Status: complete in of itself, though part of a larger, incomplete story
Gegen Meine Willen
Chapter one and only
“Bill, can I talk with you for a minute?” It was Jost, leaning against the wall behind me and I made a noise of consent, so he went on, “So, this place, Night Dragon, called to see if you guys would do a show tonight. I know it’s short notice, but could we do it? Could you convince the others?”
“Sure, on one condition,” I paused, trying to keep a straight face, “You figure a way to get Adam in,” I smirked, watching his expression. He finally nodded, knowing I was a stubborn s*** when I wanted something. I gave him a happy grin and went off to gather the other guys’ support. And to bump my hip accidently against Adam’s.
***
“One, two, one two,” I paused speaking into the mic, hearing my voice then, “Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, drei!” Adam smirked from his seat in the audience. I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Alright, enough messing around, sound check one, guitar,” Gustav called from the back, signaling Tom to start the opening for a song we haven’t played in years. “Jung und nicht merh jugendfrei”. “We are young and not family safe”.
I nodded my head a bit, counting, and then I opened my mouth:
“Ihr steht immer pünktlich auf
Und verpennt was bei uns geht
Ich seh was was du nicht siehst
Guck mal was auf unseren jacken steht
'tschuldigung - Du stehst im weg
und wie müssen hier vorbei
Wir sind jung und nicht mehr jugendfrei
Tut mir leid ich weiß wir sollen nicht
Doch wir fangen schon mal zu leben an
Wir sind jung und nicht mehr jugendfrei
Eure rechnung ist mit uns nicht aufgegangen
Wir fangen schon mal zu leben an...”
My voice faded in and out as we finished the song, Braunie, our sound guy was fiddling with the controls, setting them for this song. We’d have to run through the whole set, making sure everything sounded right, that we got all the acoustics right.
“Hello, Night Dragon,” I said my voice deep, “How are you doing?” I saw Adam trying hard not to laugh as Braunie fiddled with my voice.
“Okay, thanks, Braunie, “I told him, making a cutting motion with my hand, then turned to Adam, “Sound good to you?” I heard Tom make some remark behind me and the others laughed. I flipped them off behind my back.
“Besides not understanding a word of it?” Adam paused, probably getting a kick out of my expression, “It was awesome. What album was that from?” I heard Gustav do the whole bad joke drum line behind me. Again, he got the finger.
“Schrei so laut du kannst,” I told Adam, then turned to the band, pulling the mic away, “What next? We don’t really have a set with one song.”
“Gegen Meinen Willen.” Tom said, strumming the familiar melody as he walked away. I started nodding my head, going back a ways in the past, remembering.
Being thirteen was a blast, being famous was even better. But there was no time for remembering now.
“Wie soll es mir schon geh'n
Ihr guckt euch nicht mehr an
Und ihr glaubt ich merk das nicht
Wo soll ich jetzt hin
Was habt ihr euch gedacht
Sagt es mir jetzt in mein gesicht
Sagt wofür das alles hier zerbricht
Es macht mich fertig
Es ist gegen meinen willen
Es ist gegen jeden sinn
Warum müsst ihr euch jetzt trennen
Eure namen umbenennen
Unser ende ist schon hier
Und ihr sagt es nicht vor mir
Ich hasse euch dafür
Es ist gegen meinen willen
Dagegen - Bin dagegen…”
The words flew off my tongue, leaving my mind to wander. It still amazes me we’re here, playing live in the U.S. No s***, no strings attached.
I thought about when Tom and I were younger, before Tokio Hotel. We’d sneak into pools after hours during the summer; I still had a scar where a pebble got stuck in my hand after falling over the fence. We’d also play a ton of pranks on teachers, one time getting separated until outbursts of random violence brought us back together because we couldn’t handle it alone.
Tom was my other half. It gave me a jolt to realize and I mangled, “Es ist gegen meinen willen,” earning a sharp look from Tom. I never messed up. Ever. But looking back at Adam, I felt a slight bit of panic. What if being with Adam pushed Tom away?
“Alright guys, don’t need any more, you can go,” Braunie called from the booth. I finally realized I’d finished the song, and that the others had too.
