Whiskey and Cigarettes

Friday, September 9, 2010

The next few days, I walked around feeling like nothing really mattered; not eating, sleeping, or talking to my friends. They all tried, begged me to go out to eat, watch a movie, just sit in the same room. I declined, respectfully, too exhausted and ashamed to leave my bed. I never made an appointment with a therapist, and I never started taking the Prozac as my psychiatrist had directed. I couldn't find the strength to care.

As I laid on my bed, staring at the ceiling with a cigarette burning between my index and ring finger, I listened for my friends downstairs. I couldn't hear anyone, so I assumed they were gone. I put out my cigarette on the window sill and pulled my blanket over my head. The front door open followed by a ruckus of noise before it was slammed shut, only to be open and closed again. Footsteps clammered up the stairs.

"Oh my God, she's going to love this!" I heard Sam squeal.

"Shut up, she'll hear you!" Lux scolded him.

My door flew open, slamming against my wall. Lux, Rex, Ben, James, Cameron, Sam, and Danny filed through the door in that order. Danny and Sam stood close together, Danny hiding his hands behind Sam's back. They all stared at me with huge grins on their faces. I had to admit, it was freaking me out, but I was rather curious to see what they were hiding.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked, sitting up to face them.

"We have a surprise for you," Rex sang as she skipped over to my bed to sit next to me.

"We know you'll love it!" Ben bounced on his heels as he rocked back and forth.

"Okay, I'm intrigued," I stated, giving them all a funny look.

Danny stepped out from behind Sam. Engulfed in his hands was a tiny white kitten with a brown spot surrounded by a black spot around his left eye, making it look like a bullseye.

I looked at all of them, ready to ask them to leave my room, when it dawned on me that they just cared. They wanted me in their lives and didn't blame me for pushing them away and neglecting them the way I did. They deserved a million times better, and I was ready to give them exactly that. I took the kitten out of Danny's hand to examine it before plastering a smile on my face, and declared, "his name is Swagg."

"It's a girl," James laughed.

"Her name is Swagg." Everyone let out a quiet chuckle.

"Let's have a BBQ tonight," Lux suggested, clapping her hands together.

"Only if Bay showers. I'm pretty sure this stench is forever imprinted in my nose," Rex complained, rubbing at her nose vigoursly.

I laughed, rolling my eyes, and pushed Rex off my bed. "Get out so I can, bitch."

They all started cheering, and I recieved a couple pats on my back as they left my room. I set Swagg down on my bed before making my way to my bathroom. What would have normally taken twenty minutes took almost an hour, making up for lost time. I shampooed my hair three times; twice because it still didn't feel clean and once for good measure. I did the same with washing my body and brushing my teeth.

After stepping out of the shower, I pulled my hair back into a messy bun before walking into my bedroom in just a towel to get dressed. Danny was laying on my bed, his left hand behind his head while his right hand stroked the kitten that laid on his chest.

"Your hair looks better down," he stated, his eyes scanning me over.

"I'll leave it down," I replied, walking over to my dresser. I pulled on a turquiouse thong under my towel, followed by grey blue jean shorts. I dropped the towel to the floor before putting on a matching bra. I could feel Danny's eyes on me the whole time as I pulled an old navy blue sweater out of my closet.

"Only you can pull off an ugly sweater," he sighed, turning his gaze towards the ceiling.

After pulling the sweater over my head, I crawled onto my bed and sat on my knees next to him. "I'm sorry," I mumbled, reaching my hand out to pet Swagg.

"It's okay," he spoke softly, quietly, barely above a whisper.

"Happy Birthday," I leaned down and placed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. "I'm sorry I missed it."

"You didn't miss it," he shrugged. "You were at the party. You just weren't really there." He tapped his index finger to my forehead, and I smiled in reply.

His birthday was last Sunday, and I was too busy ignoring everyone to even remember.

He leaned up, shifting his weight onto his left arm as he pressed his lips to my cheek, and reached around to the back of my head with his left hand to pull my hair tie out of my hair. "Let's go see what we're eating." He grabbed my hand with his right hand, holding Swagg against his chest as he guided me down the steps and to our backyard.

James was standing at the grill with a spatula in one hand and a beer in the other. Rex was next to him, her arm wrapped around his waist, a beer in hand, and a smile playing on her lips. I couldn't help but grin when he leaned down to kiss her, and it seemed like they were in utter bliss.

Lux was sitting on the edge of the pool with Sam, pretending to argue about something to do with pirates and zombies. I just shook my head, glancing at Danny as he let go of my hand to take the opportunity to push an unsuspecting Cameron into the pool.

It felt like everything was going in slow motion. I could see everything going on and hear everyone talking, but I couldn't understand the words. I felt like an outsider looking in. But I felt like I belonged. These people created a certain happiness that I hadn't experienced in a long time, even though the thought of Hayden being gone still tugged at my heart strings.

Ben walked up beside me and nudged me in the side with his elbow, pulling me back to reality. "He's different, you know?"

"What?" I looked at him, confusion written all over my face.

"Danny," he replied, pointing his beer to the twenty year old mooning our neighbors. "He hasn't slept with a single girl since he met you."

I continued to stare at him with the same confused look.

"Before you got here, he was with a new girl every night. His body count is well into the hundreds." I nodded, quite impressed with those numbers. "There's something about you that has changed him, Bay."