. My round nose, and Zack’s full lips…

Now, I was just torturing myself.

I had to stop doing this to myself. Setting myself up for disappointment. There was always a huge chance that Zack wouldn’t want to be a part of this for whatever reasons. There was a chance that my happiness would never extend past where it was right now, once Zack found out. Right now wasn’t even a happy place. It should have been, but it wasn’t. I was stuck. We all were.

Just as clearly as I could see the positive, I could also see the negative occurring.

Zack red in the face, screaming, shouting, tossing things around and doing the unpredictable. That was how he was when he was angry, something that no one ever wanted to witness. I would stand there, defenseless, rooted to the spot as he’d spit curse after curse at me, my heart shattering to pieces as I place a hand on my obviously swollen stomach. Mason wailing in the distance and Icky barking madly at the commotion. All the noise overwhelming my senses, rendering me speechless and absolutely sick to my stomach. Zack leaving, and feeling alone, feeling hopeless.

“And you say it’s nothing.”

Blinking hard, I turned to see Zack eyeing me scornfully with a shake of his head. I frowned at that, choosing not to speak as he opened his door and got out, slamming it behind him in the process. It was then that I noticed we’d stopped, and by the time I began moving, Zack had already unbuckled Mason from his car seat and taken him inside, leaving me on my own.

I didn’t know how long I could keep doing this. Having this tension between Zack and I was ripping me apart. I’d always thought that no one would ever be able to hurt me as much as Michael had, but this was clearly worse. My past with Michael could never touch the strained bond I shared with Zack, and I knew that now. If I had thought I’d loved Michael so much that it’d hurt before, then what the hell was I feeling now with Zack?

Slowly, I found the courage to drag myself up the pathway to the front door, hearing loud laughter sound from the inside of the house. I pushed the door open, silently moving through the hallway and into the living room, where all the boys were gathered with tired yet excited smiles on their faces. Giggles from the girls could be heard from the kitchen, and as much as I wanted to run straight there, I knew I needed to at least greet the boys first.

“Hey, kiddo,” Brian appeared by my side and pulled me into a tight hug, “I’m gonna miss you for the next few months.”

“I know,” I mumbled into his chest, thankful that someone was showing some sort of positive emotion towards me, “Be good and take care of yourself.”

He pulled away from me with a smirk, wiggling his eyebrows, “Likewise, my dear.”

I shook my head with a smile, choosing not to reply as Johnny flashed me a smile and curled an arm around my shoulders. I buried my face into the crook of his neck, as he was just a few inches taller than me, and allowed him to sway me from side to side. Gentle as always, he held me loosely around the waist and rubbed my back. Johnny and I had never needed words, much like how Zack and I had been. If Zack wasn’t there, then Johnny sure was. I felt myself getting teary-eyed at the mere thought of how much my friends meant to me.

“Aww, Britt, don’t cry,” Jimmy pouted, joining in on the hug as he pulled both Johnny and I into his chest with a childish giggle, “It’s only a couple of months!”

“It’s five!” I nearly shrieked suddenly, squeezing my eyes shut tightly as I felt them well up with tears.

Matt’s chuckle sounded from behind me, and that just made me cry harder, “Britt, you know how tours go. What’s with all the tears?”

“Seriously,” Jimmy grinned manically, attacking my cheeks with kisses, “You handled the news of our tour better the last time, and you were pregnant then.”

Well, that didn’t help. I was all but crippled from the waterworks now.

“Well, she’s not as used to it as we are,” Leana spoke up, eyeing me knowingly as she joined my side with Michelle, “Cut her a break, boys.”

Jimmy frowned at that, “I guess you’re right, babe. But it’s not as if we can’t fly you girls out whenever you wanna drop by.”

“It still doesn’t mean that we won’t miss you,” Val added, curling into Matt’s side with a soft smile. The look of adoration that he sent her only had me crying harder.

“C’mon, hold yourself together,” Lacey whispered into my ear, taking hold of my elbow and jerking me upright. I chewed furiously on my bottom lip, keeping my eyes lowered to the floor as I stood rigidly, bottling my emotions the best I could. Lacey nodded with approval, “That’s better. You’ve got it.”

Her words of encouragement were rather comforting, and I made sure to focus on just her voice for the time being. Once I’d regained control of my emotions, I stood silently to the side as the couples each went their own way, no doubt for a little time to themselves. Leana and Jimmy cuddled with Mason on the loveseat, while Val led Matt in the direction of the kitchen. Lacey and Johnny had disappeared already, as had Michelle and Brian. Aside from Leana and Jimmy on the other side of the room, it was just Zack and I.

I could feel his presence, his heated gaze. He was watching my every move again, no doubt with more suspicion written across his face. I busied myself with mentally alphabetizing the stack of movies just a few feet away, hoping to ignore the more than awkward silence that had enveloped us both.

