Don't Leave Me
3/3
I woke up to find my hand was cold and there was no one in the room. I expected Lucas to be in the room. Maybe Ryan. I looked at the door as it opened. “Lucas?” I asked.
Ryan came in and had a frown on his face. “Hey, Sam.”
“Where’s Lucas?” I asked.
He sighed. “Here. He told me to give this to you…” He handed me a small piece of paper. “I’m gonna go get some coffee…” He left the room and I was left with the note and constant beeping of the heart monitor.
I unfolded the paper and read it.
Sammy,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every time I took my anger out on you. I’m sorry for every bruise that litters your body. I’m sorry you are in the hospital for something I did.
I love you so much, Sammy. I know you know, but I need to write it to you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I can’t say how sad I am for having to do this… And don’t say I didn’t have to, because I did. You would only continue to get hurt if I didn’t. You would suffer more and because of me.
I’m…leaving… I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I can’t bare to see your tears for any reason, much less because of me.
I don’t want you to have to wince in pain because of my anger and I can’t even begin to explain how horrible I feel that you are in the hospital for something I did. I love you, Sammy. So much and that’s why I gave this note to Ryan.
Don’t blame him for this, he was shocked when I told him that I was leaving and he, in no way, told me to leave. I left because I love you.
Please, do whatever you need to to forget me. Burn my stuff, curse my name, anything. I just want you to know I love you.
Please, be careful in the world. Please, be smart.
I love you with all my heart.
Love for always,
Lucas.
I furrowed my eyebrows and reread it over and over, not believing the words one bit. Ryan came back in with two cups. “Hey,” He said, quietly.
…No! The letter can’t be true!! No… Lucas wouldn’t leave. No, he couldn’t have. I love him! He loves me!! He wouldn’t leave…
I felt tears leave my eyes and I shook my head. “Where is he?” I whimpered.
Ryan frowned. “…He didn’t tell me where he went exactly…”
A sob left my lips. “He…no! You’re lying! He didn’t leave!”
Ryan put the coffee cups down and grabbed my hand. “Sam, calm down,” He said in a somewhat comforting voice.
“No! Give him back to me!!” I didn’t pay attention to the monitor, which was beeping a lot.
“Sam, calm down. Deep breaths.”
I shook my head and tears fell more freely now. “Give Lucas back!”
A few nurses came in the room and they made Ryan leave before they gave me a shot of something. I couldn’t feel anything and everything went black again.
x x x
He was really gone. I found this when I went to our my apartment. A lot of his stuff was gone. His clothes, his chair, his movies. I felt so alone. I found a lot more money in the cookie jar and a small note that said “to hold you over until you can get some money”. He was really gone.
I stayed in my bed for the longest time, occasionally crying, sometimes sleeping, usually just remembering our time together.
We were supposed to get married. We were gonna as soon as we felt it was time. I was ready, he was almost ready. He was being held back by himself worrying about hurting me even more if we were married.
We were gonna adopt kids. After we were married and had a bigger home and we felt ready, we were gonna adopt two kids - a boy and a girl. When we were deciding that, Lucas had told me to not ever let him hurt them, he wasn’t even allowed to spank them on the butt if they were bad.
We had our life planned. We were gonna do so many things together. We had so many adventures planned.
Why’d he have to leave?
Ever since he left I’ve been cutting… I kiss my wrists afterwards in hopes of it feeling anything like it did when Lucas would. It doesn’t. I still do it though and I’ll continue.
I want him back. I don’t know where he is and I want to know so much. I miss him and I want him to be mine again. I’m not dating anyone else, ever. He’s the only one for me and I don’t care why he left, I don’t care what he did when he was here, I don’t care about what anyone says about us together. I want him back.
Until then, endless suffering will be mine to hold.
Ryan came in and had a frown on his face. “Hey, Sam.”
“Where’s Lucas?” I asked.
He sighed. “Here. He told me to give this to you…” He handed me a small piece of paper. “I’m gonna go get some coffee…” He left the room and I was left with the note and constant beeping of the heart monitor.
I unfolded the paper and read it.
Sammy,
I’m sorry. I’m sorry for every time I took my anger out on you. I’m sorry for every bruise that litters your body. I’m sorry you are in the hospital for something I did.
I love you so much, Sammy. I know you know, but I need to write it to you.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
I can’t say how sad I am for having to do this… And don’t say I didn’t have to, because I did. You would only continue to get hurt if I didn’t. You would suffer more and because of me.
I’m…leaving… I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I can’t bare to see your tears for any reason, much less because of me.
I don’t want you to have to wince in pain because of my anger and I can’t even begin to explain how horrible I feel that you are in the hospital for something I did. I love you, Sammy. So much and that’s why I gave this note to Ryan.
Don’t blame him for this, he was shocked when I told him that I was leaving and he, in no way, told me to leave. I left because I love you.
Please, do whatever you need to to forget me. Burn my stuff, curse my name, anything. I just want you to know I love you.
Please, be careful in the world. Please, be smart.
I love you with all my heart.
Love for always,
Lucas.
I furrowed my eyebrows and reread it over and over, not believing the words one bit. Ryan came back in with two cups. “Hey,” He said, quietly.
…No! The letter can’t be true!! No… Lucas wouldn’t leave. No, he couldn’t have. I love him! He loves me!! He wouldn’t leave…
I felt tears leave my eyes and I shook my head. “Where is he?” I whimpered.
Ryan frowned. “…He didn’t tell me where he went exactly…”
A sob left my lips. “He…no! You’re lying! He didn’t leave!”
Ryan put the coffee cups down and grabbed my hand. “Sam, calm down,” He said in a somewhat comforting voice.
“No! Give him back to me!!” I didn’t pay attention to the monitor, which was beeping a lot.
“Sam, calm down. Deep breaths.”
I shook my head and tears fell more freely now. “Give Lucas back!”
A few nurses came in the room and they made Ryan leave before they gave me a shot of something. I couldn’t feel anything and everything went black again.
x x x
He was really gone. I found this when I went to our my apartment. A lot of his stuff was gone. His clothes, his chair, his movies. I felt so alone. I found a lot more money in the cookie jar and a small note that said “to hold you over until you can get some money”. He was really gone.
I stayed in my bed for the longest time, occasionally crying, sometimes sleeping, usually just remembering our time together.
We were supposed to get married. We were gonna as soon as we felt it was time. I was ready, he was almost ready. He was being held back by himself worrying about hurting me even more if we were married.
We were gonna adopt kids. After we were married and had a bigger home and we felt ready, we were gonna adopt two kids - a boy and a girl. When we were deciding that, Lucas had told me to not ever let him hurt them, he wasn’t even allowed to spank them on the butt if they were bad.
We had our life planned. We were gonna do so many things together. We had so many adventures planned.
Why’d he have to leave?
Ever since he left I’ve been cutting… I kiss my wrists afterwards in hopes of it feeling anything like it did when Lucas would. It doesn’t. I still do it though and I’ll continue.
I want him back. I don’t know where he is and I want to know so much. I miss him and I want him to be mine again. I’m not dating anyone else, ever. He’s the only one for me and I don’t care why he left, I don’t care what he did when he was here, I don’t care about what anyone says about us together. I want him back.
Until then, endless suffering will be mine to hold.