Backstage, as we put everything we’d need for the show in their proper places, Tom cornered me by the mics and asked, “What the h*** happened out there?” he wasn’t mad, just about to s*** himself. Apparently out twin telepathy didn’t work for this kind of stuff.
“Nothing, just lost my place for a second,” I murmured, running my fingers lightly over the mic one last time. It was my favorite, the HUMANIOD one, from our last tour.
“Yeah, right, Billa. You never, ever lose your place ‘cause it’s you who wrote this. It’s you who’s sung it a million times. What happened?” Tom’s radar was starting to pick up on my annoyance and paranoia about something. Losing him to be exact. S*****, s*****, s***.
“Well, I was lost in thought, alright?” I snapped, feeling the color rise in my cheeks. Lying to Tom was wrong, and my mind knew it. But I’d been doing it so much lately that it almost didn’t matter. Almost.
“No, because I know you Bill. You’re my twin, for God’s sake! I know when you’re lying, know when you’re going all OCD about something, know when you’re freaking out about a crush.” He stared me in the eye, light brown mirroring the others. Tom was daring me to contradict him, to give him an excuse.
But I couldn’t. Being deprive of my daily white powder, being tried, f***, being sick, I just broke. I spun on my heel, looking for the nearest exit as the tears and mascara splattered down my face. But Tom was blocking the only exit.
“Get the f*** out of my way.” I hissed at him, wanting to run, run and never stop, get rid of the itch for white powder. The itch for Adam. The itch that I’d lose Tom.
“Nein, I love you too much.” Tom’s expression was soft, coming close to me and wiping a black tear off my face. He bumped our noses, something he’d always do when I was upset when we were younger. I gave a watery laugh.
“It’s alright, Bill,” Tom crooned in my ear, holding me tight as I clutched at his shirt. Tom was my soul mate, what kept me grounded, who I’d always belong with. It helped me clear my head a bit.
“You gonna be okay?” Tom asked, kissing my nose very softly. His eyes were honey, making the sour feeling in my stomach raise its head again.
“No, not at all,” I whispered, pulling Tom closer, “I’m gonna go insane from all this s***. It’s all s***, Tom. All except us.”
***
Tom didn’t get the cryptic words in my response, but he didn’t let me leave his side. Even when Adam gave me a hug after I’d washed up, Tom was right there. I could feel Adam’s wariness, the slight shy away, from Tom, having met him under dicey circumstances. I didn’t blame him.
“That was awesome,” Adam said the bright glint to his eyes equal to that of a child on Christmas morning.
“What, me singing in German or Tom almost falling off the stage?” I asked, earning a laugh from Adam and a snort from Tom. But I wanted out of there; I wanted to talk to my twin alone.
“Adam, I need you for a minute!” I was saved from figuring out a delicate way to get away with Tom by Lane, whom I found out was Adam’s manager. I gave him a smile and shoved him toward her. His eyes narrowed, but he went anyway. I sighed a bit in relief.
“What did he do to you?” Tom murmured in my ear, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into some seats.
“Nothing,” I murmured back, using Deutsch, so that even if Adam overheard, he wouldn’t understand.
“Yeah, then why you b*******?” Tom replied, catching the hint in me taking on German. Good Tomi.
“Cause I don’t do good in realationships, you know this, dork.” I poked him in the ribs, watching Adam glare at Lane, obviously pissed about something major, me maybe?
“’Fraid of committing to someone you half know?” Tom sounded amused. He’d always been a player, having two or twenty girls attached to him at one time or another.
“Along those lines, yes,” I hissed, watching Adam get a bit showy with his hands. I was really starting to wonder what the h*** they were talking about when Adam turned and gave me an apologetic shrug. I got it instantly: something had come up.
“Its fine,” I mouthed to him, seeing his grateful smile. This would be a good time to get my act together. Big time get it together.
“It’s fine? God, you’ve gone like, 180 in twenty minutes,” Tom muttered in my ear, making me smile grimly. He hit it spot on.
“Yeah, no s***,” I whispered back at him, watching Adam go.
“Why?” Tom asked, poking my side so I looked at him, “God, get your head outta the ground, Bill. He likes you, go for it. This is one of the rare chances we get.”