“Guess I have to do everything myself,” came Zack’s gruff response, causing me to look over in his direction warily. What else would he spit in my direction now?

Taking me by surprise, he stalked across the room and grabbed my hand, pulling me outside and onto Matt and Val’s patio. I was ready to ask what he was doing when he stopped next to the hammock underneath the trees in the far corner of the garden, gesturing for me to take off my boots.

Silently, I complied, tugging off my Uggs as he also kicked off his shoes and lay back on the hammock. Opening his arms, he fixed me with an intense stare, his vibrant eyes swirling with an array of emotions. Though I was hesitant about being so close to him, I knew that he needed this. Hell, I needed this. Ignoring my thoughts, I allowed him to grab my hands and braced myself against him, gently climbing onto the hammock and laying by his side.

Everything in the world felt alright as he wrapped his arms around me, fingers tangling in my hair as I pushed my face into his chest. His body was warm, soothing the chill that suddenly ran down my spine as the wind briefly picked up. The storm brewing in my stomach calmed, and every overwhelming thought in my mind came to a silent halt. The only thing that registered to me was his scent, enveloping the both of us as the sound of his heart beating nearly lulled me to sleep.

A soft sigh left his lips before I felt them pressed against the top of my head, his calloused hands grazing my bare sides underneath my top. Heat rushed to the surface of my skin at his touch, but I didn’t flinch this time. He seemed to notice that as well, and pulled me closer to him. And just like that, I was at peace.

“Y’know,” Zack spoke softly into my ear, his warm breath ghosting over my skin, “If you were this upset about me leaving this whole time, you could’ve just told me.”

I chose to say nothing. I was worried about him leaving, just not for the reason he probably had in mind. I brought my fingers up and began absentmindedly tracing the tattoos on his arms, something I’d done thousands of times. He didn’t seem to mind, as he never had.

“I know it’s hard,” Zack continued, “Last time we went on tour, we were just friends and nowhere near as close to one another as we are now. Now, it’s different. You mean so much more to me now, and we’ve never been apart from each other for more than a couple of days.”

I nodded in agreement at that, but still kept silent.

“Hey,” Zack called suddenly, reaching a hand down to cup my chin and avert my gaze to his, “It won’t be easy for me, either. I’m gonna go from having you and Mason in my arms all the time to having to communicate with you guys by phone and internet. I don’t get to wake up to you singing to him in the morning, and I don’t get to feed him or put him to sleep at night. I don’t get to kiss you and touch you, and I don’t get to have you a mere phone call away if I need you. I get that. But it’s just as hard for me as it will be for you, and shutting me out these past few weeks won’t make it any easier on us.”

There went my resolve.

I moved forward, throwing my arms around Zack’s neck as I sobbed, “I don’t want you to leave, Zack. Not when everything has been so perfect, not when I’m finally happy. I can’t stand the idea of you not being here for a single minute, and I don’t fucking know how I’d cope with you being gone. I-I’m not sure I can do this on my own.”

Zack’s sigh was all I heard as his hands rubbed away at my back, “Baby, you aren’t and won’t be alone. You’ll have the girls, your parents, and even my family. I don’t want to leave you, but you know how this goes. This is the lifestyle, Britt.”

“That’s not what I mean, Zacky. I…I just—you don’t understand,” I sighed in defeat, slumping against him and hiding my face in his neck.

“Well, you haven’t exactly given me any clues as to what’s going through your mind.”

I nodded then, lifting my head and wiping my eyes, “I know, and I’m sorry. I don’t mean to confuse you.”

“Then why don’t you tell me now? Be straight with me,” Zack fixed me with a pointed stare then, and I suddenly felt every ounce of emotion he was feeling. Pain, anger, frustration, hopelessness, to name a few. I had to tell him. I couldn’t continue to let him feel this way.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, sitting up and allowing him to take my hands in his, “Zack, I…I’m…I’m…” I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant, I’m fucking pregnant!

Zack simply stared at me, “What is it, babe?”

I just couldn’t get the words out. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t force the words from my mouth. It was as if they were trapped by this invisible force in the back of my throat, struggling with all their might to free themselves and just drift out into the air, into Zack’s awaiting ears. But it wasn’t going to happen. Again, I was going to have to let Zack down.

I closed my mouth and placed my head in my hands, “I’m sorry. It’s just not a good time, that’s all.”

A growl ripped from Zack’s throat as he too sat up, frustratedly running his hands through his hair. The look on his face said it all; he was beyond disappointed in me. I shrank back and allowed him to stand, watching silently as he began pacing back and forth just a few feet away.

“You’re right about one thing, and one thing only,” he snarled, eyes narrowed into little slits at the lush green grass beneath his feet, “I don’t understand. I don’t fucking understand you. I don’t understand how after all these years, after everything we’ve fucking been through, you find it to difficult to even let me in.”

