Where You Belong

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were pregnant."

Now I was good at reading my best friend, but I wasn't that good.

What was he trying to say? Was he simply trying to say that I was gaining weight, or was he really calling me out? Was that his way of telling me that I looked sick, or worn out?

"I-I...Zack--"

"I didn't mean to offend you or anything," he added quickly, his eyes moving from mine to the curtain covered window, "I guess it's just me not facing reality, wanting to live in denial forever."

Now I was confused.

"Huh?" I asked dumbly, ignoring the searing pain shooting through my back as I sat up and eyed him. He had that distant look in his eyes, as if he were someplace else. I knew that he was thinking about something. Usually, I'd stay quiet, and allow him to think, but today, I couldn't take it. "Zack, I don't understand." I added softly, reaching a hand to his shoulder.

His green eyes, once guarded and filled with hurt, changed to something I couldn't bear to look at. Pain. But I couldn't look away as he held my gaze, conveying every emotion he could possibly feeling at the moment. I'd never felt so helpless in my life than when he'd looked at me like that.

"I guess I should explain myself," he sighed softly, breaking our stare after quite some time. "I know you've been curious, and I know you've been patient enough to wait for me to tell you..."

"Zack," I interjected, "Don't worry about me; if you're not ready to open up, then you don't have to. I can just--"

"No," he cut me off, closing his eyes briefly. With a deep breath, he nodded and stood so that he could sit on the couch, facing me. I watched him intently. "You know just as everyone else does that you know me best. We've always helped each other through our problems, and while I don't ask anything of you, I know how selfless you are, and that you'll help me anyway."

"You're absolutely right," I nodded, holding my head high.

"I know that," he replied quietly, leaning forward to press a kiss to my forehead. I grabbed his hands, knowing that any moment he would open up, "And I know that you're the only one that can help."

With that, he retracted his hands from mine, causing me to frown. I soon understood his actions when he stood and plucked a picture off a nearby bookshelf. He returned and sat with me, taking a deep breath. He opened his mouth to speak, and closed it again, tears brimming in his eyes.

"I'm right here, baby," I smiled encouragingly at him, patting his knee, "You can do this."

He nodded vigorously, almost as if to convince himself. He took another deep breath, and another one, "Her name is G-Gena."

Just saying her name brought him to absolute tears, and I felt horrible for him. Either something terrible happened to her, or she did something terrible to him, because I knew that broken look in his eyes. I could feel his emotions rolling off his body like waves.

He loved her. With everything he had, he loved her.

The woman in the picture was a small blonde with short hair. She was slim and tall, standing in the picture with Zack's arms wrapped around her. Both of them shared happy expressions at what looked to be a bar. While she was smiling at the camera, Zack's eyes were solely on her. I could feel how much he loved her just from looking at that single picture. I almost smiled, until I remembered the scowl on Michelle's face as soon as her name had been mentioned at the barbeque. I looked to Zack, silently begging him to continue as he calmed himself down.

"She's my world," he smiled sadly, "Or, at least, she was."

"Was?" I asked curiously, tilting my head to the side to watch his facial expressions. He nodded.

"She left," he answered simply, and I furrowed my eyebrows.

"She left? You're a great guy, Zack, I don't get it? Why would she leave?" I asked, suddenly feeling very angry and defensive for him. He laughed dryly.

"Well, let me ask you this: Why'd you leave the guy you were with? From what I'd heard, you two were crazy about each other and considering marriage," he replied with a knowing tone.

At the mention of my own failed relationship, I felt that gaping hole in my heart rip wide open again, sucking away every happy memory I'd ever had about my relationship with Michael.
Every kiss, every cherished moment, every passionate night we'd shared. It was all just sucked away in that moment.

"I-I, well, I," I stammered nervously. How was I going to keep it vague enough so that I wouldn't have to tell him? I had to think quickly, "We...w-we just...had a disagreement that all the good times couldn't overcome." I finally answered, looking away from him.

"That sums up my relationship with Gena perfectly," Zack sighed, suddenly pulling me forward and into his chest. "We wanted different things out of life...things too different to simply ignore."

"I see." I answered quietly, bowing my head.