“Yeah, I know, it’s just…” I trailed off, the hunger for drugs making my train of thought getting lost in the process of telling myself no. Well, at least no until I got back to the hotel and could get in my make up bag.
“Yeesh, did you not have caffeine this morning or something? Come on, let’s go get coffee,” Tom grabbed my hand and motioned to Saki, our security guard, that we were going out. He gave a nod, then let us be.
The LA sun was hidden by storm clouds as Tom and I walked out of the Night Dragon. It was a nice theater, one that reminded me of the ones at home, with its aged, older modern look. It had a angular, triangle shaped sides, with a dragon painted on the front face. I liked it more than I’d ever liked any of the new, stupid ones being erected. It gave me a sense of home, where everything is at least twenty years old. Nostalgia, I guess.
There was a Starbucks on the corner, though it was almost completely dead. The only person in their besides the much pierced counter guy was an older, business type reading something on his laptop. Tom told me to go sit while he got drinks.
“Now, what the h*** happened to you last night?” Tom asked, sitting down and passing me a cup of heavily doctored coffee.
“Nothing, told you. And anyways, it isn’t that.” I muttered, taking a sip of coffee. I watched him study me, his eyes soft. I knew he’d guess it right at some point soon, so I tried to mask my expression, delaying the inevitable.
“Sure, it isn’t that,” Tom said, eyes narrowing, probably wondering why the h*** my face was doing the weird contortions and s***. My left eye felt like it was twitching.
“Yeah, sure.” I said, looking away and turning to see the man at the table with the computer looking at me very strangely.
“Mmhm, what’s really wrong?” Tom asked, glaring at the man who hurriedly got back to work. “Give me something, anything to go on.”
I bit my lower lip, looking back at Tom, “Okay, fine. I was remembering during Gegen Meinen Willen, okay? And I totally miss that, when we were young.” Tom looked thoughtful. He nodded and to a sip of his coffee.
“Totally get that. I miss that too, a lot. Remember when we snuck into that one pool?” Tom’s eyes were all bright.
“The one where I got the rock stuck under my skin?” Tom nodded, both of us laughing, “I got that removed a while ago. It started itching like mad.” We laughed, just two regular brothers for once, sitting in a coffee shop, remembering the past.
Fin.
“Sure, on one condition,” I paused, trying to keep a straight face, “You figure a way to get Adam in,” I smirked, watching his expression. He finally nodded, knowing I was a stubborn s*** when I wanted something. I gave him a happy grin and went off to gather the other guys’ support. And to bump my hip accidently against Adam’s.
***
“One, two, one two,” I paused speaking into the mic, hearing my voice then, “Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, drei!” Adam smirked from his seat in the audience. I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Alright, enough messing around, sound check one, guitar,” Gustav called from the back, signaling Tom to start the opening for a song we haven’t played in years. “Jung und nicht merh jugendfrei”. “We are young and not family safe”.
I nodded my head a bit, counting, and then I opened my mouth:
“Ihr steht immer pünktlich auf
Und verpennt was bei uns geht
Ich seh was was du nicht siehst
Guck mal was auf unseren jacken steht
'tschuldigung - Du stehst im weg
und wie müssen hier vorbei
Wir sind jung und nicht mehr jugendfrei
Tut mir leid ich weiß wir sollen nicht
Doch wir fangen schon mal zu leben an
Wir sind jung und nicht mehr jugendfrei
Eure rechnung ist mit uns nicht aufgegangen
Wir fangen schon mal zu leben an...”
My voice faded in and out as we finished the song, Braunie, our sound guy was fiddling with the controls, setting them for this song. We’d have to run through the whole set, making sure everything sounded right, that we got all the acoustics right.
“Hello, Night Dragon,” I said my voice deep, “How are you doing?” I saw Adam trying hard not to laugh as Braunie fiddled with my voice.
“Okay, thanks, Braunie, “I told him, making a cutting motion with my hand, then turned to Adam, “Sound good to you?” I heard Tom make some remark behind me and the others laughed. I flipped them off behind my back.
“Besides not understanding a word of it?” Adam paused, probably getting a kick out of my expression, “It was awesome. What album was that from?” I heard Gustav do the whole bad joke drum line behind me. Again, he got the finger.