I shook my head vigorously, “I want to tell you, I just…I don’t want to worry you right before you go on tour. You won’t be home for months!”

“And you fucking think that I won’t worry while I’m on tour, knowing that you’re sitting at home, clearly hiding something from me?” he snapped then, moving his heated gaze to my face.

I flinched and looked down then. He had me there.

“Just…” Zack sighed, looking off into the distance as he came to a halt in front of me, “Have you been unfaithful?”

My eyes widened and I jumped to my feet, “Zack, of course I haven’t! How can you even think that of me?” I asked heatedly, fixing him with an incredulous stare.

He held his hands up defensively, staring impassively in the other direction, “What else am I supposed to think if I can’t get the truth out of you? I can never touch you without you flinching away, and you always avoid eye contact with me. You keep yourself occupied with errands and always look guilty when I catch you spacing out. What else could it be?”

I’m fucking pregnant and terrified of telling you! “Anything but that!” I shrieked, feeling my heart clench at his words. I placed a hand on my stomach and dropped back down onto the hammock, feeling my eyes water.

“I don’t know what else you would expect me to think, Brittany,” he fixed me with a serious, tired expression, shrugging as my eyebrows rose when he used my full name, “I can only think the worst when you keep things from me and shut everyone out because of it.”

I was at a loss. Never would I have expected Zack to come up with some crazy bullshit idea that I was cheating on him. That I wasn’t happy enough with him to stay faithful and committed to him, that I had to seek happiness elsewhere. That I would intentionally hurt him in any kind of way. It was like he’d taken a knife to my insides, slicing me all apart. I felt the bile rise up the back of my throat and bolted, heading straight inside for the bathroom.

The others were gathered around the kitchen once again, talking animatedly as the girls served plates of hot food, but all went quiet the second I entered the room. Ignoring their stares, I covered my mouth and hauled ass up the staircase, barreling into the nearest guestroom and slamming the door shut behind me. I fumbled with the lock before moving to the attached bathroom, locking that door behind me as well.

Exhausted and overwhelmed with emotion, I clung to the cool, porcelain bowl with enough force to break my own fingers. I heaved and heaved as my body was racked with tears, and I could faintly hear knocking on the bedroom door. I ignored the sound, wiping my mouth as I finished and lay down on the tiled floor.

I had no idea as to how long I’d laid there, but once I heard a loud honk outside, I knew it was time to get up. Releasing my gaze from the bottom of the tub in front of me, I closed my eyes and allowed them to readjust as I slowly picked myself up from the floor, my stomach still lurching violently. I breathed in and out through my mouth, proceeding to wash my mouth out and scrub my hands clean before unlocking the bathroom door and stepping back out into the room.

“You didn’t tell him, did you?”

My head whipped towards the chaise in the corner of the room, my eyes landing on Val. She sat there, curled up with a blanket while wearing a soft expression on her face. I chose not to answer her, shuffling over to where she sat and standing next to her.

She sighed then, “I’ll take that as a no.”

I sighed and began moving towards the door, not wanting yet another person to start fussing at me. I’d had enough already for one day, and I was absolutely exhausted from it all. I’d never felt so stressed in my life. As I began descending the stairs, I faintly heard Val’s voice from behind me.

“You’re gonna have to tell him eventually. The truth always comes out.”

The downstairs area was nearly deserted when I finally made down. A single plate of food sat out on the counter in the kitchen, and I was pretty sure it’d been left for me. I turned towards the window and saw that everyone was now gathered outside, the girls standing near the curb of the front yard as the boys loaded all of their belongings onto the long, sleek tour bus.

Val appeared behind me, wrapping an arm around my middle, “C’mon, sweetie.”

Slowly, we reached the others. Lacey was dabbing at her eyes with a small tissue and Leana was curled into Jimmy’s side, refusing to let him go as Brian struggled with both his and Jimmy’s bag with a scowl. Michelle stared longingly at Brian with the most emotion I’d ever seen on her face.

Johnny hopped off the steps of the bus, having put his things away, and headed towards Lacey with a soft grin on his face. Matt was apparently in charge of getting everyone’s things loaded onto the bus, as he continued to lug around bag after bag up the stairs of the bus. The driver was just closing the outside compartments, which had been filled with other things of the guys’. A smaller bus was parked behind the tour bus, which no doubt housed the majority of the boys’ equipment.

“We gotta head out in a couple of minutes,” Brian griped, staggering underneath the weight of his and Jimmy’s things, “Someone come fucking help me with this shit before I break my goddamn back!”

The girls giggled as Jimmy peeled an unwilling Leana off his body and set her on her feet before jogging over to Brian and taking his things from him. Brian muttered grumpily and turned on his heel, stomping up the stairs and disappearing inside the bus with Jimmy hot on his trail. They came out a moment later as Matt finished and pulled Val into his chest for a kiss.

