V-E-R-S-T-E-H-E-N

I have a bad thing for chain smoking until I get dizzy and a little bit nauseous. I cough a lot, and it isn’t fun anymore. I’m not sure why I still do this, but for some reason life just goes downhill and I can’t really stop it.
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The thing is, my mom pulled me aside today, and I guess my dad is leaving her. He has “someone else,” even though he says he doesn’t. I’m not sure which one of them to believe, I guess it doesn’t matter very much though. I don’t understand what it all means, I don’t understand why people put themselves in the situations where these things even can happen, because they fuck up everyone’s life when they do.
I have to be honest and admit that it upsets me to watch my family fall apart. It kills me because my mom tries so hard to be a good wife to my dad, she leaves him presents and writes him love notes and does everything she can to be caring and to make him happy, but he just spends all of his time at this other girl’s house. It kills my mom that he does this, but personally I don’t really think I can blame him… My dad’s not happy with my mom anymore, and he doesn’t want to force it. Yeah, it hurts, but it’s not her fault…
Dalton wasn’t happy with me, either. So doesn’t it follow, logically, that it’s also not my fault that he’s gone?
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I never wanted to marry Dalton, because it opened up the possibility for us to get torn apart like this and for it to become complicated. I don’t know how things are working out between my parents and how they want to split up their shared assetts. It sounds like they haven’t worked that out yet. I just want to know how it got to that.
Why do people get married, legally bind themselves together, and then combine their assetts? I think you can have the same level of a relationship without bringing legal contracts into it. Because divorce happens to fucking everyone and it would be so much easier if the law just wasn’t involved in it at all.
Maybe I’m just lashing out because I’m watching it happen to my parents, but still, it’s not like I’m the only person who has to deal with this…
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The important thing is that I have Alex here and he listens to me. Almost unconditionally, when it gets to me too bad he lets me talk to him. He isn’t going through the same thing, and he usually only says “I’m so sorry, I wish I could say something to help,” but just that helps me out a lot.
I don’t think he realises this. I’m not sure if I can make him, though, I think it’s a natural response when someone is psychologically hurt to think that you can’t help them…
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I just want all of these problems to end.
I just want my mind to clear up a bit.
I just want Alex to know that he helps me more than everyone else in the world.
I just want Alex to know that I think he is the best person.
I just want Alex to know that I love him.