“Schrei so laut du kannst,” I told Adam, then turned to the band, pulling the mic away, “What next? We don’t really have a set with one song.”
“Gegen Meinen Willen.” Tom said, strumming the familiar melody as he walked away. I started nodding my head, going back a ways in the past, remembering.
Being thirteen was a blast, being famous was even better. But there was no time for remembering now.
“Wie soll es mir schon geh'n
Ihr guckt euch nicht mehr an
Und ihr glaubt ich merk das nicht
Wo soll ich jetzt hin
Was habt ihr euch gedacht
Sagt es mir jetzt in mein gesicht
Sagt wofür das alles hier zerbricht
Es macht mich fertig
Es ist gegen meinen willen
Es ist gegen jeden sinn
Warum müsst ihr euch jetzt trennen
Eure namen umbenennen
Unser ende ist schon hier
Und ihr sagt es nicht vor mir
Ich hasse euch dafür
Es ist gegen meinen willen
Dagegen - Bin dagegen…”
The words flew off my tongue, leaving my mind to wander. It still amazes me we’re here, playing live in the U.S. No s***, no strings attached.
I thought about when Tom and I were younger, before Tokio Hotel. We’d sneak into pools after hours during the summer; I still had a scar where a pebble got stuck in my hand after falling over the fence. We’d also play a ton of pranks on teachers, one time getting separated until outbursts of random violence brought us back together because we couldn’t handle it alone.
Tom was my other half. It gave me a jolt to realize and I mangled, “Es ist gegen meinen willen,” earning a sharp look from Tom. I never messed up. Ever. But looking back at Adam, I felt a slight bit of panic. What if being with Adam pushed Tom away?
“Alright guys, don’t need any more, you can go,” Braunie called from the booth. I finally realized I’d finished the song, and that the others had too.
Backstage, as we put everything we’d need for the show in their proper places, Tom cornered me by the mics and asked, “What the h*** happened out there?” he wasn’t mad, just about to s*** himself. Apparently out twin telepathy didn’t work for this kind of stuff.
“Nothing, just lost my place for a second,” I murmured, running my fingers lightly over the mic one last time. It was my favorite, the HUMANIOD one, from our last tour.
“Yeah, right, Billa. You never, ever lose your place ‘cause it’s you who wrote this. It’s you who’s sung it a million times. What happened?” Tom’s radar was starting to pick up on my annoyance and paranoia about something. Losing him to be exact. S*****, s*****, s***.
“Well, I was lost in thought, alright?” I snapped, feeling the color rise in my cheeks. Lying to Tom was wrong, and my mind knew it. But I’d been doing it so much lately that it almost didn’t matter. Almost.
“No, because I know you Bill. You’re my twin, for God’s sake! I know when you’re lying, know when you’re going all OCD about something, know when you’re freaking out about a crush.” He stared me in the eye, light brown mirroring the others. Tom was daring me to contradict him, to give him an excuse.
But I couldn’t. Being deprive of my daily white powder, being tried, f***, being sick, I just broke. I spun on my heel, looking for the nearest exit as the tears and mascara splattered down my face. But Tom was blocking the only exit.
“Get the f*** out of my way.” I hissed at him, wanting to run, run and never stop, get rid of the itch for white powder. The itch for Adam. The itch that I’d lose Tom.
“Nein, I love you too much.” Tom’s expression was soft, coming close to me and wiping a black tear off my face. He bumped our noses, something he’d always do when I was upset when we were younger. I gave a watery laugh.
“It’s alright, Bill,” Tom crooned in my ear, holding me tight as I clutched at his shirt. Tom was my soul mate, what kept me grounded, who I’d always belong with. It helped me clear my head a bit.
“You gonna be okay?” Tom asked, kissing my nose very softly. His eyes were honey, making the sour feeling in my stomach raise its head again.
“No, not at all,” I whispered, pulling Tom closer, “I’m gonna go insane from all this s***. It’s all s***, Tom. All except us.”
***
Tom didn’t get the cryptic words in my response, but he didn’t let me leave his side. Even when Adam gave me a hug after I’d washed up, Tom was right there. I could feel Adam’s wariness, the slight shy away, from Tom, having met him under dicey circumstances. I didn’t blame him.
