V-E-R-S-T-E-H-E-N

I keep twitching and he’s there every time. I can’t get away from it, I never could, even if days go by and I stop seeing the tall, faceless figure everywhere, he always comes back.
He’s always there, I just learned to ignore it sometimes.
---
I had the weirdest dream last night. Dalton got a job at the movie theatre, because for some reason I was always there, and his car was always there, and after a while I noticed him working before he would leave. Then he would leave and he’d stand outside and smoke a cigarette. His shoulders were slouched, he was withdrawn, and his face was half hidden with a baseball cap. His hair had grown, to about the length and style of Alex’s hair…
It was almost as if Dalton had become Alex, but he was definitely still Dalton. I don’t know if it means anything, but it depressed me to be reminded of him either way. That’s probably why I keep remembering the dream, but I don’t talk about it, and I don’t analyze it very far… It probably just means that Dalton became Alex… That the place in my life where Dalton left is being filled again, so it’s transitionary. I probably sound stupid, I’m sorry.
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I think everything in life is getting more and more stressful for me. I’m still worried over my parents, but I guess there are demons there that I still don’t know… They keep getting uncovered but I just don’t know. I guess my dad’s been having an affair with a woman closer in age to me than to him. I guess he told her the divorce already went through. He still tells my mom that he doesn’t know for sure if he wants it, but that he just needs some time away for a while. I don’t know what’s happening; he probably is trying to weasel his way into having the best of both worlds some way. I guess he wants to keep his family, but he just wants to be with this other woman. I won’t judge them, it’s certainly not my mom’s fault, and it’s not my dad’s girlfriend’s fault, either. I guess this just proves that men are always stupid and confusing, they never grow out of it.
I wonder if I have ever done something stupid like this, or made a boy feel inadequate without meaning to, because boys do that to me all the time…
I doubt it, though. I’m not attractive, so I don’t know why they’d care about me.
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I stopped seeing reasons to live, again. Things scare me.
Crowds scare me.
Cars scare me.
People scare me.
Consciousness scares me.
Slenderman scares me. He follows me and it scares me.
So I decided to get rid of the one thing I can, consciousness…
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I wasn’t sure how it’d taste, but I took my prescriptions and I dumped the powder from the pills into my juice. Why not? I wasn’t expecting it to affect me too badly; it’s not like I was overdosing or anything. I’ll drink it on my way to my mom’s and I’ll just watch TV there for a few hours while I battle this thing; I’m not sure why I thought being high at my mom’s house was a good idea, but I planned it nontheless.
I got about halfway down the freeway and I became really lightheaded, my car was swerving and I couldn’t focus. Everything was fuzzy. I had the functioning to know where I was but it was so hard.
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“Alex, help me, please help me. I’m so dizzy. I don’t know what to do.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I was stupid and I put some drugs in my drink and now I’m driving to my mom’s house and I don’t know I can’t even see straight I’m so sorry.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m on the road by Fred Meyer… I don’t know where I’m going now. I’m just going.”
“Pull over into a parking lot, I’ll be right there.”
---
I lit another cigarette and sat in my car, waiting, staring at the floor. Just one more smoke, I’ll be okay after that. Just one more and I’ll feel better…
---
I looked up, Alex was in his car next to me. I opened my door and got up to walk over to him; he stepped out of his car to help me. I fell over, leaning against the hood of my car. I couldn’t walk well, but I could move enough that he didn’t have to carry me. I sat down in the passenger seat. Alex lit a cigarette. I looked longingly at him, but he said I couldn’t have any more. I frowned. It was probably a good thing he said that. It would be better if he didn’t smoke, either. Shapes shifted outside the window, but I was more fixated on the smoke coming out of Alex’s mouth. Why does he do this?
Why am I so attracted to him when he does?