No One Told You Life Was Gonna Be This Way

Empty. That’s all I felt. Actually scratch that, empty would be better than the stomach churning mixture of guilt and regret that seemed to eat away at me.

Knock, knock.

Every other time, I would have had a smile plastered on my face, my hands itching to wrap around his neck, my lips aching to move against his.

But not this time.

This time my head hung low, my eyes felt heavy with tears that I was constantly blinking away, and my heart.

My heart was breaking. It was breaking slowly ever since I said those three little words.

I’ll do it.

The door swung open and there he was. Smiling, his eyes seemed to sparkle and he pulled me into his arms.

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to memorize just exactly how it felt to be in his arms. How the hard corded muscle of his arms wrapped around my waist. How he smelled like citrus and musk. How easily I melted to fit his body. How I could feel his heartbeat and I wondered if he could feel mine.

I rolled onto the tips of my toes and pressed my lips against his. The tiny voice in the back of my head told me this was it. Enjoy it. This is the last time you’ll ever be kissing him. Make it count.

Make it count I did. The kiss was desperate, needy. I needed to show him how much I loved him. This kiss was the only way to speak words unspoken. I trailed kisses down his jaw and neck, before burying my head into his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?” Concern.

I pulled away from him. I looked up into the eyes that mystified me the first time we met, “I don’t love you anymore,” My throat felt like it was closing up on itself and the words came out in a half choke, half sob.

“Since when?” Confusion. Hurt. Denial.

“Since now. I don’t love you anymore. Goodbye,” I gave it my best effort to sound convincing but the words sounded wooden to me.

“Really now? Stop it. Stop pushing away. I know what happened with your ex was messed up. He used you and took advantage of you. I would never do that,” More hurt. Anger.

“I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want to lie and I can’t tell the truth. So it’s over. I don’t love you anymore. Goodby-”

“Stop! Don’t say it! Stop saying that you don’t love me!” Anger. Frustration. “I hear you, okay. Stop lying!”

“I’m not lying. I’m telling the truth. The truth is I was being selfish loving you and in reality, I don’t think this is working anymore.”

“Are you serious? This isn’t working anymore? I love you. Whatever’s going on and whatever’s wrong, we can get through it. Together. I love you.” Desperation.

I furrowed my brow as I kept my eyes locked on his. It was like torturing a puppy. A lovesick puppy. Maybe in my eyes, he could the truth. I bit my lip. It was all I could to keep them from shaking. Taking a deep breath, I exhaled releasing a raggedy sigh, “It doesn’t matter. I don’t love you anymore. Goodby-“

“How can you be saying these things?” Sadness. Nothing but bittersweet sadness and tear heavy eyes. “How can you be sure? How can you be sure that you aren’t going to regret this?”

“I’m sorry. But I’m not happy anymore and soon you’re not gonna be happy either. It’s better like this. We’ll both be free.” I turned on my heel and walked away. Forcing myself to put one foot in front of the other. Left. Right. Left. Right.

“You know what’s wrong with you?” He screamed down the hallway at me.

Good. He was angry at me. He doesn’t need to shoulder the regret, the guilt, the betrayal.

“You keep saying how you just want to be free of everything. How you would hate to be put into a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Iowa, or in the east by the Atlantic. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself and the mistakes you made.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, desperately trying to keep myself from sobbing, trying to focus on keeping my shoulders from shaking, trying to not to let him see how this was killing me. Right. Left. Right. Left. Right.

“You’re nothing but a coward. You’re so scared. You're afraid to put yourself out there and say, 'Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness.’ You’re so scared of real happiness that you’re caged in.”

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.

Right.

Left.