I knew that what had happened between Michael and I was due to the same way of thinking. He wanted to be young and evidently with no ties to a single woman. He wanted to be successful, not that I could blame him. But he thought that being a father would keep him from all those things, and wasn't willing to sacrifice a thing for our child. While Zack and Gena may have had a different story, that's what it came down to. One's unwillingness to compromise for the sake of the relationship. And where to go from there? Nowhere.

Zack didn't say anything for a long time, and I allowed the room to fall into total silence. I was left alone with my thoughts, and I was sure that he was consumed with his own. I didn't want to think about how sour a turn my life had recently taken. I knew I couldn't have all this extra stress with my being pregnant, so I willed myself to think of other things. Happy, exciting, meaningful things. Anything my mind could muster.

"She was pregnant," Zack spoke softly from beside me. I snapped my head up and stared at him, my mouth agape. Zack was going to be a father?

"Zack, that's--"

"And she left this house after all the years we'd spent together, determined to get an abortion because she wasn't ready for "some kid to ruin the figure she'd worked so hard for"."

I gasped in shock at that. I'd always known that Zack would make an incredible father, and would be excited if he were to ever help conceive one. He had so much love to give, and still did. He loved being with kids and I knew he'd be thrilled to have one of his own someday.

Family was important to all of the Bakers.

"I tried to make her see reason, to see that having a baby wouldn't change anything for the worst. That it'd be such a rewarding experience. That it was something I'd wanted more than anything for all these years," he whispered tearfully, not bothering to hide the fact that he was, indeed, crying. "She laughed and walked out of the door, saying that it wouldn't take her long to get rid of it and that she'd be back within the hour."

With that, he let loose and covered his face with his hands, sobbing like something I'd never seen before. I now completely understood why he was so torn up. In a way, I'd completely been in that situation. Having my significant other reject the child we'd created together. Feeling so lost and torn up. Not having the will to eat or sleep, or even move for that matter. Wanting to curl up into a ball and cry everything away. Withdrawing myself from others.

Yes, I knew exactly how it felt. And it made me madder than hell to know that despite all the pain I felt, someone I cared for, someone completely undeserving of such treatment, was in the same boat as me. It would've been the perfect opportunity to tell him about Michael and I. But looking over at him, I knew he couldn't take anything else so emotionally draining.

One day, I would tell him. I would have to tell him, and everyone else.

I knelt down on the floor in front of him, again ignoring the pain in my back, looking up as I pulled his hands from his face. It was red and filled with tearstains, along with fresh ones. He tried to tear his gaze from mine, but I pulled his face back towards me. I wiped his tears in vain, knowing that new ones would just replace the old. Leaning forward, I kissed one eye, then the other. I kissed his forehead, the sides of his face, his nose, his chin. It got him to laugh, just like it always used to.

"Escuchame," I commanded him to listen to what I had to say, "I know how you feel. I won't say how, just that I do, and that in the end, the truth always comes out, and things will eventually work themselves. You have your entire life to produce Baker babies, and when you do again, it'll be with the right girl who truly makes you happy. I'm not saying that you and Gena weren't happy, but like you said-- you both believed in two different things and couldn't compromise. One day you'll find someone to give you everything you could possibly want and more, and we'll all be standing right behind you. Okay?"

"Thank you," he nodded after a few moments of silence, pulling me up to the couch and hugging me tightly. I smiled and ran a hand through his soft, raven hair, hoping to calm his nerves. The calmer he was, the calmer I'd be. He pressed a couple of kisses to my cheek, and I grinned, "I don't know what I would do without you, Britt."

"You'd starve." I joked, causing him to laugh softly, just as his stomach growled, "C'mon. I'll go whip something up for you to eat."

***

"So, how did things go with Zack today?" Leana asked over the phone as I got myself ready for bed that night. I sighed as I grabbed my new body pillow, fluffing it up before curling up against it and turning my old TV on low.

"He's making progress," I sighed, thinking back to today's events.