I’d always admired the relationship those two had had. They’d been together for as long as I could remember, and they still seemed just as happy now as they were years ago. They made it work, no matter what. They supported one another but also stayed true to their individual identities. It made it easier for them to appreciate one another and enjoy the time they did spend together. Matt and Val had always been the model couple.

Yet, they weren’t parents.

Children changed everything, that was for sure. More stress, more responsibilities. Long gone were the days where all I had to do was wake up and worry about myself and how I felt, and what I wanted to do. Having Mason changed that completely. Everything I ever thought, ever did, was for him. It would be no different this time around, except now the possibility of Zack having a hand in parenthood presented itself.

“You gonna come say goodbye or just space out some more?”

I flashed Zack a guilty smile then, blinking for a moment as I noticed him standing just a mere foot away. He had an unreadable expression on his face, and I knew I’d only work myself up if I attempted to read too much into it. Without hesitation, I walked forward and coiled my arms around his neck, standing on the tips of my toes to rest my cheek against his. A soft sigh left his lips as he pulled me flush with his chest, his grip tightening in the process.

“I’ll miss you,” I mumbled forlornly, sighing heavily as I clung to his body.

That familiar laugh vibrated from his chest, “I’ll miss you, too, baby. I’ll be sure to call as often as possible, okay?”

I smiled and nodded almost shyly, “Okay. Have fun and be safe?”

I watched as Zack’s signature smirk spread across his face, “Don’t I always?”

He then turned and, leaving a hand planted on my hip, took Mason from Michelle’s arms and smothered him in kisses. I stood back and allowed them their time together, watching as Zack murmured to him in his soft, soothing voice. Mason seemed hooked on his every word, their gaze never faltering once.

“Be good for Mommy, alright? And you call Zacky whenever you want,” he grinned, ruffling Mason’s mass of curls. A bright smile lit up my son’s face before he lay his head on Zack’s shoulder with an expression I knew all too well. It would be extremely hard to separate the two when the time came for the boys to leave.

“C’mon, man,” Matt tapped Zack’s shoulder, breaking Zack’s gaze from Mason’s, “We’re already behind schedule.”

That was when the hugging frenzy began. I made my rounds, hugging each of the boys and exchanging my goodbyes as Zack helped pass Mason around. Matt and Jason Berry even showed up to make sure that they got to see Mason before they left. It was extremely sweet of them, and I got a little teary-eyed as Mason spent a little bonding time with all three of his name’s sakes.

It was all too soon when, one by one, the guys began piling onto the bus. It wasn’t long before Zack was the only one left standing on the curb of the front yard, attempting to detach a wailing Mason from himself. It was clear that he understood that the boys were leaving, and that they’d be gone for a while. He was extremely perceptive, though I’d expected that much of him.

Zack looked crushed as Mason hollered with anguish, red in the face and reaching his tiny arms out for Zack as I gently tugged him out of Zack’s grasp. I whispered comforting words into his ear, but it did no good. Zack was leaving, and my son wasn’t at all okay with that. The look on Zack’s face told me that he wasn’t comfortable with leaving him like this in the least, but he had to go.

“Go on, we’ll be fine,” I murmured encouragingly, pulling my screaming son to my chest and pressing my lips against Zack’s. It was the only reassurance I could give him if I wanted him to get on that bus.

Zack still seemed to be fighting internally with himself, but nodded nonetheless, his eyes darkened with reluctance, “Okay, baby. I’ll see you soon.”

I mouthed a goodbye to him, feeling my voice completely fade as my stomach sank. With every step he took away from me, I felt as if half my being was tugged in his direction. My chest felt as though it would cave in on me, making it hard to force the oxygen back out of my lungs as I breathed in and out. I kept a straight face despite the obvious discomfort I felt, clutching onto my heartbroken son as Zack disappeared up the steps of the bus.

Here I was, feeling downright miserable and hopeless, and the bus hadn’t even driven off yet. The weight of the secret I’d been harboring wasn’t starting to pull me down, I realized. Even the smallest things were setting me off, and while I wouldn’t consider Zack leaving for several months small, it was completely expected with his lifestyle and I simply was not handling it well.

I understood now. I was in love with that boy. Fuck, was I ever in love with him.

I felt completely torn in half, as if every ounce of my being had been shattered. I didn’t know how to hold myself together once that bus disappeared from view, especially with my son’s pained cries ringing in my ears. The reality of the matter hit me hard, and I didn’t like that fact. Zack would be gone for months, and while the time without him would seemingly fly by, I hadn’t once spent a day without seeing the man I loved.

Now I was forced to spend hundreds without him, harboring a secret that could either make or break us both.