Save Myself

It’s 7:00 AM.

I close my eyes. I open my eyes. I close it again. I open it again. I try to fall back into sleep, but it’s just not happening. My excessive number of pillows are all on the floor, and I debate inside my head whether I should stay in or go out. I stretch a bit here and there, trying to get some heat running inside my body. I decide to get the hell out of here. There is nothing to do inside my room nor this empty house that I should probably call my home. I curl my toes inward and feel that they are almost as solid as rocks. There is no way I’m going to be able to sleep again. Not in this cold weather.

“Drea?” Mom calls out as she knocks from outside my room. Sounds like good news. “I’m going to go out now with James and Rico to Amy’s. We’re going to the mall after. Want to come?” her voice was as energetic and peppy as usual. Not that it amuses me so much. All my family ever does is go to Aunt Amy’s then to the mall. Don’t they ever get tired of that usual routine? “Do you want to come or want us to get something for you?”

“Okay.” I simply reply. “See you all later.” I pause for a bit. “Tell Aunt Amy to be careful with her pregnancy.”

“Okay!” she enthusiastically calls back with such a dynamic voice. Doesn’t she understand that it’s December 23rd? Am I the only person who feels this sense of being sentimental now that Christmas is about to come? “Love you, baby!” I hear no other response but hear the car speeding out.

I sit on my bed and begin checking my body also known as my daily routine. I examine every single part of me. I give myself a breast exam. Check. No lumps. I read the letters off my poster (Well, it’s a makeshift one.) to check for my eyesight. I repeat the process again just to be sure. A simple forms on my lips. For some reason, today, I feel so normal. No migraine. No back pains. No suspicious looking bumps or bruises anywhere on my body. Today, I feel, is going to be a good day. I dress up into thick layers of clothes and get ready to set out.

The park is in a good condition today. Just like the many other winters that has passed, everything is almost icy in nature. Like it’s the North Pole. The feeling I get is that it’s as though, Santa’s elves are about to appear, carrying gifts for everyone to make them happy. Or that God along with his angels decide to make snow from heavenly material and throw them off as confetti as blessings for everyone.

I walk closer to the hill with my hands inside my pockets and begin to notice how much I’m shivering at this point. Note to thyself: Never wear black stockings and shorts despite the fact that you’re wearing thick clothes and Uggs. Again. I could get hypothermia. Having hypothermia is probably one of the worst ways to die or suffer a permanent injury. I might never be able to wiggle my toes again, and being able to do so is probably one of the simple joys I am able to enjoy in life.

“Drea!” I hear from the back of my head. I see Marco sledding from the top of the hill with even thicker clothes. His neck is invisible from the thickness of his jacket, and anyone can see how red his cheeks are from the cold. “Funny seeing you here.” he chuckles lightly, and I suppress my need to blush. I look away to compose myself before looking back at his face again. “You never liked skiing.” he said.

“I don’t.” I said blatantly. I survey his body for any injuries or anything abnormal at all. “I just want to make sure you’re okay.” There was nothing to else to take notice of or take interest in. In fact, he looks pretty normal. Just like me, right?

Marco holds the rope of his sled on his other hand and hold me with the other. I can feel the thickness of his mittens and notice how soft they are. “Come on, love.” he speaks out quietly as we walk to the center of the park. Children are throwing snowballs at each other, and I secretly wish that their laughs would eventually catch up to me as well. “You really don’t think that, right?” he kisses me on the forehead before we proceed to walking.

Silence.

Awkwardness.

Stupidity.

Nobody can ever be too sure of anything. Only God can, and sometimes, even He can’t. If there’s anything I am sure of, though, is the fact that nothing is set in stone. I know, because I used to be in that position. To be waking up in a beautiful morning, only to find out that I could barely breathe. To hear the doctor say that I have a condition. It was back then that I understood how precious life is, and that for a second, I cannot let go of what is happening to me in every single second.

In a splitting moment, I feel a strong impact and fall.

“Drea!”

I raise my head only to see blood on every surrounding bit of snow. It turns into pink a few seconds later. I look around and see people from everywhere look at me, their eyes straight on. In this moment, I am paralyzed not knowing whether I should think about myself, Marco or the people first. What just happened? I’m not even sure, but God knows I want to be okay. Everything just hits me. Right here. Right now.

Death.

“I need to go the hospital.” I say out loud not caring whether anyone is listening or noticing what just happened. What matters right now is that I am okay. Nothing more. Nothing less. I brush the snow off my knees and clothes and begin to walk as speedily as I can. I feel quite dazed, and I place my hand on where I feel the pain. “If I don’t, I might die.”

I feel a tug on my hand. It burns. I look back and see Marco’s eyes looking straight at me. But this time, I am no longer flushing nor am I afraid to look away. The panic seems through my veins, and I feel like running away. To the nearest hospital. There are 3 hospitals around the area. No, wait, scratch that. There is only 2. I forgot that Landon Hospital recently closed down and was replaced as a clinic. The nearest one is St. Mary’s Hospital. It’s practically around 4 streets far. I could make it there in 6 minutes if I ran fast enough. “No, Drea. Stop. Don’t.” I take my hand back from Marco. He doesn’t understand how I fell. No, he will never. He doesn’t matter in my life. I don’t need anyone who can’t put up with what I feel. “It’s a simple fall and a cut on your temple. It’s not even too deep.” he quickly touches the pain throbbing on my forehead.

“Don’t touch it!” I snap.

“Drea!”

I run as quickly as I could. I secretly wish I am a rocket at the moment. Flying faster than the speed of rollercoasters and cheetas combined. For the first few blocks, I could hear Marco’s footsteps running in the same pace that I did. But as I pass a few more, his panting and footsteps went into a halt. Adrenaline went by quicker inside of me. “I’m bleeding.” I tell myself. I try to encourage my anxiety even more. The more scared I am, the faster I run.

What if my brain slips out?

What if I die?

What if my brain oozes out?

What if the reason I fell was because of a brain disorder?

I trip and stop on my tracks. I can no longer see the cars. Everything turns into a deep white. The winds become colder. Stronger. White confetti drops down from the sky, an even bigger amount falls at each passing second. I hear the sound of what seems like an ambulance, but then it could be a police car. I debate for a second, once again, inside my head. No, it must be an ambulance. It must be. That can save me!

Before I can stand up, and regain my composure, another terrible impact.

Fade in.

When I open my eyes, almost barely, I can see a swivel of colors and hear the sound strongly. I hear a massive amount of voices. The colors red and blue smile down at me as I look up. I feel something warm touch my hand. It’s freezing out here.

Today wasn’t a good day after all.

Fade out.