After Zack's and my therapy session, I proceeded to make lunch, which consisted of barbecued ribs, mashed potatoes, corn, and asparagus. To say that Zack joined it was an understatement. After that, we both laid by the pool. While Zack had stayed in the shade, I spent a few minutes soaking in the sun before I went to go lay with him in the hammock he had built. From there, we took a short nap and went inside when it started getting dark, only to watch a few horror movies that had me near ready to piss my pants--much to Zack's amusement.

"That's great," she replied, a smile evident in her tone of voice, "I'm guessing he told you what happened?"

My mind flashed back to the tearful story Zack had given about his longtime girlfriend ignoring his pleas to not get an abortion. The way she'd disregarded him and his feelings was appalling to me. I'd held it in when I was with Zack, but now that I was by myself, I allowed the rage to overtake me.

"Yeah," I nearly growled, "The fucking cunt. You can see just how much he loves her by the way he talks about her and looks at her pictures. I know Zack, and I know he'd do anything for those he cares for. And if he loves her that much, then I know he's probably given her the world and more. How the fuck could she do something like that to him?" I ranted, hopping up from the bed and pacing around the room.

"Britt, calm down," Leana sighed, hearing her shuffling around in the background, "I know you're pissed. Believe me, we all are--"

"Pissed is a fucking understatement for how the fuck I feel right now, Lee," I hissed, feeling my pace speed up, "If I ever see that bitch, I'll put her ten fucking feet under!"

"Honey, they bury people at six feet under," Leana said softly, though I could tell she was becoming amused with me. I'm sure she'd heard the stories of how I got when I was angry, and this was the first time she'd seen --or heard-- me like this.

"Yeah, well she done made me so mad that I could stomp her trifling ass down four more fucking feet! Just give me five fucking minutes alone with that bitch in the bathroom, and see what the hell happens to her. She'll walk outta there like a new fuckin' woman, I'll guarantee you that! Just five minutes. Just five motherfucking minutes!"

"Britt, sweetie, you're pregnant," Leana pointed out, lowering the volume of her voice some. "If anyone gets to beat her asses, it's me and Michelle. Wait, scratch that. I'll beat her ass, but Michelle will kill her. Poor Val would be twinless; you know she's not the violent type," she joked, and I couldn't help but laugh. I could see exactly why Jimmy had picked her, and damn was I proud of him.

"You'd be surprised as to what the fuck a pregnant woman can and cannot do," I replied wistfully, "Yeah, Lee, think on that."

"I don't need to because I can only imagine," she said dryly, a giggle escaping her.

I chuckled, "Just keepin' it real for you. As long as you know."

"Mmhmm," she drawled out sarcastically, "So how are you and the baby doing?" she asked.

I sighed, placing a hand on my swollen stomach, "We're doin' okay for now," I said, "The pain was unbearable this morning, but it's calmed down a lot since I used Zack's pool."

"You still have the backaches?"

"Hell fucking yes I still have the motherfucking backaches. It got a little better once Zack gave me a massage--"

"Aww," she cooed, and I rolled my eyes at her playful tone, "How cute!"

"Lee, there's nothing cute about me stomping about half the day throwing temper tantrums, nearly pissing my pants every two seconds, and getting uncontrollable urges to screw the first man I see." I stated dryly, causing her to burst into laughter.

"Britt, what the fuck! Your own best friend was turning you on?" she giggled, causing me to roll my eyes.

"Yes," I grunted, causing her to laugh even harder, "Oh hush! You know it wasn't like that! You just wait til you get knocked up! We'll see who's laughing then when you're ready to fuck Jimmy's brains out in public just because he touched your fucking hair."

As bad as it sounded, it was true. Because Zack was feeling so needy, he’d been very affectionate towards me lately. And while that usually didn't bother me, I was pregnant and sexually frustrated. Pregnant women actually produce fifty percent more blood to be circulated throughout their bodies, and if you knew anything about blood circulation, you'd know that it had a lot to do with sexual stimulation.

Fuck my life on that one.

I talked to Leana for a bit longer before hanging up with her and easing back into my body pillow. With a sigh, I decided to cut the TV off and attempt to get at least an hour of sleep before I ended up with morning sickness again. At the thought of morning sickness, I scowled.

Sometimes, being pregnant just sucked.