V-E-R-S-T-E-H-E-N

The snowflakes fell slowly and beautifully, creating that perfect picture which just makes you want to hold someone’s hand with that feeling like you must be in one of those cliché yet adorable love scenes in some independent film. The setting was perfect, quiet, peaceful, romantic. I felt at ease, despite this biting loneliness in the back of my head.
Being alone didn’t bother me as much anymore. Sometimes, I'll get really bad, and I want to kill myself because I just miss him so much, because I would read the notes we would send each other, because I would see his picture in my phone contacts, because I would just remember things, but it doesn’t last as much anymore.
Walking alone at night has gotten more calming, especially during the winter months when the light hits the snow and everything glows, barren yet beautiful. It’s during times like this I can forget who I am, because I’m still not sure who that is, and it just feels like I’m part of this beautiful world. It’s as though we exist through each other, and I’m nothing more than a part of nature’s vast beauty, or a small part in a machine of civilization, but that’s all okay. It’s being part of a whole, it’s flowing in sync with all of the forces around you, creating a universal essence of existence.
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Then, it ends, I walk inside and sometimes the pictures glare at me. I live on my own now, and sometimes it makes things better but other times it makes them worse. Usually, it just makes them okay. I have my roommate, she’s nice. We get along well, we understand each other. There’s not much more you can ask for, other than someone who does their half of the work. We’ve never had problems with that. We haven’t had problems with anything, really, until I wake up screaming, and that’s not too often anymore…
It only happens when I see him, because it only kills me when I have to face it.
Dalton doesn’t even say hello to me anymore. I’m not sure if he recognizes me, I had been in the hospital for a year, but it kills me all the same. He doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t do anything… He’s gone, I suppose, I’m dead to him, but he’s not mean about it.
He doesn’t act mean. I have no reason to be upset about it. He hasn’t done anything to hurt me. He hasn’t even said anything to his friends. He hasn’t done anything wrong because he hasn't even done anything.
I just take it out on myself by missing him. I just kill myself. I know that I do.
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I knew, though, that I just needed to find something else to move on to. If I could just latch onto anything else, it would cure me of Dalton. I knew it would, I just knew it…
And so I tried, God knows that I’ve tried.