“That was awesome,” Adam said the bright glint to his eyes equal to that of a child on Christmas morning.
“What, me singing in German or Tom almost falling off the stage?” I asked, earning a laugh from Adam and a snort from Tom. But I wanted out of there; I wanted to talk to my twin alone.
“Adam, I need you for a minute!” I was saved from figuring out a delicate way to get away with Tom by Lane, whom I found out was Adam’s manager. I gave him a smile and shoved him toward her. His eyes narrowed, but he went anyway. I sighed a bit in relief.
“What did he do to you?” Tom murmured in my ear, grabbing my wrist and pulling me into some seats.
“Nothing,” I murmured back, using Deutsch, so that even if Adam overheard, he wouldn’t understand.
“Yeah, then why you b*******?” Tom replied, catching the hint in me taking on German. Good Tomi.
“Cause I don’t do good in realationships, you know this, dork.” I poked him in the ribs, watching Adam glare at Lane, obviously pissed about something major, me maybe?
“’Fraid of committing to someone you half know?” Tom sounded amused. He’d always been a player, having two or twenty girls attached to him at one time or another.
“Along those lines, yes,” I hissed, watching Adam get a bit showy with his hands. I was really starting to wonder what the h*** they were talking about when Adam turned and gave me an apologetic shrug. I got it instantly: something had come up.
“Its fine,” I mouthed to him, seeing his grateful smile. This would be a good time to get my act together. Big time get it together.
“It’s fine? God, you’ve gone like, 180 in twenty minutes,” Tom muttered in my ear, making me smile grimly. He hit it spot on.
“Yeah, no s***,” I whispered back at him, watching Adam go.
“Why?” Tom asked, poking my side so I looked at him, “God, get your head outta the ground, Bill. He likes you, go for it. This is one of the rare chances we get.”
“Yeah, I know, it’s just…” I trailed off, the hunger for drugs making my train of thought getting lost in the process of telling myself no. Well, at least no until I got back to the hotel and could get in my make up bag.
“Yeesh, did you not have caffeine this morning or something? Come on, let’s go get coffee,” Tom grabbed my hand and motioned to Saki, our security guard, that we were going out. He gave a nod, then let us be.
The LA sun was hidden by storm clouds as Tom and I walked out of the Night Dragon. It was a nice theater, one that reminded me of the ones at home, with its aged, older modern look. It had a angular, triangle shaped sides, with a dragon painted on the front face. I liked it more than I’d ever liked any of the new, stupid ones being erected. It gave me a sense of home, where everything is at least twenty years old. Nostalgia, I guess.
There was a Starbucks on the corner, though it was almost completely dead. The only person in their besides the much pierced counter guy was an older, business type reading something on his laptop. Tom told me to go sit while he got drinks.
“Now, what the h*** happened to you last night?” Tom asked, sitting down and passing me a cup of heavily doctored coffee.
“Nothing, told you. And anyways, it isn’t that.” I muttered, taking a sip of coffee. I watched him study me, his eyes soft. I knew he’d guess it right at some point soon, so I tried to mask my expression, delaying the inevitable.
“Sure, it isn’t that,” Tom said, eyes narrowing, probably wondering why the h*** my face was doing the weird contortions and s***. My left eye felt like it was twitching.
“Yeah, sure.” I said, looking away and turning to see the man at the table with the computer looking at me very strangely.
“Mmhm, what’s really wrong?” Tom asked, glaring at the man who hurriedly got back to work. “Give me something, anything to go on.”
I bit my lower lip, looking back at Tom, “Okay, fine. I was remembering during Gegen Meinen Willen, okay? And I totally miss that, when we were young.” Tom looked thoughtful. He nodded and to a sip of his coffee.
“Totally get that. I miss that too, a lot. Remember when we snuck into that one pool?” Tom’s eyes were all bright.
“The one where I got the rock stuck under my skin?” Tom nodded, both of us laughing, “I got that removed a while ago. It started itching like mad.” We laughed, just two regular brothers for once, sitting in a coffee shop, remembering the past.
Fin.